to be seen

yesterday i had an experience of being seen. and it made me think about the various ways that we hide ourselves. who do we show our selves to? how many different selves do we have? whom do we show to the ones we love?

"i wonder what that means, being loved for who you are. i know it doesn't mean physical appearance - weight, skin, clothes, hair. it means, i think, the qualities that cannot be weighed or measured. the texture of the soul."

being seen and feeling heard are what makes us feel known and loved. but i wonder how much of our true selves we really show, even to those closest to us, and how much we continue to hide for fear of being judged, or disliked. 

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” ― Steve Maraboli

i spend a great deal of time judging myself. how would my life be different if i trusted showing myself to the world - allowing myself to be seen? perhaps the people who love me wouldn't judge me. perhaps the people who would judge me aren't worth my time and energy. 

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf

telling myself the truth about myself isn't easy. it's too hard to face the truth when you're busy trying to be someone else. being someone that you're not might be appealing but it is also exhausting. 

i leave you with this thought ...

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

Anxious Martha

Solitude. 

It doesn't have to be lonely. I am sitting on the porch at the cottage listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the shoreline and trying to convince myself that it is enjoyable to be alone. 

Sometimes being alone is great. Time to think. Time to recharge. Time to reflect, rejuvenate ... Other times it's just lonely. 

The truth is, I keep thinking about my anxiety. 

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."

Charles Spurgeon

I have named my anxiety Martha. 

Martha is a 75 year old plump old woman who likes to knit in her rocking chair. She likes to nag and harp on the same topic repeatedly. Her current obsession is money and the lack of it. She worries constantly about how to spend money and how to save it. But she's not helpful. She just nags. 

Martha is smart and knows how to scare me. She whispers all day long until she convinces me that the car is going to explode, or some such nonsense. And even though I KNOW it not to be true, I can't help but listen to her. 

Martha is bossy too. She tells me not to do things like go out to parties or try new things. 

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

Soren Kierkegaard

I am trying to think of ways to send Martha away when she gets persistent. I've tried talking to her. But seeing as she is my anxiety and not an actual person, sometimes that feels really dumb. But I keep telling her she isn't welcome. That she wasn't invited to the party, I was. She wasn't asked out to coffee, I was. 

"I think anxiety is dangerous, but it makes you think it's your friend."

Noah Baumbach

If you could name your anxiety, what would its name be? What would its personality be? And how would you tell it to leave you alone? 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

horoscope

i don't usually pay attention to horoscopes. and when i do, they are just silly. however, my last 2 horoscopes have been incredibly accurate and right on. this morning i woke up feeling vulnerable and raw. and this was today's horoscope that i will go through bit by bit. 

May 27, 2014
A Loving Trust
Aries Daily Horoscope

You may feel wide open and vulnerable today, and you could feel the need to reach out and share your fears and insecurities with others. It's possible you will seek the company of dear friends or loved ones, individuals you know you can trust. 

i use my blog as a way to reach out and share with others. seeking the company of people i can trust is my plan for today. 

You might consider asking one of these people to get together with you today to have a long conversation. If you do, you might first think about how you're feeling today and what may be at the root of any worry or conflict you could be experiencing. If you communicate these things openly with another person, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you may get emotional support in response. 

i am meeting Zed for coffee this afternoon, with the plan to have a long conversation about all our worries. and my constant goal at the moment is to be open and vulnerable. which is why this horoscope speaks to me so deeply. 

Should you wish to be open and vulnerable today but feel blocked, you might consider letting yourself really trust those with whom you speak.

Trusting the people we are closest to allows us to be vulnerable. Having faith that others love and want the best for us creates an atmosphere of openness and willingness. We are able to set aside our fears and can freely express anything that weighs on our minds or hearts. 

trust. i put my trust in my readers that my openness and my willingness to share the deepest parts of myself with be received with love and not with judgement. 

The simple act of communicating these things to a caring person lightens our burden. The more we share, the better we feel, and the more closely connected we are to the other person. Trust that those you choose to be open with today care about you and appreciate your honesty, and they will respond to your vulnerability with love and support. 

trust, openness, vulnerability ... those are the messages i will carry with me today. 

yesterday, i was having a bad day and i reached out to gigi's mom and told her how i was feeling and why. she shared with me a website called  www.dailyom.com which had these horoscopes as well as a beautiful message about grief. this was yesterday's horoscope:

When we are trying to piece together the puzzle of our future, we can get help and guidance from other people. 

gigi's mom offered me support and guidance and hope in her email to me. she gave me a piece of my puzzle. 

