i was never the kind of person who reached out for support. i was the kind of person who tucked away my troubles and pretended to the world that everything was fine.
i was too busy taking care of everyone else and didn't have the time or energy to take care of myself. so i let my health go. i let my body go. i pushed all my emotions down inside of me and buried them tightly in the bottom of my heart, so that my heart became filled with hairline fractures. which are harder to mend than a deep single crack.
but over the past few years i have been seeking support and finding true friendships. and discovered that, as nosy nora says, we all need each other.
“A fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken. Fortunately, something else happens to you and me. Pick up your pieces. Then, help me gather mine.”
― Vera Nazarian
being able to reach out for support hasn't been easy for me. it made (makes) me feel weak, and needy, and clingy. it makes me feel like i am not strong enough to face up to the world. but i am discovering that people are there to pick up your pieces and help put you back together. no one is humpty dumpty. it doesn't take all the king's horses or all the king's men to mend a broken heart, or to support a friend. (on a side note, do you realize that there is nothing in the humpty dumpty poem that says he is an egg? where did that image come from? i looked it up and wikipedia has several theories but nothing proven. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpty_Dumpty) picking up the pieces isn't something that you need to do on your own. the world is full of supportive people who are there to help with the shards of your life.
“Support and encouragement are found in the most unlikely places.”
― Raquel Cepeda
what i have discovered through this process is that support can come from places you never expected. an online support group, for example, has been a place for me to share my stories with people who understand. and these strangers offer me strength and guidance in ways i never thought possible.
my emotional growth through this experience of writing a blog has been tantamount to a miracle. in a million years i never would have thought that his little blog would reach 25,000 page views. that strangers would email me to thank me for my writing. that friends would read my posts and tell me that they connect to my stories. being able to write about my life, my struggles, my heart ache, my successes, my happiness, my sadness, my weaknesses and my strengths ... being able to write about my life gives me strength. it makes me stronger to know that i am putting myself out there. even if it is anonymously published for my own protection - i'm not impervious to pain or embarrassment you know.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."”
― C.S. Lewis
i have also discovered that people have way more in common with each other than we first believe. we live with such shame and secrecy and privacy and the inability to share our stories. and it turns out that there are people in my life who have been on similar paths. and we can connect with each other and support each other in ways that no one else can.
“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
i learned through this process of wanting to take care of myself, that you have to ask for help. and when you do, you actually get it.
what what?
no, really. when you ask someone to help you, they actually do. when you reach out for support you actually get support. ok, not from everyone. some people are selfish assholes and you can't change that. they aren't worth your emotional energy. but most people? most people will give you the support that you need.
“There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
there are some stories that no one else can understand unless they have lived that truth. and those are the people whose support can surprise you. unless you share your stories, you'll never know that there are people out there who can relate ... who can commiserate ... who truly understand. knocking out a mountain troll doesn't have to be the only way that you make friendships. but sharing your truth is one way to be sure that those friendships are genuine and are built on truth and understanding.
i am so very lucky to have a fabulous partner who loves me, adores me, and supports me. i am appreciative and grateful for the people in my life who offer me friendship and support. i am fortunate to have a fantastic therapist with whom i can share my stories and my emotional tornadoes. i would list the people that i have gratitude for ... but i know that i would forget someone. so if you are someone that i have turned to for emotional support, or for a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or advice, or just a helping hand ... i thank you for being there. you know who you are.
and in closing ...
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
― Linda Grayson
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, 31 January 2015
Sunday, 21 September 2014
be kind to yourself
i end every blog post with "be kind to yourself" but what do i mean?
self love. self compassion. self kindness. these are difficult concepts. it is much easier to treat others with love, kindness, and compassion than it is to treat ourselves this way. but it is something that we must learn and must strive for.
“Do your thing and don't care if they like it.”
― Tina Fey
doing your thing and not caring who likes it is the ultimate love for yourself.
