friendship and support

i was never the kind of person who reached out for support. i was the kind of person who tucked away my troubles and pretended to the world that everything was fine. 

i was too busy taking care of everyone else and didn't have the time or energy to take care of myself. so i let my health go. i let my body go. i pushed all my emotions down inside of me and buried them tightly in the bottom of my heart, so that my heart became filled with hairline fractures. which are harder to mend than a deep single crack. 

but over the past few years i have been seeking support and finding true friendships. and discovered that, as nosy nora says, we all need each other. 

“A fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken. Fortunately, something else happens to you and me. Pick up your pieces. Then, help me gather mine.” 
― Vera Nazarian

being able to reach out for support hasn't been easy for me. it made (makes) me feel weak, and needy, and clingy. it makes me feel like i am not strong enough to face up to the world. but i am discovering that people are there to pick up your pieces and help put you back together. no one is humpty dumpty. it doesn't take all the king's horses or all the king's men to mend a broken heart, or to support a friend. (on a side note, do you realize that there is nothing in the humpty dumpty poem that says he is an egg? where did that image come from? i looked it up and wikipedia has several theories but nothing proven. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpty_Dumpty) picking up the pieces isn't something that you need to do on your own. the world is full of supportive people who are there to help with the shards of your life. 

“Support and encouragement are found in the most unlikely places.” 
― Raquel Cepeda

what i have discovered through this process is that support can come from places you never expected. an online support group, for example, has been a place for me to share my stories with people who understand. and these strangers offer me strength and guidance in ways i never thought possible. 

my emotional growth through this experience of writing a blog has been tantamount to a miracle. in a million years i never would have thought that his little blog would reach 25,000 page views. that strangers would email me to thank me for my writing. that friends would read my posts and tell me that they connect to my stories. being able to write about my life, my struggles, my heart ache, my successes, my happiness, my sadness, my weaknesses and my strengths ... being able to write about my life gives me strength. it makes me stronger to know that i am putting myself out there. even if it is anonymously published for my own protection - i'm not impervious to pain or embarrassment you know. 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” 
― C.S. Lewis

i have also discovered that people have way more in common with each other than we first believe. we live with such shame and secrecy and privacy and the inability to share our stories. and it turns out that there are people in my life who have been on similar paths. and we can connect with each other and support each other in ways that no one else can. 

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

i learned through this process of wanting to take care of myself, that you have to ask for help. and when you do, you actually get it. 

what what? 

no, really. when you ask someone to help you, they actually do. when you reach out for support you actually get support. ok, not from everyone. some people are selfish assholes and you can't change that. they aren't worth your emotional energy. but most people? most people will give you the support that you need. 

“There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


there are some stories that no one else can understand unless they have lived that truth. and those are the people whose support can surprise you. unless you share your stories, you'll never know that there are people out there who can relate ... who can commiserate ... who truly understand. knocking out a mountain troll doesn't have to be the only way that you make friendships. but sharing your truth is one way to be sure that those friendships are genuine and are built on truth and understanding. 

i am so very lucky to have a fabulous partner who loves me, adores me, and supports me. i am appreciative and grateful for the people in my life who offer me friendship and support.  i am fortunate to have a fantastic therapist with whom i can share my stories and my emotional tornadoes. i would list the people that i have gratitude for ... but i know that i would forget someone. so if you are someone that i have turned to for emotional support, or for a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or advice, or just a helping hand ... i thank you for being there. you know who you are. 

and in closing ...

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 
― Linda Grayson

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
...

10 tips for happiness

the last few days have found me in a good mood. this is rare these days. i think that part of it is a new medication, but more importantly, i think that it has been examining how the positive and huge changes that i have made over the last few years. 

so while i am in this good mood, i wanted to share ten tips for being happy:

1. express gratitude. i keep a gratitude journal and every day i make a list of things that i am grateful for. it helps to have positive thoughts in your mind. 

2. set the bar high and expect the best out of life. thinking negative thoughts leads to negative feelings. turn your negative thoughts around and allow yourself to think positively. 

3. don't compare yourself to other people. you are a unique gift on this planet. you are no one else but you. as oscar wilde said: "be yourself everyone else is already taken."

4. forgive yourself. seriously. forgive yourself. you are human. life will be messy and filled with mistakes. and as it says in anne of green gables, "tomorrow is a fresh day with no mistakes in it." forgive forgive forgive your mistakes, your messiness, your imperfections. 

5. be kind to others. pay it forward. it makes you feel good. 

6. treat yourself the way you treat the people that you love (thanks geneen roth ... what a concept!) 

7. therapy. seriously. therapy. if you are chronically unhappy, there's a reason ... or reasons ... and having someone guide you on a healing journey is helpful. that sounded incredibly cheesy ... having someone to listen to you and talk out your issues is beneficial. 

