Asking for support

For many years I felt alone. 

Most of my life in fact. 

I felt like I wasn't allowed to have emotions, let alone express them. So I held everything inside. 

The pain of holding in my emotions led me to self-medicate. I turned to food, and drugs, and purging, and shame. 

I was afraid to ask for help. 

When I was 13, I wanted nothing more than to die. And I told no one. I was afraid that no one could possibly understand my pain. That I would be laughed at. Scorned. That i would be punished for not being able to suck it up and to survive on my own. 

So I suffered in silence. 

As I got older, things only got worse. I had more access to drugs. I had money to spend. I had more privacy for my bingeing and purging. 

I was so afraid to ask for help. Asking for help meant that I was weak. It meant that I would be judged. It meant that I would be deserted. Abandoned. I would be even more alone. So I said nothing. 

I was afraid. 

And time continued to pass me by. I felt trapped by my own fears and sadness. I was afraid of everything. I never wanted to carry a purse because someone might steal it. I couldn't have the car windows open because someone could reach in and take what was on the front passenger seat, or worse, attack me. I couldn't walk alone because I might be raped. I was afraid of the tires falling off my car. I was afraid that I would fall down the stairs. I was afraid that my house would burn down. 

I was trapped by my anxiety. In a prison of fears. 

So I focused on solving other people's problems. I put everyone's needs ahead of my own. I joined a million committees. I took extra courses at university. I took on 3 jobs. 

And this continued into my adult life. Focusing on other people's problems. Helping everyone else. Taking on their emotions until I felt like I was being stretched in 10 directions at one time. 

And then one day, I had enough. Enough of being scared. Enough of holding in all my feelings. Enough of taking care of everyone else and not taking care of myself. I knew that if I didn't ask for help that I was going to snap. 

I needed support. 

So ... I went online and looked up therapists. I looked through profiles, reading about different modalities. But to be honest, I was mostly looking at the photos. Trying to decide who looked kind. Who looked like they wouldn't judge me. Whose eyes I could trust. 

I chose Nosy Nora. 

At first I was resistant. Asking for support was scary. It meant giving myself over to someone else. Opening up and talking about those pesky things called "feelings" and it was hard. She kept asking me about feelings. I actually had to google a list of feeling words. Write them down. Refer to them. So that I had words to choose from. 

It got easier over time. As I got to know her, I grew to trust her. And I started to learn that it was ok to share my feelings. That it was okay to ask for help. 

The more I began to ask Nosy Nora for support, the harder it became. I felt so needy. I felt like a burden. I felt like I was too much. (Sometimes I still do) But the more she supported me, the more I began to realize that it was okay to need support. She kept telling me that everyone needs each other. That no one can go through life alone. 

So slowly, I let myself be vulnerable and I began to open up to friends. I began to ask for support. And shockingly to me .... I got it. 

People were willing to listen. People were willing to be with me. No matter how messed up I was. 

Because I was able to ask for support, I was able to face my darkness. To open myself up. To share my secrets. To tell my story. To start this blog. To use my experiences to help other people. To share with the world that we are not alone. 

As Nosy Nora says, we all need each other (even if I still often struggle to accept that and feel like my need is a burden). 

The more I ask for support, the more I find it. In unexpected places. The more I share my story, the more love I receive. 

And even when I feel completely alone, I am not. 

Thank goodness for friendship. For love. For my spouse. For my colleagues. For my friends. 

Thank goodness for support. And for hugs. 

If you feel alone. Ask for help. It's okay. I promise. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

friendship and support

i was never the kind of person who reached out for support. i was the kind of person who tucked away my troubles and pretended to the world that everything was fine. 

i was too busy taking care of everyone else and didn't have the time or energy to take care of myself. so i let my health go. i let my body go. i pushed all my emotions down inside of me and buried them tightly in the bottom of my heart, so that my heart became filled with hairline fractures. which are harder to mend than a deep single crack. 

but over the past few years i have been seeking support and finding true friendships. and discovered that, as nosy nora says, we all need each other. 