“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”
― Rita Mae Brown
conforming to what others (family, society, etc) expect of you is not self-love. it is in fact the opposite. it is crushing. you can't like yourself when you are not being your authentic self.
“Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.”
― Aberjhani
being able to treat yourself with kindness means believing that you are worth it. and that can be very challenging. believe me, i know. but being kind to yourself means not letting your inner critic win. you know, that voice in your head that tells you how stupid you are? what a loser you are? what stupid choices you've made? being kind to yourself means telling your inner critic to go fuck herself and telling yourself that you are okay. that you did okay. that no one is perfect.
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
― C.G. Jung
accepting yourself completely means treating yourself with compassion. it means creating a new inner voice. one that speaks with kindness and love about your imperfections.
“If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.”
― Victoria Moran
when you treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and love, you are telling the world that you matter. you are telling the world how you expect to be treated. and you are demanding respect. treating yourself this way is an act of defiance against a world that tells you not to put yourself first.
“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
― Steve Maraboli
but putting yourself first is acceptable. because in the end, you need yourself. as much as you need other people, you need to love yourself and this starts with the way that you treat yourself.
“Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head.”
― Victoria Moran
your inner critic, or what geneen roth calls The Voice, is loud. and she needs to be taken down a notch, or two, or ten. if you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all. self-kindness means speaking kindly to yourself even in your head. it means being gentle with yourself and forgiving yourself for things that you said or did.
“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”
― Brené Brown
owning your story leads to self-acceptance, which leads to self-love. telling your story is not the same as owning it. anyone can tell their story. but owning it is courageous. it means accepting your story and thus yourself. this only leads to self-love.
“She held herself until the sobs of the child inside subsided entirely. I love you, she told herself. It will all be okay.”
― H. Raven Rose
inside us is a small child who still views the world through a child's eyes. loving that child, and being gentle with that child leads to a gentleness with your adult self.
what does it look like to treat yourself with compassion and kindness? it looks like telling your inner critic to shut up and speaking to yourself gently. it looks like forgiving yourself. it means trusting yourself.
believing that you are not a mistake that needs to be fixed.
for example, after eating half a cheesecake and feeling like a complete and total loser, telling yourself gently that it's okay. that you ate a cheesecake. so what? tomorrow you wont eat a cheesecake. it looks like asking yourself why you needed to eat half a cheesecake? and accepting the answer.
or when you are speaking to your boss and you say something that leaves you feeling embarrassed. you could beat yourself up, or you could be gentle with yourself the way you would with your best friend ... imagine speaking to your best friend the way you speak to yourself!?!? you wouldn't have any friends anymore!
imagine speaking to yourself the way you speak to those you love. imagine how gentle and kind you would make yourself feel.
“Loving oneself
Is the most primal
Of all survival mechanisms”
― Karen Hackel
be kind to yourself,
and gentle, and compassionate,
xoxo
...
self love. self compassion. self kindness. these are difficult concepts. it is much easier to treat others with love, kindness, and compassion than it is to treat ourselves this way. but it is something that we must learn and must strive for.
“Do your thing and don't care if they like it.”
― Tina Fey
doing your thing and not caring who likes it is the ultimate love for yourself.
“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”
― Rita Mae Brown
conforming to what others (family, society, etc) expect of you is not self-love. it is in fact the opposite. it is crushing. you can't like yourself when you are not being your authentic self.
“Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.”
― Aberjhani
being able to treat yourself with kindness means believing that you are worth it. and that can be very challenging. believe me, i know. but being kind to yourself means not letting your inner critic win. you know, that voice in your head that tells you how stupid you are? what a loser you are? what stupid choices you've made? being kind to yourself means telling your inner critic to go fuck herself and telling yourself that you are okay. that you did okay. that no one is perfect.
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
― C.G. Jung
accepting yourself completely means treating yourself with compassion. it means creating a new inner voice. one that speaks with kindness and love about your imperfections.
“If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.”
