what to say to someone struggling with depression

have you seen that commercial where the voice over says "where does depression hurt? everywhere." well this is true. 

and today, after being told that i need to "do something about" my depression, as if i haven't spent the last 7 months healing and struggling to stay afloat ... i decided to write a blog post about what to say to someone suffering with depression. because telling someone to suck it up, to get over it, to figure it out, or to do something about it ... well those aren't helpful. at all. just saying. 

Understanding depression in a friend or family member:

• Depression is a serious condition. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.
• The symptoms of depression aren’t personal. Depression makes it difficult for a person to connect on a deep emotional level with anyone, even the people he or she loves most. In addition, depressed people often say hurtful things and lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so try not to take it personally.
• Hiding the problem won’t make it go away. Don’t be an enabler. It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.
• You can’t “fix” someone else’s depression. Don’t try to rescue your loved one from depression. It’s not up to you to fix the problem, nor can you. You’re not to blame for your loved one’s depression or responsible for his or her happiness (or lack thereof). Ultimately, recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

here are 15 things you can say to someone suffering with depression:

1. someone with depression is looking for understanding, empathy, and the feeling of being heard. so say something that acknowledges that it sucks.

2. let the person know that you are there for them if they need you. 

3. offer to go for a walk, to talk, or to go for coffee with the person. 

4. ask if there is anything you can do.

5. let the person know that they are not alone.

6. let the person know that they matter. that they are important to you. 

7. offer a hug.

8. acknowledge that the feelings are real and that person is not crazy. 

9. remind the person that there will be an end. that they wont always feel this way. and that you will be there through it. 

10. let them know that they will survive this. 

11. acknowledge that you don't know what they are feeling, but that you will try to understand. 

12. recognize that isolation is a symptom of depression. don't be put off by being put off. 

13. be a good listener. don't offer advice if it isn't asked for. 

14. instead of trying to convince the person that their feelings are irrational, try saying "i'm sorry you feel that way." 

15.  ask if the person has sought professional help. offer to help them find professional help - to go with them to the doctor, to a therapist, or to the hospital if necessary. 

be honest with yourself about your own feelings and talk to someone else if you are feeling overwhelmed by a friend or loved one's depression.

depression is an illness. and it isn't fun. and it isn't something that anyone wishes upon themselves or brings upon themselves. it isn't something that you can just suck up and carry on, or easily fix. and it is something that will come and go throughout life. 

so the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone to suck it up or get over it ... the next time you find yourself wanting to say, "i know how you feel, i was really sad when my dog died." ... look at this list and find something helpful to say instead. 

be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

brene brown

last night, radical t and i were talking about connection and its importance in our lives. radical t reminded me that brene brown states that we, as humans, are hard wired for connection. i then went to bed and read some brene brown. i wanted to share some of her gems of wisdom ... 

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ..............  “Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”  
― Brené Brown


connecting with others makes us feel seen, heard, and valued. it gives us a sense of belonging and a reason to be here on this planet. 

“Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.” 
― Brené Brown

connecting doesn't happen with everyone. i can't be authentic with my students all the time. i'm not authentic with the grocery store clerk. i make my connections with the people in life who matter. finding the right people to make connections with means figuring out who makes you feel heard and valued.

“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” 
― Brené Brown

suffering is what happens when there is a lack of connection. not connecting with people leaves you feeling lost, undervalued, unheard, and not belonging. loneliness leads to numbing through things like addictions, eating disorders, anxiety, depression ... 

“There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

letting yourself be seen is the scariest and bravest choice that you can make. it means living an authentic life. telling your story to those who deserve to hear it. 

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” 
― Brené Brown

i used to be an expert on numbing emotions. i found many non-unique ways to rid myself of painful emotions which led to the ridding of positive emotions. you can't feel joy if you don't allow yourself to feel grief. 

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

being courageous and being seen is the opposite of numbing emotions. showing yourself to the people who you can make real connections with is a way to feel like you belong. courage and authenticity go hand in hand. 

“If we can find someone who has earned the right to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken. In this way, we need to cultivate our story to let go of shame, and we need to develop shame resilience in order to cultivate our story.” 
― Brené Brown

i have chosen this blog as a way to tell my story. by sharing my story with the world, although anonymously, my shame loses its power. and by sharing even more details about my story with people who have earned the right to hear it, shame disappears. 

“the culture of shame is driven by fear, blame and disconnection and it's often a powerful incubator for issues like perfectionism, stereotyping, gossip and addiction” 
― Brené Brown

disconnection happens when shame is allowed to fester and run your life. disconnection is the opposite of feeling seen, heard, and valued. 

“In our technology-crazed world, we’ve confused being communicative with feeling connected. Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on Facebook than we do face-to-face with the people we care about.” 
― Brené Brown

i spend way too much time on the computer. communicating through social media, blogging, and texting, and until i really thought about it, i thought that it was connecting. but it's important to get off the techno, and come face to face with the people that matter in our lives. 

try it. 

be kind to yourself, 
and most importantly ...

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” 
― Brené Brown

xoxo

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