friendship and support

i was never the kind of person who reached out for support. i was the kind of person who tucked away my troubles and pretended to the world that everything was fine. 

i was too busy taking care of everyone else and didn't have the time or energy to take care of myself. so i let my health go. i let my body go. i pushed all my emotions down inside of me and buried them tightly in the bottom of my heart, so that my heart became filled with hairline fractures. which are harder to mend than a deep single crack. 

but over the past few years i have been seeking support and finding true friendships. and discovered that, as nosy nora says, we all need each other. 

“A fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken. Fortunately, something else happens to you and me. Pick up your pieces. Then, help me gather mine.” 
― Vera Nazarian

being able to reach out for support hasn't been easy for me. it made (makes) me feel weak, and needy, and clingy. it makes me feel like i am not strong enough to face up to the world. but i am discovering that people are there to pick up your pieces and help put you back together. no one is humpty dumpty. it doesn't take all the king's horses or all the king's men to mend a broken heart, or to support a friend. (on a side note, do you realize that there is nothing in the humpty dumpty poem that says he is an egg? where did that image come from? i looked it up and wikipedia has several theories but nothing proven. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpty_Dumpty) picking up the pieces isn't something that you need to do on your own. the world is full of supportive people who are there to help with the shards of your life. 

“Support and encouragement are found in the most unlikely places.” 
― Raquel Cepeda

what i have discovered through this process is that support can come from places you never expected. an online support group, for example, has been a place for me to share my stories with people who understand. and these strangers offer me strength and guidance in ways i never thought possible. 

my emotional growth through this experience of writing a blog has been tantamount to a miracle. in a million years i never would have thought that his little blog would reach 25,000 page views. that strangers would email me to thank me for my writing. that friends would read my posts and tell me that they connect to my stories. being able to write about my life, my struggles, my heart ache, my successes, my happiness, my sadness, my weaknesses and my strengths ... being able to write about my life gives me strength. it makes me stronger to know that i am putting myself out there. even if it is anonymously published for my own protection - i'm not impervious to pain or embarrassment you know. 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” 
― C.S. Lewis

i have also discovered that people have way more in common with each other than we first believe. we live with such shame and secrecy and privacy and the inability to share our stories. and it turns out that there are people in my life who have been on similar paths. and we can connect with each other and support each other in ways that no one else can. 

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

i learned through this process of wanting to take care of myself, that you have to ask for help. and when you do, you actually get it. 

what what? 

no, really. when you ask someone to help you, they actually do. when you reach out for support you actually get support. ok, not from everyone. some people are selfish assholes and you can't change that. they aren't worth your emotional energy. but most people? most people will give you the support that you need. 

“There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


there are some stories that no one else can understand unless they have lived that truth. and those are the people whose support can surprise you. unless you share your stories, you'll never know that there are people out there who can relate ... who can commiserate ... who truly understand. knocking out a mountain troll doesn't have to be the only way that you make friendships. but sharing your truth is one way to be sure that those friendships are genuine and are built on truth and understanding. 

i am so very lucky to have a fabulous partner who loves me, adores me, and supports me. i am appreciative and grateful for the people in my life who offer me friendship and support.  i am fortunate to have a fantastic therapist with whom i can share my stories and my emotional tornadoes. i would list the people that i have gratitude for ... but i know that i would forget someone. so if you are someone that i have turned to for emotional support, or for a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or advice, or just a helping hand ... i thank you for being there. you know who you are. 

and in closing ...

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 
― Linda Grayson

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
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friendship

i have no reached over 20,000 page views on my website. it's hard for me to believe that many people have viewed my site. 

i have so much that i want to write about and share with the world. and it's so exciting to see that people from all over the world have visited my site. 

today i want to talk about friendships and how they ebb and flow. 

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.Alice Walker

friends are the most important thing in life. friends are there for you and don't crush your dreams. friends are there to support you as you change and grow. over time sometimes friendships fade and people move in and out of each other's lives. it's a sad fact of life. 


True friendship is like a rose: we don’t realize its beauty until it fades.Evelyn Loeb

sometimes we don't know what we had until it is gone. there are times when you just grow apart from your friendship. and other times when something comes between you. 

Oh, sometimes I think it is of no use to make friends. They only go out of your life after awhile and leave a hurt that is worse than the emptiness before they came.L.M. Montgomery

losing a friend is hard and sad and heartbreaking. it leaves you broken in a way that can't be healed. there are holes in my heart from friends who have drifted away. sometimes people change and grow apart from each other. it happens. and it's sad. 

