horoscope

i don't usually pay attention to horoscopes. and when i do, they are just silly. however, my last 2 horoscopes have been incredibly accurate and right on. this morning i woke up feeling vulnerable and raw. and this was today's horoscope that i will go through bit by bit. 

May 27, 2014
A Loving Trust
Aries Daily Horoscope

You may feel wide open and vulnerable today, and you could feel the need to reach out and share your fears and insecurities with others. It's possible you will seek the company of dear friends or loved ones, individuals you know you can trust. 

i use my blog as a way to reach out and share with others. seeking the company of people i can trust is my plan for today. 

You might consider asking one of these people to get together with you today to have a long conversation. If you do, you might first think about how you're feeling today and what may be at the root of any worry or conflict you could be experiencing. If you communicate these things openly with another person, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you may get emotional support in response. 

i am meeting Zed for coffee this afternoon, with the plan to have a long conversation about all our worries. and my constant goal at the moment is to be open and vulnerable. which is why this horoscope speaks to me so deeply. 

Should you wish to be open and vulnerable today but feel blocked, you might consider letting yourself really trust those with whom you speak.

Trusting the people we are closest to allows us to be vulnerable. Having faith that others love and want the best for us creates an atmosphere of openness and willingness. We are able to set aside our fears and can freely express anything that weighs on our minds or hearts. 

trust. i put my trust in my readers that my openness and my willingness to share the deepest parts of myself with be received with love and not with judgement. 

The simple act of communicating these things to a caring person lightens our burden. The more we share, the better we feel, and the more closely connected we are to the other person. Trust that those you choose to be open with today care about you and appreciate your honesty, and they will respond to your vulnerability with love and support. 

trust, openness, vulnerability ... those are the messages i will carry with me today. 

yesterday, i was having a bad day and i reached out to gigi's mom and told her how i was feeling and why. she shared with me a website called  www.dailyom.com which had these horoscopes as well as a beautiful message about grief. this was yesterday's horoscope:

When we are trying to piece together the puzzle of our future, we can get help and guidance from other people. 

gigi's mom offered me support and guidance and hope in her email to me. she gave me a piece of my puzzle. 

Everyone we interact with has something to contribute to our journey. As we engage with others and listen to their advice, we can formulate our image of the right path, solution, or action for ourselves. Each person we question can add a small piece to the puzzle of our future. 

gigi's mom set me on the right path as i was wavering in an opposite direction. 


Seek recommendations and guidance from others regarding your aspirations today, absorb the wisdom that benefits you, and watch a new piece of your life's puzzle fall into place.

each person who offers me wisdom has offered me a piece of my puzzle, or as directed me as to where my piece needs to go ... i have never been good at puzzles, so having help makes me feel less lonely and less alone. 

it's amazing how one person can say one thing that can have a huge impact on your day. be that person today ... be that person who says something to someone that changes their day. 

be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

fat rant

“Fat-bashing in all its varied forms–criticism, exclusion, shaming, fat talk, self-deprecation, jokes, gossip, bullying–is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice. From a very young age, before they can walk away or defend themselves, women are taught that they are how they look, not what they do or what they know. ”  - Robyn Silverman

fat phobia is the last allowable ism. you would be uncomfortable if someone was making racist jokes. you would think it was wrong if someone was making jokes about a disability. but for some reason it is completely acceptable to make fat jokes. 

today i overheard someone making fat jokes.

making jokes about weight isn't okay. 

at all. 

“If you've been fat, you will always feel and see the world as a fat person; you know how difficult it is ... it never leaves you.” - caitlin moran

we look at fatness as though it is due to laziness, self-indulgence, low self-esteem, insecurity, and gluttony. fatness is treated as an imposition to society. 

a joke. 

we don't look at the person. we judge. we see the fat, and we judge. 

i can't tell you how many doctors have told me to lose weight. as if it's easy. as if i have chosen to be fat. as if i could just wake up tomorrow and not be fat anymore. 

“Every weight loss program, no matter how positively it’s packaged, whispers to you that you’re not right. You’re not good enough. You’re unacceptable and you need to be fixed.”      - kim brittingham

the fact is, being fat sucks. i hate it. i hate it because i spend my life feeling judged. judged when i walk into a store that has clothes that don't fit me. judged when i order french fries instead of salad. judged when wear a bathing suit. judged. 

the truth is, i am probably judging myself. 

at the same time, there are so many instances of fat stigma ... 

Huffington Post has an article with segments of women sharing their stories. Here are a few excerpts that stuck out for me:

I was browsing the selections in my size, which mainly consisted of just plain black bras. When a sales associate approached me and asked if I needed help, I told her I was looking for something in a color other than black. After hearing my size, she said: "Well we don't really have much in that size because boobs aren't really supposed to be that big."

What I would say to those who point fingers and shout, "Fat!", including my late mother and grandmother, is, "Shut up. Stop putting your own body image issues onto others. We know if we weigh more than 120 lbs. We get it that you think we're fat. Fat is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. Your bullying isn't acceptable. We'll lose weight when and if we are ready."

Accustomed to skinny girls, everyone would make fun of my huge frame by saying that I "took too much space" or "might as well try joining sumo competition." What hurts me the most is the fact that the verbal bullying happened mostly during my family gatherings, and they didn't seem to care or be aware of the pain it brought to me. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom, crying myself to sleep and constantly avoiding the family gatherings.

