changes and fear

a few months ago, i wrote a blog post about changes. http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/changes.html advising that change can be good. 

well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet. 

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)

i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe. 

“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.” 
― Lemony Snicket

my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing. 

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....” 
― Erica Jong

turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue. 

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.” 
― Shel Silverstein

it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn. 

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.” 
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change. 

so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

baby steps

change is hard. 

and it doesn't happen all at once. 

i often make the mistake of trying to make a bunch of changes all at once which is setting myself up for failure ... which is inevitable ... 

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein

i need to change my thinking about changing. i need to stop trying to make all these giant shifts all at once. small steps each day is the only way to make effective changes. 

for example, tonight i added broccoli to dinner. that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is. broccoli and carrots. tomorrow i plan to drink a glass of water. just one. i never drink water. mostly because i have to pee all the time and i know that drinking water will make it a hundred times worse. but tomorrow my baby step will be to drink a glass of water. 

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol

i could sit around and wait for my life to change. i could get up tomorrow and eat only healthy foods, drink lots of water, work-out for an hour and a half ... i could do all that ... but i wont do it again the next day. changing yourself means being realistic and making small steps. 

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

my current state is not nurturing. i am not happy with my life the way it is right now. there are things that i need to make different. and i need to acknowledge that it is hard. 

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

we only have one life, and we only have one self. altering our lives means altering ourselves. we need to adapt ourselves to be our best selves. and this means taking baby steps towards greatness. this means pushing through, and pushing past what we think we cannot achieve. 

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” ― Madonna

who knew i would offer advice from madonna. but it's good advice. becoming a better version of yourself is possible. it is not out of reach. but not by making giant changes all at once. 

“How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the whole day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day.” ― Anne Frank

now anne frank, that's more my style of offering wisdom. 

each night when i lay in bed, i make it a point to go over my day and consider the good and the bad. i then follow zed's example and i think about the people in my life and my wishes for them. and in the morning, i endeavor to do better.  

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ― Carl R. Rogers

geneen roth said, you are not a problem to be solved. that is a very difficult thing to hear and believe. but making changes doesn't mean that you are broken or worthless. it simply means that you want more for yourself. that you deserve better than the life that you are living. that you deserve more. that you deserve to experience enoughness. 
(see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/enoughness.html) 

“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

remaking ourselves IS possible. it isn't easy. but nothing worthwhile is easy. altering habits isn't easy, but it can be done one day at a time. it's the belief in ourselves that needs to change.

believe in yourself and your ability to be great. believe in your ability that you are enough. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fierce love

i saw this post by geneen roth today and thought about myself, about my metamorphosis. i think that i have come out of my cocoon a butterfly. my wings are still wet, so i can't fly. but i will get there. 

my struggle with food and eating is the moisture on my wings. 

"a fierce kind of love for yourself." 

to love myself fiercely. 

to believe that it is possible to change. to become a butterfly. to believe that i could be at peace with food and with eating. to believe that i could be at peace. 

love yourself fiercely, 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

butterfly wings

my blog is doing better than i ever expected. 

Pageviews today

69

Pageviews yesterday

56

Pageviews all time history

11,046

those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people. 

today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me. 

how will i know?  

“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.” 

― Haruki Murakami

in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.

maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature. 

change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...

 in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before  i try to fly.

going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be. 

that was complicated ... 

going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself. 

as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.

sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply. 

i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

metanoia

metanoia: the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life. 

i am on a journey. a journey to learn my self-worth. a journey to unlearn everything i was taught about myself ... because intellectually i know that all i have learned is untrue.


this is me at 13. 

this is me when the children at school were calling me names and convincing me of how fat i was. they called me "whale woman" and "hippie the hippo" and told me i was fat every day. 

i believed them. 

i hid in the bathroom before and after school. i was sick to my stomach every day and i would throw up my lunch. i convinced myself that it was because of the torture that i was enduring (today we use the lame word "bullying" to describe the torture and terror i endured). but it had more to do with not wanting to be the fat girl that they called me.  

looking at this photo now, i looked like everyone else. 

looking at this photo, i can't believe how i saw myself. 

looking at this photo, i can't believe what an influence those children had on me. and i have to remind myself that i was also a child; a child easily influenced by the constant barrage of taunting and terrorizing that i was forced to abide.