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.Unkown

fighting with a friend is the worst. because you can't kiss and make up. but disagreeing is part of life. and finding ways to fight in a healthy way is part of relationships. 


Cutting people out of your life is easy, keeping them in is hard.Walter Dean Myers

i have lost more friends than i can count. 

for some reason, people decide not to like me anymore. one day they are my friend and then suddenly they aren't. it has happened time and time again. it started in high school. there was a group of us who were best friends. we did everything together. and then one of them decided that she didn't like me. and she convinced the rest of the group not to like me anymore. so they all stopped talking to me and didn't include me in anything anymore. 

it broke my heart. 

and it happened more than once in high school and in university. 

it even happened to me as an adult. one day R was one of my closest friends. for a few years. and then i turned my back on her once in a meeting to speak to someone else. and that was it. poof. end of friendship. she hasn't spoken to me since then. 8 years later i don't miss her friendship at all. 

other friendships i miss. G was my best friend in university. we shared everything. and when we moved away, we remained good friends. we talked all the time and visited each other. i flew to ottawa from halifax to see her. and then over time we drifted away from each other. and it hurts. 

friends come and go in our lives. 

and then there are the friends who will always be there no matter how much time passes between when you see them. there are people who i rarely see but still consider to be my closest friends. 

treasure your friends. hold them close. treat your friends the way that you want them to treat you. be kind to them. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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cousins

In my cousin, I find a second self.

Isabel Norton

i want to write about my cousins. i have a large number of them. and some of them are the best friends i have ever had. 

many people that i know only have one or two cousins. or they are not close to their cousins. or they never even talk to them. this is so foreign. to me, a "cousin" is your closest relation. you can't get any closer than a cousin, in my humble opinion ...

so i want to write about how i experience cousins ...

A cousin is a sister you never had

Anonymous

CP is my cousin, my friend, my confidant, and my other half. we were inseparable for many years, growing up together, playing in the basement, writing in our diaries, making secret codes, talking on the phone for hours ...

A cousin is the one who is already there doing it when everyone else is saying is there anything I can do?

Anonymous

in my family, cousins know what needs to be done. when there is a death, the food starts to be prepared, the cousins show up and start to organize. there is no need to ask for help, it has already been offered - whether you know you need the help or not. 

A cousin is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.Anonymous

most of my childhood memories involve cousins. D and the red plastic shoe incident, campfires at the cottage, swimming to the raft, walking through the woods, visiting the cemetery in the dark, making easter bunny cupcakes, taking care of babies, and most of all, having someone to talk to. BH singing wacky made-up songs on the danforth, making snow homes for plastic bunnies, and watching little rascals on sunday mornings.

A cousin is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.Anonymous

cousins know your secrets and stay. cousins know you at your lowest and are there to pick you up. 

Cousins by blood – friends by choice.Darlene Shaw

as we have gotten older, cousins have formed friendships. i don't have to talk to my cousins. we could spend the rest of our lives never seeing each other. but i choose to be friends with CP and with D and with BH. i choose to share my life with them. i choose them, not because they are my cousins, but because of our history. 

“Nobody will understand the craziness of your family better than your cousins”

you don't have to explain anything to your cousins. they get it. they've been there. they know that christmas dinner requires kinder eggs. they know that your elderly aunt will make inappropriate unfiltered comments and will need a drive home. they know who pushes your buttons and why and they know how to run interference. 

“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the cousins together.” ~ Woodrow Wilson

despite the large number of us, we could easily drift apart. it is our love and friendship that holds us cousins together. the laughter. the shared memories. the shared knowledge of the woodstove at the cottage and how to light it. the fact that the porch light was always on in case someone unexpected arrived in the middle of the night. 

and finally ...

“Cousins are like Bras… close to the heart and always there for support.”

be kind to yourself, and to your cousins ...

xoxo

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gigi

today i was given a gift. 

i was given a baggie with folded up letters in it. old letters. 19 year old letters. letters from my friend gigi who this blog is named after. letters and poems from my best friend who died when we were 18. 

getting these letters and reading them was like getting a piece of her back. 

i forgot how sardonic and sarcastic she was. i forgot how passion about social justice she was. i forgot how funny she was. i forgot the mundane things we talked about like English projects and hockey games. 

i wanted to share with you a couple of her poems. because i want to share a piece of her with you. here are her poems: 

So what?

Just because your heart is pumping doesn’t mean you’re living,

Just because you’ve made a lot of money doesn’t mean you’re successful,

Just because you give to charity doesn’t mean you’re generous,

Just because you’ve got a degree doesn’t mean you’re intelligent,

Just because you have everything you’ve ever wanted doesn’t mean you’re happy,

Just because someone says you’re better than mean doesn’t mean I should respect you,

Don’t try to buy me with your wallet, money hass no lasting value.

