Why my Heart Weeps for Paris

Note: 

this post was hard to write. 

It may very well be hard to read. 

I like to say that Nosy Nora's favourite word is "suggest" ... 

I would like to suggest that you think about whether or not you want to read this particular post. It discusses atrocities that people commit against each other. My images are stark and may have an impact on you. It is potentially triggering to read - it was certainly triggering to write. 

I will completely understand your discretion at choosing whether or not to read this post. 

Respectfully yours, 

April 

I firmly believe that one atrocity does not outweigh another. Weeping for the horrors in Paris does not mean NOT weeping for the horrors in Beirut. Humans have always committed harm against each other. It is our deepest flaw - the belief that two wrongs can make a right. 

Revenge, retaliation, and not even knowing "who started it".

As a young child, I was exposed to horrors around the world enacted over the last 70 years of global history. Explicitly taught and shown what happened, what WAS happening, and what could happen. Taught of the horrors as a means to prevent their recurrence. At night I curled up in a ball in my bed and cried silent tears over lives lost and horrific violence committed in countries I had never been to - some I had never heard of. 

At 10, I would wake from nightmares about what might be happening to Nelson Mandela in prison. At 11, I was taken on a class trip to see a graphic movie about the life and brutal death of Stephen Biko and I would wake in the night fearful of what might happen next - of what could, or in my mind WOULD, happen next. 

I think it is worth me writing about here in this space that I have created for myself. To finally speak what I have carried around in my heart for more than 30 years. 

Humans can be awful. Humans can be beautiful and wonderful and kind and compassionate and vulnerable and strong and weak and brave and incredible and sad and lonely and jealous and mindful and just plain human. 

Humans can also be convinced that they are in the right. That violence is the only solution. That nothing else will work. Humans are flawed. 

The attacks on the Twin Towers in New York was horrific. Thousands and thousands and thousands of lives changed, affected, or lost. Continued effects and pain and trauma haunt the USA. I ache for their pain. 

And at the same time, on that day, I thought about the concept of NYMBY - Not In My Back Yard. 

Thousands and thousands and thousands of lives have been changed, affected, or lost around the world over many years. The sudden and unexpected attack on American soil with the loss of so many lives at once was ... there isn't a word to describe how awful it was without sounding flippant or dismissive. My reaction to 9/11 was no different than my reaction every time there is an attack anywhere in the world - whether it is a suicide bomber, a drone bombing, a massacre in a movie theatre or a school, war, genocide ... in my mind, they are all atrocities. They are all worthy of the tears I weep in my heart. 

The reaction of the West to the attacks in Paris are very much rooted in NYMBY. The Middle East faces this unsettled violent loss so often that it has become "expected". It has become "the norm". An attack in France is shocking and terrifying to the West because we think of ourselves as peaceful nations. We don't consider ourselves to be part of the flawed and fearful parts of humanity that we have othered. Hearing of the deaths of innocent people in Iraq is not shocking. Hearing of the deaths of innocent people in France is terrifying. 

To me there is no difference except that we have become desensitized to horrors that are far enough removed from our realities that we have convinced ourselves of NYMBY. We have convinced ourselves that the individuals in Western society who suddenly murder innocent people in a massacre in a movie theatre in Colorado, 

a school in Columbine, 

a University in Montreal

 - that these are the acts of individuals with mental health challenges. 

That horrific attacks from one nation against another could not possibly happen here. 

And yet it did. 

I weep for the people in Paris who survived the attacks. I weep for the ones who were murdered. I weep for those left behind. I weep for the fears of France declaring it an act of war. I weep for the potential repercussions. I weep for the people who believe so strongly in a common enemy that they are willing to take so many lives as well as their own. It is awful, and painful, and something that I can't possibly ever understand. 

I weep for the children of Soweto who were murdered by police in June of 1967 when they protested Afrikaans being the language of instruction in schools. 