“A fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken. Fortunately, something else happens to you and me. Pick up your pieces. Then, help me gather mine.” 
― Vera Nazarian

being able to reach out for support hasn't been easy for me. it made (makes) me feel weak, and needy, and clingy. it makes me feel like i am not strong enough to face up to the world. but i am discovering that people are there to pick up your pieces and help put you back together. no one is humpty dumpty. it doesn't take all the king's horses or all the king's men to mend a broken heart, or to support a friend. (on a side note, do you realize that there is nothing in the humpty dumpty poem that says he is an egg? where did that image come from? i looked it up and wikipedia has several theories but nothing proven. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpty_Dumpty) picking up the pieces isn't something that you need to do on your own. the world is full of supportive people who are there to help with the shards of your life. 

“Support and encouragement are found in the most unlikely places.” 
― Raquel Cepeda

what i have discovered through this process is that support can come from places you never expected. an online support group, for example, has been a place for me to share my stories with people who understand. and these strangers offer me strength and guidance in ways i never thought possible. 

my emotional growth through this experience of writing a blog has been tantamount to a miracle. in a million years i never would have thought that his little blog would reach 25,000 page views. that strangers would email me to thank me for my writing. that friends would read my posts and tell me that they connect to my stories. being able to write about my life, my struggles, my heart ache, my successes, my happiness, my sadness, my weaknesses and my strengths ... being able to write about my life gives me strength. it makes me stronger to know that i am putting myself out there. even if it is anonymously published for my own protection - i'm not impervious to pain or embarrassment you know. 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” 
― C.S. Lewis

i have also discovered that people have way more in common with each other than we first believe. we live with such shame and secrecy and privacy and the inability to share our stories. and it turns out that there are people in my life who have been on similar paths. and we can connect with each other and support each other in ways that no one else can. 

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

i learned through this process of wanting to take care of myself, that you have to ask for help. and when you do, you actually get it. 

what what? 

no, really. when you ask someone to help you, they actually do. when you reach out for support you actually get support. ok, not from everyone. some people are selfish assholes and you can't change that. they aren't worth your emotional energy. but most people? most people will give you the support that you need. 

“There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


there are some stories that no one else can understand unless they have lived that truth. and those are the people whose support can surprise you. unless you share your stories, you'll never know that there are people out there who can relate ... who can commiserate ... who truly understand. knocking out a mountain troll doesn't have to be the only way that you make friendships. but sharing your truth is one way to be sure that those friendships are genuine and are built on truth and understanding. 

i am so very lucky to have a fabulous partner who loves me, adores me, and supports me. i am appreciative and grateful for the people in my life who offer me friendship and support.  i am fortunate to have a fantastic therapist with whom i can share my stories and my emotional tornadoes. i would list the people that i have gratitude for ... but i know that i would forget someone. so if you are someone that i have turned to for emotional support, or for a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or advice, or just a helping hand ... i thank you for being there. you know who you are. 

and in closing ...

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 
― Linda Grayson

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
...

need

captain stressy pants tells me that we all need each other. she tells me that it okay to need people. that my constant need for connection, for support, is totally normal and that i am totally normal. 

it often doesn't feel that way. 

i feel needy and my neediness feels like a negative thing. 

“In a strong relationship, you should love your companion more than you need them.” ― Steve Maraboli

i don't disagree with the sentiment. loving someone more than you need them is important. however, needing someone is okay too. 

“You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.” ― Mick Jagger

sometimes getting what you need comes as a surprise. sometimes you don't know what it is that you need until you get it. but need is scary.

If she showed him how much she needed him, he'd run away.” ― Rainbow Rowell

i am scared that my neediness will chase people away. i am scared that my neediness has already chased people away. 

nosy nora says that "we're all in this life thing together." and that "it feels good to be needed." (see? i listen)

we all need each other to survive. it's a big wild world and no one can survive on their own. 