8. see people. go out. see people. socialize. even if it's hard. do it anyway. keep contact with your friends. find a group to join. for me it's choir. i will admit that i have NOT been enjoying choir this semester. but i go every week anyway. it's my community. 

9. "be the lab scientist and not the rat."  http://www.purposefairy.com/ which means pay attention to your mind, to your reactions to situations, your reactions to things that people say. learn your triggers and find ways to cope. strategies for coping will help you reframe the situation.

10. this is the most challenging step (for me). be good to your body. feed it. feed it healthy and nutritious foods. feed it what tastes good to you. feed it what you LIKE. and move your body. even if that means simply going for a walk (yes, i DO listen to you nosy nora). 

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

being angry is a natural feeling and it's okay to feel angry and to talk through those feelings. nosy nora says it's even okay to be angry with people that you love. including your parents. yikes! but holding onto that anger for a long time and not doing anything with it hurts you more than it hurts the person that you are angry at. expressing that emotion in some way helps you to let it go. that doesn't mean you have to tell the person you are mad at. you can express your anger in many different healthy ways. that's a post for another day. 

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

i woke up feeling happy the last 2 days. but i cultivated that happiness by following the 10 steps above. by acknowledging that i have put in the work to change my life. (and possibly by upping my meds. just saying)

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” 
― Jonathan Safran Foer

one of the biggest lessons that i have learned through therapy and through facing my addiction is that when you numb yourself to the hard feelings, you numb yourself to the wonderful feelings as well. when you protect yourself from feeling, you don't get to experience the joys that life is filled with. 

“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.” 
― Ayn Rand

make yourself important. you matter. did you hear that? i'll say it louder ... YOUUUUUU MATTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

“All happiness depends on courage and work.” 
― Honoré de Balzac

you wont just BE happy without working on yourself. and that takes time and small changes that lead to bigger life-long change. (another gem from nosy nora)

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.” 
― J.M. Barrie

i included that quote because i love the idea of fairies. and i love baby laughs. what brings more joy than a baby laughing!?!?!?!?!???

“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?” 
― Hunter S. Thompson

one of the first things i remember nosy nora saying to me when i started therapy a few years ago was that i seemed like i wasn't present in my life. i was on the shore merely existing. terrified of the potential storm out on the sea of life. i am trying really hard to be present. it's not easy. but i feel like i am more alive. like i am experiencing life instead of watching it pass me by. 

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” 
― Guillaume Apollinaire

pause and experience your happiness. there's no point in following my steps to happiness if you spend all your time focusing on trying to make yourself happy without enjoying the feeling of BEING happy. 

and MOST importantly, 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes

so i was beginning to think that over the last 2 years i haven't really made any changes. that i trudge along throughout my day and do the same things, behave the same way, react the same way ... i felt like i was a caterpillar stuck at that stage of my life, in a cocoon unable to grow wings. 

... nosy nora asked me if i noticed any changes and i said not really. then she listed the changes ...

... i am no longer addicted to nortriptyline or what nosy nora and i call "the yellow pills." i don't take them. i don't obsess over them. 

... i no longer abuse sedatives. i don't crave them. i don't think about them and long for them. 

... i say "no" more often. and i am aware of doing things that i don't want to do, and at times i don't do them. AG reminds me that i am an adult and i don't have to do anything i don't want to do. 

... i no longer binge. if i start to binge, i am able to stop myself in the moment and question why i am bingeing. and i am able to stop the cycle. 

... i no longer purge. even when i really, really have the urge to throw up, i have strategies and coping skills that i didn't have before. 

... i am able to feel my feelings and am no longer numb to my emotions. 

those are some pretty major changes. and here i thought i wasn't doing the work to change my life. i still have many more things that i want to work on. i am still struggling with depression and anxiety. but in the grand scheme of things, i am doing pretty damn well. so maybe i am a butterfly now. 

think about your life over the last few years. what changes have you made?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

dealing with anxiety

in the past, i have written about anxiety, worries, and being anxious. today i want to talk about ways to deal with anxiety. 

anxiety is a major part of my life. it has been for as long as i can remember. lately, i have been dealing with anxiety by grinding my teeth. i have only had one panic attack in the last month thankfully. but i still get a clenched belly and clenched jaw. 

so what is anxiety? it is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. or, as a disorder that causes nervousness, fear, apprehension and worrying. 

so what can you do about it? how can you live life when you are constantly in a state of worry and apprehension? 

learning relaxation techniques is important. whether that means something like meditation, or simply breathing exercises or muscle relaxation techniques. 

another step is to challenge your negative thinking. for me, one of my biggest worries is about my car. i am always sure it is going to blow up, or get a flat tire. so i talk myself through the scenario. will my car blow up? no. cars don't spontaneously explode. they just don't. will i get a flat tire? it could happen. will it kill me? no. i have CAA and can call someone to come and help me. it will suck, but i will be okay. and likely, i wont get a flat tire. 