― Victoria Moran
when you treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and love, you are telling the world that you matter. you are telling the world how you expect to be treated. and you are demanding respect. treating yourself this way is an act of defiance against a world that tells you not to put yourself first.
“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
― Steve Maraboli
but putting yourself first is acceptable. because in the end, you need yourself. as much as you need other people, you need to love yourself and this starts with the way that you treat yourself.
“Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head.”
― Victoria Moran
your inner critic, or what geneen roth calls The Voice, is loud. and she needs to be taken down a notch, or two, or ten. if you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all. self-kindness means speaking kindly to yourself even in your head. it means being gentle with yourself and forgiving yourself for things that you said or did.
“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”
― Brené Brown
owning your story leads to self-acceptance, which leads to self-love. telling your story is not the same as owning it. anyone can tell their story. but owning it is courageous. it means accepting your story and thus yourself. this only leads to self-love.
“She held herself until the sobs of the child inside subsided entirely. I love you, she told herself. It will all be okay.”
― H. Raven Rose
inside us is a small child who still views the world through a child's eyes. loving that child, and being gentle with that child leads to a gentleness with your adult self.
what does it look like to treat yourself with compassion and kindness? it looks like telling your inner critic to shut up and speaking to yourself gently. it looks like forgiving yourself. it means trusting yourself.
believing that you are not a mistake that needs to be fixed.
for example, after eating half a cheesecake and feeling like a complete and total loser, telling yourself gently that it's okay. that you ate a cheesecake. so what? tomorrow you wont eat a cheesecake. it looks like asking yourself why you needed to eat half a cheesecake? and accepting the answer.
or when you are speaking to your boss and you say something that leaves you feeling embarrassed. you could beat yourself up, or you could be gentle with yourself the way you would with your best friend ... imagine speaking to your best friend the way you speak to yourself!?!? you wouldn't have any friends anymore!
imagine speaking to yourself the way you speak to those you love. imagine how gentle and kind you would make yourself feel.
“Loving oneself
Is the most primal
Of all survival mechanisms”
― Karen Hackel
be kind to yourself,
and gentle, and compassionate,
xoxo
...
Friday, 19 September 2014
anniversary
yesterday was my ten year wedding anniversary. we went out to dinner and then went to see the musical wicked.
ten years. amazing. the time has gone by so quickly and at the same time it seems like forever - like there was no time that we weren't together.
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard
BB is my best friend. she knows all my faults and loves me in spite of them.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu
being together for the last 13 years has been a wild ride. we have had our ups and downs, our good times and bad times. we have lived the for better and for worse. and yet we have always had each other to turn to, to lean on, and to snuggle ... snuggles are important!
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
BB's happiness is essential to my happiness. i live to bring her joy. and i feel like she does the same.
here is the necklace that she gave me.
if you have been following my blog, you know what foxes mean to me. if you haven't, check out this post:
http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/foxes.html
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
― William Shakespeare
BB and i often sit in comfortable silence. we can enjoy each other's company and talk when we need to. and i often know what she is thinking when she gives me that loving smile. or that smile that says, let's go get movie popcorn.
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
― Robert Fulghum
what i love most about my marriage is our separateness. we each live our lives with our separate friends and our separate interests. we don't expect the other to join us for things that we don't want to do. she can go out dancing, and i can go to drumming lessons.
“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”
― Alfred Tennyson
BB and i met at choir and we still sing together. despite our separateness, we also have common interests and spend a great deal of time together.
“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”
― Plato
i love BB. i love her with all my heart. i hope that you have someone to love and someone to love you back.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
ten years. amazing. the time has gone by so quickly and at the same time it seems like forever - like there was no time that we weren't together.
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard
BB is my best friend. she knows all my faults and loves me in spite of them.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu
being together for the last 13 years has been a wild ride. we have had our ups and downs, our good times and bad times. we have lived the for better and for worse. and yet we have always had each other to turn to, to lean on, and to snuggle ... snuggles are important!
