changes

so i was beginning to think that over the last 2 years i haven't really made any changes. that i trudge along throughout my day and do the same things, behave the same way, react the same way ... i felt like i was a caterpillar stuck at that stage of my life, in a cocoon unable to grow wings. 

... nosy nora asked me if i noticed any changes and i said not really. then she listed the changes ...

... i am no longer addicted to nortriptyline or what nosy nora and i call "the yellow pills." i don't take them. i don't obsess over them. 

... i no longer abuse sedatives. i don't crave them. i don't think about them and long for them. 

... i say "no" more often. and i am aware of doing things that i don't want to do, and at times i don't do them. AG reminds me that i am an adult and i don't have to do anything i don't want to do. 

... i no longer binge. if i start to binge, i am able to stop myself in the moment and question why i am bingeing. and i am able to stop the cycle. 

... i no longer purge. even when i really, really have the urge to throw up, i have strategies and coping skills that i didn't have before. 

... i am able to feel my feelings and am no longer numb to my emotions. 

those are some pretty major changes. and here i thought i wasn't doing the work to change my life. i still have many more things that i want to work on. i am still struggling with depression and anxiety. but in the grand scheme of things, i am doing pretty damn well. so maybe i am a butterfly now. 

think about your life over the last few years. what changes have you made?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

thunder

we all need thunder in our lives. 

thunder is loud 
and we feel can feel it physically rumble through us. 

thunder is the noise of the impressive lightening. 

Where does thunder go when it dies?” ― Ray Bradbury

thunder is the impetus for change in your life. 

thunder storms rip through the night, like change can rip through your life. 

“I hate it when storm clouds roll in, heralded by dazzling claps of thunder and lightning that boast an ocean of tears. This majestic performance of bad temper manages to overshadow my pathetic attempts at pouting. No one broods like Mother Nature, hence she steals all the attention I was sulking after.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

"no one broods like mother nature" ... let me tell you, i can brood and grump and be grubly and grosh like mother nature. i can thunder with the best of them. my bad temper and grubly mood doesn't knock over trees or knock out the electricity thankfully. 

“Only one thing that you can see and hear that is beautiful and frightening at the same time, and that is a thunder storm.” ― R.K. Cowles

thunder shakes the house tonight as the rain pours down on the skylight, drowning out the noise of the night. thunder is rolling through the city. 

It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.Frederick Douglass

we need the thunder to wake us up sometimes. we need to be shaken out of our complacency. we need to feel the power of the storm in our lives in order to find our footing. 

sometimes we need the rug pulled out from under us in order to discover the potential in our lives. 

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.Mark Twain

the light inside of you shines through the thunder around you. lightening is the awesome power behind the thunder. and you have an awesome power inside of you, despite what changes are happening in your life. 

i have written several times that i hate change. i rail against change like thunder rails against the stillness and silence of the night. 

but nosy nora pointed out that i have spent the last 2 years in therapy making changes to myself and my life. 

changes that i am choosing to make. 

so change isn't all bad. 

even when it comes thundering in when you get a new boss who thunders through the halls making unwanted changes. 

even when it comes thundering in with the dissolution of a friendship or a relationship. 

change is what moves us forward in life. 

change isn't all bad. and you can quote me on that. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes and fear

a few months ago, i wrote a blog post about changes. http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/changes.html advising that change can be good. 

well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet. 

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)

i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe. 

“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.” 
― Lemony Snicket

my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing. 

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....” 
― Erica Jong

turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue. 

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.” 
― Shel Silverstein

it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn. 

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.” 
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change. 

so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

baby steps

change is hard. 

and it doesn't happen all at once. 

i often make the mistake of trying to make a bunch of changes all at once which is setting myself up for failure ... which is inevitable ... 

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein

i need to change my thinking about changing. i need to stop trying to make all these giant shifts all at once. small steps each day is the only way to make effective changes. 

for example, tonight i added broccoli to dinner. that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is. broccoli and carrots. tomorrow i plan to drink a glass of water. just one. i never drink water. mostly because i have to pee all the time and i know that drinking water will make it a hundred times worse. but tomorrow my baby step will be to drink a glass of water. 

