things don't always go as planned.
i am a planner. i think things through. i am prepared. i am organized.
yesterday i was supposed to see a movie and instead ended up with a flat tire.
today i imagined (worried and stressed about) that i planned to spend the entire day waiting for my tire to get fixed and the mechanic ended up fixing it within an hour.
nosy nora suggested that i spend my time worrying about things in place of other things. as in, i worry about my car getting a flat tire instead of worrying about important and reasonable things. instead of admitting to myself what i am actually worrying about. i fill my brain with worries that are slightly ridiculous, or at least unimportant.
today, for example, while talking to nosy nora i was completely distracted thinking about where i parked my car. why? because i had to go in a different entrance and parked in a different spot and was completely convinced that i wasn't going to be able to find my way back and if and when i did find my way back to the car i wasn't going to be able to find my way out of the parking lot. so as we were talking, i kept picturing myself driving around the underground garage in circles for an hour trying to find the exit.
dude. there are signs that say "exit" and have arrows. and the lot isn't that big.
but i was totally distracted and my heart was racing.
so back to my flat tire. i lost it and had a total and complete meltdown over the tire. it was ridiculous. i couldn't stop crying. over a tire. nosy nora says, "it's just a car." and intellectually i know that. but one of my biggest anxieties is about something happening to my car. so getting a flat tire did me in. i just stood there on the side of the road crying and couldn't stop.
it was so embarrassing.
so the question becomes, what was i really crying about? was it my car? was it my tire? or was that just the tipping point in my stressful life?
what does my anxiety cover up? what space does it replace in my brain.
in case you're wondering, my uncle came and changed my tire to the spare. my aunt made me sugary tea and gave me a long hug. we drove home on the highway very slowly and then i took the car in this morning to the mechanic. the rim was bent and apparently that makes the tire leak. totally don't get it. but i don't need to. that's what mechanics and uncles are for.
another major anxiety of mine is the dentist. i'm terrified that i will go to the dentist, and s/he will clean my teeth and my front tooth will fall out.
crazy.
i know i'm crazy.
i think about it all the time. i am completely convinced that my front tooth is going to fall out. which if i don't get myself to a dentist could actually happen. but i'm too scared to go to the dentist.
PP says that if my tooth falls out at the dentist i would have all sorts of blog stories to tell ...
...
things don't always go the way you expect them to. you can't plan for everything. you can't always be prepared.
my car has a spare tire, jack, and wrench. i worry about flat tires all the time. i was completely prepared to have a flat and had a way to deal with it. i also have CAA (that's like AAA if you're reading this from the states. it's a car service if you're reading this from another country). but i wasn't emotionally prepared for the flat tire. it was completely unexpected.
if we spend our time preparing for the worst, we won't be able to enjoy our lives. you can't plan life. life unfolds. you can't control anything that happens to you or what other people do, think, or feel. the only thing you can control is your reaction to the unexpected. or in my case, the reaction to the reaction.
i need to forgive myself for sobbing about a flat tire. i need to forgive myself for needing my uncle to fix the problem instead of dealing with it myself. and i need to forgive myself for struggling to face the unexpected.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Monday, 15 December 2014
Sunday, 9 November 2014
dealing with anxiety
in the past, i have written about anxiety, worries, and being anxious. today i want to talk about ways to deal with anxiety.
anxiety is a major part of my life. it has been for as long as i can remember. lately, i have been dealing with anxiety by grinding my teeth. i have only had one panic attack in the last month thankfully. but i still get a clenched belly and clenched jaw.
so what is anxiety? it is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. or, as a disorder that causes nervousness, fear, apprehension and worrying.
so what can you do about it? how can you live life when you are constantly in a state of worry and apprehension?
learning relaxation techniques is important. whether that means something like meditation, or simply breathing exercises or muscle relaxation techniques.
another step is to challenge your negative thinking. for me, one of my biggest worries is about my car. i am always sure it is going to blow up, or get a flat tire. so i talk myself through the scenario. will my car blow up? no. cars don't spontaneously explode. they just don't. will i get a flat tire? it could happen. will it kill me? no. i have CAA and can call someone to come and help me. it will suck, but i will be okay. and likely, i wont get a flat tire.
limit your alcohol and caffeine intake. they can make your anxiety worse. (yes, DP, less coffee could be helpful)
get enough sleep. when you are sleep-deprived (as i often am) you are more prone to worry. and when you are in a state of anxiety, you need more rest.
exercise is helpful ... (so i am told repeatedly by nosy nora). something as simple as going for walks can really help to manage your symptoms.
eat foods high in anti-oxidants like blueberries. as well as almonds, dark chocolate, fish (eww), and pumpkin seeds. they supposedly lower the hormones responsible for stress. i don't know if this is true, but there are no negative effects to eating these things, so go for it.
say no. seriously.
say no.
don't get overwhelmed by commitments. we lead such busy lives and we over-commit ourselves. you need to learn your limits and respect yourself enough to enforce them. this might mean staying home on a friday night when all your friends are out having fun. it's okay. you don't have to do everything.
keep a journal that keeps track of when you are anxious and try to identify what you are feeling anxious about. as i type this, i am worrying about how it will be received and i am grinding my teeth. as you journal and discover what is causing your apprehension and fears, you can uncover the things that are within your control. then you can make changes to the situation
there are situations beyond your control. but focus on the things that you CAN change. and then ... change them.
set aside worry time. give yourself an hour each day where you are allowed to worry about everything. you are allowed to stress and freak out and run every situation over and over again in your head. and when the hour is up, you are done. finished. no more worrying allowed. turn it off. think about other things.
another idea from nosy nora is to put in your earphones and listen to happy music, or music that makes you feel good, or music that has positive memories tied to it. and if you feel like it, dance along. it's almost impossible to feel anything but happy when you are dancing along to "sweet home alabama". check out this website on music and memory to further understand how music can connect you to happier and calmer feelings. http://musicandmemory.org/
use positive thoughts to challenge the negative ones. "this is scary but i will be okay." or "this is awful, but i have some strategies to deal with it." i use geneen roth's suggestion of adding "the sky is blue" to my thoughts. it neutralizes the thought by attaching the statement to it. "my car is going to blow up the sky is blue." or "i am never going to get this right i am such an idiot the sky is blue."
there's always meditation and yoga. for those of us gently rounded people, yoga sounds terrifying. i am so anxious about yoga that i have to do it at home using youtube videos instead of going to a class. but it's better than not doing anything at all.
most of all, if anxiety is running your life, seek support from friends and family, and potentially from a health care professional. living with anxiety is really challenging. trust me. it sucks. but there are ways to manage your anxiety and you don't have to do it alone.