I weep for the over 1,700,000 Tutsi Rwandans who were slaughtered over a period of 100 days by Hutu Rwandans - military, police, and civilians, encouraged to wipe out the Tutsi people in 1994. Roughly 7 people every hour ...  My heart aches for the 45,000 Tutsi people, including children and infants, hiding in a technical school, who were slaughtered all in one day and dumped into a mass grave - a volleyball court was built on top to hide what had happened. The school is now a genocide museum. 

I weep for the victims, survivors, and families of those systematically murdered during the Holocaust. 

I weep for the missing and murdered Aboriginal women in our own country of Canada. 

I weep for the people of Beirut. 

I weep for Stephen Biko (famous for his slogan "black is beautiful") who was brutally murdered while in police custody in 1977 - the year I was born. He was declared a terrorist by the South African government, because of his activism against apartheid, detained and beaten until he died of a brain hemorrhage. 

I weep for heart break and sadness and murder and terror and acts of violence that I will never comprehend. 

Humans have the capacity for such love and such hate. 

It terrifies me. 

As a teacher, one of the main focuses of my teaching is: do not retaliate, do not seek revenge, and work towards restitution. It is not enough to say you are sorry. It is not enough to be sorry. As human beings we must make amends for the hurts and harm that we cause. 

A survivor from the massacre at the concert in Paris wrote an incredibly real, raw, heart wrenching, loving, passionate piece on her Facebook wall. It is incredibly hard to read. She describes what happened in detail, yet she writes of love and kindness and our shared humanity. At 22 years old, her perspective shows that she is an old soul. I have chosen NOT to share what she wrote. It is triggering and awful and beautiful. Should you wish to read it, look up Isobel Bowdery on Facebook and scroll to the photograph of the stained white shirt. 

Beyond being horrific and shocking and painful, the attacks in Paris is a knife in the heart of the West - Not In My Back Yard. A message that we are not immune to the anger, hatred, and violence enacted by those we have othered as militant, angry, insane, terrorists. Their acts have evoked terror in the hearts and minds of the West. 

Including me. 

There will never be a time when horrific acts of atrocity make any sense to me. I will never be able to sort out the feelings inside my very soul as I react to things that I learn about what we as humans can do to other humans. It is devastating and I am fearful over what may come next. 

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and let your compassion touch the world. 

xoxo

...

unexpected

things don't always go as planned. 

i am a planner. i think things through. i am prepared. i am organized. 

yesterday i was supposed to see a movie and instead ended up with a flat tire. 

today i imagined (worried and stressed about) that i planned to spend the entire day waiting for my tire to get fixed and the mechanic ended up fixing it within an hour. 

nosy nora suggested that i spend my time worrying about things in place of other things. as in, i worry about my car getting a flat tire instead of worrying about important and reasonable things. instead of admitting to myself what i am actually worrying about. i fill my brain with worries that are slightly ridiculous, or at least unimportant. 

today, for example, while talking to nosy nora i was completely distracted thinking about where i parked my car. why? because i had to go in a different entrance and parked in a different spot and was completely convinced that i wasn't going to be able to find my way back and if and when i did find my way back to the car i wasn't going to be able to find my way out of the parking lot. so as we were talking, i kept picturing myself driving around the underground garage in circles for an hour trying to find the exit. 

dude. there are signs that say "exit" and have arrows. and the lot isn't that big. 

but i was totally distracted and my heart was racing. 

so back to my flat tire. i lost it and had a total and complete meltdown over the tire. it was ridiculous. i couldn't stop crying. over a tire. nosy nora says, "it's just a car." and intellectually i know that. but one of my biggest anxieties is about something happening to my car. so getting a flat tire did me in. i just stood there on the side of the road crying and couldn't stop.

it was so embarrassing. 

so the question becomes, what was i really crying about? was it my car? was it my tire? or was that just the tipping point in my stressful life? 

what does my anxiety cover up? what space does it replace in my brain. 

in case you're wondering, my uncle came and changed my tire to the spare. my aunt made me sugary tea and gave me a long hug. we drove home on the highway very slowly and then i took the car in this morning to the mechanic. the rim was bent and apparently that makes the tire leak. totally don't get it. but i don't need to. that's what mechanics and uncles are for. 

another major anxiety of mine is the dentist. i'm terrified that i will go to the dentist, and s/he will clean my teeth and my front tooth will fall out. 

crazy. 

i know i'm crazy. 

i think about it all the time. i am completely convinced that my front tooth is going to fall out. which if i don't get myself to a dentist could actually happen. but i'm too scared to go to the dentist. 