 I applied for a clerical job fresh out of college at a local optometrist's office that had advertised an opening. I had a stellar interview, as far as the line of questioning went. As we were wrapping up, the optometrist's wife, who was conducting my interview, gazed past me and said "You know, we have VERY small hallways here."

j.k. rowling wrote: " 'fat' is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her. i mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous','shallow', 'vain', 'boring', or 'cruel'?"


it's time to break free from what society has decided is the right body type and size. it's time to smash our scales.

it's time to stop listening to the fat phobia, to the fat jokes, and to the hateful things that are thrown around as if they are funny. it's time to break the cycle of fat shaming. and it's time to stop making fat jokes. 

because they aren't funny. 

period. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

balance and self-care

www.achieveinafrica.org

when i was a child, i had penpals all over the world. my favourite activity was to write a letter, on real paper, put it in an international mail envelope, put a stamp on it, and then drop it into the red mailbox. then i would wait about a month until i received a reply. my best pen pal lived in zimbabwe and sent me all sorts of letters and presents. i still have a necklace that she sent me 25 years ago. 

as an adult, in our constantly advancing technological world, i now have a digital pen pal: WTR

howtothisandthat.com 

WTR and i met randomly on a scrabble app about 4 years ago. and after a year of playing each other and chatting, decided to become facebook friends. and now she is my pen pal, only we chat in real time. funny how the world and the ways we make connections has changed so much in 20 years. 

today when i was chatting with WTR about my guilt over having been off work, she said:

"As women, we're programmed to think we can and should do it all. it's hard to accept that we can't and shouldn't try."

she is so right. 

from birth, we are conditioned to think that we can do it all. and when we can't do it all, we feel bad about ourselves. and we judge other women who don't seem to be doing it all. we judge women who give themselves permission to take time for themselves. we judge women who choose to stay home with their kids and we judge women who leave their kids and go to work. 

vicky-lifeonthehill.blogspot.com

we feel guilty and ashamed of being unable to balance work, family, home, friends, and a social life. cooking, cleaning, working, being a loving and attentive wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, an employee with responsibilities ... it's hard work. and no one can do it all without giving up themselves and their own needs. 

i decided to ask CP how she manages. she said:

"mostly i just make it all happen. and it feels like no one really notices,, except for other mamas. i tend to have a deep connection with those women. so, i make it work until i can't. and when i can't, i let it wash over me ... the way i do when i sit in a river with moving water. i cling to rocks and let the cool waters swim past me. and hopefully, when i come up for air, pieces of me haven't washed away ... no matter what, a new version of me will eventually be molded, eroded, and sculpted. and most of the time i am tickled and delighted to be in it. but it's fucking hard." 

how do we balance our lives so that we can give to others and to ourselves? how do we give to ourselves? 

kirstentulsian.com 

i think the balance comes in finding something for yourself. maybe it's coffee with a friend once a week, a yoga class, a favourite tv show, meditation, going for a walk, going to the gym, or even blogging. this blog is where i put my energy for myself. and writing posts for this blog is how i take time for myself.

i asked CP, what about time for yourself? her response was "hahahahahaha, i have to work up the courage to ask for it. and not feel guilty. or shitty."

so i asked Kate the same question. she replied: 

"i am an extremely high energy person. i value my time and my life. i love my job but it will never take precedence over my kids. i love my girls but work made me a better mom. working out gives me joy, a social life, and keeps me fit and sane."

so how do we give ourselves permission to do the things that nourish our soul? how do we make ourselves believe and accept that we are worthy and deserving of time for ourselves? 

Geneen Roth wrote:

finding the things that are worth doing is the secret to happiness. i totally just made that up. but i think that it might be true. "celebrate every one of your hungers" whether it be hunger for food, or hunger for writing, or hunger for running, or dancing, or reading, or walking, or talking to a friend, or volunteering ... "if it doesn't bring you pleasure, it's not worth doing" doesn't mean don't do the laundry. the laundry needs to get done. so do the dishes, and the cooking, and the cleaning, and paying the bills, and doing the grocery shopping ... what it does mean is, if working out at the gym doesn't bring you pleasure, then that isn't the right exercise for you; find a dance class, or go for a walk, or swim, or ride your bike. find the thing that brings you pleasure. 

in the meanwhile, as always, 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

being still ...

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.” 

- T.S. Elliot

last night i was chatting with K.M. about being still and listening ...

i am trying to learn to be still. it feels like an insurmountable task. 

to me, T.S. Elliot's definition of being still means turning off my brain, sitting in silence, and waiting for something magical to happen to you ... 

... it feels impossible ... i can't turn off my mind. 

ever.

... i used to believe that stillness meant sitting without movement and thinking about nothing. for 3 years i have lay on Pokey Sue's treatment bed desperately trying to clear my mind, to still my thoughts, to think about nothing ... pokey sue always tells me to be kind to myself while she leaves the room ... and i would lay there beating myself up for not being able to turn off my mind; for not being able to be still ...

Brene Brown wrote: "stillness is not about focusing on nothingness. it's about creating a clearing. it's opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question."

... Brown's definition allows for my tumbling mind that is open during those treatments - my mind that feels and thinks and dreams and questions. 

perhaps stillness isn't sitting here trying to make my mind stop. perhaps stillness is letting my mind wander and seeing where my thoughts take me. LISTENING to my thoughts and getting a better understanding of what is going on inside my (jumbled) head. perhaps being still means letting the inner-critic finish her rant, and waiting to see what voice speaks next; listening for that gentle voice, and waiting to hear what she has to say ...

today i invite you to be still. 

i invite you to take time, 5 or 10 minutes out of your busy day, to sit with your thoughts and see where they take you. 

maybe you will discover something new about yourself, or about your path ... you have nothing to lose. 

be gentle with yourself, for as i have learned, stillness doesn't mean silence or a lack of movement. 

it means listening to the thoughts in your head without judgement, and allowing your thoughts to communicate themselves freely.  

xoxo

...