and as always,
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
anxiety is a major part of my life. it has been for as long as i can remember. lately, i have been dealing with anxiety by grinding my teeth. i have only had one panic attack in the last month thankfully. but i still get a clenched belly and clenched jaw.
so what is anxiety? it is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. or, as a disorder that causes nervousness, fear, apprehension and worrying.
so what can you do about it? how can you live life when you are constantly in a state of worry and apprehension?
learning relaxation techniques is important. whether that means something like meditation, or simply breathing exercises or muscle relaxation techniques.
another step is to challenge your negative thinking. for me, one of my biggest worries is about my car. i am always sure it is going to blow up, or get a flat tire. so i talk myself through the scenario. will my car blow up? no. cars don't spontaneously explode. they just don't. will i get a flat tire? it could happen. will it kill me? no. i have CAA and can call someone to come and help me. it will suck, but i will be okay. and likely, i wont get a flat tire.
limit your alcohol and caffeine intake. they can make your anxiety worse. (yes, DP, less coffee could be helpful)
get enough sleep. when you are sleep-deprived (as i often am) you are more prone to worry. and when you are in a state of anxiety, you need more rest.
exercise is helpful ... (so i am told repeatedly by nosy nora). something as simple as going for walks can really help to manage your symptoms.
eat foods high in anti-oxidants like blueberries. as well as almonds, dark chocolate, fish (eww), and pumpkin seeds. they supposedly lower the hormones responsible for stress. i don't know if this is true, but there are no negative effects to eating these things, so go for it.
say no. seriously.
say no.
don't get overwhelmed by commitments. we lead such busy lives and we over-commit ourselves. you need to learn your limits and respect yourself enough to enforce them. this might mean staying home on a friday night when all your friends are out having fun. it's okay. you don't have to do everything.
keep a journal that keeps track of when you are anxious and try to identify what you are feeling anxious about. as i type this, i am worrying about how it will be received and i am grinding my teeth. as you journal and discover what is causing your apprehension and fears, you can uncover the things that are within your control. then you can make changes to the situation
there are situations beyond your control. but focus on the things that you CAN change. and then ... change them.
set aside worry time. give yourself an hour each day where you are allowed to worry about everything. you are allowed to stress and freak out and run every situation over and over again in your head. and when the hour is up, you are done. finished. no more worrying allowed. turn it off. think about other things.
another idea from nosy nora is to put in your earphones and listen to happy music, or music that makes you feel good, or music that has positive memories tied to it. and if you feel like it, dance along. it's almost impossible to feel anything but happy when you are dancing along to "sweet home alabama". check out this website on music and memory to further understand how music can connect you to happier and calmer feelings. http://musicandmemory.org/
use positive thoughts to challenge the negative ones. "this is scary but i will be okay." or "this is awful, but i have some strategies to deal with it." i use geneen roth's suggestion of adding "the sky is blue" to my thoughts. it neutralizes the thought by attaching the statement to it. "my car is going to blow up the sky is blue." or "i am never going to get this right i am such an idiot the sky is blue."
there's always meditation and yoga. for those of us gently rounded people, yoga sounds terrifying. i am so anxious about yoga that i have to do it at home using youtube videos instead of going to a class. but it's better than not doing anything at all.
most of all, if anxiety is running your life, seek support from friends and family, and potentially from a health care professional. living with anxiety is really challenging. trust me. it sucks. but there are ways to manage your anxiety and you don't have to do it alone.
and as always,
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Saturday, 13 September 2014
anxious
lately i feel a sense of panic all the time. like something bad is coming. but i don't know what it is.
anxiety has a grip on me.
i can't imagine being free. i can't imagine what it would feel like not to be worrying about something. i wonder what it would feel like?
i want to describe my anxiety. but i am having trouble finding the words.
i disagree with anais nin ... i think that the person feeling the anxiety is the one who feels like they are trying to save a drowning man. anxiety is the man who has a grip on you and you have to decide to let him go in order to save yourself.
anxiety clings to me and pulls me down.
the latest thing that gets to me is commercials for things like cars. i have no idea why. car commercials make my heart start to race. i think it is the idea of making a huge purchase. i have a car. a good car. i've only had it for a year and a half. so i'm not buying a new car. i don't know why i am sent into a panic whenever i see or hear a commercial for cars. did you know there are a zillion car commercials on the radio and television? sheesh.
i feel like i live my life on the verge of "our only hope" as if there is nothing i can do to save myself from whatever is coming. intellectually i know that there is nothing bad coming. but emotionally i am waiting for the next terrible thing to occur.
carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength ... carrying the worries of things that i can't control. i can't control the things that i worry about and i worry about things that are beyond my control. i use up a great deal of energy worrying and feeling anxious. it's exhausting to be honest. no wonder i am so tired all the time.
i know intellectually that worrying doesn't solve any problems. worrying doesn't prepare me for tomorrow. it doesn't help me get through my day. but it certainly occupies my time and occupies my brain power.
i agree that my anxieties are not about "real" problems. but i don't agree that my anxiety is imagined. the constant worrying, the grinding of my teeth, the biting of my nails, the lying awake at night, the wondering ... those aren't imagined. those are real.
i take my nervous energy and i put it into my body; i grind my teeth, i bite the insides of my cheeks, i dig my nails into my cuticles. i direct my anxiety into my body. my heart races, my stomach is in knots, and my palms are often sweaty.
my anxiety is about my fear of what i can't control.
when i get most anxious is when i am faced with something that i can't control, like the reactions of other people, or trying to find a parking spot, or driving somewhere and getting lost.
my biggest fear is that everyone i love will die and leave me alone. i spend a lot of energy worrying about death. the truth is, that everyone WILL die, eventually. so it isn't a completely unrealistic fear. the unrealistic part is how i spend so much time, energy, and fear worrying about it. the anxiety of it eats me up inside and takes up a huge space in my brain.
this is the part of my blog post where i am supposed to give you some piece of advice about anxiety. this is the part where i share some gem ... some wisdom about living your life to the fullest, about how to rid yourself of worries, about how to free yourself from anxiety.
i can't do that this time. this post is about my own struggle, not about how to free yourself from yours. all i can say is,
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
anxiety has a grip on me.
“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” ― Søren Kierkegaard
i can't imagine being free. i can't imagine what it would feel like not to be worrying about something. i wonder what it would feel like?
i want to describe my anxiety. but i am having trouble finding the words.
“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” ― Anaïs Nin
i disagree with anais nin ... i think that the person feeling the anxiety is the one who feels like they are trying to save a drowning man. anxiety is the man who has a grip on you and you have to decide to let him go in order to save yourself.
anxiety clings to me and pulls me down.
the latest thing that gets to me is commercials for things like cars. i have no idea why. car commercials make my heart start to race. i think it is the idea of making a huge purchase. i have a car. a good car. i've only had it for a year and a half. so i'm not buying a new car. i don't know why i am sent into a panic whenever i see or hear a commercial for cars. did you know there are a zillion car commercials on the radio and television? sheesh.
