Asking for support

For many years I felt alone. 

Most of my life in fact. 

I felt like I wasn't allowed to have emotions, let alone express them. So I held everything inside. 

The pain of holding in my emotions led me to self-medicate. I turned to food, and drugs, and purging, and shame. 

I was afraid to ask for help. 

When I was 13, I wanted nothing more than to die. And I told no one. I was afraid that no one could possibly understand my pain. That I would be laughed at. Scorned. That i would be punished for not being able to suck it up and to survive on my own. 

So I suffered in silence. 

As I got older, things only got worse. I had more access to drugs. I had money to spend. I had more privacy for my bingeing and purging. 

I was so afraid to ask for help. Asking for help meant that I was weak. It meant that I would be judged. It meant that I would be deserted. Abandoned. I would be even more alone. So I said nothing. 

I was afraid. 

And time continued to pass me by. I felt trapped by my own fears and sadness. I was afraid of everything. I never wanted to carry a purse because someone might steal it. I couldn't have the car windows open because someone could reach in and take what was on the front passenger seat, or worse, attack me. I couldn't walk alone because I might be raped. I was afraid of the tires falling off my car. I was afraid that I would fall down the stairs. I was afraid that my house would burn down. 

I was trapped by my anxiety. In a prison of fears. 

So I focused on solving other people's problems. I put everyone's needs ahead of my own. I joined a million committees. I took extra courses at university. I took on 3 jobs. 

And this continued into my adult life. Focusing on other people's problems. Helping everyone else. Taking on their emotions until I felt like I was being stretched in 10 directions at one time. 

And then one day, I had enough. Enough of being scared. Enough of holding in all my feelings. Enough of taking care of everyone else and not taking care of myself. I knew that if I didn't ask for help that I was going to snap. 

I needed support. 

So ... I went online and looked up therapists. I looked through profiles, reading about different modalities. But to be honest, I was mostly looking at the photos. Trying to decide who looked kind. Who looked like they wouldn't judge me. Whose eyes I could trust. 

I chose Nosy Nora. 

At first I was resistant. Asking for support was scary. It meant giving myself over to someone else. Opening up and talking about those pesky things called "feelings" and it was hard. She kept asking me about feelings. I actually had to google a list of feeling words. Write them down. Refer to them. So that I had words to choose from. 

It got easier over time. As I got to know her, I grew to trust her. And I started to learn that it was ok to share my feelings. That it was okay to ask for help. 

The more I began to ask Nosy Nora for support, the harder it became. I felt so needy. I felt like a burden. I felt like I was too much. (Sometimes I still do) But the more she supported me, the more I began to realize that it was okay to need support. She kept telling me that everyone needs each other. That no one can go through life alone. 

So slowly, I let myself be vulnerable and I began to open up to friends. I began to ask for support. And shockingly to me .... I got it. 

People were willing to listen. People were willing to be with me. No matter how messed up I was. 

Because I was able to ask for support, I was able to face my darkness. To open myself up. To share my secrets. To tell my story. To start this blog. To use my experiences to help other people. To share with the world that we are not alone. 

As Nosy Nora says, we all need each other (even if I still often struggle to accept that and feel like my need is a burden). 

The more I ask for support, the more I find it. In unexpected places. The more I share my story, the more love I receive. 

And even when I feel completely alone, I am not. 

Thank goodness for friendship. For love. For my spouse. For my colleagues. For my friends. 

Thank goodness for support. And for hugs. 

If you feel alone. Ask for help. It's okay. I promise. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

numbing

ways to be numb:

pills
food
alcohol
extreme sports
exercise
sleep
avoiding people and social situations
gambling
smoking
sex
the internet


we numb ourselves to avoid the difficult feelings. the feelings that are overwhelming. 

“I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind.” 
― Jessica Sorensen

the pain of being left behind can be drowning. the pain of friends growing apart. of lovers leaving. of loved ones dying. of friends moving away or moving on. 

“I’ve perfected the art of the fake smile. It’s not so difficult when you are completely numb.” 
― Bethany Griffin

when you numb yourself to the pain so completely, that you feel nothing, you find yourself able to fake your way through your life. a fake smile plastered on your face and the answer, "fine" when asked how you are. when you numb yourself so completely to the pain, you feel nothing, not even the good feelings. 

“I was enveloped in numbness, and absence of feeling so deep the bottom was lost from view.” 
― Haruki Murakami

when you allow the numbness to take over, you can no longer see how far there is to fall. the bottom has fallen out from under you and you feel nothing. numbing yourself prevents you from being able to see the world realistically. you see only what you want to see. 

“Once I was free; there was no cage that could bind me, and I had yet to create my box of numbness within my mind to be my silent protector.” 
― J.D. Stroube

numbness is used for protection. to protect your mind from reliving pain, from experiencing sadness, from thinking about loss. but the numbness, whether through food or drugs or alcohol or gambling or sleep ... the numbness prevents you from feeling the good things in life. prevents you from seeing the beauty in a sunflower, the wonder in a baby's smile, the amazement of a sunset, the warmth of a hug. 

numbing is a form of addiction. or what i like to call CRBDAC (Continued repetition of Behaviours Despite Adverse Consequences - Nosy Nora).

Addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease affecting the brain’s reward, motivation, and related systems. People struggling with addiction are unable to control their actions or make rational decisions about their behaviour, even in the face of negative consequences.
http://www.albertafamilywellness.org/brain-development-addiction/different-kinds-addiction

finding a way to work through the numbness, to allow in the feelings, means overcoming addiction and you may need to seek support to do this effectively. 

being numb may feel good in the moment, in the short-term. but over time numbness takes over and becomes a natural way of being. but the truth is, there is nothing natural about being numb to the wonderous world in which we live. 

finding ways to numb yourself becomes habitual and can feel good. interesting ... the lack of feeling can feel good. but it is not a real feeling of goodness. it is false. 

if you are finding that you are numbing ... please seek support. feel free to email me and i will try to help you find support in your area. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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