Everyone we interact with has something to contribute to our journey. As we engage with others and listen to their advice, we can formulate our image of the right path, solution, or action for ourselves. Each person we question can add a small piece to the puzzle of our future. 

gigi's mom set me on the right path as i was wavering in an opposite direction. 


Seek recommendations and guidance from others regarding your aspirations today, absorb the wisdom that benefits you, and watch a new piece of your life's puzzle fall into place.

each person who offers me wisdom has offered me a piece of my puzzle, or as directed me as to where my piece needs to go ... i have never been good at puzzles, so having help makes me feel less lonely and less alone. 

it's amazing how one person can say one thing that can have a huge impact on your day. be that person today ... be that person who says something to someone that changes their day. 

be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

the real deal

nosy nora asked me if my positive blog posts were reflective of how i was feeling these days, or if i was projecting into the future of how i want to feel ... 

... i think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. i am a different person than i was a year ago. i feel different than i did a few months ago. and i write my blog in a positive tone because i feel like no one wants to hear about what depression really feels like. 

so ... here i am, writing about where i am at right now. 

i wake up in the morning and i drag myself out of bed. i go to work because i want to have structure and routine in my day. but i am not "into" it. i plan my lessons and i teach my class. and the kids are sweet. today one of them gave me a jar of paper stars that she made for me. 

after 3 hours at work, i am exhausted and i head home. i try to stay awake, but end up napping. then i sit on the couch and try to convince myself that i need to get outside, get some fresh air, and go for a walk. i try to convince myself that i will feel better if i move my body, mostly because nosy nora thinks i will. but i lack the motivation to DO anything. i flip through channels on the tv and never settle on anything. so i end up putting on some music. i try to read a book, but i can't concentrate for more than a few pages at a time. i can't crochet because my hands hurt. i don't like talking on the phone, and even if i did, most people are at work or out doing things besides sitting on the couch. 

i want, more than anything, to go to the gym. and i keep planning to go, and then when the time comes, i have a panic attack and just can't get there. the longer i put it off, the harder it becomes to go. 

eventually i will find something to eat. maybe. and then i flip through the channels again until i end up on music and read a few more pages. 

depression is energy sucking. the only thing that i am interested in doing these days is writing. it is the one thing that helps me to get out of bed in the morning. i love knowing that when i get up, i can write. and knowing that after work i can come home and write. 

writing is my way of coping, of organizing my thoughts and feelings and packaging it all in one place - the page. 

so i hope that you will continue to indulge me as i write each day, sharing my thoughts, ideas, and feelings with the world - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but always speaking my truth.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Inspiration

i want to inspire people. i want this blog to be inspiring ... the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me was that they were able to come out because i did first. that i made it okay, and safe. 

instead of trying too hard to be an inspiration, i thought that i would share with you some of the things that inspire me ...

i spend way too much time worrying about the mean people in my life and what i have done wrong to bring on the meanness. the truth is, it has nothing to do with me. their wounds, their darkness, their struggles bring out a mean and nasty way of treating people that is both beyond my control, and entirely not my fault. 

no one lives in a vacuum with one challenge. no one exists as on identity. our identities are multifaceted, as are our struggles. 

sharing your darkness with others is terrifying and liberating. my biggest fear is that people will leave me if they knew who i truly am. and i have learned over the last year that the people who stay are my true friends. the people who know my darkness, face it, and accept it, are the people who will be here for me for many, many years to come. 

wow. that one gets me every time. enough is in "relationship to what you already have." as a person who is always worried about not having enough and not getting enough, this always stops me in my tracks. i have enough love, enough food, enough support, enough friendship, enough greatness. and yet, i always feel like i will lose it all, so i gather it as close to me as i can get it. i worry about never eating chocolate again, so i feel like i can't get enough of it and i eat too much. i worry about my friends leaving me, so i gather them under my wings and sometimes hold them too tightly. and i reach out constantly to nosy nora, afraid that the connection to her, and the support from her will cease to exist. 

there is no point in getting into loud screaming matches. i spent much of my childhood being yelled at. and i have learned that it is the words you use to stand up for yourself and to speak your truth, not the volume of your voice. 

a process. a big, long, complicated, messy process. healing takes time. do you remember the rice krispies commercial where the mom is in the kitchen reading a book and the kids and dad call from the other room "are they ready yet?" and the says "these things take time!"? and then she splashes herself with flour and makes it look like she worked really hard ... it reminds me of healing and changing. "these things take time" and these things are hard work, but only as hard as we make them. softening yourself to the changes and the healing will allow them to happen. giving yourself time, and being compassionate with yourself will allow them to happen. even though you need to be patient. 