“To hear the phrase "our only hope" always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn't work, there is nothing left.” ― Lemony Snicket
i feel like i live my life on the verge of "our only hope" as if there is nothing i can do to save myself from whatever is coming. intellectually i know that there is nothing bad coming. but emotionally i am waiting for the next terrible thing to occur.
“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom
carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength ... carrying the worries of things that i can't control. i can't control the things that i worry about and i worry about things that are beyond my control. i use up a great deal of energy worrying and feeling anxious. it's exhausting to be honest. no wonder i am so tired all the time.
“Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.” ― Jodi Picoult
i know intellectually that worrying doesn't solve any problems. worrying doesn't prepare me for tomorrow. it doesn't help me get through my day. but it certainly occupies my time and occupies my brain power.
“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus
i agree that my anxieties are not about "real" problems. but i don't agree that my anxiety is imagined. the constant worrying, the grinding of my teeth, the biting of my nails, the lying awake at night, the wondering ... those aren't imagined. those are real.
“But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks, or break a window--maybe rearrange all the furniture.” ― Raymond Carver
i take my nervous energy and i put it into my body; i grind my teeth, i bite the insides of my cheeks, i dig my nails into my cuticles. i direct my anxiety into my body. my heart races, my stomach is in knots, and my palms are often sweaty.
“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ― Khalil Gibran
my anxiety is about my fear of what i can't control.
when i get most anxious is when i am faced with something that i can't control, like the reactions of other people, or trying to find a parking spot, or driving somewhere and getting lost.
“For so many years, I couldn’t understand why every time I thought that someone finally loved me, like… for real, they would eventually turn to vapor. Every person whom I’ve ever loved is trapped inside of my chest. I’ve breathed all of them in so deeply that I’ve nearly choked and died on every soul that I’ve ever given myself to.” ― Jennifer Elisabeth
my biggest fear is that everyone i love will die and leave me alone. i spend a lot of energy worrying about death. the truth is, that everyone WILL die, eventually. so it isn't a completely unrealistic fear. the unrealistic part is how i spend so much time, energy, and fear worrying about it. the anxiety of it eats me up inside and takes up a huge space in my brain.
this is the part of my blog post where i am supposed to give you some piece of advice about anxiety. this is the part where i share some gem ... some wisdom about living your life to the fullest, about how to rid yourself of worries, about how to free yourself from anxiety.
i can't do that this time. this post is about my own struggle, not about how to free yourself from yours. all i can say is,
“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” ― Brené Brown
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Saturday, 19 July 2014
a conversation with martha
“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom
in my last post, i shared that i have named my anxiety martha. i imagine her as a 75 year old plump and grumpy woman. she likes to knit and nag. and nag and nag and nag. she sits in her rocking chair and tells me all the bad things that are going to happen to me.
here is what a conversation with martha would sound like:
Me: i have to drive home from the cottage. look, someone has a flat tire.
Martha: you're going to have a flat tire. watch out for that bump.
Me: it's just a bump.
Martha: nope, it's a bump that is going to pop your tire. and then you'll have to call a tow truck and ride in with with SC and the dog for 2 1/2 hours.
Me: it's just a bump.
Martha: nope.
Me: okay, we passed the bump and no flat tire.
Martha: your tire is going to explode. at some point on this drive.
Me: really?
Martha: really. it's going to explode and you'll have to sit on the side of the road for hours waiting for CAA to come with a tow truck.
Me: it's not going to explode.
Martha: what's that sound?
Me: what sound?
Martha: the rattling squeaking sound.
Me: i don't know.
Martha: the car is going to spontaneously burst into flames.
Me: really?
Martha: yes, i told you that you should have taken the car in for a check-up. and you should have gotten an oil change. and you really should pull over the car right now. right, right NOW. because the car is going to burst into flames with you in it. seriously, pull over.
Me: i can't pull over. i want to pull over. because i know you're right. but i can't pull over here.
Martha: you should have pulled over while you had the chance. you're an idiot. and now you're going to be an idiot with a flat tire, and a car in flames.
Me: i'm an idiot.
what would a conversation with your anxiety sound like? who wins, you or your anxiety? lots of times my anxiety wins. lots and lots of times. the trick is to find a way to tell your martha that she isn't wanted, that she isn't invited, and that you don't want her around. sending away your anxiety and telling it that it doesn't run your life is one way to deal with anxiety.
“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.”
― Dorothy M. Neddermeyer
naming your anxiety is another way to separate it from yourself. you are not your anxiety, you are having anxiety. by naming it, you are giving it a separate identity and putting distance between you and your anxiety.
“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
― Epictetus
martha and i are safely home from the cottage now. no flat tire, and no flames. in case you were worried like i was.
in the meanwhile ...
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
― Corrie ten Boom
in my last post, i shared that i have named my anxiety martha. i imagine her as a 75 year old plump and grumpy woman. she likes to knit and nag. and nag and nag and nag. she sits in her rocking chair and tells me all the bad things that are going to happen to me.
here is what a conversation with martha would sound like:
Me: i have to drive home from the cottage. look, someone has a flat tire.
Martha: you're going to have a flat tire. watch out for that bump.
Me: it's just a bump.
Martha: nope, it's a bump that is going to pop your tire. and then you'll have to call a tow truck and ride in with with SC and the dog for 2 1/2 hours.
Me: it's just a bump.
Martha: nope.
Me: okay, we passed the bump and no flat tire.
Martha: your tire is going to explode. at some point on this drive.
Me: really?
Martha: really. it's going to explode and you'll have to sit on the side of the road for hours waiting for CAA to come with a tow truck.
Me: it's not going to explode.
Martha: what's that sound?
Me: what sound?
Martha: the rattling squeaking sound.
Me: i don't know.
Martha: the car is going to spontaneously burst into flames.
Me: really?
Martha: yes, i told you that you should have taken the car in for a check-up. and you should have gotten an oil change. and you really should pull over the car right now. right, right NOW. because the car is going to burst into flames with you in it. seriously, pull over.
Me: i can't pull over. i want to pull over. because i know you're right. but i can't pull over here.
Martha: you should have pulled over while you had the chance. you're an idiot. and now you're going to be an idiot with a flat tire, and a car in flames.
Me: i'm an idiot.
what would a conversation with your anxiety sound like? who wins, you or your anxiety? lots of times my anxiety wins. lots and lots of times. the trick is to find a way to tell your martha that she isn't wanted, that she isn't invited, and that you don't want her around. sending away your anxiety and telling it that it doesn't run your life is one way to deal with anxiety.
