anyway, i started to think about him as a specialist. just like any other doctor. only dr G is a specialist of the thoughts and chemicals in your brain. he was a nice guy. he was kind and friendly and asked a million questions.
anyway, the result of seeing dr G is that he "strongly recommended" that i take "at least a month off of work."
the idea is to try some new medication, to focus on self-care, and to work my way through this tunnel of depression to find my way to the other side.
today is the first day of my "month of recovery." and i am going insane already!!!!!!! i have cleaned, cooked, read, written, played piano, played guitar, walked the dog, watched tv, replied to a few emails ...
dr G told me to be kind to myself. to go gently. and to develop a routine slowly so that i don't spend all my time wrapped in my blanket cocoon, but also not to expect myself to just suddenly be able to function like i used to.
so i thought that i would try to find the words to describe what is going on inside my head these days. allie brosh wrote:
"to me, the future doesn't seem real. it's just this magical place where i can put my responsibilities so that i don't have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour."
that is exactly what it is like. i feel like i am hurtling towards failure and disaster and i am dragging my feet on the ground and clinging to walls to try to slow myself down. but i don't do anything about the disasters that i am hurtling towards. i could do the things that i need to do. but i can't. i can't find the motivation. i can't find the will to do the things that need to be done.
allie brosh also described depression really, really well. "i'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you are horribly bored and lonely. [...] i've always wanted not to give a fuck. while crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, i would often fantasize that maybe someday i could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things."
YES YES YES. i don't want to burst into tears throughout the day. i don't want to have panic attacks. i don't want to worry about everything all the time. i don't want to feel hopelessly sad. i don't want to be afraid of everything. and i don't want to be in a fog.
i am "supposed to" be gentle with myself. to be kind to myself. to treat myself with compassion. i am "supposed to" to speak to myself kindly and gently. and all i have done all day is list all the things that i should do and can't get myself to do and then tell myself how stupid and lazy and useless i am for not doing them.
i have been having trouble finding an ending for this post. AG suggested writing "the end. tadah!"
i guess i want to end by thanking the people in my life who are helping me to treat myself kindly by showing me what kindness and compassion look like and feel like. i have an incredible support system and i appreciate all of you.
xoxo
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