i look at my legs, my arms, my straight back, my shoulders ... how tall i sat ... like i was daring them to call me more names. like i was immune to their harassment. 

at 13, i believed that i was more mature than all the other children in the school. i was treated like an adult and expected to behave like one - so i did. 

and now i am on this journey to rediscover all the things that my 13 year old self missed out on. 

i sent this post to CP to ask her what was missing. and she said, "what about the part where things were not her fault?" she said that the map of my journey can include the destination - where i want to go. even if i don't believe it yet. 

so ... this journey means getting to a place where i can say, in all honesty, that the things that happened to my 13 year old self were not my fault. that the 13 year old is not to blame. 

this journey means giving myself the right to be angry, to express that anger, and to speak my truth. 

13 was a time for exploring identity - for discovering a sense of self. and social relationships were the most influential. my social relationships at this time were not positive. and this carried over for many years. because i learned to expect the worst, and not to demand any more.

13 is when you begin to discover your sexuality - to experiment with your body. 13 brings on puberty, hormonal changes, mood swings ... 

13.

who knew that at 37 i would revert to my 13 year old self whenever things get rough? i swear that SHE is the one who has panic attacks and meltdowns. SHE is the one who cries. 

this journey that i am on includes having to forgive my 13 year old self for things that she did, things that she allowed, things that she didn't do. 

this journey means changing my mind, my heart, and my image of myself. 

i hope you have a map for your own metanoia - your own journey. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

Cocooned vs. Metamorphosis

today i read on someone's blog, "If nothing changed there'd be no butterflies"

 ... and i want to know ... what's wrong with caterpillars? 

monarch caterpillars have always been my favourite. they're plump and colourful and they have little legs that tickle when they crawl on you. they can easily curl up into a ball. and they eat milkweed which makes them poisonous to birds - their stripes protect them from being eaten. 

they spend their days crawling around the milkweed, eating. 

and eventually spin themselves into a cocoon. 

i've been a caterpillar for so long that i don't want to ever come out of my cocoon. i can't see the future and i don't know what kind of butterfly i'm going to be. 

and it scares me. 

i want to stay safe and wrapped up and protected in my cocoon forever. 

i could hide away from the world, from pain, from hurt, from sadness. 

i could blend into the colours of the trees, the only thing giving me away would be the gold "stitches" along the top of my cocoon ...

                      * * * * * * *

my dad used to let us collect monarch caterpillars at the end of august. 

we would keep them in a terrarium with lots of milkweed. and within a week or so of their captivity, they would spin their bright green cocoons. 

we would watch the chrysalis for days. gold threading along the top, and hanging from the lid of the terrarium. and then one day they would change from green to black and then to clear and then the majestic monarchs would work their way out. 

at first, their wings would be wet. so we would carefully lift them out, letting their legs cling to our fingers.  

we would set them down in the backyard. and they would open their wings to let them dry in the sun. and once the wings were dry, they would flap them and fly away. 

until next august when we would hunt through the milkweed and start the process all over again. 

and as beautiful and incredible as this process is ... the metamorphosis leaves those monarch caterpillars completely vulnerable and helpless. 

when my brother was 3, he had his very own caterpillar in a jar. holes in the lid for air, and lovely milkweed for food. the plump little creature spun a green and gold chrysalis attached to the lid. 

our babysitter's son was at our house and my brother wanted to show him his pet. so the exuberant and over-eager visitor opened the lid, looked into the jar, and slammed the lid down on the table saying "where? i don't see anything!?" 

that morphing creature wasn't the only thing that got squashed that day. my brother crumpled in on himself. i've never seen him cry so much. i've never seen him so hurt. it was as if all of his hopes and dreams were being held in that green cocoon waiting to fly away into the sun and everything got squished and killed by someone else's careless actions. 

i feel like a caterpillar in a chrysalis: not safe and snug, cocooned and protected. i feel vulnerable and unsafe and easily squishable. 

but the thing about change is that it is going to happen whether we want to or not, and whether we like it or not. 

AG said to me today, "i guess the best thing about butterflies is they don't have to choose it. it comes naturally. amazingly enough."

wise words to ponder today, as i am cocooned in my duvet wanting to stay here on the couch forever. 

xoxo

...

(images from google images https://www.google.ca/search?q=monarch+butterflies&rlz=1C1SNNT_enCA410CA411&espv=210&es_sm=93&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=2bjaUvbbBOGh2gXqtoGwBQ&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=666)