“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.”
― Dorothy M. Neddermeyer
naming your anxiety is another way to separate it from yourself. you are not your anxiety, you are having anxiety. by naming it, you are giving it a separate identity and putting distance between you and your anxiety.
“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
― Epictetus
martha and i are safely home from the cottage now. no flat tire, and no flames. in case you were worried like i was.
in the meanwhile ...
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Anxious Martha
Solitude.
It doesn't have to be lonely. I am sitting on the porch at the cottage listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the shoreline and trying to convince myself that it is enjoyable to be alone.
Sometimes being alone is great. Time to think. Time to recharge. Time to reflect, rejuvenate ... Other times it's just lonely.
The truth is, I keep thinking about my anxiety.
"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."
Charles Spurgeon
I have named my anxiety Martha.
Martha is a 75 year old plump old woman who likes to knit in her rocking chair. She likes to nag and harp on the same topic repeatedly. Her current obsession is money and the lack of it. She worries constantly about how to spend money and how to save it. But she's not helpful. She just nags.
Martha is smart and knows how to scare me. She whispers all day long until she convinces me that the car is going to explode, or some such nonsense. And even though I KNOW it not to be true, I can't help but listen to her.
Martha is bossy too. She tells me not to do things like go out to parties or try new things.
"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."
Soren Kierkegaard
I am trying to think of ways to send Martha away when she gets persistent. I've tried talking to her. But seeing as she is my anxiety and not an actual person, sometimes that feels really dumb. But I keep telling her she isn't welcome. That she wasn't invited to the party, I was. She wasn't asked out to coffee, I was.
"I think anxiety is dangerous, but it makes you think it's your friend."
Noah Baumbach
If you could name your anxiety, what would its name be? What would its personality be? And how would you tell it to leave you alone?
Be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
worry gremlins
brene brown wrote about shame as a gremlin ... you feed it and it grows stronger and meaner ...
well i want to write about the worry gremlins.
the worry gremlins whisper to me throughout the day, and if i don't acknowledge them, they get louder and louder until i give in and feed them. the more i worry, the stronger the gremlins become. they say things like "you're going to miss the bus" or "the car is going to explode while you're driving" or "your teeth are going to fall out of your head." okay, that last one is what my dad used to say if i didn't want to brush my teeth. but i think some of the worry gremlins are actually my parents' voices in my head.
i am like a sponge and the worry is water. the more i worry, the more i soak in more worries. it is never ending.
today's worry is about my car. cars are a big worry for me. i had to take my car in for repairs and i have a rental car. so of course, the worry gremlins are nattering on in my head.
"you're going to bump into something when you park it. you don't know it's size. it has no back-up camera. it has no beeping sound to tell you you're going to hit something."
"the car has no gps so you're going to get lost. at least once."
"you wont recognize the car when you park it and you wont be able to find it and you'll wander around the parking lot for an hour, crying and wishing you had your own car back so that you don't look so stupid searching for a car."
"you're going to park it too close to another car and then it will get dented. and then you will have to pay for that damage too."
the gremlins are winning at this point.
captain stressy pants suggests there are 3 options to responding to the worry gremlins.
1. "it's cool, worry gremlins, i got this."
2. "fuck off!"
3. ignore them
i like all 3 ideas. the problem is that when i am under attack from the worry gremlins, it's hard to turn off their voices and get out from under the siege.
it's time to speak up for myself, even against my own voice in my head.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
well i want to write about the worry gremlins.
the worry gremlins whisper to me throughout the day, and if i don't acknowledge them, they get louder and louder until i give in and feed them. the more i worry, the stronger the gremlins become. they say things like "you're going to miss the bus" or "the car is going to explode while you're driving" or "your teeth are going to fall out of your head." okay, that last one is what my dad used to say if i didn't want to brush my teeth. but i think some of the worry gremlins are actually my parents' voices in my head.
today's worry is about my car. cars are a big worry for me. i had to take my car in for repairs and i have a rental car. so of course, the worry gremlins are nattering on in my head.
"you're going to bump into something when you park it. you don't know it's size. it has no back-up camera. it has no beeping sound to tell you you're going to hit something."
"the car has no gps so you're going to get lost. at least once."
"you wont recognize the car when you park it and you wont be able to find it and you'll wander around the parking lot for an hour, crying and wishing you had your own car back so that you don't look so stupid searching for a car."
"you're going to park it too close to another car and then it will get dented. and then you will have to pay for that damage too."
the gremlins are winning at this point.
captain stressy pants suggests there are 3 options to responding to the worry gremlins.
1. "it's cool, worry gremlins, i got this."
2. "fuck off!"
3. ignore them
i like all 3 ideas. the problem is that when i am under attack from the worry gremlins, it's hard to turn off their voices and get out from under the siege.
it's time to speak up for myself, even against my own voice in my head.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Thursday, 17 April 2014
sometimes life sucks
life gives you lemons and you're supposed to make lemonade, which is really just adding sugar to cover the sour taste which doesn't actually make you feel better. it just hides the sour parts of your life while you try to see through rose-coloured glasses.
lately i have been seeing the world through what captain stressy pants calls "shit coloured glasses."
which really sucks. basically i think everything sucks. even things that aren't all that bad.
so what do i DO to make myself feel better?
well, i am still trying to figure that out. i have been listening to happy music, blogging, walking on the treadmill, walking the dog, talking to friends, and trying to see the positive through the crap.
honestly, it just feels like one thing after another piling on top of my shoulders and even pokey sue's needles and electricity and her harder than hard massages don't relieve the stress from my shoulders. i carry a lot. pokey sue says i spend my time worrying and stressing about other people - that i even worry about her lemon tree. she asked me why, and i didn't have an answer. why DO i worry and stress about everyone else and all their stuff? why do i take on other people's burdens?
back to the question of how to clean off my glasses and feel happier when life throws lemons at me (lemons that haven't grown on pokey sue's lemon tree because it still hasn't grown any fruit)?
well ... i turn that question over to you ... what do YOU do to make yourself feel better?
be kind to yourself,
lately i have been seeing the world through what captain stressy pants calls "shit coloured glasses."
so what do i DO to make myself feel better?
well, i am still trying to figure that out. i have been listening to happy music, blogging, walking on the treadmill, walking the dog, talking to friends, and trying to see the positive through the crap.
honestly, it just feels like one thing after another piling on top of my shoulders and even pokey sue's needles and electricity and her harder than hard massages don't relieve the stress from my shoulders. i carry a lot. pokey sue says i spend my time worrying and stressing about other people - that i even worry about her lemon tree. she asked me why, and i didn't have an answer. why DO i worry and stress about everyone else and all their stuff? why do i take on other people's burdens?
back to the question of how to clean off my glasses and feel happier when life throws lemons at me (lemons that haven't grown on pokey sue's lemon tree because it still hasn't grown any fruit)?
well ... i turn that question over to you ... what do YOU do to make yourself feel better?
be kind to yourself,
Sunday, 23 March 2014
worrying in yellow alert ...
