today i read on someone's blog, "If nothing changed there'd be no butterflies"
... and i want to know ... what's wrong with caterpillars?
monarch caterpillars have always been my favourite. they're plump and colourful and they have little legs that tickle when they crawl on you. they can easily curl up into a ball. and they eat milkweed which makes them poisonous to birds - their stripes protect them from being eaten.
they spend their days crawling around the milkweed, eating.
and eventually spin themselves into a cocoon.
i've been a caterpillar for so long that i don't want to ever come out of my cocoon. i can't see the future and i don't know what kind of butterfly i'm going to be.
and it scares me.
i want to stay safe and wrapped up and protected in my cocoon forever.
i could hide away from the world, from pain, from hurt, from sadness.
i could blend into the colours of the trees, the only thing giving me away would be the gold "stitches" along the top of my cocoon ...
* * * * * * *
my dad used to let us collect monarch caterpillars at the end of august.
we would keep them in a terrarium with lots of milkweed. and within a week or so of their captivity, they would spin their bright green cocoons.
we would watch the chrysalis for days. gold threading along the top, and hanging from the lid of the terrarium. and then one day they would change from green to black and then to clear and then the majestic monarchs would work their way out.
at first, their wings would be wet. so we would carefully lift them out, letting their legs cling to our fingers.
we would set them down in the backyard. and they would open their wings to let them dry in the sun. and once the wings were dry, they would flap them and fly away.
until next august when we would hunt through the milkweed and start the process all over again.
and as beautiful and incredible as this process is ... the metamorphosis leaves those monarch caterpillars completely vulnerable and helpless.
when my brother was 3, he had his very own caterpillar in a jar. holes in the lid for air, and lovely milkweed for food. the plump little creature spun a green and gold chrysalis attached to the lid.
our babysitter's son was at our house and my brother wanted to show him his pet. so the exuberant and over-eager visitor opened the lid, looked into the jar, and slammed the lid down on the table saying "where? i don't see anything!?"
that morphing creature wasn't the only thing that got squashed that day. my brother crumpled in on himself. i've never seen him cry so much. i've never seen him so hurt. it was as if all of his hopes and dreams were being held in that green cocoon waiting to fly away into the sun and everything got squished and killed by someone else's careless actions.
i feel like a caterpillar in a chrysalis: not safe and snug, cocooned and protected. i feel vulnerable and unsafe and easily squishable.
but the thing about change is that it is going to happen whether we want to or not, and whether we like it or not.
AG said to me today, "i guess the best thing about butterflies is they don't have to choose it. it comes naturally. amazingly enough."
wise words to ponder today, as i am cocooned in my duvet wanting to stay here on the couch forever.
xoxo
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