“The world says: "You have needs -- satisfy them. You have as much right as the rich and the mighty. Don't hesitate to satisfy your needs; indeed, expand your needs and demand more." This is the worldly doctrine of today.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

demand more. demand that your needs be met. demand that you have as much right to your needs as anyone else. 

“It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.” 

― Amy Poehler

asking for what you want and need is terrifying. it means admitting that you can't do it all alone. it means admitting that you are not able to do it by yourself. and it might mean making yourself appear selfish and indulgent. 

“Wherever you turn, you can find someone who needs you. Even if it is a little thing, do something for which there is no pay but the privilege of doing it. Remember, you don't live in a world all of your own.” ― Albert Schweitzer

as much as you need others ... others need you ... we are here for each other. as much as i feel needy, i am needed by other people. and their needs don't overwhelm me. so why do i feel like my needs will overwhelm others?

“If you feel ashamed about your need for love & support, it's because you were made to feel this way as a child. It's not a sign of weakness to want affirmation, reassurance or someone to count on; these are natural, appropriate needs. Just make sure to be there for yourself first.” ― Marcia Sirota

it is both natural and appropriate to need love and support, despite what you were taught as a child. i learned that you were supposed to count on yourself for everything. i was responsible for myself. i took care of myself. i didn't express wants or needs, even as a young child. i remember being 9 and asking for a chocolate bar and being told no and i started to whine. my aunt was there and said "this isn't the april that i know. the april i know never whines." and that was the last time i asked for anything. 

now, a chocolate bar isn't a need. i get that. i get that it wasn't the best example. however, it is an example of how i learned not to ask for anything and that included expressing what i needed. 

i suffered from depression from an early age. at 13, i wanted to be dead. not a day went by that i didn't wish that i could die. and i was sure that no one would notice or care. 

at no point did i tell anyone or ask for support. because i was supposed to be mature, independent, responsible, and able to cope with the world. 


i didn't seek support for my anxiety and depression until very recently. and it still makes me uncomfortable to need someone to give me support. it goes against my feelings of being independent. 

“People’re a nestful of needs. Dull needs, sharp needs, bottomless-pit needs, flash-in-the-pan needs, needs for things you can’t hold, needs for things you can.” ― David Mitchell

we are full of all types of needs. 

need for love, affection, attention, intimacy, support, friendship, food, safety ...

and none of us can do this life thing on our own. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

binge

i want to write about bingeing. i want to take away the secrecy and stop perpetuating the shame of it. 

i asked LES first if i should write about bingeing. it's a scary topic. she wrote to me and said, 

"i read your work because it normalizes it for me… helps me feel a wee bit less shame. I may not have the strength that you have in this moment to control it or frankly even notice it/that i was binging until reading your thing.. but yeah, it helps to remove shame by sharing our stories.. you may not be able to remove your own shame but by sharing you help remove a bit of mine"

i have been a binge-er since i was 13. 

and i now have gone months without bingeing and feel like i have that part of my life under some semblance of control (yes nosy nora, i will admit and take responsibility for SOME control in my life, for some things that i have control over ...). 

but as a child, i was a secret binge-er. i would sneak food and eat it super fast and hide the wrappers. i would eat nothing all day and then gorge myself on chocolate bars on the way home from school. i would snack on chips and cookies and crackers. 

i sent the above to LES and she wrote back: 

*she reads this with eyes wide open taking it all in as she binges on crackers, cookies and gold fish - not having eaten all day"

as i grew into an adult, the hiding became more intense and more important to the behaviour. 

what's it like to binge? it's the ultimate numbing experience. the food doesn't matter. it could be stale, hard, old ... it doesn't matter. because you don't taste the food. it's not about eating, it's about numbing. 

at my lowest point, i took a cake out of the garbage can and ate it. i ate a cake out of the garbage. i have also eaten cold french fries. out of a macdonalds bag. that was crumpled in the garbage can. 

geneen roth describes a binge as a way of eating, not an amount of food. she wrote that a binge can be 2 cookies. 

i have never eaten until i was sick. it is the intensity with which i find junk food and stuff it into me without tasting it. a binge can be on carrots. a binge is when you are eating instead of feeling your feelings. 

i often would binge because i didn't want to feel the emotions that come up - those difficult emotions that no one likes to feel: loneliness, fear, anger, sadness ... 