PP says that if my tooth falls out at the dentist i would have all sorts of blog stories to tell ... 

... 

things don't always go the way you expect them to. you can't plan for everything. you can't always be prepared. 

my car has a spare tire, jack, and wrench. i worry about flat tires all the time. i was completely prepared to have a flat and had a way to deal with it. i also have CAA (that's like AAA if you're reading this from the states. it's a car service if you're reading this from another country). but i wasn't emotionally prepared for the flat tire. it was completely unexpected. 

if we spend our time preparing for the worst, we won't be able to enjoy our lives. you can't plan life. life unfolds. you can't control anything that happens to you or what other people do, think, or feel. the only thing you can control is your reaction to the unexpected. or in my case, the reaction to the reaction. 

i need to forgive myself for sobbing about a flat tire. i need to forgive myself for needing my uncle to fix the problem instead of dealing with it myself. and i need to forgive myself for struggling to face the unexpected. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fear of success

yesterday i wrote about the fear of failure and how it can be paralyzing. and today i want to talk about the fear of success which can be equally paralyzing.

Here are 3 examples of fear of success:

1. Fear of Not Coping With Success

As Hugh MacLeod points out, success is more complex than failure. On some level, it’s more comfortable to stay in a familiar situation, even if it doesn’t feel great on the surface. But achieving success (however you define it) means you are entering uncharted territory. You are putting yourself out there to be scrutinized and criticized, and exposing yourself to new pressures and demands.

It’s only human to wonder whether you’ll be up to the challenge. A small anxious part of you would rather not take the risk. http://99u.com/articles/14347/are-you-subconsciously-afraid-of-success

2. Fear of Selling Out

Creatives have a complicated relationship with success. On the one hand, you wouldn’t be reading 99U if you weren’t ambitious to succeed; on the other, you don’t want success at all costs – especially the loss of your artistic integrity.

Whatever choices you make, if you achieve any kind of public success, it’s a sad fact that someone, somewhere will be thinking (and even saying) nasty things about you – including accusations of “selling out.” http://99u.com/articles/14347/are-you-subconsciously-afraid-of-success

3. Fear of Becoming Someone Else

Because we habitually put successful people on pedestals, the idea of becoming “one of them” can feel daunting. You start to worry that you’ll turn into someone else, a person your friends and family won’t recognize—and won’t like.

This fear has some foundation in reality. After all, if you were satisfied with the person you are now, why would you want to change? But it’s also founded on a false premise: that change is about leaving your old self behind and replacing it with a completely new one. Change is more complex than that. You are definitely more complex than that.  http://99u.com/articles/14347/are-you-subconsciously-afraid-of-success

another reason is that we fear we don't deserve the success. so we sabotage ourselves. will we change when we succeed? will we like the person we become? will other people still like us?

tiny buddha offers 6 ways to overcome the fear of success:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/overcome-fear-of-success-6-ways-to-start-thriving/

1. be positive
2. continually remind yourself you are part of something larger than you
3. take time to find your authenticity 
4. create your success library
5. learn
6. live in balance

visit the website for an explanation of the 6 ways.

but what about me? what do i think?

i think that you need to face your fears head on. you need to ask yourself what will happen if you succeed. and more importantly, you need to ask yourself what is keeping you from succeeding. 

i have been on diet after diet since i was 9 years old. and none of them have offered me any sort of success. then i stopped dieting. i started listening to my body. listening to what it wants to eat. and i started to lose weight. but whenever i hit a milestone, i sabotage myself. i'm terrified of what it could mean to be thin. being thin is scarier than being fat. 

the worst is when people comment on my weight loss. as if it is a triumph. as if i was so fat before that my weight loss is noticeable. as if it is anyone else's business. it makes me want to binge. 

good thing i have coping strategies that i didn't have before. 

so many of us are afraid of failure, but so many of us are just as afraid of success. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fear of failure

i was asked today to write a post about the fear of failure. this is a common fear. we often set ourselves up to fail by taking on too much and then beating ourselves up when we can't do it all.