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
BB's happiness is essential to my happiness. i live to bring her joy. and i feel like she does the same.
here is the necklace that she gave me.
if you have been following my blog, you know what foxes mean to me. if you haven't, check out this post:
http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/foxes.html
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
― William Shakespeare
BB and i often sit in comfortable silence. we can enjoy each other's company and talk when we need to. and i often know what she is thinking when she gives me that loving smile. or that smile that says, let's go get movie popcorn.
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
― Robert Fulghum
what i love most about my marriage is our separateness. we each live our lives with our separate friends and our separate interests. we don't expect the other to join us for things that we don't want to do. she can go out dancing, and i can go to drumming lessons.
“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”
― Alfred Tennyson
BB and i met at choir and we still sing together. despite our separateness, we also have common interests and spend a great deal of time together.
“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”
― Plato
i love BB. i love her with all my heart. i hope that you have someone to love and someone to love you back.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Friday, 11 July 2014
what i learned from pokey sue
pokey sue is my acupuncturist. i hate acupuncture. i hate needles. but i love the feeling of being the centre of attention and care for an hour. and i love the balance i feel after treatment.
i wanted to write about the lessons i have learned from pokey sue over the last 3 years ...
1. you wouldn't eat garbage, so why would you listen to people who speak garbage? why would you take in their words? learn to separate the garbage from the healthy words and take in only those words that are good for you.
2. if you cut a quince and take out the seeds, and soak the seeds in water overnight, and then drink the goo that forms, it will coat your sore throat ... it also tastes like goo and makes you gag, but that's beside the point ... (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-quinces.html)
3. celery can be put in the blender, drained, and drunk, helping to lower your blood sugar. it also tastes like crap. which is surprising because i love celery. but i don't like it as a drink. as a drink it is very nasty.
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4. lemon trees are hard to grow. (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/02/pokey-sues-plant-predicament.html)
5. truth can set you free and break a million hearts at once.
6. willpower comes from hope. and when you lose hope, you lose your willpower.
7. focusing on the positives are important.
8. everyday, wake up and tell yourself that you are worthy and deserving.
9. there are people in this world who care so much about other people that they devote their career to caring for them - even if that means stabbing them with needles.
10. plants have similar reactions to lie detectors that humans do. plants have been shown to react to negative and positive stimuli.
11. stick tea shrinks cysts.
12. love is the most important emotion.
13. different parts of your body have different times that they are ... i dunno, active?
14. people come in and out of your life at different times to teach you things. some people can really touch your life without them even knowing it.
what lessons have you been taught?
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
i wanted to write about the lessons i have learned from pokey sue over the last 3 years ...
1. you wouldn't eat garbage, so why would you listen to people who speak garbage? why would you take in their words? learn to separate the garbage from the healthy words and take in only those words that are good for you.
2. if you cut a quince and take out the seeds, and soak the seeds in water overnight, and then drink the goo that forms, it will coat your sore throat ... it also tastes like goo and makes you gag, but that's beside the point ... (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-quinces.html)
3. celery can be put in the blender, drained, and drunk, helping to lower your blood sugar. it also tastes like crap. which is surprising because i love celery. but i don't like it as a drink. as a drink it is very nasty.
4. lemon trees are hard to grow. (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/02/pokey-sues-plant-predicament.html)
5. truth can set you free and break a million hearts at once.
6. willpower comes from hope. and when you lose hope, you lose your willpower.
7. focusing on the positives are important.
8. everyday, wake up and tell yourself that you are worthy and deserving.
9. there are people in this world who care so much about other people that they devote their career to caring for them - even if that means stabbing them with needles.
10. plants have similar reactions to lie detectors that humans do. plants have been shown to react to negative and positive stimuli.
11. stick tea shrinks cysts.
12. love is the most important emotion.
13. different parts of your body have different times that they are ... i dunno, active?
14. people come in and out of your life at different times to teach you things. some people can really touch your life without them even knowing it.
what lessons have you been taught?