"if you don't allow feelings, if you push them away, they get bigger, become more threatening. feelings don't go away because you're afraid of them." - geneen roth

... i find myself now looking for food to binge on when i am feeling those emotions. but instead, i stop, i breathe, i sit down, and i ask myself what it is that i am feeling. what am i feeling and why? and i let the emotions pass through me. 

healing from bingeing (and purging) is hard work and there will always be relapses. 

geneen roth offers strategies for dealing with bingeing that include allowing yourself to binge and then being kind to yourself afterwards - incredibly kind and gentle. 

nosy nora suggested that i have a hole inside of me ... a hole that can't be filled, instead it needs to be mended. 

i like that image. 

i like the idea that i was using food to stuff myself to try to fill an endless pit. but an endless pit can't be filled. 

i have been working on sealing up the hole inside of me instead. through gentleness and inquiry. 

if you are struggling with bingeing, there are places that can help. i got help. i didn't solve this myself. email me and i will help you find support in your area. 


be kind to yourself, there's no other way to be

xoxo

...

what to say to someone struggling with depression

have you seen that commercial where the voice over says "where does depression hurt? everywhere." well this is true. 

and today, after being told that i need to "do something about" my depression, as if i haven't spent the last 7 months healing and struggling to stay afloat ... i decided to write a blog post about what to say to someone suffering with depression. because telling someone to suck it up, to get over it, to figure it out, or to do something about it ... well those aren't helpful. at all. just saying. 

Understanding depression in a friend or family member:

• Depression is a serious condition. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.
• The symptoms of depression aren’t personal. Depression makes it difficult for a person to connect on a deep emotional level with anyone, even the people he or she loves most. In addition, depressed people often say hurtful things and lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so try not to take it personally.
• Hiding the problem won’t make it go away. Don’t be an enabler. It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.
• You can’t “fix” someone else’s depression. Don’t try to rescue your loved one from depression. It’s not up to you to fix the problem, nor can you. You’re not to blame for your loved one’s depression or responsible for his or her happiness (or lack thereof). Ultimately, recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

here are 15 things you can say to someone suffering with depression:

1. someone with depression is looking for understanding, empathy, and the feeling of being heard. so say something that acknowledges that it sucks.

2. let the person know that you are there for them if they need you. 

3. offer to go for a walk, to talk, or to go for coffee with the person. 

4. ask if there is anything you can do.

5. let the person know that they are not alone.

6. let the person know that they matter. that they are important to you. 

7. offer a hug.

8. acknowledge that the feelings are real and that person is not crazy. 

9. remind the person that there will be an end. that they wont always feel this way. and that you will be there through it. 

10. let them know that they will survive this. 

11. acknowledge that you don't know what they are feeling, but that you will try to understand. 

12. recognize that isolation is a symptom of depression. don't be put off by being put off. 

13. be a good listener. don't offer advice if it isn't asked for. 

14. instead of trying to convince the person that their feelings are irrational, try saying "i'm sorry you feel that way." 

