motivation

“For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it.” 

― Allie Brosh

motivation is something that is plaguing me these days. well, actually, what is plaguing me is my complete lack of motivation. it's my complete inability to DO anything. 

“Most people can motivate themselves to do things simply by knowing that those things need to be done. But not me. For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it. If I win, I have to do something I don't want to do. And if I lose, I'm one step closer to ruining my entire life. And I never know whether I'm going to win or lose until the last second.” 

― Allie Brosh,

i don't know what the mental block is, but i have this list of really important things that need to be done and i can't make myself do any of them. i am well aware of the consequences of NOT doing what needs to be done ... and yet i sit here, blogging, instead of doing it. 

it's annoying. 

nosy nora says it's not annoying enough. she says that when it becomes truly annoying, i will start doing what needs to be done. 

“Fear and shame are the backbone of my self-control. They are my source of inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely unacceptable. They help me do the right thing. And I am terrified of what I would be without them. Because I suspect that, left to my own devices, I would completely lose control of my life. I'm still hoping that perhaps someday I'll learn how to use willpower like a real person, but until that very unlikely day, I will confidently battle toward adequacy, wielding my crude skill set of fear and shame.” 

― Allie Brosh

if i were truly in charge of my life, i would do nothing at all. i would spend the days in my pajamas, curled up in bed, reading, and writing, and eating chocolate. but if i were truly in charge of my life, i probably wouldn't want to do those things. 

“Fortunately, it turns out that being scared of yourself is a somewhat effective motivational technique.” 

― Allie Brosh

being scared of my own judgement can sometimes make me do one or two of the things on my list. i judge myself a whole lot harsher than i even think other people judge me. unfortunately, this fear doesn't get me to do the really big things. it simply gets me to do things like unload the dishwasher so that the sink isn't full of dishes ... and who am i kidding? SC does that most of the time too. 

“Тo me, the future doesn’t seem real. It’s just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don’t have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour.” ― Allie Brosh

i most certainly feel like the future is never going to come. that i can put things off forever and the inevitable will never happen. this makes my motivation non-existent. if tomorrow never arrives, then i never actually have to DO anything that i don't want to do. i don't have to have any responsibilities. i don't have to follow through on my commitments. i can simply stay in my pajamas, nap all afternoon, and do a whole lot of nothing. 

and no, this hasn't been working out well for me for the last 37 years. but i feel stuck. 

what do you do to motivate yourself?



be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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depression and trying to explain it

last week i went to see a psychiatrist. holy crap that was scary. it's the word "psychiatrist" ... it means being crazy, insane, unstable, psychiatric ... 

anyway, i started to think about him as a specialist. just like any other doctor. only dr G is a specialist of the thoughts and chemicals in your brain. he was a nice guy. he was kind and friendly and asked a million questions. 

anyway, the result of seeing dr G is that he "strongly recommended" that i take "at least a month off of work." 

the idea is to try some new medication, to focus on self-care, and to work my way through this tunnel of depression to find my way to the other side. 

photo credit

today is the first day of my "month of recovery." and i am going insane already!!!!!!! i have cleaned, cooked, read, written, played piano, played guitar, walked the dog, watched tv, replied to a few emails ... 

dr G told me to be kind to myself. to go gently. and to develop a routine slowly so that i don't spend all my time wrapped in my blanket cocoon, but also not to expect myself to just suddenly be able to function like i used to. 

so i thought that i would try to find the words to describe what is going on inside my head these days. allie brosh wrote:

"to me, the future doesn't seem real. it's just this magical place where i can put my responsibilities so that i don't have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour." 

that is exactly what it is like. i feel like i am hurtling towards failure and disaster and i am dragging my feet on the ground and clinging to walls to try to slow myself down. but i don't do anything about the disasters that i am hurtling towards. i could do the things that i need to do. but i can't. i can't find the motivation. i can't find the will to do the things that need to be done. 

allie brosh also described depression really, really well. "i'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you are horribly bored and lonely. [...] i've always wanted not to give a fuck. while crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, i would often fantasize that maybe someday i could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things." 


YES YES YES. i don't want to burst into tears throughout the day. i don't want to have panic attacks. i don't want to worry about everything all the time. i don't want to feel hopelessly sad. i don't want to be afraid of everything. and i don't want to be in a fog. 

i am "supposed to" be gentle with myself. to be kind to myself. to treat myself with compassion. i am "supposed to" to speak to myself kindly and gently. and all i have done all day is list all the things that i should do and can't get myself to do and then tell myself how stupid and lazy and useless i am for not doing them. 

i have been having trouble finding an ending for this post. AG suggested writing "the end. tadah!" 

