changes

so i was beginning to think that over the last 2 years i haven't really made any changes. that i trudge along throughout my day and do the same things, behave the same way, react the same way ... i felt like i was a caterpillar stuck at that stage of my life, in a cocoon unable to grow wings. 

... nosy nora asked me if i noticed any changes and i said not really. then she listed the changes ...

... i am no longer addicted to nortriptyline or what nosy nora and i call "the yellow pills." i don't take them. i don't obsess over them. 

... i no longer abuse sedatives. i don't crave them. i don't think about them and long for them. 

... i say "no" more often. and i am aware of doing things that i don't want to do, and at times i don't do them. AG reminds me that i am an adult and i don't have to do anything i don't want to do. 

... i no longer binge. if i start to binge, i am able to stop myself in the moment and question why i am bingeing. and i am able to stop the cycle. 

... i no longer purge. even when i really, really have the urge to throw up, i have strategies and coping skills that i didn't have before. 

... i am able to feel my feelings and am no longer numb to my emotions. 

those are some pretty major changes. and here i thought i wasn't doing the work to change my life. i still have many more things that i want to work on. i am still struggling with depression and anxiety. but in the grand scheme of things, i am doing pretty damn well. so maybe i am a butterfly now. 

think about your life over the last few years. what changes have you made?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

an open letter to Sue Monk Kidd

Dear Sue Monk Kidd,

The universe is a mysterious wonder. My name is April and I am experiencing my own mid-life turning point; the point at which I can no longer sit idly while my life is lived without me as an active participant.

I write a blog and had been writing about how I am in a state of emotional diapauses, and using the images of cocoons and butterflies and the idea of my internal metamorphosis. My friend was taking a course and met a woman who recommended reading When the Heart Waits. She read it and was amazed at how similar your story was to what was going on in my own life.

She loaned me her book and I began to read it. And with each page turn I felt more and more connected to you. The images of butterflies, the symbol of the cocoon and how similar it is to my own inner journey … each page drew me closer.

I know that I must sound like a total nut. And I am sure that there are thousands of people who write to you and tell you that your words spoke to them. 

Today I read the story about when a bird flew into your window. When I was 10, a bird flew into our window. My teacher got the bird and put it in a shoe box until it was ready to fly again. He spoke to me about waiting and healing. He taught me that sometimes we have to just wait for something to happen, and although we may not have patience, that it was okay to not have things happen right away. That things like healing take time. 

Rather than continue to tell you about this strong connection I feel to your writing, I would like to share with you a story about another symbol of mine which is foxes. They seem to appear to me at important times in my life.

recently i have been dealing with what radical t calls "the childhood event." and as i work my way through this event, and my shame around it, i often wonder if i am just crazy, or if it was really my fault, or if i made the whole thing up in the first place. 

so i decided to take a leap of faith, an impulsive one actually, and i emailed one of the people who was around during "the childhood event" and i asked some questions that i needed answers to. 

i wasn't expecting a response. but i got one. 

i spoke my truth. and i was validated. and heard. and the validation made my wings grow a little bit. 

i feel lighter this morning. i feel unburdened. 

when i first met nosy nora (my therapist), she used to say that it was like someone else was living my life; like i wasn't participating in my own life. i feel like it is MY life now. 

sharing my story, speaking my truth, is freeing me from the heaviness that i carry around. 

so i decided that i wanted to share another story with you. another truth. because speaking my story makes me strong each day. 

this time it is about foxes. 

The summer I was 17, I was dating a woman who was 21. It was new and exciting and confusing. I was in the woods writing in my journal and thinking about my life and feeling confused. And I looked up and there was a fox staring at me. And I just knew that it was going to be ok.

Then in grade 12, I was on the bus going to school and I was thinking about school and feeling confused and unsure about my education choices and if I should think about changing high schools ... and a fox trotted down Bloor street! And again, I just knew.

There were a few other significant sightings over those few years. But the most significant was in relation to my best friend Gigi (who this blog is named after).

I was at her house and I told Gigi about the importance of foxes in my life. She teased me and said that squirrels were her special animal because she sees them all the time. I went home and as I walked in the door, the phone was ringing. It was Gigi. She said there was a fox in her backyard with a squirrel in its mouth.

We laughed and laughed.

And 2 days later, Gigi died.

A week after her death, I was at her house in her sister's room. Her Dad was in Gigi's room and he suddenly called out "hey, have you ever seen a fox?" Her sister knew the fox story so we looked at each other and our jaws dropped. We ran to the bedroom and her mom joined us there.

The 4 of us stood at the window, crying, holding each other and watching this fox who just sat in the yard staring back at us.