15.  ask if the person has sought professional help. offer to help them find professional help - to go with them to the doctor, to a therapist, or to the hospital if necessary. 

be honest with yourself about your own feelings and talk to someone else if you are feeling overwhelmed by a friend or loved one's depression.

depression is an illness. and it isn't fun. and it isn't something that anyone wishes upon themselves or brings upon themselves. it isn't something that you can just suck up and carry on, or easily fix. and it is something that will come and go throughout life. 

so the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone to suck it up or get over it ... the next time you find yourself wanting to say, "i know how you feel, i was really sad when my dog died." ... look at this list and find something helpful to say instead. 

be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

horoscope

i don't usually pay attention to horoscopes. and when i do, they are just silly. however, my last 2 horoscopes have been incredibly accurate and right on. this morning i woke up feeling vulnerable and raw. and this was today's horoscope that i will go through bit by bit. 

May 27, 2014
A Loving Trust
Aries Daily Horoscope

You may feel wide open and vulnerable today, and you could feel the need to reach out and share your fears and insecurities with others. It's possible you will seek the company of dear friends or loved ones, individuals you know you can trust. 

i use my blog as a way to reach out and share with others. seeking the company of people i can trust is my plan for today. 

You might consider asking one of these people to get together with you today to have a long conversation. If you do, you might first think about how you're feeling today and what may be at the root of any worry or conflict you could be experiencing. If you communicate these things openly with another person, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you may get emotional support in response. 

i am meeting Zed for coffee this afternoon, with the plan to have a long conversation about all our worries. and my constant goal at the moment is to be open and vulnerable. which is why this horoscope speaks to me so deeply. 

Should you wish to be open and vulnerable today but feel blocked, you might consider letting yourself really trust those with whom you speak.

Trusting the people we are closest to allows us to be vulnerable. Having faith that others love and want the best for us creates an atmosphere of openness and willingness. We are able to set aside our fears and can freely express anything that weighs on our minds or hearts. 

trust. i put my trust in my readers that my openness and my willingness to share the deepest parts of myself with be received with love and not with judgement. 

The simple act of communicating these things to a caring person lightens our burden. The more we share, the better we feel, and the more closely connected we are to the other person. Trust that those you choose to be open with today care about you and appreciate your honesty, and they will respond to your vulnerability with love and support. 

trust, openness, vulnerability ... those are the messages i will carry with me today. 

yesterday, i was having a bad day and i reached out to gigi's mom and told her how i was feeling and why. she shared with me a website called  www.dailyom.com which had these horoscopes as well as a beautiful message about grief. this was yesterday's horoscope:

When we are trying to piece together the puzzle of our future, we can get help and guidance from other people. 

gigi's mom offered me support and guidance and hope in her email to me. she gave me a piece of my puzzle. 

Everyone we interact with has something to contribute to our journey. As we engage with others and listen to their advice, we can formulate our image of the right path, solution, or action for ourselves. Each person we question can add a small piece to the puzzle of our future. 

gigi's mom set me on the right path as i was wavering in an opposite direction. 


Seek recommendations and guidance from others regarding your aspirations today, absorb the wisdom that benefits you, and watch a new piece of your life's puzzle fall into place.

each person who offers me wisdom has offered me a piece of my puzzle, or as directed me as to where my piece needs to go ... i have never been good at puzzles, so having help makes me feel less lonely and less alone. 

it's amazing how one person can say one thing that can have a huge impact on your day. be that person today ... be that person who says something to someone that changes their day. 

be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

saving myself

i am my own magic wand. you are your own magic wand. no one can fix anyone else. all we can do is stand by each other while we work on ourselves. 

i often have a feeling of wanting to fix other people. i have an all encompassing desire to help, to save, to assist, to advise ... it's hard to sit back and just watch as someone you care about spirals down into the depths of despair. but the truth is, you can't actually save anyone other than yourself. 

don't misunderstand ... you can be there for your friends and loved ones. you can offer advise. you can point out the things that you observe. but quite frankly, if that person doesn't want to save themselves, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do. 

what we need more of in this world is less fixing and more supporting. more listening and less bossing. more laughter and less lectures. more hugs and less judgement. 