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
death
death.
no one wants to talk about it. but the fact is, it's a part of our life.
this post might be hard for some people to read. because it is sad.
so i am giving you fair warning that it might bring up past experiences for you and you might want to stop reading now. i won't be offended or sad if you decide not to read this post. if you stop reading now, be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
― Mitch Albom
my friend asked me to blog about how to deal with death. frankly, i don't know. i have faced the deaths of dear friends, of students, of my grandmother, of aunts and uncles. and i will continue to experience death and loss because i love so deeply.
for awhile, i thought it would be easier not to love at all. if you don't love, you don't feel, and you don't lose.
“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling
but life is about loving. and i have a huge heart.
so what to write about ...
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
― Lemony Snicket
... loss. i experienced a loss today. someone that i care about very much emailed to say that they were going away and wouldn't be in my life anymore. although this was a healthcare practitioner, we have built a relationship over the last 3 years of seeing her weekly. she knows intimate details of my life. and i will miss her deeply.
... loss ... how do you talk to someone who is experiencing loss? is there a right way and a wrong way?
“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?”
― Jodi Picoult
first of all, don't say "it will be alright" because it wont. don't say "it was meant to be" because that\s just shitty. don't say "s/he's in a better place" because a better place would be here with their loved ones.
second, listen. no one experiencing loss needs advice. they need an ear, a shoulder, a friend. just listen. just be there. distract if they ask for distraction. make them laugh if they want to laugh. and let them cry if they want to cry. listen with compassion and an open mind.
“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.”
― Haruki Murakami
third, be willing to show empathy and to face the darkness that surrounds the loss. don't be afraid of that darkness. we all have faced it, or will. the darkness will not overcome you. don't be afraid of the grief the other person is experiencing. it won't hurt you. it may touch you, and it may be hard. so self-care is important. as nosy nora once told me, listen but don't hold onto it.
here are some tips from the american cancer society:
most of all, be there. loss and death are dark and scary and most of us don't know how to deal with it ourselves let alone with other people. but be there. because your friends and loved ones need you. and one day, they will remember what you did for them and will be there for you too.
“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
a space
and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times
we will know it
we will know it
more than
ever
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and
we will wait
and
wait
in that space.”
― Charles Bukowski
be kind to yourself, and each other,
xoxo
...
no one wants to talk about it. but the fact is, it's a part of our life.
this post might be hard for some people to read. because it is sad.
so i am giving you fair warning that it might bring up past experiences for you and you might want to stop reading now. i won't be offended or sad if you decide not to read this post. if you stop reading now, be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
― Mitch Albom
my friend asked me to blog about how to deal with death. frankly, i don't know. i have faced the deaths of dear friends, of students, of my grandmother, of aunts and uncles. and i will continue to experience death and loss because i love so deeply.
for awhile, i thought it would be easier not to love at all. if you don't love, you don't feel, and you don't lose.
“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling
but life is about loving. and i have a huge heart.
so what to write about ...
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
― Lemony Snicket
... loss. i experienced a loss today. someone that i care about very much emailed to say that they were going away and wouldn't be in my life anymore. although this was a healthcare practitioner, we have built a relationship over the last 3 years of seeing her weekly. she knows intimate details of my life. and i will miss her deeply.
... loss ... how do you talk to someone who is experiencing loss? is there a right way and a wrong way?
“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?”
― Jodi Picoult
first of all, don't say "it will be alright" because it wont. don't say "it was meant to be" because that\s just shitty. don't say "s/he's in a better place" because a better place would be here with their loved ones.
Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved
- "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
- "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
- "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
- "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
- "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
- Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."
Source: American Hospice Foundation
second, listen. no one experiencing loss needs advice. they need an ear, a shoulder, a friend. just listen. just be there. distract if they ask for distraction. make them laugh if they want to laugh. and let them cry if they want to cry. listen with compassion and an open mind.
“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.”