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol

i could sit around and wait for my life to change. i could get up tomorrow and eat only healthy foods, drink lots of water, work-out for an hour and a half ... i could do all that ... but i wont do it again the next day. changing yourself means being realistic and making small steps. 

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

my current state is not nurturing. i am not happy with my life the way it is right now. there are things that i need to make different. and i need to acknowledge that it is hard. 

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

we only have one life, and we only have one self. altering our lives means altering ourselves. we need to adapt ourselves to be our best selves. and this means taking baby steps towards greatness. this means pushing through, and pushing past what we think we cannot achieve. 

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” ― Madonna

who knew i would offer advice from madonna. but it's good advice. becoming a better version of yourself is possible. it is not out of reach. but not by making giant changes all at once. 

“How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the whole day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day.” ― Anne Frank

now anne frank, that's more my style of offering wisdom. 

each night when i lay in bed, i make it a point to go over my day and consider the good and the bad. i then follow zed's example and i think about the people in my life and my wishes for them. and in the morning, i endeavor to do better.  

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ― Carl R. Rogers

geneen roth said, you are not a problem to be solved. that is a very difficult thing to hear and believe. but making changes doesn't mean that you are broken or worthless. it simply means that you want more for yourself. that you deserve better than the life that you are living. that you deserve more. that you deserve to experience enoughness. 
(see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/enoughness.html) 

“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

remaking ourselves IS possible. it isn't easy. but nothing worthwhile is easy. altering habits isn't easy, but it can be done one day at a time. it's the belief in ourselves that needs to change.

believe in yourself and your ability to be great. believe in your ability that you are enough. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'. - Bob Dylan

i hate change. there aren't enough words to explain how uncomfortable change makes me. and yet, change is constantly happening. good changes, bad changes, neutral changes. i hate them all. 

this post is for all the people in my life being forced to change. especially LAC (... yes you, i'm talking about you ...) who is moving on to greener pastures whether she wants to or not, whether she is willing to admit that they are greener or not ...

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” 
― Mary Shelley

we navigate our way through the world in the safety of what we know ... what we are used to ... what is comfortable. the idea of something new and different is scary to us. we fear what we don't know. we doubt ourselves and our abilities. in the midst of change, we forget that we always have options. we externalize our worth rather than looking within - we define ourselves by what job we have, how much money we make, what we own, and how we are seen. real change means accepting that who we are matters more than what we are. the truth is that we cling to what we know for fear of losing what we have; for fear of losing ourselves in what we don't know. 

there is one fact that we often forget: we take ourselves with us wherever we go. you can't leave yourself behind no matter how many changes you make (or are forced into making).

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan

change is discomfort. change is facing the unknown. sometimes facing your fears. this can be really scary, and it can also be really exciting. everything is in a constant state of change. nothing stagnates. 

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” 
― Stephen Chbosky

life doesn't stop. for anybody. for anything. the world turns whether we stand still and cry or run around in circles screaming about the changes that we don't want to happen. people grow, people change, people move on. and we have to keep living. 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” 
― Lao Tzu

the world is in a constant state of change. life is full of cycles, but things don't cycle back in exactly the same way. the flowers come back after the winter, but they aren't the same flowers. they are new flowers from the same bulbs. 

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

throw yourself ... it is time to embrace change - as much as we drag our feet and stagnate in what we know, the world is in a constant state of change. it is the one thing that we can count on. captain stressy pants says that the world would be boring without change. that doesn't make me hate it any less. but i am willing to throw myself, to be open to possibilities that come with changes. 

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan


“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

sometimes staying in the position that we are in means staying in a situation that is not good for us. sometimes we think that we are happy because we have been here for so long that we think this is what happiness is. and then, surprisingly, things in the new place are better and we discover that the change was a good thing. 