if you have a friend or loved one who needs saving ... stand by them, tell them you are there, and let them save themselves. trust that they can, just like you can. 

no one can go through life alone. we all need each other (says nosy nora). helping is being there. helping is listening. helping is nonjudgmental.

and if YOU are the one who needs saving, it's time to stop looking to other people to be the boss of your life (like that one nosy nora?). only you can make the changes that you want to make; that you need to make. only you can be your own magic wand and live your best life. 


be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

finding your people

finding your people matters. 

more than anything else in the world. 

yesterday was my first day back to work after 5 weeks at home. everyone was very kind and welcoming and didn't ask questions about why i was away. 

but i was asked "how are you?" ... a LOT. and my answer was always "i'm fine" or "i'm good." even though it isn't true. 

when people ask "how are you?" they aren't really asking. they are just being polite. it's just something that you say. sometimes you don't even wait for an answer. 

and until you find the people who genuinely want to know how you are, you will continue to feel alone. finding the people who are supportive, and compassionate, makes you feel less alone in the world. 

"friendship is born at that moment when one [man] says to another: "what! you too? i thought that no one but myself ..." - C.S.Lewis

depression isn't something that you can just wait out. it sucks your energy, it messes with your mind, it makes you feel like you are all alone in the world and that no one understands. 

brene brown wrote: "when we're looking for compassion, it's about connecting with the right person at the right time about the right issue." 

not everyone is the right person to lean on during the bad periods of your depression. 

there are many people who will respond with "get over it" or "aren't you better yet?" or who will expect you to just suck it up and carry on. 

there are many people who just don't understand why you can't get out of bed. why you can't just get off the couch. why you can't just do the things that need to get done, and get out of the house. 

and there are also many people, if you look closely, who understand. who have been there. who know that getting out of bed might be the one thing you can accomplish in a day. there are people out there who can listen to your story and who can hold your wounds with you. 

"a friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." - Elbert Hubbard

reaching out is really challenging, because you don't know what you are going to get. 

this post is for PP who is admitting that she is not okay. this post is for PP who is looking for support, who is reaching out, and not wanting to go through this alone. 

you are not alone. finding the right people is a challenge. but we are out here, in cyberspace, in your community, and in the real world. 

don't be alone. reach out to us. we are your people.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?""Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you." - A.A. Milne. 

you can be sure of me.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

depression and trying to explain it

last week i went to see a psychiatrist. holy crap that was scary. it's the word "psychiatrist" ... it means being crazy, insane, unstable, psychiatric ... 

anyway, i started to think about him as a specialist. just like any other doctor. only dr G is a specialist of the thoughts and chemicals in your brain. he was a nice guy. he was kind and friendly and asked a million questions. 

anyway, the result of seeing dr G is that he "strongly recommended" that i take "at least a month off of work." 

the idea is to try some new medication, to focus on self-care, and to work my way through this tunnel of depression to find my way to the other side. 

photo credit

today is the first day of my "month of recovery." and i am going insane already!!!!!!! i have cleaned, cooked, read, written, played piano, played guitar, walked the dog, watched tv, replied to a few emails ... 

dr G told me to be kind to myself. to go gently. and to develop a routine slowly so that i don't spend all my time wrapped in my blanket cocoon, but also not to expect myself to just suddenly be able to function like i used to. 

so i thought that i would try to find the words to describe what is going on inside my head these days. allie brosh wrote:

"to me, the future doesn't seem real. it's just this magical place where i can put my responsibilities so that i don't have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour." 

that is exactly what it is like. i feel like i am hurtling towards failure and disaster and i am dragging my feet on the ground and clinging to walls to try to slow myself down. but i don't do anything about the disasters that i am hurtling towards. i could do the things that i need to do. but i can't. i can't find the motivation. i can't find the will to do the things that need to be done. 

allie brosh also described depression really, really well. "i'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you are horribly bored and lonely. [...] i've always wanted not to give a fuck. while crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, i would often fantasize that maybe someday i could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things." 