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” 
― Thomas A. Edison

unless we try, we don't have the option to fail. and what kind of life is that? it's a life of not living. the fear of failure can be paralyzing. how can you face your fears? 

1. look at things from a different perspective. 

2. think about the potential outcomes of whatever you are afraid of failing at. often we are afraid of the unknown. 

3. try to think positively. 

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” 
― Winston S. Churchill

the courage to continue. to get yourself up every morning to face the day, even when it's hard. the courage to face the difficult things in life. to face the potential of failure head on. to take risks. to fail and to get back up again. 

“Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ” 
― Coco Chanel

no matter how many times you fail, don't beat yourself up. you can't make yourself into someone that you're not. you are uniquely and wonderfully you. 

“Life is full of screwups. You're supposed to fail sometimes. It's a required part of the human existence.” 
― Sarah Dessen

being human means making mistakes, getting messy, and learning as you go. 

“If you're not prepared to be wrong, you'll never come up with anything original.” 
― Ken Robinson

you have to be prepared to be wrong. you will face many challenges, some will have a successful outcome and some wont. but if you don't try, you wont have the opportunity to learn. 

a friend asked me to write this post. she overextended herself and had to give up some things. she feels like she failed. but that isn't failure. that is learning from your experience. that is taking care of yourself. that is being an adult and knowing when enough is enough. that isn't failure. 

“When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.” 
― Ellen DeGeneres

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

dealing with anxiety

in the past, i have written about anxiety, worries, and being anxious. today i want to talk about ways to deal with anxiety. 

anxiety is a major part of my life. it has been for as long as i can remember. lately, i have been dealing with anxiety by grinding my teeth. i have only had one panic attack in the last month thankfully. but i still get a clenched belly and clenched jaw. 

so what is anxiety? it is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. or, as a disorder that causes nervousness, fear, apprehension and worrying. 

so what can you do about it? how can you live life when you are constantly in a state of worry and apprehension? 

learning relaxation techniques is important. whether that means something like meditation, or simply breathing exercises or muscle relaxation techniques. 

another step is to challenge your negative thinking. for me, one of my biggest worries is about my car. i am always sure it is going to blow up, or get a flat tire. so i talk myself through the scenario. will my car blow up? no. cars don't spontaneously explode. they just don't. will i get a flat tire? it could happen. will it kill me? no. i have CAA and can call someone to come and help me. it will suck, but i will be okay. and likely, i wont get a flat tire. 

limit your alcohol and caffeine intake. they can make your anxiety worse. (yes, DP, less coffee could be helpful)

get enough sleep. when you are sleep-deprived (as i often am) you are more prone to worry. and when you are in a state of anxiety, you need more rest. 

exercise is helpful ... (so i am told repeatedly by nosy nora). something as simple as going for walks can really help to manage your symptoms. 

eat foods high in anti-oxidants like blueberries. as well as almonds, dark chocolate, fish (eww), and pumpkin seeds. they supposedly lower the hormones responsible for stress. i don't know if this is true, but there are no negative effects to eating these things, so go for it. 

say no. seriously. 

say no. 

don't get overwhelmed by commitments. we lead such busy lives and we over-commit ourselves. you need to learn your limits and respect yourself enough to enforce them. this might mean staying home on a friday night when all your friends are out having fun. it's okay. you don't have to do everything. 