Don’t try to buy me with your superficial flattery, I can see right through it anyway.

Don’t try to make me jealous of your riches, I’m rich, I just dion’t have any money.

Don’t try to make me look uneducatied, there are some things you’’ll never learn in school.

Don’t try to tell me I can’t change the world, jjust watch and learn.

By Gigi

Friday may 13, 1994

The train moves forward

Travelling towards my dreams

I am left behind

When small

Tense, hunched over

Paper and pressing

Hard and carefully

To make words

Letters precise and deep

Within the page

Grammar corrected and

Stressed constantly

Unrelenting, ruthless

And then

Letters perfected

Personal style perfected

(big letters and circles over the “i”s)

Grammer perfected and enforced

And then

Rejection

            Messy scrawls written hurriedly

            Punctuation forgotten or ignored

            Incorrect grammar, rules scorned,

            Mocked; too rigid for

            Real expression

And then

For always

By Gigi

November 7, 1995

this is the last thing she ever wrote. she wrote it on the subway on the way to the party where she died:

Sunday, December 31, 1995

365 days in the year

5 hours left now

Somewhere in the world

It’s already

Next year

But not yet

Here

1996

The year of my graduation

I hope

And then?

New years eve

Is always a night

Of contemplation

Wondering

About accomplishments

Failures

Dreams

And unwanted realities

Life has too many variables

Or not enough

And what will 1996 bring?

What will tomorrow bring?

Tonight?

Is there merit in trying to guess

Or second guess?

And what are we counting down to?

Another ten seconds of our

Life go by

As we look to the next year,

Which will come if we

Watch the parties on T.V. or not.

A funny thing about those

Televised countdowns,

One station tells you

5 seconds left,

The other tells you 7.

Does it even matter?

i want to leave you with this poem about the light inside of us and how we can change the world. that's all she wanted to do; change the world. and change it she did. she changed me. she changed everyone she touched. and her light shines on inside those who loved her. be kind to yourself, and let your light shine ...

Personal light

Each of us has our own little light inside

And after we die various things can happen to that light:

Some lights fade away into the darkness and nobody notices or cares about the loss of their light

Some lights shine brightly, but nobody wants or needs their light and some

Even despise the suffering the light brings

Other lights shine with a loving glow that encompasses all

Anyone who has ever felt the warmth of these beams keep a little glimmer of

Them with them wherever they go

These lights remain brilliant and everlasting

Every person chooses which light will shine within themselves and the type

Of light that will shine after them

(you can) light up the world (forever)

By Gigi

Saturday June 11, 1994

grateful for friendships

i have been wanting, for a long time, to write a post thanking people for being my friends. but i am so worried that i will forget someone, that i am not going to name any specific friends, and instead i am going to say ... you know who you are. 

having friends that you can have open conversations with is the most important thing in the world. there is nothing better than the relief of sharing your story with a friend who doesn't judge. 

thank you to the friends who listen to me without judgement. it took a very long time, many many many years, for me to find you, and i appreciate you very much. 

having someone just listen to me, or even just be there when i am down is an amazing thing. i spent so much of my life feeling alone, and now i have an incredible group of friends who have stuck by me throughout everything i throw at them. 

when i was starting grade 9, i had a goal to make friends with every single student in the entire school. 500 friends. that was my plan. but getting to know everyone meant not truly getting to know anyone. i am incredibly lucky that over the last 10 years, i have developed incredible friendships that are true, meaningful, important, and unlike anything i have ever experienced before. 

my friends are my family. they are the people that i turn to for love, support, and understanding. and i hope that i am to them what they are to me. and then there are the family members who have become true friends.

there was a long period of my life where i felt very lonely, and very alone. and it took a lot of encouragement for me to reach out to people to make friends. and since then, my corner of the forest has become very crowded and lovely. and i will even venture to other parts of the forest. 

there's the friend who is there to tell me to stop beating myself up, the one who gives me pragmatic advice when i am sure the sky is falling, the one who listens and says "yeah, that sucks dude," the one who gives me hugs and cuddles, the one who sends me cyber hugs, the friend who knows when to make a smart ass comment to make me laugh, the one who will meet me at the very same restaurant every time partly because it's delicious and partly because i know how to get there and where to park, the friend who knows when to side with me and when to play devil's advocate, the friend who listens without judgement, the one who is there at 3am when i can't sleep and neither can she ... i could go on and on about my amazing friends. but since most of you are reading this, i am simply going to say thank you for being my friend. 