― Haruki Murakami
third, be willing to show empathy and to face the darkness that surrounds the loss. don't be afraid of that darkness. we all have faced it, or will. the darkness will not overcome you. don't be afraid of the grief the other person is experiencing. it won't hurt you. it may touch you, and it may be hard. so self-care is important. as nosy nora once told me, listen but don't hold onto it.
here are some tips from the american cancer society:
What to say to someone who has lost a loved one
It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.
- Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
- Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
- Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
- Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
- Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
Source: American Cancer Society
most of all, be there. loss and death are dark and scary and most of us don't know how to deal with it ourselves let alone with other people. but be there. because your friends and loved ones need you. and one day, they will remember what you did for them and will be there for you too.
“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
a space
and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times
we will know it
we will know it
more than
ever
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and
we will wait
and
wait
in that space.”
― Charles Bukowski
be kind to yourself, and each other,
xoxo
...
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
april
i want to write about april.
april is my pseudonym, but the name comes from a real person. from a young and vibrant woman whom i loved very much.
april could get me to do things that i would never do on my own. things that wouldn't occur to me. this photo was taken at a volunteer appreciation picnic for the sexual assault centre where we both volunteered.
at the picnic, april decided that she wanted to go swimming. we were by the otonabee river, near the water treatment centre. not the cleanest place to swim. there were rumours about how polluted and gross the water was.
but april liked to jump first and look later. and she wanted to swim. she convinced a group of us to go skinny dipping. *shaking my head* i had never done that before and have never done it since. but there i was, 20 years old being dragged skinny dipping with a group of women into the otonabee river.
sometimes april's impulsive decision making scared me. like the time she wanted to jump off a bridge into a river without checking the water to see how deep it was, or if there were any rocks. however, she taught me to let go of many of my fears and to take risks.
april was a force to be reckoned with. there was no stopping her. she was a community organizer at 16. she was amazing.
we worked on a couple of committees together and attended endless meetings. we joined a "lesbian talking group" together where everyone thought we were a couple.
she moved away for a year to work in jasper. she came home so happy. so full of life. so loving. so glad to be with family and friends. she showed up at my house in a yellow sarong ... and nothing else. that's the kind of thing she did: ride the bus with no shoes (or underwear) for no reason other than she felt like it. for no reason other than that she could. she was so beautiful that day. we talked for hours and caught up on each other's lives and crushes.
a week later, we ran into each other in a parking lot. we were on opposite fundraising shifts for the ywca. she was just about to get a ride home and i had just arrived. she was literally bouncing with glee. she was wearing purple cotton overalls and jumping up and down and the last words she ever said to me were "i have so much to tell you!" and she bounced away into the parking lot ...
she was 18 years old.
... a few days later, she was staying over at a friend's house and she and her friends fell asleep leaving a candle burning.
the house caught fire.
she and her friends got out. as did the family who lived in the downstairs apartment. unfortunately, april and her friends thought that there was still someone inside. there wasn't. but they didn't know that, so all 3 went back into the burning building to rescue their friend (their friend who wasn't even there ... jump first, look later ... give ... take care of everyone ... these were april's traits ...). a beam fell and one of them had to turn around and get out. she survived.
april and her other friend were trapped. and both of them died.
april's loss hit me hard. after losing my friend gigi only a few years earlier, i wasn't ready to endure the loss of someone i loved.
the difference for me this time was that i was surrounded by a community of women who were also affected by her loss. and we supported each other.
i turned to my writing. i wrote many poems, journal entries, and songs for and about april. i was also taking a theatre course that year. so i wrote and performed a one woman show about the loss and my grieving, using dance, song, and masks. it was incredibly cathartic.
i still miss april. she was an incredible young woman who touched my life in many ways. she taught me that it's okay to jump.
i look first,
but i can jump.
she taught me how to love with an open heart. she taught me to LIVE life, not to just let it pass you by.