It was moving and healing and there are no words to describe it.

i continue to see foxes at significant moments in my life. most recently i saw a fully intact dead fox on the side of the road. i cried and cried and CRIED. and i emailed Gigi's sister and told her about it. her response was touching:

Maybe the penetrating gaze of that intact dead fox on the driver's side on the highway yesterday, was a mirror to you: not a message that doom and gloom awaits you, but that it's time for your soul to finally rise up from the damaged (metaphorical) carcass that houses it and become the most fully alive, most vibrant and whole vibrational entity that it can be. It's your time to become whole, April, that's what the dead fox symbolizes for me.

i like to think that she is right. that in order for me to morph into a butterfly from this diapause state that i am in, to become the most vibrant and whole entity that i can be, i need to continue to tell my story, to speak my truth, and to heal. 

I wanted to thank you for your book, for your wisdom, and for this strong connection that I feel with you because of our similar stories.

Thank you,

Yours Truly,

April

butterflies, moths, and skippers.

today i read, "growth is painful. change is painful. but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."

i don't feel stuck these days. i feel like i am learning to fly. 

as i am learning to fly, i wanted to go back to my butterfly metaphor ... but then i decided that i wanted to write about moths. i think they get a bad rap. 

what's the difference between a moth and a butterfly anyway? they are of the same species, they both go through complete metamorphosis, the are both winged creatures. but for some reason, butterflies are beautiful and moths are pests. 

there are differences between them, and for each difference there is often an exception. 

basic differences:

• moths are nocturnal, butterflies are not (except for the moths that are not)
• moths tend to rest with their wings open and butterflies rest with their wings up (unless they are sunning)
• butterfly antennae are wider at the tips and moth's are feathery. 
• butterflies have more colourful wings ... usually

and if that wasn't complicated enough, there is another category of butterfly moths called skippers. skippers have the traits of both. they fly during the day, have antenna like a butterfly, have the colouring and fuzzy body of a moth, but hold their wings differently than both; they hold their forewings separately from their hindwings. 

i have decided that i am a skipper - neither moth nor butterfly, spreading my wings at my own angle, not fitting neatly into one category or the other.

i am a skipper, learning to fly, practicing holding my wings. 

“Be different so that people can see you clearly amongst the crowds.” 
― Mehmet Murat ildan

i am different. i am different in that i am unique. and i am unique in that i am the same as everyone else. i think i stopped making sense there ... we are all human. we all have the same emotions. the same instincts. the same drives. i fit neatly into many a textbook description. but my sameness makes me who i am, and who i am is me. and there is only one of me. 

are you a butterfly, a moth, or a skipper? 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

i want

                                 i want. 

i want ...

blue skies, warm weather, sunshine, and butterflies.

i want ...

self-confidence, comfort in my skin, the carefree feelings i had as a child when i would run shirtless in the park with my friends. 

i want ...

to feel good. to feel happy. to feel warm, and loved, and comforted. to feel compassion towards myself. to feel empathy for the little girl inside me who didn't get what she needed. 

i want ...

good things to happen to my friends who are experiencing stress, hardships, health issues, work issues, and overwhelming experiences. 

i want ...

good things to happen to me. 

i want ...

to grow and change and become the person i know is inside of me wanting to get out. to become a butterfly. 

i want. 

i want ...

the over 300 girls kidnapped in nigeria to be returned safely to their families. 

the 1000s of missing first nations women in canada to be returned safely to their families. 

religion to stop being used as an excuse to hurt, to harm, to cause suffering of others. 

i want ...

to be happy. 

                                                  i want. 

i want ...
you to be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Maslow

"In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety." - Maslow

i feel like i spend my moments stepping forwards and then backwards again, afraid of change. afraid of becoming a butterfly. i think i am the hungry caterpillar content to munch my way through all the leaves and fruit not worrying about when to spin my cocoon. like i went into a cocoon and came out still a caterpillar. 

stepping into growth is scary. terrifying in fact. and no one can do it alone. nosy nora says we all need each other. it's hard to accept that need sometimes. hard to accept that i'm not superwoman.

dr g. said that moods are like the stock market. that there are ups and downs and sometimes little blips. and that you have to look at the overall ongoing mood - rather than focusing on the downward blips. but man it's hard when you're in the middle of a blip. 

choosing to step into growth while in a downward blip is rather tricky. the step back into safety feels better - even when that safety feels bad. growth and change means stepping into the unknown and that is uncomfortable. 

you can also look at moods in relation to maslow's hierarchy of needs: this five stage model can be seen in the pyramid below. regardless of all the criticism of his theory, i think that it is important to look at the ways in which needs affect your ability to function. worrying about self-esteem and self-actualization when you don't have enough food to eat, or shelter ... well that seems rather difficult. 