LAC, i have a message for you:

“You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

we get so used to what we know, that even when what we know is unhealthy we want to stay. you don't know what is out there. you don't know how good other people have it because we, you AND i, have been here in this place for so long. we call it home. we call it family. and family doesn't stop being family just because you move away. we will always been family. this will always be a second home. and you are going to find joy in the new place with the new people and with children who WANT to learn. 

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

- Bob Dylan

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

i hate change. and i am trying to embrace it. i am trying to get used to the idea of my friends leaving my school, of nosy nora moving her office, of the furniture in my living room being rearranged, of driving a rental car instead of my own, of meeting with a new doctor today and another new doctor in a few weeks ... i am trying to embrace the changes within my self. i am trying to get used to the idea of saying what i think, of expressing my feelings, of allowing myself to HAVE feelings, of allowing myself to FEEL those emotions, of standing up for myself ...

change isn't all bad. even the hard change has a purpose. and besides ...


“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” 
― Margaret Mead

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
...

fierce love

i saw this post by geneen roth today and thought about myself, about my metamorphosis. i think that i have come out of my cocoon a butterfly. my wings are still wet, so i can't fly. but i will get there. 

my struggle with food and eating is the moisture on my wings. 

"a fierce kind of love for yourself." 

to love myself fiercely. 

to believe that it is possible to change. to become a butterfly. to believe that i could be at peace with food and with eating. to believe that i could be at peace. 

love yourself fiercely, 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Maslow

"In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety." - Maslow

i feel like i spend my moments stepping forwards and then backwards again, afraid of change. afraid of becoming a butterfly. i think i am the hungry caterpillar content to munch my way through all the leaves and fruit not worrying about when to spin my cocoon. like i went into a cocoon and came out still a caterpillar. 

stepping into growth is scary. terrifying in fact. and no one can do it alone. nosy nora says we all need each other. it's hard to accept that need sometimes. hard to accept that i'm not superwoman.

dr g. said that moods are like the stock market. that there are ups and downs and sometimes little blips. and that you have to look at the overall ongoing mood - rather than focusing on the downward blips. but man it's hard when you're in the middle of a blip. 

choosing to step into growth while in a downward blip is rather tricky. the step back into safety feels better - even when that safety feels bad. growth and change means stepping into the unknown and that is uncomfortable. 

you can also look at moods in relation to maslow's hierarchy of needs: this five stage model can be seen in the pyramid below. regardless of all the criticism of his theory, i think that it is important to look at the ways in which needs affect your ability to function. worrying about self-esteem and self-actualization when you don't have enough food to eat, or shelter ... well that seems rather difficult. 

"Any thwarting or possibility of thwarting of these basic human goals, or danger to the defenses which protect them, or to the conditions upon which they rest, is considered to be a psychological threat." - Maslow

you can't self actualize when you're working on esteem. and you can't meet your need for love if you are busy meeting your need for basic necessities like food and shelter. 

"Human needs arrange themselves in hierarchies of pre-potency. That is to say, the appearance of one need usually rests on the prior satisfaction of another, more pre-potent need. Man is a perpetually wanting animal. Also no need or drive can be treated as if it were isolated or discrete; every drive is related to the state of satisfaction or dissatisfaction of other drives." - Maslow

so lets think about moods like the pyramid too, with different levels of contentness and enoughness. 

in the case of my moods, the necessities like getting out of bed, eating breakfast, and going to work every day affect my ability to reach a higher level on the mood pyramid. this cymbalta chart is sort of what i am referring to. one day i will figure out how to create and insert my own drawings into my blog. in the meanwhile, this will have to do. 

being stuck in melancholy makes daily tasks a challenge. it makes thinking about life a challenge. unlike maslow's pyramid, the top of the mood pyramid also poses challenges and risks. ecstasy and mania make it difficult to make good choices because you feel invincible. 

now let's look at moods like the stock market like dr. g suggested. 

moods go up and down, and are often affected by external circumstances. the overall trend is what we need to be looking at when it comes to mood. 

how are your moods? have you ever kept a chart? do you pay attention to what brings you ups and downs? try it. and let me know how it goes. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

butterfly wings

my blog is doing better than i ever expected. 