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i guess i want to end by thanking the people in my life who are helping me to treat myself kindly by showing me what kindness and compassion look like and feel like. i have an incredible support system and i appreciate all of you. 

xoxo

...

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMM

tonight i am processing my session with Nosy Nora. (my therapist. see post from January 12, 2014 to learn more about that)

*** NOTE: i will not, i repeat NOT be coming home and blogging about my therapy sessions on a regular basis. at least, not about the details. therapy is incredibly personal and vulnerable and intimate. it also isn't transferable through conversations or writing. this is an extremely unique situation. and i wont be sharing the specifics about what took place within the office.

today i brought a bag with me. a bag of weight loss and diet books. books that represent every failed attempt to CONTROL my eating. books that represent how the more i try to CONTROL the more powerless i feel. the more people try to help me, the more i feel controlled by someone else. 

it was a big bag of books. honestly. so many years of trying different diets and failing. 

why? 

because diets don't work. they just don't. we live in a world where food and emotion are inexorably tied together. and the idea that you can just CONTROL the amount of food you eat .... well that's just plain silly! 

if diets worked ... if diets truly were effective ... then we wouldn't have a multibillion dollar diet industry. if diets worked, then the diet industry would be out of business! 

i have been reading every word written by Geneen Roth.  and I highly recommend her life-changing books.

 (click here for her website and her books) i mention her because the ideas i am talking about come from her. 

i will never diet again. ever. 

many people weren't initially fans of this new plan of mine. but they aren't in this body. and they aren't in my head. and my head and my body are both a mess ... so it is time to try something totally different ...

imagine, if you will, all the rules that have been placed on me because of PCOS (click here for PCOS info on an empowering website) and because of fertility (see blog posts from the last few years). 

no sugar, no white flour, no rice, no juice, and only 2 fruits a day. 

now imagine that it's christmas and i am given some chocolate. and i'm given permission (from myself) to eat the christmas chocolate. 

one piece. 

Ya right. 

forbidden glorious chocolate. so I eat the one piece. and then another. and then another. and as the euphoria of the sweet melting chocolate hits, i am overcome by the fact that i can't eat chocolate. that it isn't allowed. so i eat every goddamn piece of chocolate that i was given. and then i seek out more. and i eat and eat and eat that chocolate because i won't be able to eat it again the next day because it is forbidden and because i am on a diet. 

then I bask in the temporary sugar high from eating all that chocolate .... for a few glorious moments life is just right ... 

then it hits me what i have done. i have eaten chocolate. i have consumed sugar. i have broken all the rules. i have fucked up. now I'll always be fat. i'll never be thin. and worst of all, i'll NEVER get pregnant. 

and why? 

because i ate chocolate. 

then the pain begins ... a stabbing in my shoulder blade ... and it slowly spreads to my rib cage ... then it feels like there is a vice grip crushing me. and the crushing gets tighter and tighter ... and there is nothing left to do except to make myself throw up. 

yes, blog audience, and dear friends, i make myself throw up. a lot. regularly. especially when i start to panic that i have fucked up my entire life by eating chocolate (or chips, or fries, or cake, or candy, or pizza)

.........

rewind ...

... let's imagine a different christmas. same me. same scenario. i have been given chocolate as a gift. only in THIS scenario there are no rules. there are compassionate and intuitive guidelines. specifically, eat what i want, WHATEVER my body WANTS, when i am hungry and then stop eating when i am satisfied. 

hang on, stop right there. TIME OUT!!!

trust myself? trust my body? you have GOT to be kidding me!!! 

(go read Roth's books or her blog or her website and all will become clear ... and in the meanwhile ...)

imagine me sitting there with a pile of chocolate in my stocking. and it's christmas. so i eat a piece of chocolate. and i am satisfied. and i put the rest away. why? because i have permission to listen to my body. because the chocolate will still be there later if i want it. because I AM IN CHARGE OF WHAT I EAT AND NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CAN'T EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so back to Nosy Nora and the giant bag of diet books ...