sometimes i just need to vent. period. 

see previous post here on how we treat ourselves. 

we are all in this life thing together, as nosy nora likes to tell me. she also says we all need each other. i have tried for a very long time to do it all by myself - to live i mean. but the reality is that my friends have ignited in me many hopes, dreams, loves, desires, longings, and passion. and i am grateful to all of them. 

i spend way to much time wanting what i don't have, planning how to get it, and working towards that goal. what i need to do is to look at what i already have, enjoy that, and LIVE. 

permission to feel good ... wow. i don't know about you, but i spend so much time worrying about the feelings of other people that i rarely pay attention to my needs or my feelings. and when i do pay attention, it is to all the negative feelings and the hardships of my life. permission to feel good. permission to admit that there are many wonderful aspects of my life. i like that idea ... putting into practice is another story. 

i have been letting go of people and things in my life that do not give me what i deserve. and i have been asking for what i deserve from the people who i don't want to let go. and it is really, really HARD, and really, really IMPORTANT. if you aren't already doing it ... start now ... RIGHT NOW!

waiting to be rich, waiting to be thin, waiting to get promoted, waiting to have kids, waiting to buy a house, waiting for the next thing. waiting for you life to begin. guess what? first, your life began a very long time ago when you were born. and second, waiting isn't living. you have a life, here and now. you have a life worth living because you are worthy as you are. think about it. try it. try living the life you have right now. 

as always ... 

be kind to yourself ...

xoxo

...

vulnerability part 2

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Madeleine L'Engle

today, nosy nora told me that my blog is helping people. she told me that vulnerability, with maturity, means putting yourself out there, opening up, and not getting hurt the way you did as a child. 

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.Brene Brown

to stay out of the discomfort of vulnerability, i found ways to numb myself. i ignored my feelings, and i didn't share my stories out of fear of rejection and abandonment. 

what i have learned from allowing myself to be vulnerable, to be heard, and to be known, is that the people who love me - who truly and deeply love me - will stay BECAUSE of who i am, not in spite of it. 

In the beginning, people think vulnerability will make you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you're strong enough to care.

Victoria Pratt

i care enough to share myself with others. with the people who have earned the right to hear my story. my vulnerability is seen as courage and strength. 

being seen is really scary. like, really, REALLY, scary. being seen means letting my darkness into the light. it means being willing to tell my truths. 

Through my research, I found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It's the magic sauce.

Brene Brown

being willing to tell my truths means forming relationships based on trust. 

i hope that you can find a way to "lean into" your vulnerability. 

monarch butterflies are the most vulnerable creature i know. they manage to find their way from canada to mexico, following the path their ancestors took. the route somehow ingrained in their dna. landing on the same trees their predecessors landed on. and then flying all the way back to canada to lay their eggs and start the process again. the eggs are left on their own, and the caterpillar somehow knows to eat milkweed, which is poisonous to other critters. and then it just knows to spin a chrysalis and trust that as they dissolve into a goo, they will weather the storms until they re-form themselves as a completely different creature. 

if a monarch can do all that, then you can share your stories. email me your story and i will happily share it here, under your name or a pseudonym. i look forward to hearing from you. 

be kind and truthful to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Personal Truth and being a fraud

wise woman wrote to me yesterday and said ...

Getting to know our personal truth can be extremely challenging ... We lie to ourselves as often, if not more, than we lie to others. And sharing your personal truth can be even more of a challenge. 

But without it, where would we be?!

so what is truth? truth is the real facts, the quality or state of being true. truth is the feeling in your gut that tells you the difference between right and wrong. truth is the little voice in your head that screams (sometimes silent muffled screams) when something is disingenuous. 

personal truth is the story inside of you that you try to protect others from knowing, because you are afraid if they really knew you, they would leave. personal truth are the thoughts in your head about yourself that are valid (not the voice of the inner critic click here and here for my posts about the inner critic ...). denial is very powerful, and sometimes our personal narratives are disingenuous. or as wise woman said, "I think we're good at self deception though ... our 'wishful personal truth' narrative might not always be accurate." 

telling the difference is the biggest challenge of our lives. 

so how do we tell the difference? how do we combat the feeling of being a fraud?

i usually feel like i am faking my way through the things that i need to do. faking being competent at my job. faking knowing how to sing. faking knowing anything at all. sometimes i feel like a fraud because i borrow ideas from other people. 

other times, being a fraud means not being truthful to myself. when i am trying to be something that someone else wants me to be. and that is a scary place to be. 