and finally, you know who you are ... 

be kind to yourself, and to your friends, 

xoxo

ps. This post on brene brown's website is awesome:
http://brenebrown.com/2014/04/08/daring-interview-series-meet-gavin-aung/

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Your life under a microscope

lately i have been obsessed with butterflies. this means that i notice them wherever i go. it also means that people point out butterflies to me when they see them. (See these previous posts re: butterflies: click here, click here, click here, click here)

http://distractify.com/geek/butterflies-are-natures-gems-but-wait-until-you-see-what-their-wings-look-like-under-a-microscope/

today, SC sent me these photos of butterfly wings seen under a microscope. they are really cool. so i decided to share them here with my readers. aren't they gorgeous? i love science! 

the photos made me think about how my life has been under a microscope lately. visiting with various doctors and specialists, my regular therapy appointments, debriefing all these appointments with my friends, and even writing this blog ... 

... each part of my life is being questioned, discussed, examined. 

i spend a great deal of time in my head, thinking about every little thing that has happened to me. looking at the tiny details. exploring what those details mean. while it is important, and enlightening ...

... it can feel very exposing to have your life under a microscope. each doctor wants to know the details. each doctor asks hard questions. questions that, through therapy, i have answers for, but don't know if i want to share these answers with a stranger. and other answers, i don't have yet and maybe never will. 

each day i am faced with another memory from my life. another mean thing that was said to me. another mean thing that was done to me. another way that i was hurt, and wounded. another scar that i thought had healed. each day i examine my life under a microscope. 

it's time to see the big picture ... to step back from examining every detail of your life. 

my life is actually pretty awesome. i have a great job that i love. i have a fabulous partner, SC,  who loves me as deeply as i love her. i have an incredible group of friends who are actually there for me, in ways that i have never experienced before. i have people who care about me, and worry about me, and want me to be well and successful and happy. i have nosy nora in my corner, having my back. i have all those people loving me. i have a house to live in, food to eat, and i am relatively healthy. 

depression and anxiety makes life feel challening. childhood events, memories, trauma ... they make life difficult as well. and those experiences are real, and hard. and at the same time, there are many things in my life right now that are wonderful.

find ways to "get out of your head" as AG likes to tell me. nosy nora says watch a funny show like "modern family." or, you could read a book, go for a walk, play games with friends, go for a coffee date, write, sing, play, talk, nap, and give yourself a break from the hard stuff. take time to enjoy the NOW stuff. 

be kind to yourself,

ps ... tee hee hee ... a funny for your day ...

xoxo

...

finding your people

finding your people matters. 

more than anything else in the world. 

yesterday was my first day back to work after 5 weeks at home. everyone was very kind and welcoming and didn't ask questions about why i was away. 

but i was asked "how are you?" ... a LOT. and my answer was always "i'm fine" or "i'm good." even though it isn't true. 

when people ask "how are you?" they aren't really asking. they are just being polite. it's just something that you say. sometimes you don't even wait for an answer. 

and until you find the people who genuinely want to know how you are, you will continue to feel alone. finding the people who are supportive, and compassionate, makes you feel less alone in the world. 

"friendship is born at that moment when one [man] says to another: "what! you too? i thought that no one but myself ..." - C.S.Lewis

depression isn't something that you can just wait out. it sucks your energy, it messes with your mind, it makes you feel like you are all alone in the world and that no one understands. 

brene brown wrote: "when we're looking for compassion, it's about connecting with the right person at the right time about the right issue." 

not everyone is the right person to lean on during the bad periods of your depression. 

there are many people who will respond with "get over it" or "aren't you better yet?" or who will expect you to just suck it up and carry on. 

there are many people who just don't understand why you can't get out of bed. why you can't just get off the couch. why you can't just do the things that need to get done, and get out of the house. 

and there are also many people, if you look closely, who understand. who have been there. who know that getting out of bed might be the one thing you can accomplish in a day. there are people out there who can listen to your story and who can hold your wounds with you. 

"a friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." - Elbert Hubbard

reaching out is really challenging, because you don't know what you are going to get. 

this post is for PP who is admitting that she is not okay. this post is for PP who is looking for support, who is reaching out, and not wanting to go through this alone. 

you are not alone. finding the right people is a challenge. but we are out here, in cyberspace, in your community, and in the real world. 

don't be alone. reach out to us. we are your people.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?""Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you." - A.A. Milne. 

you can be sure of me.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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