here is my song for april:
you always asked me to sing for you
you always wanted a song
i knew that one day i would write one for you
i just want this to be your song
i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song
i remember the way you looked the day you came home
your arms around me, at home
oh, how you had grown
i'll never forget your yellow sarong
and how you looked when you put it on
that day you wore purple and said
"i've so much to tell you"
and then you were gone ...
i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
april is my pseudonym, but the name comes from a real person. from a young and vibrant woman whom i loved very much.
april could get me to do things that i would never do on my own. things that wouldn't occur to me. this photo was taken at a volunteer appreciation picnic for the sexual assault centre where we both volunteered.
at the picnic, april decided that she wanted to go swimming. we were by the otonabee river, near the water treatment centre. not the cleanest place to swim. there were rumours about how polluted and gross the water was.
but april liked to jump first and look later. and she wanted to swim. she convinced a group of us to go skinny dipping. *shaking my head* i had never done that before and have never done it since. but there i was, 20 years old being dragged skinny dipping with a group of women into the otonabee river.
sometimes april's impulsive decision making scared me. like the time she wanted to jump off a bridge into a river without checking the water to see how deep it was, or if there were any rocks. however, she taught me to let go of many of my fears and to take risks.
april was a force to be reckoned with. there was no stopping her. she was a community organizer at 16. she was amazing.
we worked on a couple of committees together and attended endless meetings. we joined a "lesbian talking group" together where everyone thought we were a couple.
she moved away for a year to work in jasper. she came home so happy. so full of life. so loving. so glad to be with family and friends. she showed up at my house in a yellow sarong ... and nothing else. that's the kind of thing she did: ride the bus with no shoes (or underwear) for no reason other than she felt like it. for no reason other than that she could. she was so beautiful that day. we talked for hours and caught up on each other's lives and crushes.
a week later, we ran into each other in a parking lot. we were on opposite fundraising shifts for the ywca. she was just about to get a ride home and i had just arrived. she was literally bouncing with glee. she was wearing purple cotton overalls and jumping up and down and the last words she ever said to me were "i have so much to tell you!" and she bounced away into the parking lot ...
she was 18 years old.
... a few days later, she was staying over at a friend's house and she and her friends fell asleep leaving a candle burning.
the house caught fire.
she and her friends got out. as did the family who lived in the downstairs apartment. unfortunately, april and her friends thought that there was still someone inside. there wasn't. but they didn't know that, so all 3 went back into the burning building to rescue their friend (their friend who wasn't even there ... jump first, look later ... give ... take care of everyone ... these were april's traits ...). a beam fell and one of them had to turn around and get out. she survived.
april and her other friend were trapped. and both of them died.
april's loss hit me hard. after losing my friend gigi only a few years earlier, i wasn't ready to endure the loss of someone i loved.
the difference for me this time was that i was surrounded by a community of women who were also affected by her loss. and we supported each other.
i turned to my writing. i wrote many poems, journal entries, and songs for and about april. i was also taking a theatre course that year. so i wrote and performed a one woman show about the loss and my grieving, using dance, song, and masks. it was incredibly cathartic.
i still miss april. she was an incredible young woman who touched my life in many ways. she taught me that it's okay to jump.
i look first,
but i can jump.
she taught me how to love with an open heart. she taught me to LIVE life, not to just let it pass you by.
here is my song for april:
you always asked me to sing for you
you always wanted a song
i knew that one day i would write one for you
i just want this to be your song
i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song
i remember the way you looked the day you came home
your arms around me, at home
oh, how you had grown
i'll never forget your yellow sarong
and how you looked when you put it on
that day you wore purple and said
"i've so much to tell you"
and then you were gone ...
i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Let there be love ( revised ) ...
this weekend as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs reminded me that i wrote about it and how... i was moved to become very introspective.
we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason this weekend it really hit home ... for the second time ...
"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth
i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...
"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth
i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.
"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last year, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.
"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth
There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or the course that we are taking, or the hoops we are jumping through, or the interviews and home visits and references ...
i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.