keep a journal that keeps track of when you are anxious and try to identify what you are feeling anxious about. as i type this, i am worrying about how it will be received and i am grinding my teeth. as you journal and discover what is causing your apprehension and fears, you can uncover the things that are within your control. then you can make changes to the situation 

there are situations beyond your control. but focus on the things that you CAN change. and then ... change them. 

set aside worry time. give yourself an hour each day where you are allowed to worry about everything. you are allowed to stress and freak out and run every situation over and over again in your head. and when the hour is up, you are done. finished. no more worrying allowed. turn it off. think about other things. 

another idea from nosy nora is to put in your earphones and listen to happy music, or music that makes you feel good, or music that has positive memories tied to it. and if you feel like it, dance along. it's almost impossible to feel anything but happy when you are dancing along to "sweet home alabama". check out this website on music and memory to further understand how music can connect you to happier and calmer feelings.  http://musicandmemory.org/

use positive thoughts to challenge the negative ones. "this is scary but i will be okay." or "this is awful, but i have some strategies to deal with it." i use geneen roth's suggestion of adding "the sky is blue" to my thoughts. it neutralizes the thought by attaching the statement to it. "my car is going to blow up the sky is blue." or "i am never going to get this right i am such an idiot the sky is blue."

there's always meditation and yoga. for those of us gently rounded people, yoga sounds terrifying. i am so anxious about yoga that i have to do it at home using youtube videos instead of going to a class. but it's better than not doing anything at all. 

most of all, if anxiety is running your life, seek support from friends and family, and potentially from a health care professional. living with anxiety is really challenging. trust me. it sucks. but there are ways to manage your anxiety and you don't have to do it alone. 

and as always, 
be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

scared part 2

yesterday i wrote a post about 50 things that i was scared of. but since then i have thought of so many more things that scare me. 

51. being authentic in case it means no one likes me.
52. i can't sleep with any part of me hanging over the side of the bed (or too close to the edge of the bed) in case something grabs me. or someone. 
53. dogs.
54. gory movies.
55. my parents dying.
56. snakes.
57. people who get angry.
58. my car dying in the middle of nowhere.
59. flat tires.
60. death in general.
61. guns.
62. violence.
63. being late.
64. not sleeping. 
65. sleeping too much.
66. anxiety.
67. being pulled over by the police.
68. wild animals.
69. being reincarnated as a frog. ok, not really. that one was for nosy nora. 
70. that there is life after death and i will have to live all over again and never get to just sleep.
71. that there is no life after death and this is all we have.
72. moving.
73. debt.
74. panic attacks.
75. anger.
76. yelling.
77. ants in my house.
78. drugs.
79. driving in the dark.
80. driving in the dark in the rain.
81. driving in a snow storm.
82. war.
83. genocide.
84. tornadoes.
85. the power going off.
86. bad credit.
87. running out of money.
88. my teeth falling out. 
89. strangers.
90. getting in trouble at work. 
91. having to work forever.
92. not being able to work. 
93. tv shows and movies about violence.
94. DP leaving me.
95. ghost stories.
96. public bathrooms.
97. cancer.
98. not being able to pay the bills.
99. the dark.
100. running out of things to write about.

and that makes my top 100 things that i am afraid of. there's a few repeats from yesterday's list i think. but that's only 'cause those things are really scary. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

scared

i have noticed that many of my readers are from Russia. I wanted to say welcome and thank you for reading my blog. 

Добро пожаловать и спасибо за чтение моего блога . Я ценю, что ты , что нашли время , чтобы посетить мой сайт и читать мои мысли .

