Anxious Martha

Solitude. 

It doesn't have to be lonely. I am sitting on the porch at the cottage listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the shoreline and trying to convince myself that it is enjoyable to be alone. 

Sometimes being alone is great. Time to think. Time to recharge. Time to reflect, rejuvenate ... Other times it's just lonely. 

The truth is, I keep thinking about my anxiety. 

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."

Charles Spurgeon

I have named my anxiety Martha. 

Martha is a 75 year old plump old woman who likes to knit in her rocking chair. She likes to nag and harp on the same topic repeatedly. Her current obsession is money and the lack of it. She worries constantly about how to spend money and how to save it. But she's not helpful. She just nags. 

Martha is smart and knows how to scare me. She whispers all day long until she convinces me that the car is going to explode, or some such nonsense. And even though I KNOW it not to be true, I can't help but listen to her. 

Martha is bossy too. She tells me not to do things like go out to parties or try new things. 

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

Soren Kierkegaard

I am trying to think of ways to send Martha away when she gets persistent. I've tried talking to her. But seeing as she is my anxiety and not an actual person, sometimes that feels really dumb. But I keep telling her she isn't welcome. That she wasn't invited to the party, I was. She wasn't asked out to coffee, I was. 

"I think anxiety is dangerous, but it makes you think it's your friend."

Noah Baumbach

If you could name your anxiety, what would its name be? What would its personality be? And how would you tell it to leave you alone? 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

finding your people

finding your people matters. 

more than anything else in the world. 

yesterday was my first day back to work after 5 weeks at home. everyone was very kind and welcoming and didn't ask questions about why i was away. 

but i was asked "how are you?" ... a LOT. and my answer was always "i'm fine" or "i'm good." even though it isn't true. 

when people ask "how are you?" they aren't really asking. they are just being polite. it's just something that you say. sometimes you don't even wait for an answer. 

and until you find the people who genuinely want to know how you are, you will continue to feel alone. finding the people who are supportive, and compassionate, makes you feel less alone in the world. 

"friendship is born at that moment when one [man] says to another: "what! you too? i thought that no one but myself ..." - C.S.Lewis

depression isn't something that you can just wait out. it sucks your energy, it messes with your mind, it makes you feel like you are all alone in the world and that no one understands. 

brene brown wrote: "when we're looking for compassion, it's about connecting with the right person at the right time about the right issue." 

not everyone is the right person to lean on during the bad periods of your depression. 

there are many people who will respond with "get over it" or "aren't you better yet?" or who will expect you to just suck it up and carry on. 

there are many people who just don't understand why you can't get out of bed. why you can't just get off the couch. why you can't just do the things that need to get done, and get out of the house. 

and there are also many people, if you look closely, who understand. who have been there. who know that getting out of bed might be the one thing you can accomplish in a day. there are people out there who can listen to your story and who can hold your wounds with you. 

"a friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." - Elbert Hubbard

reaching out is really challenging, because you don't know what you are going to get. 

this post is for PP who is admitting that she is not okay. this post is for PP who is looking for support, who is reaching out, and not wanting to go through this alone. 

you are not alone. finding the right people is a challenge. but we are out here, in cyberspace, in your community, and in the real world. 

don't be alone. reach out to us. we are your people.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?""Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you." - A.A. Milne. 

you can be sure of me.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...