"Any thwarting or possibility of thwarting of these basic human goals, or danger to the defenses which protect them, or to the conditions upon which they rest, is considered to be a psychological threat." - Maslow

you can't self actualize when you're working on esteem. and you can't meet your need for love if you are busy meeting your need for basic necessities like food and shelter. 

"Human needs arrange themselves in hierarchies of pre-potency. That is to say, the appearance of one need usually rests on the prior satisfaction of another, more pre-potent need. Man is a perpetually wanting animal. Also no need or drive can be treated as if it were isolated or discrete; every drive is related to the state of satisfaction or dissatisfaction of other drives." - Maslow

so lets think about moods like the pyramid too, with different levels of contentness and enoughness. 

in the case of my moods, the necessities like getting out of bed, eating breakfast, and going to work every day affect my ability to reach a higher level on the mood pyramid. this cymbalta chart is sort of what i am referring to. one day i will figure out how to create and insert my own drawings into my blog. in the meanwhile, this will have to do. 

being stuck in melancholy makes daily tasks a challenge. it makes thinking about life a challenge. unlike maslow's pyramid, the top of the mood pyramid also poses challenges and risks. ecstasy and mania make it difficult to make good choices because you feel invincible. 

now let's look at moods like the stock market like dr. g suggested. 

moods go up and down, and are often affected by external circumstances. the overall trend is what we need to be looking at when it comes to mood. 

how are your moods? have you ever kept a chart? do you pay attention to what brings you ups and downs? try it. and let me know how it goes. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

butterfly wings

my blog is doing better than i ever expected. 

Pageviews today

69

Pageviews yesterday

56

Pageviews all time history

11,046

those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people. 

today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me. 

how will i know?  

“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.” 

― Haruki Murakami

in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.

maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature. 

change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...

 in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before  i try to fly.

going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be. 

that was complicated ... 

going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself. 

as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.

sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply. 

i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

(dis)comfort

comfort: the familiar, what i know, routine, driving the same route every day, my couch, a blanket, anne of green gables ...

discomfort: change, telling people how i feel, taking care of myself, putting my needs first ...

comfort zone: a space of being in which risks are not taken, and anxiety is low ... 

i have been stepping out of my comfort zone over the last year; allowing myself to FEEL, to connect, to find a sense of belonging, and to BE. i thought that i was content to be numb and guarded, keeping my stories and my truths to mySelf. but as AG likes to say, "and how is that working for you?" i wasn't happy. i wasn't healthy. and i was stuck. 

stepping out of my comfort zone means finding comfort in other ways - in safer, healthier ways. it means allowing the discomfort of trying something new. 

there is a (dis)comfort involved in the newness of owning my stories, of speaking my truth, of opening up, of telling people how i feel, or writing this candid blog ...  there is the freeing feeling of owning my story and telling it. there is the terrifying feeling of not knowing how my story will be received. 

i was stuck as a caterpillar before. munching away on the same leaves, day in and day out, afraid to spin my chrysalis. afraid of the (dis)comfort of both sameness and of change. 

now ... i can feel my wings growing ... little itty bitty wings, making their way out of me with each change that i make in my life. growing stronger with each story and truth that i own and tell. 

try a bit of discomfort, and be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Your life under a microscope

lately i have been obsessed with butterflies. this means that i notice them wherever i go. it also means that people point out butterflies to me when they see them. (See these previous posts re: butterflies: click here, click here, click here, click here)

http://distractify.com/geek/butterflies-are-natures-gems-but-wait-until-you-see-what-their-wings-look-like-under-a-microscope/

today, SC sent me these photos of butterfly wings seen under a microscope. they are really cool. so i decided to share them here with my readers. aren't they gorgeous? i love science! 

the photos made me think about how my life has been under a microscope lately. visiting with various doctors and specialists, my regular therapy appointments, debriefing all these appointments with my friends, and even writing this blog ... 

... each part of my life is being questioned, discussed, examined. 

i spend a great deal of time in my head, thinking about every little thing that has happened to me. looking at the tiny details. exploring what those details mean. while it is important, and enlightening ...