Dobro pozhalovat' i spasibo za chteniye moyego bloga 

YA tsenyu, chto ty , chto nashli vremya , chtoby posetit' moy sayt 

i chitat' moi mysli 

as halloween approaches, i thought it would write about things that scare me. the list is long. and sometimes irrational. 

here are my top 50 fears:

1. i am afraid of getting lost
2. i am afraid of not finding parking
3. i am afraid of my car breaking down - or spontaneously exploding
4. i am afraid of getting a flat tire
5. i am afraid of dark parking lots
6. i'm afraid of dark streets at night
7. i'm afraid of being raped.
8. i'm afraid of being murdered
9. i'm afraid of burning dinner when i cook
10. i'm afraid of people being mad at me
11. i'm afraid when people yell
12. i'm afraid of the news
13. i'm afraid of dogs
14. i'm afraid of being wrong
15. i'm afraid of breaking the rules
16. i'm afraid of being fat forever
17. i'm afraid of being in trouble
18. i'm afraid of insects
19. i'm afraid of mice and rats
20. i'm afraid of police
21. i'm afraid of bad guys
22. i'm afraid that if i drive with the windows open someone will reach inside and steal my bag
23. i'm afraid of my car windows being smashed in (which has happened twice so it's not irrational)
24. i'm afraid of drinking too much
25. i'm afraid of getting stuck on an elevator
26. i'm afraid of my house being broken into
27. i'm afraid of the people i love dying
28. i'm afraid of losing my friends
29. i'm afraid of being car jacked or shot
30. i'm afraid of a shooting happening at my school
31. i'm afraid of guns
32. i'm afraid of stray cats
33. i'm afraid of magic being real and i'm afraid that it's not
34. i'm afraid of men i pass walking down the street
35. i'm afraid of strangers
36. i'm afraid of my fears
37. i'm afraid of death
38. i'm afraid of living
39. i'm afraid of sleeping to much and of sleeping too little
40. i'm afraid of sharing too much
41. i'm afraid of scary movies
42. i'm afraid of shows like "criminal minds"
43. i'm afraid of my friends changing their minds about wanting to be friends with me (which has happened numerous times and isn't an irrational fear either)
44. i'm afraid of my teeth falling out
45. i'm afraid of car commercials, and credit card commercials
46. i'm afraid to take pills and i'm afraid not to
47. i'm afraid of spiders
48. i'm afraid of money - of not having enough, of owing too much
49.i'm afraid of my back being sore
50. i'm afraid of the subway. 

i am pretty much afraid of something all the time. it's exhausting. do any of you have any advice to deal with my fears?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

anxious

lately i feel a sense of panic all the time. like something bad is coming. but i don't know what it is. 

anxiety has a grip on me. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

i can't imagine being free. i can't imagine what it would feel like not to be worrying about something. i wonder what it would feel like? 

i want to describe my anxiety. but i am having trouble finding the words. 

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” ― Anaïs Nin

i disagree with anais nin ... i think that the person feeling the anxiety is the one who feels like they are trying to save a drowning man. anxiety is the man who has a grip on you and you have to decide to let him go in order to save yourself. 

anxiety clings to me and pulls me down. 

the latest thing that gets to me is commercials for things like cars. i have no idea why. car commercials make my heart start to race. i think it is the idea of making a huge purchase. i have a car. a good car. i've only had it for a year and a half. so i'm not buying a new car. i don't know why i am sent into a panic whenever i see or hear a commercial for cars. did you know there are a zillion car commercials on the radio and television? sheesh. 

“To hear the phrase "our only hope" always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn't work, there is nothing left.” ― Lemony Snicket

i feel like i live my life on the verge of "our only hope" as if there is nothing i can do to save myself from whatever is coming. intellectually i know that there is nothing bad coming. but emotionally i am waiting for the next terrible thing to occur. 

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom

carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength ... carrying the worries of things that i can't control. i can't control the things that i worry about and i worry about things that are beyond my control. i use up a great deal of energy worrying and feeling anxious. it's exhausting to be honest. no wonder i am so tired all the time. 

“Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.” ― Jodi Picoult

i know intellectually that worrying doesn't solve any problems. worrying doesn't prepare me for tomorrow. it doesn't help me get through my day. but it certainly occupies my time and occupies my brain power. 

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus

i agree that my anxieties are not about "real" problems. but i don't agree that my anxiety is imagined. the constant worrying, the grinding of my teeth, the biting of my nails, the lying awake at night, the wondering ...  those aren't imagined. those are real. 