limit your alcohol and caffeine intake. they can make your anxiety worse. (yes, DP, less coffee could be helpful)

get enough sleep. when you are sleep-deprived (as i often am) you are more prone to worry. and when you are in a state of anxiety, you need more rest. 

exercise is helpful ... (so i am told repeatedly by nosy nora). something as simple as going for walks can really help to manage your symptoms. 

eat foods high in anti-oxidants like blueberries. as well as almonds, dark chocolate, fish (eww), and pumpkin seeds. they supposedly lower the hormones responsible for stress. i don't know if this is true, but there are no negative effects to eating these things, so go for it. 

say no. seriously. 

say no. 

don't get overwhelmed by commitments. we lead such busy lives and we over-commit ourselves. you need to learn your limits and respect yourself enough to enforce them. this might mean staying home on a friday night when all your friends are out having fun. it's okay. you don't have to do everything. 

keep a journal that keeps track of when you are anxious and try to identify what you are feeling anxious about. as i type this, i am worrying about how it will be received and i am grinding my teeth. as you journal and discover what is causing your apprehension and fears, you can uncover the things that are within your control. then you can make changes to the situation 

there are situations beyond your control. but focus on the things that you CAN change. and then ... change them. 

set aside worry time. give yourself an hour each day where you are allowed to worry about everything. you are allowed to stress and freak out and run every situation over and over again in your head. and when the hour is up, you are done. finished. no more worrying allowed. turn it off. think about other things. 

another idea from nosy nora is to put in your earphones and listen to happy music, or music that makes you feel good, or music that has positive memories tied to it. and if you feel like it, dance along. it's almost impossible to feel anything but happy when you are dancing along to "sweet home alabama". check out this website on music and memory to further understand how music can connect you to happier and calmer feelings.  http://musicandmemory.org/

use positive thoughts to challenge the negative ones. "this is scary but i will be okay." or "this is awful, but i have some strategies to deal with it." i use geneen roth's suggestion of adding "the sky is blue" to my thoughts. it neutralizes the thought by attaching the statement to it. "my car is going to blow up the sky is blue." or "i am never going to get this right i am such an idiot the sky is blue."

there's always meditation and yoga. for those of us gently rounded people, yoga sounds terrifying. i am so anxious about yoga that i have to do it at home using youtube videos instead of going to a class. but it's better than not doing anything at all. 

most of all, if anxiety is running your life, seek support from friends and family, and potentially from a health care professional. living with anxiety is really challenging. trust me. it sucks. but there are ways to manage your anxiety and you don't have to do it alone. 

and as always, 
be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

need

captain stressy pants tells me that we all need each other. she tells me that it okay to need people. that my constant need for connection, for support, is totally normal and that i am totally normal. 

it often doesn't feel that way. 

i feel needy and my neediness feels like a negative thing. 

“In a strong relationship, you should love your companion more than you need them.” ― Steve Maraboli

i don't disagree with the sentiment. loving someone more than you need them is important. however, needing someone is okay too. 

“You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.” ― Mick Jagger

sometimes getting what you need comes as a surprise. sometimes you don't know what it is that you need until you get it. but need is scary.

If she showed him how much she needed him, he'd run away.” ― Rainbow Rowell

i am scared that my neediness will chase people away. i am scared that my neediness has already chased people away. 

nosy nora says that "we're all in this life thing together." and that "it feels good to be needed." (see? i listen)

we all need each other to survive. it's a big wild world and no one can survive on their own. 

“The world says: "You have needs -- satisfy them. You have as much right as the rich and the mighty. Don't hesitate to satisfy your needs; indeed, expand your needs and demand more." This is the worldly doctrine of today.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

demand more. demand that your needs be met. demand that you have as much right to your needs as anyone else. 

“It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.” 

― Amy Poehler

asking for what you want and need is terrifying. it means admitting that you can't do it all alone. it means admitting that you are not able to do it by yourself. and it might mean making yourself appear selfish and indulgent. 

“Wherever you turn, you can find someone who needs you. Even if it is a little thing, do something for which there is no pay but the privilege of doing it. Remember, you don't live in a world all of your own.” ― Albert Schweitzer

as much as you need others ... others need you ... we are here for each other. as much as i feel needy, i am needed by other people. and their needs don't overwhelm me. so why do i feel like my needs will overwhelm others?