"I have to worry, it's the only thing I'm good at." - Arthur Christmas
i hear the low rumble of distant thunder in my head.
constantly.
i worry.
a lot.
all the time.
i worry about everything. i worry about parking, and driving, and teaching, and learning, and sleeping, and not sleeping, and food, and money, and eating, and working, and not working.
i worry in a car with the doors locked at night. i worry driving with the window open in the day time. i worry walking the dog past strangers. i worry about being seen. i worry about NOT being seen. i worry about being alone.
i worry constantly.
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i am in a constant state of yellow alert ... ready to spring to red alert at the slightest sign of trouble.
so i wanted to write about some strategies for dealing with worries.
- a gratitude journal. it is difficult to think about your worries when you are listing the things that you are grateful for. brene brown said that gratitude is a practice - that it is something you have to actively work at. each night, i write a list of the things that i am grateful for.
- tell someone. anyone. the more you keep your worries to yourself, the bigger they get. it's like a balloon that you keep putting air into: it gets bigger and bigger and you know that at some point it is going to burst. but telling someone your worry is like letting the air out of the balloon.
- list your FACTS ...Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements. (see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/02/uitwaaien-facts.html for more information on my FACTS strategy)
- work through a plan. some of the things that i worry about, like directions on how to get somewhere, can be solved by making a plan.
- making a list of what you are worried about is a way to get it out of your head. but it also allows you to break down your worries into pieces. which takes away from the giant pile.
people often tell me not to worry. don't worry about it. you worry too much. as if i can just turn off the worries in my head.
i wish i could. i wish more than anything that i could go an hour without thinking about all my worries. but all i can do, is be kind to myself in my worrying.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
here is some worrying music ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci44xau9n7Q
http://www.last.fm/tag/worrying
http://www.allmusic.com/album/sacred-songs-for-worrying-times-mw0000823125
http://8tracks.com/leisurelilt/worrying-music
http://www.last.fm/music/Bobby+McFerrin/_/Don't+Worry,+Be+Happy
http://www.mtv.com/videos/swedish-house-mafia/839069/dont-you-worry-child.jhtml
...
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
uitwaaien FACTS ...
i am on a uitwaaien. i am taking a mental health break while i walk in the wind of my life. giving myself the space to decompress, de-stress, and deal with my internal struggles.
and this uitwaaien causes me a whole lot of anxiety!!
i have this theory that when faced with anxiety and self-doubts, and worrying and self-loathing, one way to battle the negative self-talk is to list the facts.
i call my theory: Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements (FACTS).
for example, i am worrying and unable to sleep because of an appointment with a specialist tomorrow who is going to tell me to lose weight.
FACT: i know i need to lose weight.
FACT: he has no idea what a day in my life is like.
FACT: it will be a brief appointment and i can decide not to see him again if i don't want to see him again.
FACT: this will not kill me.
FACT: i have polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidism which makes losing weight extremely difficult.
FACT: i have polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidism which makes losing weight extremely difficult.
i am also anxious about taking a laughter yoga class. because i don't know what to expect. because it sounds crazy. because i can't picture myself making myself laugh in front of a group of strangers.
FACT: i never have to go back if i hate it
FACT: i don't have to do anything that i don't want to do
FACT: i can get up and walk out if it's too much
FACT: i can choose to watch
FACT: this is not going to kill me.
when i am in the middle of a panic attack, there are several strategies that i have used. nosy nora suggests 2 techniques, one is to activate the rational brain (eg. counting backwards by 3's) and the other is to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. (for more info click on the links at the bottom of this post ...) i do this by squeezing the edges of my finger tips, or finding a sore spot in the fleshy but of my thumb and rubbing that spot.
and now i have added my Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements (FACTS) technique while i am activating my parasympathetic nervous system. so i squeeze my finger tips while listing the FACTS about the situation that is causing me anxiety.
i will admit that sometimes i forget to do any of these techniques. sometimes i fall into the spiral of the panic and let anxiety be in control of my life. AG likes to tell me to tell anxiety that it is no longer in control. and i sometimes need that reminder. okay ... i OFTEN need that reminder as i am struggling to breathe.
so back to the anxiety around my uitwaaien. i worry that my students are falling behind. i worry that i am being judged by everyone around me. i worry that i am being selfish. i worry that i am wasting time. i worry that i am not getting better.
FACT: some days i can make it through an entire day without crying.
FACT: my students are already "behind" and a few weeks without me isn't the end of the world.
FACT: i am not that important. work carries on without me.
FACT: i am not selfish, i am taking care of myself and my needs.
i encourage you to find your own Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements (FACTS) when you are faced with anxiety and self-doubt. don't get me wrong, this is a very new strategy for me and i often forget to do it. i am still learning the best way to approach my FACTS; whether to write them, or to list them in my head, or to tell them to a friend.
xoxo
...
http://www.wisebrain.org/ParasympatheticNS.pdf
https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/psychological-practices/activating-the-parasympathetic-wing-of-your-nervous-system
FACT: i never have to go back if i hate it
FACT: i don't have to do anything that i don't want to do
FACT: i can get up and walk out if it's too much
FACT: i can choose to watch
FACT: this is not going to kill me.
when i am in the middle of a panic attack, there are several strategies that i have used. nosy nora suggests 2 techniques, one is to activate the rational brain (eg. counting backwards by 3's) and the other is to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. (for more info click on the links at the bottom of this post ...) i do this by squeezing the edges of my finger tips, or finding a sore spot in the fleshy but of my thumb and rubbing that spot.
and now i have added my Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements (FACTS) technique while i am activating my parasympathetic nervous system. so i squeeze my finger tips while listing the FACTS about the situation that is causing me anxiety.
i will admit that sometimes i forget to do any of these techniques. sometimes i fall into the spiral of the panic and let anxiety be in control of my life. AG likes to tell me to tell anxiety that it is no longer in control. and i sometimes need that reminder. okay ... i OFTEN need that reminder as i am struggling to breathe.
so back to the anxiety around my uitwaaien. i worry that my students are falling behind. i worry that i am being judged by everyone around me. i worry that i am being selfish. i worry that i am wasting time. i worry that i am not getting better.
FACT: some days i can make it through an entire day without crying.
FACT: my students are already "behind" and a few weeks without me isn't the end of the world.
FACT: i am not that important. work carries on without me.