“But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks, or break a window--maybe rearrange all the furniture.” ― Raymond Carver

i take my nervous energy and i put it into my body; i grind my teeth, i bite the insides of my cheeks, i dig my nails into my cuticles. i direct my anxiety into my body. my heart races, my stomach is in knots, and my palms are often sweaty. 

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ― Khalil Gibran

my anxiety is about my fear of what i can't control. 

when i get most anxious is when i am faced with something that i can't control, like the reactions of other people, or trying to find a parking spot, or driving somewhere and getting lost. 

“For so many years, I couldn’t understand why every time I thought that someone finally loved me, like… for real, they would eventually turn to vapor. Every person whom I’ve ever loved is trapped inside of my chest. I’ve breathed all of them in so deeply that I’ve nearly choked and died on every soul that I’ve ever given myself to.” ― Jennifer Elisabeth

my biggest fear is that everyone i love will die and leave me alone. i spend a lot of energy worrying about death. the truth is, that everyone WILL die, eventually. so it isn't a completely unrealistic fear. the unrealistic part is how i spend so much time, energy, and fear worrying about it. the anxiety of it eats me up inside and takes up a huge space in my brain. 

this is the part of my blog post where i am supposed to give you some piece of advice about anxiety. this is the part where i share some gem ... some wisdom about living your life to the fullest, about how to rid yourself of worries, about how to free yourself from anxiety. 

i can't do that this time. this post is about my own struggle, not about how to free yourself from yours. all i can say is, 

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” ― Brené Brown

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

binge

i want to write about bingeing. i want to take away the secrecy and stop perpetuating the shame of it. 

i asked LES first if i should write about bingeing. it's a scary topic. she wrote to me and said, 

"i read your work because it normalizes it for me… helps me feel a wee bit less shame. I may not have the strength that you have in this moment to control it or frankly even notice it/that i was binging until reading your thing.. but yeah, it helps to remove shame by sharing our stories.. you may not be able to remove your own shame but by sharing you help remove a bit of mine"

i have been a binge-er since i was 13. 

and i now have gone months without bingeing and feel like i have that part of my life under some semblance of control (yes nosy nora, i will admit and take responsibility for SOME control in my life, for some things that i have control over ...). 

but as a child, i was a secret binge-er. i would sneak food and eat it super fast and hide the wrappers. i would eat nothing all day and then gorge myself on chocolate bars on the way home from school. i would snack on chips and cookies and crackers. 

i sent the above to LES and she wrote back: 

*she reads this with eyes wide open taking it all in as she binges on crackers, cookies and gold fish - not having eaten all day"

as i grew into an adult, the hiding became more intense and more important to the behaviour. 

what's it like to binge? it's the ultimate numbing experience. the food doesn't matter. it could be stale, hard, old ... it doesn't matter. because you don't taste the food. it's not about eating, it's about numbing. 

at my lowest point, i took a cake out of the garbage can and ate it. i ate a cake out of the garbage. i have also eaten cold french fries. out of a macdonalds bag. that was crumpled in the garbage can. 

geneen roth describes a binge as a way of eating, not an amount of food. she wrote that a binge can be 2 cookies. 

i have never eaten until i was sick. it is the intensity with which i find junk food and stuff it into me without tasting it. a binge can be on carrots. a binge is when you are eating instead of feeling your feelings. 

i often would binge because i didn't want to feel the emotions that come up - those difficult emotions that no one likes to feel: loneliness, fear, anger, sadness ... 