Pageviews today

69

Pageviews yesterday

56

Pageviews all time history

11,046

those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people. 

today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me. 

how will i know?  

“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.” 

― Haruki Murakami

in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.

maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature. 

change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...

 in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before  i try to fly.

going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be. 

that was complicated ... 

going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself. 

as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.

sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply. 

i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

spring thoughts

my spring thoughts

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

i wanted to spend a bit of time this weekend talking about the renewal of spring. now is the time when the days are longer, the evenings are brighter, the temperature is theoretically warmer ... the flowers are starting to make their way through the cold hard earth and blooming. 

it makes me think about all the changes that i am making in my life. 

and all the changes i hope that you are making too.

i have been thinking a lot about eating and my disordered eating. and about body image in general. 

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.” 

― Marya Hornbacher,

where do our ideas and our ideals come from? before the diet industry, being plump meant being healthy because it meant that you had enough food to eat. 

it's time to start thinking about all the things that i am, instead of all the things that i am not. i am "not a problem to be solved." 

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.” 

― Geneen Roth

i am precious. i am worthy. i am enough. i am deserving ... if i tell myself those things over and over, maybe i will start to believe them. 

“What if I'm so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive?” ― Amy Reed

disordered eating affects every part of my life. right now, for example, i KNOW that i am not hungry. that i can't possibly be hungry. that i have eaten more than enough food. and yet, all i want is to go into the kitchen and find something to eat. for no real reason other than i feel like something is missing. there are other times where i convince myself that i don't need to eat at all. that i can make it through the day on an apple and a lot of tea. it's very confusing to determine which kind of day it is. 

“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.” ― Naomi Wolf

growing up, i was encouraged to be thin. by my parents, by my extended family, by my dance teachers, by the media, by society ... being thin meant being successful and being enough. being thin meant being accepted. and as my medical conditions (PCOS and hypothyroidism) caused me to gain weight, i began to feel more and more anxious and less and less worthy. 

at age 3, i started ballet and i was taught to suck in my stomach. i haven't let it out since then. 

what screws us up most is what other people expect our life is supposed to be. especially our early childhood expectations. what we learn then is what sets us up for the rest of our lives. it is the unlearning that is most important. 

i don't want to regret not taking advantage of opportunities that life throws my way. as much as i want to continue the patterns that have served me well for so many years ... the familiar patterns that have plagued me for so many years ... it's time for a change. it's time for renewal, and rejuvenation. it is time to refresh my life. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

(dis)comfort

comfort: the familiar, what i know, routine, driving the same route every day, my couch, a blanket, anne of green gables ...

discomfort: change, telling people how i feel, taking care of myself, putting my needs first ...

comfort zone: a space of being in which risks are not taken, and anxiety is low ... 

i have been stepping out of my comfort zone over the last year; allowing myself to FEEL, to connect, to find a sense of belonging, and to BE. i thought that i was content to be numb and guarded, keeping my stories and my truths to mySelf. but as AG likes to say, "and how is that working for you?" i wasn't happy. i wasn't healthy. and i was stuck. 

stepping out of my comfort zone means finding comfort in other ways - in safer, healthier ways. it means allowing the discomfort of trying something new. 

there is a (dis)comfort involved in the newness of owning my stories, of speaking my truth, of opening up, of telling people how i feel, or writing this candid blog ...  there is the freeing feeling of owning my story and telling it. there is the terrifying feeling of not knowing how my story will be received. 

i was stuck as a caterpillar before. munching away on the same leaves, day in and day out, afraid to spin my chrysalis. afraid of the (dis)comfort of both sameness and of change. 

now ... i can feel my wings growing ... little itty bitty wings, making their way out of me with each change that i make in my life. growing stronger with each story and truth that i own and tell. 

try a bit of discomfort, and be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...