The Purge Cycle (TRIGGER WARNING)

TRIGGER WARNING:

This post discusses purging. 

For the last 4 months I have been struggling with a really difficult relapse. And just when I think I have a handle on it, something happens and I go back to my old coping mechanisms and once I begin the cycle, it is incredibly hard to get off that spinning circle. 

I've written before about how I have learned that people are made up of different parts of ourselves. And, as I do with all things, I took the idea and went with it and then developed it into something that I could understand and work with. For me, that meant exploring my psyche, naming my parts, and drawing them. 

This morning I emailed Nosy Nora to attempt to explain what has been going on. She suggested that I share what I wrote as a blog post. I must admit that I had already been thinking that it was something I could post here. 

I'm not sure I like talking about myself as if I am different people. But I'm going with it so that I can explain the purge cycle. 

It begins first thing in the morning when Fat fanny stands on the scale and sees if my weight is above or bellow the do-not-pass number. 

Then, based on the number, she chooses to eat something like junk food for breakfast. 

Hateful Harriet sees all this and tells Fat Fanny that she is fat and stupid and tells her that of course she's fat because she makes such stupid choices. 

Punishing Penelope overhears the mean things being said and wants to join in ...

And when she finishes berating Fat Fanny, she tells Purging Polly what happened and pokes at her. 

Purging Polly doesn't want to know anything. She wants to be left alone. Punishing Penelope keeps telling her all about Fat Fanny and Polly starts to get overwhelmed and upset. She can't stop the hateful, mean, ugly words and doesn't know what to do with those feelings, so she makes herself throw up. 

Afterwards, Polly feels shame and stupidity and crawls into bed with Scared Susan. The two of them whisper to each other in the dark. 

Susan tells Polly all the things that are going on in her head. All her fears. Everything that she is afraid of. Polly whispers that she is afraid of the others. That she doesn't know what do when they get angry. She also explains that Fat Fanny chooses what goes into my body and Polly can take control to choose when and what gets expelled.

And then Fat Fanny hears their whispers, tucks them in, and decides what happens next. It might be sleeping, crying, hiding, or eating another kind of junk food which repeats the cycle. And then within that cycle, it starts to not matter what she eats. It can be soup or salad or cucumber or melon. Once the cycle has started, Hateful Harriet and Punishing Penelope just keeping telling Fat Fanny that she's worthless and ugly and a stupid pile of shit. And then they report to Purging Polly and call her horrible names until it's easier to throw up than to listen. 

Yesterday, while climbing into bed, Fat Fanny was listening to Hateful Harriet who was telling her she didn't deserve to feel pleasure .... And out of nowhere, Sexy Sasha poked her head out and said "well maybe ..." And she took over until I fell asleep. The cycle started up again after I woke up from my nap. I ate raspberries. And I didn't deserve them. So I immediately threw them up. 

It's way more complicated than that, obviously. Throw in all the chronic physical pain I have been experiencing, and external stressors and all the things that suck in my life. But I think it's the clearest way to describe what happens. And to explain the ways in which it is a cycle. And to demonstrate that there are ways to break the cycle, if I let parts like Sexy Sasha take over. Or even to call on Morning Myrtle, who finds pleasure in reading, write my, drawing, and cups of hot tea in bed. Today I allowed Myrtle to take me for a walk. We walked 6 km in the gorgeous sunshine. It felt so good. I came home and drew. 

And then after dinner, the cycle began again. 

I keep thinking that Polly is having a tantrum. But I do t know anymore. I think that she is being provoked. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...