“If you feel ashamed about your need for love & support, it's because you were made to feel this way as a child. It's not a sign of weakness to want affirmation, reassurance or someone to count on; these are natural, appropriate needs. Just make sure to be there for yourself first.” ― Marcia Sirota

it is both natural and appropriate to need love and support, despite what you were taught as a child. i learned that you were supposed to count on yourself for everything. i was responsible for myself. i took care of myself. i didn't express wants or needs, even as a young child. i remember being 9 and asking for a chocolate bar and being told no and i started to whine. my aunt was there and said "this isn't the april that i know. the april i know never whines." and that was the last time i asked for anything. 

now, a chocolate bar isn't a need. i get that. i get that it wasn't the best example. however, it is an example of how i learned not to ask for anything and that included expressing what i needed. 

i suffered from depression from an early age. at 13, i wanted to be dead. not a day went by that i didn't wish that i could die. and i was sure that no one would notice or care. 

at no point did i tell anyone or ask for support. because i was supposed to be mature, independent, responsible, and able to cope with the world. 


i didn't seek support for my anxiety and depression until very recently. and it still makes me uncomfortable to need someone to give me support. it goes against my feelings of being independent. 

“People’re a nestful of needs. Dull needs, sharp needs, bottomless-pit needs, flash-in-the-pan needs, needs for things you can’t hold, needs for things you can.” ― David Mitchell

we are full of all types of needs. 

need for love, affection, attention, intimacy, support, friendship, food, safety ...

and none of us can do this life thing on our own. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

a conversation with martha

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 
― Corrie ten Boom

in my last post, i shared that i have named my anxiety martha. i imagine her as a 75 year old plump and grumpy woman. she likes to knit and nag. and nag and nag and nag. she sits in her rocking chair and tells me all the bad things that are going to happen to me. 

here is what a conversation with martha would sound like:

Me: i have to drive home from the cottage. look, someone has a flat tire.

Martha: you're going to have a flat tire. watch out for that bump. 

Me: it's just a bump.

Martha: nope, it's a bump that is going to pop your tire. and then you'll have to call a tow truck and ride in with with SC and the dog for 2 1/2 hours.

Me: it's just a bump.

Martha: nope.

Me: okay, we passed the bump and no flat tire.

Martha: your tire is going to explode. at some point on this drive. 

Me: really?

Martha: really. it's going to explode and you'll have to sit on the side of the road for hours waiting for CAA to come with a tow truck. 

Me: it's not going to explode.

Martha: what's that sound?

Me: what sound?

Martha: the rattling squeaking sound.

Me: i don't know.

Martha: the car is going to spontaneously burst into flames. 

Me: really?

Martha: yes, i told you that you should have taken the car in for a check-up. and you should have gotten an oil change. and you really should pull over the car right now. right, right NOW. because the car is going to burst into flames with you in it. seriously, pull over.

Me: i can't pull over. i want to pull over. because i know you're right. but i can't pull over here. 

Martha: you should have pulled over while you had the chance. you're an idiot. and now you're going to be an idiot with a flat tire, and a car in flames. 

Me: i'm an idiot. 

what would a conversation with your anxiety sound like? who wins, you or your anxiety? lots of times my anxiety wins. lots and lots of times. the trick is to find a way to tell your martha that she isn't wanted, that she isn't invited, and that you don't want her around. sending away your anxiety and telling it that it doesn't run your life is one way to deal with anxiety. 

“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.” 
― Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

naming your anxiety is another way to separate it from yourself. you are not your anxiety, you are having anxiety. by naming it, you are giving it a separate identity and putting distance between you and your anxiety. 

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” 
― Epictetus

martha and i are safely home from the cottage now. no flat tire, and no flames. in case you were worried like i was. 

in the meanwhile ...

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Anxious Martha

Solitude. 

It doesn't have to be lonely. I am sitting on the porch at the cottage listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the shoreline and trying to convince myself that it is enjoyable to be alone. 

Sometimes being alone is great. Time to think. Time to recharge. Time to reflect, rejuvenate ... Other times it's just lonely. 

The truth is, I keep thinking about my anxiety. 

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."

Charles Spurgeon

I have named my anxiety Martha. 

Martha is a 75 year old plump old woman who likes to knit in her rocking chair. She likes to nag and harp on the same topic repeatedly. Her current obsession is money and the lack of it. She worries constantly about how to spend money and how to save it. But she's not helpful. She just nags. 

Martha is smart and knows how to scare me. She whispers all day long until she convinces me that the car is going to explode, or some such nonsense. And even though I KNOW it not to be true, I can't help but listen to her. 

Martha is bossy too. She tells me not to do things like go out to parties or try new things. 

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

Soren Kierkegaard

I am trying to think of ways to send Martha away when she gets persistent. I've tried talking to her. But seeing as she is my anxiety and not an actual person, sometimes that feels really dumb. But I keep telling her she isn't welcome. That she wasn't invited to the party, I was. She wasn't asked out to coffee, I was. 

"I think anxiety is dangerous, but it makes you think it's your friend."

Noah Baumbach

If you could name your anxiety, what would its name be? What would its personality be? And how would you tell it to leave you alone? 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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