FACT: i am not selfish, i am taking care of myself and my needs.
i encourage you to find your own Fast Accurate Concise Truthful Statements (FACTS) when you are faced with anxiety and self-doubt. don't get me wrong, this is a very new strategy for me and i often forget to do it. i am still learning the best way to approach my FACTS; whether to write them, or to list them in my head, or to tell them to a friend.
xoxo
...
http://www.wisebrain.org/ParasympatheticNS.pdf
https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/psychological-practices/activating-the-parasympathetic-wing-of-your-nervous-system
Monday, 10 February 2014
depression and trying to explain it
last week i went to see a psychiatrist. holy crap that was scary. it's the word "psychiatrist" ... it means being crazy, insane, unstable, psychiatric ...
anyway, i started to think about him as a specialist. just like any other doctor. only dr G is a specialist of the thoughts and chemicals in your brain. he was a nice guy. he was kind and friendly and asked a million questions.
anyway, the result of seeing dr G is that he "strongly recommended" that i take "at least a month off of work."
the idea is to try some new medication, to focus on self-care, and to work my way through this tunnel of depression to find my way to the other side.
today is the first day of my "month of recovery." and i am going insane already!!!!!!! i have cleaned, cooked, read, written, played piano, played guitar, walked the dog, watched tv, replied to a few emails ...
dr G told me to be kind to myself. to go gently. and to develop a routine slowly so that i don't spend all my time wrapped in my blanket cocoon, but also not to expect myself to just suddenly be able to function like i used to.
so i thought that i would try to find the words to describe what is going on inside my head these days. allie brosh wrote:
that is exactly what it is like. i feel like i am hurtling towards failure and disaster and i am dragging my feet on the ground and clinging to walls to try to slow myself down. but i don't do anything about the disasters that i am hurtling towards. i could do the things that i need to do. but i can't. i can't find the motivation. i can't find the will to do the things that need to be done.
allie brosh also described depression really, really well. "i'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you are horribly bored and lonely. [...] i've always wanted not to give a fuck. while crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, i would often fantasize that maybe someday i could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things."
YES YES YES. i don't want to burst into tears throughout the day. i don't want to have panic attacks. i don't want to worry about everything all the time. i don't want to feel hopelessly sad. i don't want to be afraid of everything. and i don't want to be in a fog.
i am "supposed to" be gentle with myself. to be kind to myself. to treat myself with compassion. i am "supposed to" to speak to myself kindly and gently. and all i have done all day is list all the things that i should do and can't get myself to do and then tell myself how stupid and lazy and useless i am for not doing them.
i have been having trouble finding an ending for this post. AG suggested writing "the end. tadah!"
i guess i want to end by thanking the people in my life who are helping me to treat myself kindly by showing me what kindness and compassion look like and feel like. i have an incredible support system and i appreciate all of you.
xoxo
...
anyway, i started to think about him as a specialist. just like any other doctor. only dr G is a specialist of the thoughts and chemicals in your brain. he was a nice guy. he was kind and friendly and asked a million questions.
anyway, the result of seeing dr G is that he "strongly recommended" that i take "at least a month off of work."
the idea is to try some new medication, to focus on self-care, and to work my way through this tunnel of depression to find my way to the other side.
today is the first day of my "month of recovery." and i am going insane already!!!!!!! i have cleaned, cooked, read, written, played piano, played guitar, walked the dog, watched tv, replied to a few emails ...
dr G told me to be kind to myself. to go gently. and to develop a routine slowly so that i don't spend all my time wrapped in my blanket cocoon, but also not to expect myself to just suddenly be able to function like i used to.
so i thought that i would try to find the words to describe what is going on inside my head these days. allie brosh wrote:
"to me, the future doesn't seem real. it's just this magical place where i can put my responsibilities so that i don't have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour."
that is exactly what it is like. i feel like i am hurtling towards failure and disaster and i am dragging my feet on the ground and clinging to walls to try to slow myself down. but i don't do anything about the disasters that i am hurtling towards. i could do the things that i need to do. but i can't. i can't find the motivation. i can't find the will to do the things that need to be done.
allie brosh also described depression really, really well. "i'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you are horribly bored and lonely. [...] i've always wanted not to give a fuck. while crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, i would often fantasize that maybe someday i could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things."
YES YES YES. i don't want to burst into tears throughout the day. i don't want to have panic attacks. i don't want to worry about everything all the time. i don't want to feel hopelessly sad. i don't want to be afraid of everything. and i don't want to be in a fog.
i am "supposed to" be gentle with myself. to be kind to myself. to treat myself with compassion. i am "supposed to" to speak to myself kindly and gently. and all i have done all day is list all the things that i should do and can't get myself to do and then tell myself how stupid and lazy and useless i am for not doing them.
i have been having trouble finding an ending for this post. AG suggested writing "the end. tadah!"
i guess i want to end by thanking the people in my life who are helping me to treat myself kindly by showing me what kindness and compassion look like and feel like. i have an incredible support system and i appreciate all of you.
xoxo
...
Thursday, 6 February 2014
anxiety is a meteor, a tsunami, and a broken alarm clock
do you ever lie awake worrying about things that are both completely beyond your control but also completely impossible?
i set 3 alarms for tomorrow morning.
and i am convinced that all 3 of them will be defective, or i will sleep through them.
i am convinced that i am going to get lost going to an appointment that i have in the morning. and i am convinced that i am going to spontaneously lose the ability to speak or write in English which means i won't be able to communicate with anyone to ask them for directions. clearly, i will get lost just trying to find the elevator. and then if i do manage to find enough English words to ask for directions, i won't remember the directions that i am given mere moments after i am given them. so i will wander around aimlessly which means i will be late.
that is assuming that my car starts in the morning. and that i have enough gas. that is assuming that one of my three alarms that i set is effective.
and once i do arrive at the hospital where my appointment is ... where will i park? there is a parking lot, but i don't want to pay for parking. hospital parking costs way too much. so i need to drive around and find a side street that has parking for more than one hour at a time.
and all that is assuming that when i DO get out of bed if my alarms go off and i don't run into heavy traffic, that i am not struck by a meteor and that i arrive at the hospital and don't find that it has been destroyed by a tsunami that somehow made it's way from the ocean across several provinces.
of course, as AG said, we could be completely wiped out by aliens, which means i wouldn't be alive to have to worry about any of these whatifs anyway.
but back to my original question ... do you ever spiral out of control with your whatifs?
i get so stuck on what could happen that i can't focus on what is happening NOW. it can be debilitating.
i am trying to work on looking at the FACTS.
FACT: my car probably needs gas so i should leave 10 minutes earlier than i had planned and fill up the tank.
FACT: one of my 3 alarms is going to wake me up, and SC gets up hours before the time that i set the alarm for and i will likely get out of bed with her anyway.
FACT: it is highly improbable that i will forget both the speaking and writing of English at exactly the same time, so i can probably ask for directions.