"if you don't allow feelings, if you push them away, they get bigger, become more threatening. feelings don't go away because you're afraid of them." - geneen roth

... i find myself now looking for food to binge on when i am feeling those emotions. but instead, i stop, i breathe, i sit down, and i ask myself what it is that i am feeling. what am i feeling and why? and i let the emotions pass through me. 

healing from bingeing (and purging) is hard work and there will always be relapses. 

geneen roth offers strategies for dealing with bingeing that include allowing yourself to binge and then being kind to yourself afterwards - incredibly kind and gentle. 

nosy nora suggested that i have a hole inside of me ... a hole that can't be filled, instead it needs to be mended. 

i like that image. 

i like the idea that i was using food to stuff myself to try to fill an endless pit. but an endless pit can't be filled. 

i have been working on sealing up the hole inside of me instead. through gentleness and inquiry. 

if you are struggling with bingeing, there are places that can help. i got help. i didn't solve this myself. email me and i will help you find support in your area. 


be kind to yourself, there's no other way to be

xoxo

...

changes and fear

a few months ago, i wrote a blog post about changes. http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/changes.html advising that change can be good. 

well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet. 

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)

i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe. 

“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.” 
― Lemony Snicket

my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing. 

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....” 
― Erica Jong

turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue. 

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.” 
― Shel Silverstein

it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn. 

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.” 
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change. 

so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'. - Bob Dylan

i hate change. there aren't enough words to explain how uncomfortable change makes me. and yet, change is constantly happening. good changes, bad changes, neutral changes. i hate them all. 

this post is for all the people in my life being forced to change. especially LAC (... yes you, i'm talking about you ...) who is moving on to greener pastures whether she wants to or not, whether she is willing to admit that they are greener or not ...

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” 
― Mary Shelley

we navigate our way through the world in the safety of what we know ... what we are used to ... what is comfortable. the idea of something new and different is scary to us. we fear what we don't know. we doubt ourselves and our abilities. in the midst of change, we forget that we always have options. we externalize our worth rather than looking within - we define ourselves by what job we have, how much money we make, what we own, and how we are seen. real change means accepting that who we are matters more than what we are. the truth is that we cling to what we know for fear of losing what we have; for fear of losing ourselves in what we don't know. 

there is one fact that we often forget: we take ourselves with us wherever we go. you can't leave yourself behind no matter how many changes you make (or are forced into making).

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan

change is discomfort. change is facing the unknown. sometimes facing your fears. this can be really scary, and it can also be really exciting. everything is in a constant state of change. nothing stagnates. 

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” 
― Stephen Chbosky

life doesn't stop. for anybody. for anything. the world turns whether we stand still and cry or run around in circles screaming about the changes that we don't want to happen. people grow, people change, people move on. and we have to keep living. 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” 
― Lao Tzu

the world is in a constant state of change. life is full of cycles, but things don't cycle back in exactly the same way. the flowers come back after the winter, but they aren't the same flowers. they are new flowers from the same bulbs. 

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

throw yourself ... it is time to embrace change - as much as we drag our feet and stagnate in what we know, the world is in a constant state of change. it is the one thing that we can count on. captain stressy pants says that the world would be boring without change. that doesn't make me hate it any less. but i am willing to throw myself, to be open to possibilities that come with changes. 

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan


“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

sometimes staying in the position that we are in means staying in a situation that is not good for us. sometimes we think that we are happy because we have been here for so long that we think this is what happiness is. and then, surprisingly, things in the new place are better and we discover that the change was a good thing. 

LAC, i have a message for you:

“You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

we get so used to what we know, that even when what we know is unhealthy we want to stay. you don't know what is out there. you don't know how good other people have it because we, you AND i, have been here in this place for so long. we call it home. we call it family. and family doesn't stop being family just because you move away. we will always been family. this will always be a second home. and you are going to find joy in the new place with the new people and with children who WANT to learn. 

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

- Bob Dylan

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

i hate change. and i am trying to embrace it. i am trying to get used to the idea of my friends leaving my school, of nosy nora moving her office, of the furniture in my living room being rearranged, of driving a rental car instead of my own, of meeting with a new doctor today and another new doctor in a few weeks ... i am trying to embrace the changes within my self. i am trying to get used to the idea of saying what i think, of expressing my feelings, of allowing myself to HAVE feelings, of allowing myself to FEEL those emotions, of standing up for myself ...

change isn't all bad. even the hard change has a purpose. and besides ...


“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” 
― Margaret Mead

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
...