so i was beginning to think that over the last 2 years i haven't really made any changes. that i trudge along throughout my day and do the same things, behave the same way, react the same way ... i felt like i was a caterpillar stuck at that stage of my life, in a cocoon unable to grow wings.
... nosy nora asked me if i noticed any changes and i said not really. then she listed the changes ...
... i am no longer addicted to nortriptyline or what nosy nora and i call "the yellow pills." i don't take them. i don't obsess over them.
... i no longer abuse sedatives. i don't crave them. i don't think about them and long for them.
... i say "no" more often. and i am aware of doing things that i don't want to do, and at times i don't do them. AG reminds me that i am an adult and i don't have to do anything i don't want to do.
... i no longer binge. if i start to binge, i am able to stop myself in the moment and question why i am bingeing. and i am able to stop the cycle.
... i no longer purge. even when i really, really have the urge to throw up, i have strategies and coping skills that i didn't have before.
... i am able to feel my feelings and am no longer numb to my emotions.
those are some pretty major changes. and here i thought i wasn't doing the work to change my life. i still have many more things that i want to work on. i am still struggling with depression and anxiety. but in the grand scheme of things, i am doing pretty damn well. so maybe i am a butterfly now.
think about your life over the last few years. what changes have you made?
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
Friday, 5 September 2014
thunder
we all need thunder in our lives.
thunder is loud
and we feel can feel it physically rumble through us.
thunder is the noise of the impressive lightening.
thunder is the impetus for change in your life.
thunder storms rip through the night, like change can rip through your life.
"no one broods like mother nature" ... let me tell you, i can brood and grump and be grubly and grosh like mother nature. i can thunder with the best of them. my bad temper and grubly mood doesn't knock over trees or knock out the electricity thankfully.
thunder shakes the house tonight as the rain pours down on the skylight, drowning out the noise of the night. thunder is rolling through the city.
we need the thunder to wake us up sometimes. we need to be shaken out of our complacency. we need to feel the power of the storm in our lives in order to find our footing.
sometimes we need the rug pulled out from under us in order to discover the potential in our lives.
the light inside of you shines through the thunder around you. lightening is the awesome power behind the thunder. and you have an awesome power inside of you, despite what changes are happening in your life.
i have written several times that i hate change. i rail against change like thunder rails against the stillness and silence of the night.
but nosy nora pointed out that i have spent the last 2 years in therapy making changes to myself and my life.
changes that i am choosing to make.
so change isn't all bad.
even when it comes thundering in when you get a new boss who thunders through the halls making unwanted changes.
even when it comes thundering in with the dissolution of a friendship or a relationship.
change is what moves us forward in life.
change isn't all bad. and you can quote me on that.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
thunder is loud
and we feel can feel it physically rumble through us.
thunder is the noise of the impressive lightening.
Where does thunder go when it dies?” ― Ray Bradbury
thunder is the impetus for change in your life.
thunder storms rip through the night, like change can rip through your life.
“I hate it when storm clouds roll in, heralded by dazzling claps of thunder and lightning that boast an ocean of tears. This majestic performance of bad temper manages to overshadow my pathetic attempts at pouting. No one broods like Mother Nature, hence she steals all the attention I was sulking after.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich
"no one broods like mother nature" ... let me tell you, i can brood and grump and be grubly and grosh like mother nature. i can thunder with the best of them. my bad temper and grubly mood doesn't knock over trees or knock out the electricity thankfully.
“Only one thing that you can see and hear that is beautiful and frightening at the same time, and that is a thunder storm.” ― R.K. Cowles
thunder shakes the house tonight as the rain pours down on the skylight, drowning out the noise of the night. thunder is rolling through the city.