YES YES YES. i don't want to burst into tears throughout the day. i don't want to have panic attacks. i don't want to worry about everything all the time. i don't want to feel hopelessly sad. i don't want to be afraid of everything. and i don't want to be in a fog. 

i am "supposed to" be gentle with myself. to be kind to myself. to treat myself with compassion. i am "supposed to" to speak to myself kindly and gently. and all i have done all day is list all the things that i should do and can't get myself to do and then tell myself how stupid and lazy and useless i am for not doing them. 

i have been having trouble finding an ending for this post. AG suggested writing "the end. tadah!" 

photo credit

i guess i want to end by thanking the people in my life who are helping me to treat myself kindly by showing me what kindness and compassion look like and feel like. i have an incredible support system and i appreciate all of you. 

xoxo

...

Cocooned vs. Metamorphosis

today i read on someone's blog, "If nothing changed there'd be no butterflies"

 ... and i want to know ... what's wrong with caterpillars? 

monarch caterpillars have always been my favourite. they're plump and colourful and they have little legs that tickle when they crawl on you. they can easily curl up into a ball. and they eat milkweed which makes them poisonous to birds - their stripes protect them from being eaten. 

they spend their days crawling around the milkweed, eating. 

and eventually spin themselves into a cocoon. 

i've been a caterpillar for so long that i don't want to ever come out of my cocoon. i can't see the future and i don't know what kind of butterfly i'm going to be. 

and it scares me. 

i want to stay safe and wrapped up and protected in my cocoon forever. 

i could hide away from the world, from pain, from hurt, from sadness. 

i could blend into the colours of the trees, the only thing giving me away would be the gold "stitches" along the top of my cocoon ...

                      * * * * * * *

my dad used to let us collect monarch caterpillars at the end of august. 

we would keep them in a terrarium with lots of milkweed. and within a week or so of their captivity, they would spin their bright green cocoons. 

we would watch the chrysalis for days. gold threading along the top, and hanging from the lid of the terrarium. and then one day they would change from green to black and then to clear and then the majestic monarchs would work their way out. 

at first, their wings would be wet. so we would carefully lift them out, letting their legs cling to our fingers.  

we would set them down in the backyard. and they would open their wings to let them dry in the sun. and once the wings were dry, they would flap them and fly away. 

until next august when we would hunt through the milkweed and start the process all over again. 

and as beautiful and incredible as this process is ... the metamorphosis leaves those monarch caterpillars completely vulnerable and helpless. 

when my brother was 3, he had his very own caterpillar in a jar. holes in the lid for air, and lovely milkweed for food. the plump little creature spun a green and gold chrysalis attached to the lid. 

our babysitter's son was at our house and my brother wanted to show him his pet. so the exuberant and over-eager visitor opened the lid, looked into the jar, and slammed the lid down on the table saying "where? i don't see anything!?" 

that morphing creature wasn't the only thing that got squashed that day. my brother crumpled in on himself. i've never seen him cry so much. i've never seen him so hurt. it was as if all of his hopes and dreams were being held in that green cocoon waiting to fly away into the sun and everything got squished and killed by someone else's careless actions. 

i feel like a caterpillar in a chrysalis: not safe and snug, cocooned and protected. i feel vulnerable and unsafe and easily squishable. 

but the thing about change is that it is going to happen whether we want to or not, and whether we like it or not. 

AG said to me today, "i guess the best thing about butterflies is they don't have to choose it. it comes naturally. amazingly enough."

wise words to ponder today, as i am cocooned in my duvet wanting to stay here on the couch forever. 

xoxo

...

(images from google images https://www.google.ca/search?q=monarch+butterflies&rlz=1C1SNNT_enCA410CA411&espv=210&es_sm=93&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=2bjaUvbbBOGh2gXqtoGwBQ&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=666)