unexpected

things don't always go as planned. 

i am a planner. i think things through. i am prepared. i am organized. 

yesterday i was supposed to see a movie and instead ended up with a flat tire. 

today i imagined (worried and stressed about) that i planned to spend the entire day waiting for my tire to get fixed and the mechanic ended up fixing it within an hour. 

nosy nora suggested that i spend my time worrying about things in place of other things. as in, i worry about my car getting a flat tire instead of worrying about important and reasonable things. instead of admitting to myself what i am actually worrying about. i fill my brain with worries that are slightly ridiculous, or at least unimportant. 

today, for example, while talking to nosy nora i was completely distracted thinking about where i parked my car. why? because i had to go in a different entrance and parked in a different spot and was completely convinced that i wasn't going to be able to find my way back and if and when i did find my way back to the car i wasn't going to be able to find my way out of the parking lot. so as we were talking, i kept picturing myself driving around the underground garage in circles for an hour trying to find the exit. 

dude. there are signs that say "exit" and have arrows. and the lot isn't that big. 

but i was totally distracted and my heart was racing. 

so back to my flat tire. i lost it and had a total and complete meltdown over the tire. it was ridiculous. i couldn't stop crying. over a tire. nosy nora says, "it's just a car." and intellectually i know that. but one of my biggest anxieties is about something happening to my car. so getting a flat tire did me in. i just stood there on the side of the road crying and couldn't stop.

it was so embarrassing. 

so the question becomes, what was i really crying about? was it my car? was it my tire? or was that just the tipping point in my stressful life? 

what does my anxiety cover up? what space does it replace in my brain. 

in case you're wondering, my uncle came and changed my tire to the spare. my aunt made me sugary tea and gave me a long hug. we drove home on the highway very slowly and then i took the car in this morning to the mechanic. the rim was bent and apparently that makes the tire leak. totally don't get it. but i don't need to. that's what mechanics and uncles are for. 

another major anxiety of mine is the dentist. i'm terrified that i will go to the dentist, and s/he will clean my teeth and my front tooth will fall out. 

crazy. 

i know i'm crazy. 

i think about it all the time. i am completely convinced that my front tooth is going to fall out. which if i don't get myself to a dentist could actually happen. but i'm too scared to go to the dentist. 

PP says that if my tooth falls out at the dentist i would have all sorts of blog stories to tell ... 

... 

things don't always go the way you expect them to. you can't plan for everything. you can't always be prepared. 

my car has a spare tire, jack, and wrench. i worry about flat tires all the time. i was completely prepared to have a flat and had a way to deal with it. i also have CAA (that's like AAA if you're reading this from the states. it's a car service if you're reading this from another country). but i wasn't emotionally prepared for the flat tire. it was completely unexpected. 

if we spend our time preparing for the worst, we won't be able to enjoy our lives. you can't plan life. life unfolds. you can't control anything that happens to you or what other people do, think, or feel. the only thing you can control is your reaction to the unexpected. or in my case, the reaction to the reaction. 

i need to forgive myself for sobbing about a flat tire. i need to forgive myself for needing my uncle to fix the problem instead of dealing with it myself. and i need to forgive myself for struggling to face the unexpected. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...