It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.Frederick Douglass
we need the thunder to wake us up sometimes. we need to be shaken out of our complacency. we need to feel the power of the storm in our lives in order to find our footing.
sometimes we need the rug pulled out from under us in order to discover the potential in our lives.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.Mark Twain
the light inside of you shines through the thunder around you. lightening is the awesome power behind the thunder. and you have an awesome power inside of you, despite what changes are happening in your life.
i have written several times that i hate change. i rail against change like thunder rails against the stillness and silence of the night.
but nosy nora pointed out that i have spent the last 2 years in therapy making changes to myself and my life.
changes that i am choosing to make.
so change isn't all bad.
even when it comes thundering in when you get a new boss who thunders through the halls making unwanted changes.
even when it comes thundering in with the dissolution of a friendship or a relationship.
change is what moves us forward in life.
change isn't all bad. and you can quote me on that.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Tuesday, 19 August 2014
changes and fear
a few months ago, i wrote a blog post about changes. http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/changes.html advising that change can be good.
well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)
i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying.
“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”
― Søren Kierkegaard
i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe.
“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.”
― Lemony Snicket
my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing.
“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....”
― Erica Jong
turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue.
“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.”
― Shel Silverstein
it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn.
“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change.
so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)
i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying.
“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”
― Søren Kierkegaard
i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe.
“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.”
― Lemony Snicket
my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing.
“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....”
― Erica Jong
turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue.
“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.”
― Shel Silverstein
it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn.
“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change.
so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
changes
Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'. - Bob Dylan
i hate change. there aren't enough words to explain how uncomfortable change makes me. and yet, change is constantly happening. good changes, bad changes, neutral changes. i hate them all.
this post is for all the people in my life being forced to change. especially LAC (... yes you, i'm talking about you ...) who is moving on to greener pastures whether she wants to or not, whether she is willing to admit that they are greener or not ...
“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
― Mary Shelley
we navigate our way through the world in the safety of what we know ... what we are used to ... what is comfortable. the idea of something new and different is scary to us. we fear what we don't know. we doubt ourselves and our abilities. in the midst of change, we forget that we always have options. we externalize our worth rather than looking within - we define ourselves by what job we have, how much money we make, what we own, and how we are seen. real change means accepting that who we are matters more than what we are. the truth is that we cling to what we know for fear of losing what we have; for fear of losing ourselves in what we don't know.
there is one fact that we often forget: we take ourselves with us wherever we go. you can't leave yourself behind no matter how many changes you make (or are forced into making).
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan
change is discomfort. change is facing the unknown. sometimes facing your fears. this can be really scary, and it can also be really exciting. everything is in a constant state of change. nothing stagnates.
“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”
― Stephen Chbosky
life doesn't stop. for anybody. for anything. the world turns whether we stand still and cry or run around in circles screaming about the changes that we don't want to happen. people grow, people change, people move on. and we have to keep living.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu
the world is in a constant state of change. life is full of cycles, but things don't cycle back in exactly the same way. the flowers come back after the winter, but they aren't the same flowers. they are new flowers from the same bulbs.
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
― C. JoyBell C.
throw yourself ... it is time to embrace change - as much as we drag our feet and stagnate in what we know, the world is in a constant state of change. it is the one thing that we can count on. captain stressy pants says that the world would be boring without change. that doesn't make me hate it any less. but i am willing to throw myself, to be open to possibilities that come with changes.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou
sometimes staying in the position that we are in means staying in a situation that is not good for us. sometimes we think that we are happy because we have been here for so long that we think this is what happiness is. and then, surprisingly, things in the new place are better and we discover that the change was a good thing.
LAC, i have a message for you:
“You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea.”
― C. JoyBell C.
we get so used to what we know, that even when what we know is unhealthy we want to stay. you don't know what is out there. you don't know how good other people have it because we, you AND i, have been here in this place for so long. we call it home. we call it family. and family doesn't stop being family just because you move away. we will always been family. this will always be a second home. and you are going to find joy in the new place with the new people and with children who WANT to learn.