wise woman said "part of being fraudulent is difficulty owning how brilliant we are." ... this rings so true for me. 

part of being fraudulent is difficulty owning how worthy we are ...

difficulty owning how deserving we are ...

difficulty owning that we are enough ...

i am often terrified to speak my truth for fear of being misunderstood, for fear of being judged, for fear of being vulnerable. or for fear of being found out that i am really a fraud. 

however, lately i have been letting myself be seen from the inside out, and surprisingly, no ceilings have fallen on my head, no lightening has struck me down, and more importantly, no one has left me after i have shared (bared) my personal truth - after finding out who i truly am. 

our truth makes us whole. our truth makes us authentic. when we begin to embody our truths, we can move through the world with more confidence and ease. our truth is our personal narrative. it is how we recall our lives. it is subjective and purely, solely, ours. 

as mark twain said, "a lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes [...] if you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

be truthfully kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

Truth grows wings

last night, my wings grew a little bit because i spoke my truth. 

recently i have been dealing with what radical t calls "the childhood event." and as i work my way through this event, and my shame around it, i often wonder if i am just crazy, or if it was really my fault, or if i made the whole thing up in the first place. 

so i decided to take a leap of faith, an impulsive one actually, and i emailed one of the people who was around during "the childhood event" and i asked some questions that i needed answers to. 

i wasn't expecting a response. but i got one. 

i spoke my truth. and i was validated. and heard. and the validation made my wings grow a little bit. 

i feel lighter this morning. i feel unburdened. 

when i first met nosy nora, she used to say that it was like someone else was living my life; like i wasn't participating in my own life. i feel like it is MY life now. 

sharing my story, speaking my truth, is freeing me from the heaviness that i carry around. 

so i decided that i wanted to share another story with you. another truth. because speaking my story makes me strong each day. 

this time it is about foxes. 

The summer I was 17, I was dating a woman who was 21. It was new and exciting and confusing. I was in the woods writing in my journal and thinking about my life and feeling confused. And I looked up and there was a fox staring at me. And I just knew that it was going to be ok.

Then in grade 12, I was on the bus going to school and I was thinking about school and feeling confused and unsure about my education choices and if I should think about changing high schools ... and a fox trotted down Bloor street! And again, I just knew.

There were a few other significant sightings over those few years. But the most significant was in relation to my best friend Gigi (who this blog is named after).

I was at her house and I told Gigi about the importance of foxes in my life. She teased me and said that squirrels were her special animal because she sees them all the time. I went home and as I walked in the door, the phone was ringing. It was Gigi. She said there was a fox in her backyard with a squirrel in its mouth.

We laughed and laughed.

And 2 days later, Gigi died.

A week after her death, I was at her house in her sister's room. Her Dad was in Gigi's room and he suddenly called out "hey, have you ever seen a fox?" Her sister knew the fox story so we looked at each other and our jaws dropped. We ran to the bedroom and her mom joined us there.

The 4 of us stood at the window, crying, holding each other and watching this fox who just sat in the yard staring back at us.

It was moving and healing and there are no words to describe it.

i continue to see foxes at significant moments in my life. most recently i saw a fully intact dead fox on the side of the road. i cried and cried and CRIED. and i emailed Gigi's sister and told her about it. her response was touching:

Maybe the penetrating gaze of that intact dead fox on the driver's side on the highway yesterday, was a mirror to you: not a message that doom and gloom awaits you, but that it's time for your soul to finally rise up from the damaged (metaphorical) carcass that houses it and become the most fully alive, most vibrant and whole vibrational entity that it can be. It's your time to become whole, Kira, that's what the dead fox symbolizes for me.

i like to think that she is right. that in order for me to morph into a butterfly from this diapause state that i am in, to become the most vibrant and whole entity that i can be, i need to continue to tell my story, to speak my truth, and to heal. 

NOTE: please keep in mind that i am NOT endorsing the speaking of your own truth. i think that it's important to do it, but if you don't have a strong support system, then hold off. i only had the courage to do it, because i have a therapist, nosy nora, and because i know that i will have her support as i work through the aftermath of having my say - the aftermath of addressing "the childhood event" with a person who was there and who was able to validate me. if you have your own "childhood event" i strongly recommend you find yourself a therapist. if money is an issue, there are many affordable ways to access therapy in your city. toronto has several walk-in therapy clinics, as well as social workers and community agencies that offer free counseling. and i am sure there are some places in your own cities. 

and if you are thinking about your "childhood event" and you need a distraction, DS suggests this sarcastic video called "Everything is Awesome" click here to watch. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...