... today i brought in those books and she joined me in tearing them to pieces. 

i thought that it would feel different. i thought that DESTROYING those books and what they represent for me would feel freeing and be a relief and it wasn't ... Nosy Nora suggested that perhaps that feeling would come later. 

so SC and i decided to go out for dinner (thanks for the gift card ARD, love you!!)  and you know what? i ordered what i wanted, 

and i only ate the amount that i wanted.

and then, if you please, we ordered dessert. which i also didn't feel the need to finish. 

when we got home, SC and i went to the recycling bin and i threw out those ripped to shreds books ...

and then i looked at the bag, in the bin, with the rest of the useless thrown-out TRASH GARBAGE DISGUSTING UNNECESSARY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT was when the relief came. THAT was when i felt free. (okay, okay, Nosy Nora, so you were right. again.)

sometimes in order to make change in our lives, we need a grand gesture: something to visually or physically represent what is going on emotionally. 

i needed to DESTROY the representations of my lack of control - not my lack of self-control, but my feeling of not being ALLOWED to make my own choices. because i WANT to be healthy, i WANT to feel good in my body, and goddammit, i WANT to get pregnant. 

but none of those things are going to happen if i am not the one running the show. 

I AM AN ADULT. I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR MY LIFE. AND I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING GOOD DECISIONS FOR MY LIFE. AND IF I WANT TO EAT A FUCKING PIECE OF CAKE, I AM GOING TO EAT A FUCKING PIECE OF CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok ... rant is over ...

... in case you're curious, tomorrow's lunch is a giant salad made with organic veggies, chicken, and apple. NOT because i feel like i am supposed to, but because as delicious as the french fries were tonight, my body is TELLING me that i would like to eat veggies. and i can LISTEN to my body because the next time my body says it wants french fries, i can make the choice about whether or not i want to eat them. 

THAT is what it feels like to be free. 

THAT is what it feels like to breathe. 

THIS is what it feels like to be free. 

THIS is what it feels like to breathe. 

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

xoxo

...

Treating myself with compassion

tonight i ate half a pizza in one sitting in a very short time span. that was a lot of pizza. 

why did i eat so much pizza? 

i have come to learn that we are all made up of many parts of ourselves. the adult me is often not the one in charge. tonight, it was my 3 year old self who decided to eat the pizza.

last night i saw a photo in an old book. it was a photo of me at my 3rd birthday party. 

look at my eyes. look how scared I am. 

that day, i faced trauma and ran from it, only to be shamed by my parents and told to go back and face it again. i wasn't asked why i ran away. i wasn't asked why i was so scared. no one hugged me, or comforted me, or took the time to find out why i would hide in my room crying at my own birthday party. instead, i was scolded and forced to return to the scene of the trauma. 

no one listened to that 3 year old little girl. no one believed her. 

she learned that day that she didn't matter. that she wasn't worthy or deserving of care. that she wasn't worth listening to. so she found ways to numb her pain.

and tonight she reacted to the trauma by making the adult me eat half a pizza. 

which then brought on a shame storm. (Brene Brown) 

i began listing all the things that i hate about myself. 

the list is long and possibly endless. and i wont bore you with the details. suffice it to say, it was an incredibly long list of every little detail that i hate about myself which only led to more shame. 

and letting yourself be swallowed by a shame storm only begets more shame.

a very wise woman, who is also a very dear friend, AG, said "your little part is severely hurting ... you can believe her. i can believe her. i DO believe her. So are you going to continue to slap her in the face with it? ... resolve to treat her better." 

this is my attempt at treating her with compassion instead of the rejection that she received that day. 

i am choosing to share this piece of my story ... i am choosing to give her a voice. she wants to say that she was scared. she wants to say that she was hurt. she wants to say that she was just as important as the guests at the party who she was told were the reason she had to get her ass back down the stairs. she wants to say that someone needed to ask her what scared her to the core. why she would hide and repeatedly kick the dresser at her own birthday party. someone needed to notice that her fear was REAL.

giving her a voice makes her feel heard. making her feel heard helps me to forgive myself for eating half a pizza. giving her a voice gives ME a voice. makes ME feel heard. 

and it is my way of showing myself compassion. 

xoxo

...

owning my story

it has been a long time. a very, very long time. 

many things have happened. 

so many that i don't know where to begin. 

i have been reading a lot lately .... no ... i have been reading a LOT lately. mostly 3 authors: Geneen Roth, Brene Brown, and Allie Brosh. All incredible women with awesome things to say. 

Brown wrote:

i have been exploring my darkness and as i dig up my innermost fears and shames, i want to begin to share them. here. in this space. sharing my story is a way to own it. and owning it allows me to be vulnerable, which will allow me to make space for joy and hope and happiness.

and it is scary. and it will take me time. 

so please be patient with me. 

i hope that my story will help someone the way that the stories i am reading have been helping me. 

xoxo


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