... it can feel very exposing to have your life under a microscope. each doctor wants to know the details. each doctor asks hard questions. questions that, through therapy, i have answers for, but don't know if i want to share these answers with a stranger. and other answers, i don't have yet and maybe never will. 

each day i am faced with another memory from my life. another mean thing that was said to me. another mean thing that was done to me. another way that i was hurt, and wounded. another scar that i thought had healed. each day i examine my life under a microscope. 

it's time to see the big picture ... to step back from examining every detail of your life. 

my life is actually pretty awesome. i have a great job that i love. i have a fabulous partner, SC,  who loves me as deeply as i love her. i have an incredible group of friends who are actually there for me, in ways that i have never experienced before. i have people who care about me, and worry about me, and want me to be well and successful and happy. i have nosy nora in my corner, having my back. i have all those people loving me. i have a house to live in, food to eat, and i am relatively healthy. 

depression and anxiety makes life feel challening. childhood events, memories, trauma ... they make life difficult as well. and those experiences are real, and hard. and at the same time, there are many things in my life right now that are wonderful.

find ways to "get out of your head" as AG likes to tell me. nosy nora says watch a funny show like "modern family." or, you could read a book, go for a walk, play games with friends, go for a coffee date, write, sing, play, talk, nap, and give yourself a break from the hard stuff. take time to enjoy the NOW stuff. 

be kind to yourself,

ps ... tee hee hee ... a funny for your day ...

xoxo

...

fighting your shadow

sciamachy: a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow. (SKEE-ah-mahk-ee)

www.cronicadodia.com.br 

i often find that the demons that i battle are within myself. i am my worst enemy when i should be my greatest ally and my best friend. it's hard to convince myself that i am important enough to defend and protect the way that i would defend and protect a friend. 

sciamachy also means fake fighting, play fighting, as in for practice or for exercise. but i like the idea of fighting your shadow and the imagery that goes along with that. 

panneverland.blogspot.com

peter pan had to fight his shadow, to reattach himself. and he needed help from wendy. i think we all need a wendy; a mother figure or momstitute to reattach our shadows so that we stop thinking of them as a separate entity and we stop fighting ourselves. we need to learn to embrace our shadows. 

Sue Monk Kidd wrote about how symbols find their way into our lives and give deeper meaning to our inner struggle:

"participating with symbols allows their deeper meaning to wrap around us and penetrate us. Through them, what is lost and unutterable inside us becomes real and accessible. 'as the mind explores the symbol it is led to ideas that lie beyond the grasp of reason.' wrote Jung."

ideas beyond the grasp of reason. Jung also wrote: 

"What we call a symbol is a term, a name, or even a picture that may be familiar in daily life, yet that possesses specific connotations in addition toits conventional and obvious meaning. It implies something vague, unknown, or hidden from us." 

hidden meaning in everyday images. i could ignore the symbols that present themselves repeatedly to me. or i could claim these symbols as my own. for me the repetitive symbols have been foxes, butterflies, and, more recently, the image of a mother hen. 

 

today nosy nora found me a new symbol ... as i was driving to my appointment today, the engine light came on in the car and it started to be jerky and jumpy. when i got to the parking lot, the car wouldn't go in reverse. i worked very hard on not having a meltdown. 

nosy nora said that the car could be a symbol for my life ... "only forward from now on; no going backwards."

jackiejonesfiction.com

in going forward, i am finding friends who are kind and compassionate and who hear my story without trying to change me or fix me. in going forward, i am giving my inner child the time she needs to tell her own story, and to heal. 

going forward means not returning to familiar patterns without noticing the return and questioning the patterns. my shadows that i battle use food in place of feeling my emotions. 

for example, last night i turned to chocolate mini eggs as i panicked over what i determined was a crisis. once i identified the crisis with the help of AG, i was able to stop eating the chocolate. it didn't even taste good. and i didn't want it anymore. thank you AG for giving me the questions to ask myself. 

AG said to me: "just remind yourself: 'i'm feeling some emotions. i'm not sure what they are but i feel overwhelmed so i'm eating to cope. and that's ok.' eventually you will stop eating."

shortly after my mini-binge, i received an email newsletter from geneen roth about binge eating. coincidence or the universe sending me a message? in the newsletter she wrote: 

"since binges are a way to give yourself something, let yourself receive it. the positive by-product of this awareness is that compulsion and mindfulness cannot coexist. Once you become aware of what you are doing, it is harder to continue with the same momentum."

instead of fighting my shadow, i need to embrace it. taste the food that i am eating. ask myself why i need that comfort. slow down and give myself the comfort through tasting and enjoying the taste of the food. 

going forward doesn't mean you don't encounter familiar scenery and familiar landmarks. it means you know how to get through the storms of life while traveling your path, because the familiarity of the past gives you knowledge instead of fear. identifying WHAT you are doing and paying attention to WHAT you are doing stops the trance of it. being mindful of eating the chocolate mini-eggs, tasting their overly-sweet flavour, slowed down the munching until i no longer wanted to eat them. 

going forward doesn't mean never diverging from your path. it means knowing which way you are headed and not turning around to go back from whence you came. 

may you go forward in your life and, as always, remember: 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...