FACT: if i ask for directions and then either get lost, or forget what the directions were, i can ask someone else.
there are probably signs.
FACT: meteors and aliens are also quite unlikely to impede my day.
FACT: we are too far from the ocean for a tsunami to affect us ... and the hospital is too far from the lake for a flood to affect it ...
FACT: if i do end up parking on a street for free and it turns out to only be one hour parking and i am there for two hours, the worst thing that will happen is that i get a parking ticket, which will piss me off because it would have been cheaper to park at the hospital, but it won't actually be the end of the world and i can just pay the ticket and move on.
making a list of facts when your anxieties are crowding out your rational thoughts is quite useful. Nosy Nora suggests counting backwards by 3s from 100. and if the list of facts isn't enough, and if counting backwards doesn't activate your rational brain, then activating your parasympathetic nervous system while listing your facts can help to take away any physical symptoms of anxiety.
i like to rub the fleshy bit of my thumb muscle under my thumb. i poke around until i find a tender spot and then i push and rub hard on that tender spot. i call it the come-back-to-me spot because it brings me back to reality instead of letting me float away in a tsunami of what ifs ...
xoxo
...
i set 3 alarms for tomorrow morning.
and i am convinced that all 3 of them will be defective, or i will sleep through them.
i am convinced that i am going to get lost going to an appointment that i have in the morning. and i am convinced that i am going to spontaneously lose the ability to speak or write in English which means i won't be able to communicate with anyone to ask them for directions. clearly, i will get lost just trying to find the elevator. and then if i do manage to find enough English words to ask for directions, i won't remember the directions that i am given mere moments after i am given them. so i will wander around aimlessly which means i will be late.
that is assuming that my car starts in the morning. and that i have enough gas. that is assuming that one of my three alarms that i set is effective.
and once i do arrive at the hospital where my appointment is ... where will i park? there is a parking lot, but i don't want to pay for parking. hospital parking costs way too much. so i need to drive around and find a side street that has parking for more than one hour at a time.
and all that is assuming that when i DO get out of bed if my alarms go off and i don't run into heavy traffic, that i am not struck by a meteor and that i arrive at the hospital and don't find that it has been destroyed by a tsunami that somehow made it's way from the ocean across several provinces.
of course, as AG said, we could be completely wiped out by aliens, which means i wouldn't be alive to have to worry about any of these whatifs anyway.
but back to my original question ... do you ever spiral out of control with your whatifs?
i get so stuck on what could happen that i can't focus on what is happening NOW. it can be debilitating.
i am trying to work on looking at the FACTS.
FACT: my car probably needs gas so i should leave 10 minutes earlier than i had planned and fill up the tank.
FACT: one of my 3 alarms is going to wake me up, and SC gets up hours before the time that i set the alarm for and i will likely get out of bed with her anyway.
FACT: it is highly improbable that i will forget both the speaking and writing of English at exactly the same time, so i can probably ask for directions.
FACT: if i ask for directions and then either get lost, or forget what the directions were, i can ask someone else.
there are probably signs.
FACT: meteors and aliens are also quite unlikely to impede my day.
FACT: we are too far from the ocean for a tsunami to affect us ... and the hospital is too far from the lake for a flood to affect it ...
FACT: if i do end up parking on a street for free and it turns out to only be one hour parking and i am there for two hours, the worst thing that will happen is that i get a parking ticket, which will piss me off because it would have been cheaper to park at the hospital, but it won't actually be the end of the world and i can just pay the ticket and move on.
making a list of facts when your anxieties are crowding out your rational thoughts is quite useful. Nosy Nora suggests counting backwards by 3s from 100. and if the list of facts isn't enough, and if counting backwards doesn't activate your rational brain, then activating your parasympathetic nervous system while listing your facts can help to take away any physical symptoms of anxiety.
i like to rub the fleshy bit of my thumb muscle under my thumb. i poke around until i find a tender spot and then i push and rub hard on that tender spot. i call it the come-back-to-me spot because it brings me back to reality instead of letting me float away in a tsunami of what ifs ...
xoxo
...
Sunday, 28 April 2013
anxiety
we do not spend enough time talking about mental health issues.
i have reached a point in my life where it is time to give voice publicly to the ways in which fear and anxiety can be paralyzing.
anxiety is the pesky voice inside your head that tells you to stay under the blanket on the couch when the sun is shining and it's the first truly beautiful and warm day in spring. anxiety is the need to focus on one thing, like a video game, to calm the jumble of thoughts in your head ... it's the overwhelmed feeling of being alone and yet smothered when in a group of people, even people whose company you enjoy very much ... it is the racing heart that feels as though it will beat out of your chest ... the tightening of your chest making it difficult to breathe ... the feeling of being crushed ... the desire to go back to sleep ... it is laying awake at night worrying about whether or not your best friend hates you for something you said (that turns out she doesn't even remember) ... it is worrying that when you walk the dog around the corner, you need to stay in the sight-lines of multiple possible rescuers for when you get attacked ... the worrisome thought that plays over and over in your head:
we hide them in shame.
we blame them on illness, or exhaustion, or double-booked plans, or too much work.
we don't say, "i can't come out tonight because i am feeling like facing a crowd will crush my chest" ...
... so it is time to stop hiding. stop making excuses. to be honest.
i am both okay
and
not okay at the same time.
my anxiety has prevented me from enjoying my life to the fullest. my anxiety has prevented me from experiencing what the world has to offer.
when faced with a challenge, i panic. i pace. i cry. i freeze up.
and yet, i find bravery in the small details.
when faced with an invitation to meet a friend, i have to weigh my fears against the possibility of having a good time. i begin to ask myself:
and as these questions are swirling around in my mind, becoming a jumble of phrases, whatifs, and impossible scenarios, panic begins to set in; my heart races, the lump in my throat sends tears to my eyes, and i start to think of all the reasons why i should stay home and what excuse i could make up. trying to quiet the thoughts, to calm the fear, to face the questions ... it has become a full-time job.
these questions must seem ridiculous as you read them. with the invention of the GPS and the Green P Parking app, why would i need to worry? just drive, if you get lost, you can find your way back. if there is a detour, you can go around it. if you are late, you can be forgiven. if you have the wrong day, or time, you can reconnect with a simple text, phone call, or email.
but they are not ridiculous. they are real to me. they cloud my mind and prevent me from doing the most simple things.
this summer i am going to face my biggest fears. i am going to get on an airplane and travel across an ocean. i am going to stay in hotels in countries i have never been to where i do not speak the language. i am going to wander through cities with a paper map and have to stop to ask for directions or rely on DP to be the one to find our way.
i am, in many ways, lucky. DP provides me with unwavering love and strength. despite what she goes through herself, she is there to point me in the right direction both literally and figuratively. she lets me ask the questions. she lets me go through the list of whatifs and then guides me through to the other side of the tunnel.
this summer i am going to see things that i have never seen before, face challenges that i have never faced before, i am going to walk through an underground labyrinth, i am going to see buildings built in the year 1200, i am going to see medieval castles, and it will be scary and i am going to embrace my worries with love and work to respect myself and my process. because i am not broken.
if you are feeling like your anxiety, or your worries, are taking over your life, please seek support. Here are some resources that you can turn to. Click on the following links to find information that may help you find the support that you need:
Mayo clinic
Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada
Help Guide
Anxiety BC
Generalized Anxiety Screening Test
National Institute of Mental Health
US National Library of Medicine
.......
ps
my heart feels like a caged bird trying to burst from my chest as my finger hovers over the "publish" button for this post ... and yet, it is with great freedom that i choose to share my story because silence leaves you lonely and alone.
