Learning to be Second

somewhere in my childhood, i was taught that i was not first. 

i wasn't entitled to be first. wasn't worthy. was not deserving. 

someone taught me that i don't matter as much as everyone else. 

and i believed it. i have always been good at learning. i have always been good at paying attention to what i am being taught - to the overt and unspoken messages being given to me. 

for as long as i can remember, i have always put everyone else ahead of me - other people's needs in front of my needs. it doesn't matter if it is my partner, my friends, my family, my students, my colleagues, or even strangers. 

i have very few memories of feeling like i mattered. 

i never chose what game we were going to play, what movie we would watch, what we would have for dinner, where we would go, or any other "easy" decision that people make hundreds of throughout the day.

a pivotal moment in this process was my 9th birthday. that day has stuck with me for the last 30 years. 

my cousin CP is my best friend. she is 16 days older than me, so she has literally been in my life since birth. there were stretches of years where we were completely inseparable. we continue to be inseparable through the wonders of technology despite so many provinces separating us physically. 

for our 9th birthday, we celebrated at our Gram's house. We were given Barbie-style rockstar dolls. Mine had curly red hair and i thought it was the coolest most beautiful doll i had ever gotten. CP had a matching doll but it had blue hair. 

i was really excited about my doll. The red hair was beautiful. and i imagined the different stories that we were going to act out with our new dolls. 

we were also given plastic hoop earrings. CP got a pair of turquoise earrings and i got a pair of purple earrings. purple was (and still is!) my favourite colour. 

these gifts were awesome. i couldn't wait to put the earrings in and i took out the ones that i was wearing.

this next moment shaped my relationships for many years. not just with CP, but with everyone, and with everyone to come. 

i am not sure that much has really changed.

CP asked me to trade. 

she said that she liked the one with the red hair better. i didn't really like the blue-haired doll. it was the runner up. but i liked CP. i loved her. she was my best friend. and i was terrified that if i didn't do the trade, that she would be mad at me. disappointed me in. that maybe she wouldn't like me anymore. i was scared that i would be left alone with no friends. 

in that moment, i set up the pattern that would follow for the next 30 years. 

so many things went through my mind. i asked myself, did it matter that the blue doll was second best? did i deserve the better doll? was i worthy of keeping something that i liked. 

i loved CP more than i loved myself. 

it was mere seconds before i made my decision. and in that one decision, i gave away more than the doll; i gave away the idea that i was worthy of having something that i wanted. 

then it was time to put in our new earrings. i was ready to show off my new purple accessories and was happy that people knew that purple was my favourite colour. CP looked at my earrings, and then at her turquoise earrings and told me that purple was her favourite colour. and she asked if i would be willing to trade.   

of course i agreed. and i didn't simply give away the purple earrings, i gave away the last vestige of any self-mattering. 

i talked to CP before writing this post. because i know that she has sad feelings about that day. sad feelings about asking me to trade. 

i don't blame CP for the choices that i made that day. because that's what they were: choices. i could have said "no" if i hadn't learned that my wants and needs were secondary to everyone else's. i could have said "no" if someone hadn't taught me that it was more important to keep everyone else happy at my own expense. 

i was so scared that if i said "no" and kept my own things, that CP would no longer be my friend. that she would see me as selfish and mean and rude. so there wasn't ever really a question of whether or not i should do the trade. she asked, and my brain jumped to the thought of losing her a friend, so i said yes. 

over the last 30 years, i have given away so much. not only items but pieces of my very self. 

i always take the smaller piece of whatever food we are eating. i will also always take the burnt piece, or the piece of pie that fell apart, or the drink that is less bubbly. 

i tell myself that i don't care. that i don't need to choose what movie to watch because i don't care. i hate making decisions. 

but i do care. i care a lot. 

of course there are things that i like and things that i don't like. but my fear of being disliked, or being left, overrides my desire to have my way - my desire to make a choice. 

i don't want to make a decision for fear that that decision will lead to judgment and that that judgment will lead to being abandoned. 

it's odd to look back at that photo of my 9th birthday as our 39th birthday approaches us in a month. i remember being happy to be celebrating my birthday with my best friend. i remember how important it was that CP be my best friend. and i remember how scared i was that if i didn't give her what she wanted that she would stop being friends with me. and it was easier to give her my doll and my earrings that it was to take that risk. 

i didn't understand then that it in fact wasn't easy at all. 

it feels so much easier to say "i don't care" than it does to assert what i need or what i want. it is so much easier to let everyone else decide. it is so much easier to believe that i am not worthy of having what i want than it is to try to believe that i am deserving of anything at all. 

my feelings of self-worth haven't changed much in 30 years. 

i would rather help everyone else than help myself. i would rather give away what i have and end up in debt than be seen as selfish. i would rather drive back and forth across the city for someone else 3 times in one day than be seen as lazy. i would rather say yes when all i want to say is no, for fear of being disliked. 

my fear of judgement overrides my instinct for survival. 

i want to change. i want to learn that i matter. i want to learn that i am worthy and deserving. 

people tell me that i am. and i sometimes believe that they actually think they what they are saying is true. 

but what i want to learn, is how to believe it about myself. i want to learn how to believe that i am worthy of putting myself first. of making choices. of saying no when i want to. of learning to know WHAT i want, and expressing it to others. 

it's a process. one step forward and 73 steps backwards. at least, that's how it feels. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo