friendship and support

i was never the kind of person who reached out for support. i was the kind of person who tucked away my troubles and pretended to the world that everything was fine. 

i was too busy taking care of everyone else and didn't have the time or energy to take care of myself. so i let my health go. i let my body go. i pushed all my emotions down inside of me and buried them tightly in the bottom of my heart, so that my heart became filled with hairline fractures. which are harder to mend than a deep single crack. 

but over the past few years i have been seeking support and finding true friendships. and discovered that, as nosy nora says, we all need each other. 

“A fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken. Fortunately, something else happens to you and me. Pick up your pieces. Then, help me gather mine.” 
― Vera Nazarian

being able to reach out for support hasn't been easy for me. it made (makes) me feel weak, and needy, and clingy. it makes me feel like i am not strong enough to face up to the world. but i am discovering that people are there to pick up your pieces and help put you back together. no one is humpty dumpty. it doesn't take all the king's horses or all the king's men to mend a broken heart, or to support a friend. (on a side note, do you realize that there is nothing in the humpty dumpty poem that says he is an egg? where did that image come from? i looked it up and wikipedia has several theories but nothing proven. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpty_Dumpty) picking up the pieces isn't something that you need to do on your own. the world is full of supportive people who are there to help with the shards of your life. 

“Support and encouragement are found in the most unlikely places.” 
― Raquel Cepeda

what i have discovered through this process is that support can come from places you never expected. an online support group, for example, has been a place for me to share my stories with people who understand. and these strangers offer me strength and guidance in ways i never thought possible. 

my emotional growth through this experience of writing a blog has been tantamount to a miracle. in a million years i never would have thought that his little blog would reach 25,000 page views. that strangers would email me to thank me for my writing. that friends would read my posts and tell me that they connect to my stories. being able to write about my life, my struggles, my heart ache, my successes, my happiness, my sadness, my weaknesses and my strengths ... being able to write about my life gives me strength. it makes me stronger to know that i am putting myself out there. even if it is anonymously published for my own protection - i'm not impervious to pain or embarrassment you know. 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” 
― C.S. Lewis

i have also discovered that people have way more in common with each other than we first believe. we live with such shame and secrecy and privacy and the inability to share our stories. and it turns out that there are people in my life who have been on similar paths. and we can connect with each other and support each other in ways that no one else can. 

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

i learned through this process of wanting to take care of myself, that you have to ask for help. and when you do, you actually get it. 

what what? 

no, really. when you ask someone to help you, they actually do. when you reach out for support you actually get support. ok, not from everyone. some people are selfish assholes and you can't change that. they aren't worth your emotional energy. but most people? most people will give you the support that you need. 

“There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


there are some stories that no one else can understand unless they have lived that truth. and those are the people whose support can surprise you. unless you share your stories, you'll never know that there are people out there who can relate ... who can commiserate ... who truly understand. knocking out a mountain troll doesn't have to be the only way that you make friendships. but sharing your truth is one way to be sure that those friendships are genuine and are built on truth and understanding. 

i am so very lucky to have a fabulous partner who loves me, adores me, and supports me. i am appreciative and grateful for the people in my life who offer me friendship and support.  i am fortunate to have a fantastic therapist with whom i can share my stories and my emotional tornadoes. i would list the people that i have gratitude for ... but i know that i would forget someone. so if you are someone that i have turned to for emotional support, or for a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or advice, or just a helping hand ... i thank you for being there. you know who you are. 

and in closing ...

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 
― Linda Grayson

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
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10 tips for happiness

the last few days have found me in a good mood. this is rare these days. i think that part of it is a new medication, but more importantly, i think that it has been examining how the positive and huge changes that i have made over the last few years. 

so while i am in this good mood, i wanted to share ten tips for being happy:

1. express gratitude. i keep a gratitude journal and every day i make a list of things that i am grateful for. it helps to have positive thoughts in your mind. 

2. set the bar high and expect the best out of life. thinking negative thoughts leads to negative feelings. turn your negative thoughts around and allow yourself to think positively. 

3. don't compare yourself to other people. you are a unique gift on this planet. you are no one else but you. as oscar wilde said: "be yourself everyone else is already taken."

4. forgive yourself. seriously. forgive yourself. you are human. life will be messy and filled with mistakes. and as it says in anne of green gables, "tomorrow is a fresh day with no mistakes in it." forgive forgive forgive your mistakes, your messiness, your imperfections. 

5. be kind to others. pay it forward. it makes you feel good. 

6. treat yourself the way you treat the people that you love (thanks geneen roth ... what a concept!) 

7. therapy. seriously. therapy. if you are chronically unhappy, there's a reason ... or reasons ... and having someone guide you on a healing journey is helpful. that sounded incredibly cheesy ... having someone to listen to you and talk out your issues is beneficial. 

8. see people. go out. see people. socialize. even if it's hard. do it anyway. keep contact with your friends. find a group to join. for me it's choir. i will admit that i have NOT been enjoying choir this semester. but i go every week anyway. it's my community. 

9. "be the lab scientist and not the rat."  http://www.purposefairy.com/ which means pay attention to your mind, to your reactions to situations, your reactions to things that people say. learn your triggers and find ways to cope. strategies for coping will help you reframe the situation.

10. this is the most challenging step (for me). be good to your body. feed it. feed it healthy and nutritious foods. feed it what tastes good to you. feed it what you LIKE. and move your body. even if that means simply going for a walk (yes, i DO listen to you nosy nora). 

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

being angry is a natural feeling and it's okay to feel angry and to talk through those feelings. nosy nora says it's even okay to be angry with people that you love. including your parents. yikes! but holding onto that anger for a long time and not doing anything with it hurts you more than it hurts the person that you are angry at. expressing that emotion in some way helps you to let it go. that doesn't mean you have to tell the person you are mad at. you can express your anger in many different healthy ways. that's a post for another day. 

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

i woke up feeling happy the last 2 days. but i cultivated that happiness by following the 10 steps above. by acknowledging that i have put in the work to change my life. (and possibly by upping my meds. just saying)

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” 
― Jonathan Safran Foer

one of the biggest lessons that i have learned through therapy and through facing my addiction is that when you numb yourself to the hard feelings, you numb yourself to the wonderful feelings as well. when you protect yourself from feeling, you don't get to experience the joys that life is filled with. 

“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.” 
― Ayn Rand

make yourself important. you matter. did you hear that? i'll say it louder ... YOUUUUUU MATTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

“All happiness depends on courage and work.” 
― Honoré de Balzac

you wont just BE happy without working on yourself. and that takes time and small changes that lead to bigger life-long change. (another gem from nosy nora)

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.” 
― J.M. Barrie

i included that quote because i love the idea of fairies. and i love baby laughs. what brings more joy than a baby laughing!?!?!?!?!???

“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?” 
― Hunter S. Thompson

one of the first things i remember nosy nora saying to me when i started therapy a few years ago was that i seemed like i wasn't present in my life. i was on the shore merely existing. terrified of the potential storm out on the sea of life. i am trying really hard to be present. it's not easy. but i feel like i am more alive. like i am experiencing life instead of watching it pass me by. 

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” 
― Guillaume Apollinaire

pause and experience your happiness. there's no point in following my steps to happiness if you spend all your time focusing on trying to make yourself happy without enjoying the feeling of BEING happy. 

and MOST importantly, 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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gratitude

i have been thinking a lot about gratitude and what it means. 

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” 
― Marcel Proust

these last 6 months have been the most difficult of my life and i was able to navigate my way through the darkness because of the support that i received. without that support, i would still be flailing in the darkness. 

and i am grateful. 

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass... get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.” 
― Steve Maraboli

life certainly knocked me on my ass. but just getting up and dealing with my problems wasn't that easy. i needed time to cocoon in a blanket on my couch, to work through the darkness, to become stronger and healthier. and i wasn't able to do it on my own. 

so what does it mean to be grateful?

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” 
― A.A. Milne

being grateful means acknowledging the people who have done something for you, who have given you something, who have supported you. 

“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” 
― Maya Angelou

gratitude is being thankful for the gifts that are offered to you, regardless of what those gifts are and what form they come in. being thankful for a hug. being thankful for a smile. 

“We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.” 
― John F. Kennedy

i make a point of thanking people when it is warranted. being thanked feels good. and doing the thanking feels good too. feels genuine. 

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” 
― Cicero

think about the people who have made a difference in your life. can you find them and thank them? think about the people who make a difference every day. what can you do to express your gratitude? sometimes it means paying it forward. sometimes it means literally saying "thank you." 

it is such a small act with such a huge impact. 

yesterday, i was thanked by a parent for helping their daughter and was told that the biggest thing i did for their daughter was pay attention to her instead of ignoring her and letting her fall through the cracks. it was a little thing for that parent to tell me that, but it made me feel good. 

how can you make someone feel good? leave your ideas in the comments field, or send me an email. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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grateful for friendships

i have been wanting, for a long time, to write a post thanking people for being my friends. but i am so worried that i will forget someone, that i am not going to name any specific friends, and instead i am going to say ... you know who you are. 

having friends that you can have open conversations with is the most important thing in the world. there is nothing better than the relief of sharing your story with a friend who doesn't judge. 

thank you to the friends who listen to me without judgement. it took a very long time, many many many years, for me to find you, and i appreciate you very much. 

having someone just listen to me, or even just be there when i am down is an amazing thing. i spent so much of my life feeling alone, and now i have an incredible group of friends who have stuck by me throughout everything i throw at them. 

when i was starting grade 9, i had a goal to make friends with every single student in the entire school. 500 friends. that was my plan. but getting to know everyone meant not truly getting to know anyone. i am incredibly lucky that over the last 10 years, i have developed incredible friendships that are true, meaningful, important, and unlike anything i have ever experienced before. 

my friends are my family. they are the people that i turn to for love, support, and understanding. and i hope that i am to them what they are to me. and then there are the family members who have become true friends.

there was a long period of my life where i felt very lonely, and very alone. and it took a lot of encouragement for me to reach out to people to make friends. and since then, my corner of the forest has become very crowded and lovely. and i will even venture to other parts of the forest. 

there's the friend who is there to tell me to stop beating myself up, the one who gives me pragmatic advice when i am sure the sky is falling, the one who listens and says "yeah, that sucks dude," the one who gives me hugs and cuddles, the one who sends me cyber hugs, the friend who knows when to make a smart ass comment to make me laugh, the one who will meet me at the very same restaurant every time partly because it's delicious and partly because i know how to get there and where to park, the friend who knows when to side with me and when to play devil's advocate, the friend who listens without judgement, the one who is there at 3am when i can't sleep and neither can she ... i could go on and on about my amazing friends. but since most of you are reading this, i am simply going to say thank you for being my friend. 

and finally, you know who you are ... 

be kind to yourself, and to your friends, 

xoxo

ps. This post on brene brown's website is awesome:
http://brenebrown.com/2014/04/08/daring-interview-series-meet-gavin-aung/

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gratitude

"cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously." - ralph waldo emerson


today AS, CJ, and CG came to help us declutter our house. after reorganizing the kitchen and bagging up at least a tonne of stuff to donate, i was sitting by myself waiting for pizza to be delivered ... everyone else was in the basement organizing ... and i began to cry. 

i cried because i don't believe myself worthy or deserving of such kindness. i was overcome with gratitude and overwhelmed by the kindness being bestowed upon us. 

thank you AS, CJ, and CG for your help today. thank you for uplifting my heart, and allowing me to experience such gratitude towards you. 

"piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude." - a.a. milne

be kind to yourself, and find a way to express your gratitude, even if it is only to yourself ...

xoxo

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Cultivating Happiness

Happiness needs to be sought, cultivated, and appreciated. 

I have recently started a gratitude journal. Every day I list the things that I am grateful for. It's a nice way to focus on the positive things in my life. 

Today I am grateful for SC suggesting a last minute getaway and for S&J for making us feel welcome and at home, as always ...

We arrived at our secret hideaway and were greeted outside by the resident dog. Boundless energy and affection. she looks like Sprocket from Fraggle Rock. 

Then we were shown to our room by our ever gracious hosts where champagne and chocolates awaited us. 

We then watched a herd of deer crossing the river. 

Do deer travel in herds? anyway ...

Dinner was stuffed chicken, potatoes, yams, and broccoli. Soooo good. We sat around and chatted for hours. Then a good night sleep. 

We awoke to a gorgeous sunny day. 

And had breakfast which included my special request: avacaos in maple syrup. Mmmmmm .... happiness can be cultivated when you stop to enjoy the multiple flavours of a good meal. each bite, savoured and paid attention to. 

Now we are trying to get up the energy to go out. The plan is to go watch ice racing which is a bunch of crazy people having car races on ice. 

*****

Yep ... ice racing was as crazy as I imagined. Slipping. Sliding. Crashing. Spraying the spectators with snow.  

The rest of the day was spent adventuring; this means driving with no destination and finding ourselves on roads the GPS can't find. Then discovering beauty ... you can cultivate happiness by being still when surrounded by nature and taking in how beautiful each season truly is. 

*****

Sunday we went to visit family. Got hugs and kisses. Played a long card game. And then drove back to the hideaway for dinner - ribs and fettuccine alfredo. 

I may or may not have had 3 glasses of wine and a glass of champagne. 

We have packed up for the morning. We leave after breakfast. I don't really want to go home! It's so nice here. 

I also keep running into images of butterflies, which I will blog about later:

find your happiness by nurturer it. enjoy the happiness that finds it's way into your life. happiness can be as simple as finding a good book on sale. and you can cultivate that joy by purchasing the book and making time in your busy day to stop, be still, and read it. 

xoxo

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