XOXO
- we stare at the crazy lady who sits in the park and feeds the birds.
- we avoid the crazy man who walks down the street talking to himself.
- we blame the friend who no longer returns our phone calls.
- we disregard the crazy aunt who no one wants to sit next to at Christmas dinner.
- we use words like "manic" "bipolar" "depression" and "schyzo" as insults or jokes.
i have reached a point in my life where it is time to give voice publicly to the ways in which fear and anxiety can be paralyzing.
anxiety is the pesky voice inside your head that tells you to stay under the blanket on the couch when the sun is shining and it's the first truly beautiful and warm day in spring. anxiety is the need to focus on one thing, like a video game, to calm the jumble of thoughts in your head ... it's the overwhelmed feeling of being alone and yet smothered when in a group of people, even people whose company you enjoy very much ... it is the racing heart that feels as though it will beat out of your chest ... the tightening of your chest making it difficult to breathe ... the feeling of being crushed ... the desire to go back to sleep ... it is laying awake at night worrying about whether or not your best friend hates you for something you said (that turns out she doesn't even remember) ... it is worrying that when you walk the dog around the corner, you need to stay in the sight-lines of multiple possible rescuers for when you get attacked ... the worrisome thought that plays over and over in your head:
"is she mad at me?"but we don't talk about these feelings.
"did i do it right?"
"what if ..."
we hide them in shame.
we blame them on illness, or exhaustion, or double-booked plans, or too much work.
we don't say, "i can't come out tonight because i am feeling like facing a crowd will crush my chest" ...
... so it is time to stop hiding. stop making excuses. to be honest.
i am both okay
and
not okay at the same time.
my anxiety has prevented me from enjoying my life to the fullest. my anxiety has prevented me from experiencing what the world has to offer.
in grade 5, my class went to the science centre and participated in a gifted program testing the speed in which tubes of various weights rolled down a ramp. we had to time each tube and then graph our results. i kept spelling tube "T-O-O-B" and could not make my graph look like the other students. i was in tears as panic set in. it was the end of the world that i was unable to spell correctly or to graph my results correctly.
in middle school, i was severely bullied. and i told no one. i was scared that no one would believe me, or that it would get worse, or that there was no where else to do, and so i suffered in silence for 2 years, suffered through the names, and the taunting, and the writing on my locker; it felt safer to stay with the evil that i knew rather than moving to a new school that could in fact be worse.
i got myself to new york city when i was 21. on the bus ride there, i was sure that someone was going to attack me. once there, i hid in my cousin's apartment for a week and only went out for a walk the day before i was to go home.
when i was 23, i moved to halifax. a friend lent me her apartment while she was away. the first thing i did when i arrived was to take a taxi the store to buy a TV. and i spent the week, hidden in her bedroom watching TV, terrified to step outside the front door. with the company of my soon-to-be-roommate, i learned the bus and ferry routes that would get me to:- the mall- school- the cafe - the grocery store
and the rest of the time, i stayed at home in my small apartment, with no furniture, using an inflatable mattress as a bed and cardboard boxes to hold my books, watching TV on 3 channels with no cable; scared that i would get lost, scared that something bad would happen to me. just scared.
when faced with a challenge, i panic. i pace. i cry. i freeze up.
and yet, i find bravery in the small details.
when faced with an invitation to meet a friend, i have to weigh my fears against the possibility of having a good time. i begin to ask myself:
- where will i park?
- will there be parking?
- how much will parking cost?
- should i take the subway?
- if i take the subway, will i know which direction to turn when i exit the station?
- will i find where i am going?
- will my friend really be waiting for me?
- is it the right day? the right time?
- how long will it take to drive there?
- what will happen if i get lost?
- what if there is construction and i have to take a detour?
- what if i am late and the person i am meeting gets mad at me?
- what if they stop being my friend?
and as these questions are swirling around in my mind, becoming a jumble of phrases, whatifs, and impossible scenarios, panic begins to set in; my heart races, the lump in my throat sends tears to my eyes, and i start to think of all the reasons why i should stay home and what excuse i could make up. trying to quiet the thoughts, to calm the fear, to face the questions ... it has become a full-time job.
these questions must seem ridiculous as you read them. with the invention of the GPS and the Green P Parking app, why would i need to worry? just drive, if you get lost, you can find your way back. if there is a detour, you can go around it. if you are late, you can be forgiven. if you have the wrong day, or time, you can reconnect with a simple text, phone call, or email.
but they are not ridiculous. they are real to me. they cloud my mind and prevent me from doing the most simple things.
this summer i am going to face my biggest fears. i am going to get on an airplane and travel across an ocean. i am going to stay in hotels in countries i have never been to where i do not speak the language. i am going to wander through cities with a paper map and have to stop to ask for directions or rely on DP to be the one to find our way.
i am, in many ways, lucky. DP provides me with unwavering love and strength. despite what she goes through herself, she is there to point me in the right direction both literally and figuratively. she lets me ask the questions. she lets me go through the list of whatifs and then guides me through to the other side of the tunnel.
this summer i am going to see things that i have never seen before, face challenges that i have never faced before, i am going to walk through an underground labyrinth, i am going to see buildings built in the year 1200, i am going to see medieval castles, and it will be scary and i am going to embrace my worries with love and work to respect myself and my process. because i am not broken.
if you are feeling like your anxiety, or your worries, are taking over your life, please seek support. Here are some resources that you can turn to. Click on the following links to find information that may help you find the support that you need:
Mayo clinic
Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada
Help Guide
Anxiety BC
Generalized Anxiety Screening Test
National Institute of Mental Health
US National Library of Medicine
.......
ps
my heart feels like a caged bird trying to burst from my chest as my finger hovers over the "publish" button for this post ... and yet, it is with great freedom that i choose to share my story because silence leaves you lonely and alone.
XOXO
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