"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the ways"
- Dawn Lanstroth
people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could do so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....
"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time. i am trying to let go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way. i am trying really hard.
"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth
this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2014. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.
and so i am trying to believe.
i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.
i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.
i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.
be kind to yourself
xoxo
Anne Murray - Let There Be Love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ
...
we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason this weekend it really hit home ... for the second time ...
"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth
i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...
"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth
i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.
"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last year, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.
"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth
There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or the course that we are taking, or the hoops we are jumping through, or the interviews and home visits and references ...
i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.
"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the ways"
- Dawn Lanstroth
people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could do so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....
"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time. i am trying to let go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way. i am trying really hard.
"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth
this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2014. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.
and so i am trying to believe.
i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.
i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.
i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.
be kind to yourself
xoxo
Anne Murray - Let There Be Love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ
...
Sunday, 15 June 2014
adoption
“Because now I know what I have been waiting for. I know exactly why the other processes didn't work. I know I was supposed to wait for this little girl.” ― Nia Vardalos
Adoption: the legal transfer of parental rights and obligations from birth
parents to adoptive parents.
Dear readers,
DP and I are in the adoption screening process. I call
it a process, but a better word might be interrogation … ordeal … trial …
tribulation … inquiry … tribunal …
“There are times when the adoption process is exhausting and painful and makes you want to scream. But, I am told, so does childbirth.” ― Scott Simon
The process to become declared “adoption ready” is
long,
invasive,
emotional,
intense,
and a lot of work.
It begins with
paperwork.
Piles and piles of paperwork.
Questionnaires about our lives, and
personal habits, and our relationship.
Intrusive questions.
Then there is the course. Parenting Resource
Information Development and Education (PRIDE). 3 hours a week for 9 weeks. With
topics like abuse and neglect and the effects on children. With homework each
week that is evaluated by the instructors and then sent to the social worker
who is doing the safe home study.
The safe home study.
“Despite the reams of paperwork, obstacles worthy of a horse show, and a wait that can rival an elephant's gestation, adoption feels no different on the inside.” ― Scott Simon
A social worker comes to your home and asks you a
million questions to get to know you. And needs copies of everything you can
think of from your birth certificate, to your taxes, to your life, car, and
home insurance policies. This is followed by 3 or 4 more interviews by the
social worker who wants to know everything about your life. And finishes up with
an inspection of your house looking for things like working smoke detectors,
carbon monoxide detectors, and a fire extinguisher. As well as things like
furniture secured to the wall and a map of all the fire escape plans for each
floor of your house.
And that is just the logistics of the process.
“Even though you weren't born to us, you grew in our hearts. We will be forever connected because love is what makes a family.” ― Deanna Kahler
What goes through your mind while you jump through
hoop after hoop is wtf? You think about all those children out there, born to
parents who don’t want them, who neglect and abuse them, who mistreat them, and
who don’t cherish every moment with them. And you think about how unfair it is
that those “parents” were able to just get pregnant and have children and not
care for them and we have to go through all of this to get on a list.
So how do I get up every morning and do the next step?
Jump through the next hoop? How do I sit through 3 hours of a course I resent
having to take?
“Anyone who ever wondered how much they could love a child who did not spring from their own loins, know this: it is the same. The feeling of love is so profound, it's incredible and surprising.” ― Nia Vardalos
How do i keep my hope alive?
I think about the fact that out there in the world
right now, somewhere in this city, there is a baby … my baby … s/he was born to
parents who are not his/hers. s/he is in care, in a foster home, waiting for us
to find her/him. Our baby is out there, and every night I think about our baby
and wonder what her/his favourite toy is, and what song s/he likes to be sung. What
does s/he like to eat? And I send warm,
loving thoughts, out into the universe to find their way to our baby who we are
waiting for.
out there is the baby that will make me a mother. maybe i am already a mother to him/her. i already love her/him ... s/he just hasn't met us yet.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
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