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle
i hate change. and i am trying to embrace it. i am trying to get used to the idea of my friends leaving my school, of nosy nora moving her office, of the furniture in my living room being rearranged, of driving a rental car instead of my own, of meeting with a new doctor today and another new doctor in a few weeks ... i am trying to embrace the changes within my self. i am trying to get used to the idea of saying what i think, of expressing my feelings, of allowing myself to HAVE feelings, of allowing myself to FEEL those emotions, of standing up for myself ...
change isn't all bad. even the hard change has a purpose. and besides ...
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
― Margaret Mead
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'. - Bob Dylan
this post is for all the people in my life being forced to change. especially LAC (... yes you, i'm talking about you ...) who is moving on to greener pastures whether she wants to or not, whether she is willing to admit that they are greener or not ...
“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
― Mary Shelley
we navigate our way through the world in the safety of what we know ... what we are used to ... what is comfortable. the idea of something new and different is scary to us. we fear what we don't know. we doubt ourselves and our abilities. in the midst of change, we forget that we always have options. we externalize our worth rather than looking within - we define ourselves by what job we have, how much money we make, what we own, and how we are seen. real change means accepting that who we are matters more than what we are. the truth is that we cling to what we know for fear of losing what we have; for fear of losing ourselves in what we don't know.
there is one fact that we often forget: we take ourselves with us wherever we go. you can't leave yourself behind no matter how many changes you make (or are forced into making).
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan
“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”
― Stephen Chbosky
life doesn't stop. for anybody. for anything. the world turns whether we stand still and cry or run around in circles screaming about the changes that we don't want to happen. people grow, people change, people move on. and we have to keep living.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu
the world is in a constant state of change. life is full of cycles, but things don't cycle back in exactly the same way. the flowers come back after the winter, but they aren't the same flowers. they are new flowers from the same bulbs.
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
― C. JoyBell C.
throw yourself ... it is time to embrace change - as much as we drag our feet and stagnate in what we know, the world is in a constant state of change. it is the one thing that we can count on. captain stressy pants says that the world would be boring without change. that doesn't make me hate it any less. but i am willing to throw myself, to be open to possibilities that come with changes.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou
sometimes staying in the position that we are in means staying in a situation that is not good for us. sometimes we think that we are happy because we have been here for so long that we think this is what happiness is. and then, surprisingly, things in the new place are better and we discover that the change was a good thing.
LAC, i have a message for you:
“You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea.”
― C. JoyBell C.
we get so used to what we know, that even when what we know is unhealthy we want to stay. you don't know what is out there. you don't know how good other people have it because we, you AND i, have been here in this place for so long. we call it home. we call it family. and family doesn't stop being family just because you move away. we will always been family. this will always be a second home. and you are going to find joy in the new place with the new people and with children who WANT to learn.
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.
- Bob Dylan
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle
i hate change. and i am trying to embrace it. i am trying to get used to the idea of my friends leaving my school, of nosy nora moving her office, of the furniture in my living room being rearranged, of driving a rental car instead of my own, of meeting with a new doctor today and another new doctor in a few weeks ... i am trying to embrace the changes within my self. i am trying to get used to the idea of saying what i think, of expressing my feelings, of allowing myself to HAVE feelings, of allowing myself to FEEL those emotions, of standing up for myself ...
change isn't all bad. even the hard change has a purpose. and besides ...
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
― Margaret Mead
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Thursday, 15 May 2014
fierce love
i saw this post by geneen roth today and thought about myself, about my metamorphosis. i think that i have come out of my cocoon a butterfly. my wings are still wet, so i can't fly. but i will get there.
my struggle with food and eating is the moisture on my wings.
"a fierce kind of love for yourself."
to love myself fiercely.
to believe that it is possible to change. to become a butterfly. to believe that i could be at peace with food and with eating. to believe that i could be at peace.
love yourself fiercely,
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Sunday, 27 April 2014
butterfly wings
my blog is doing better than i ever expected.
Pageviews today
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69
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those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people.
today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me.
how will i know?
“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.”
in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.
maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature.
change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...
in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before i try to fly.
going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be.
that was complicated ...
going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself.
as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.
sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply.
i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Cocooned vs. Metamorphosis
today i read on someone's blog, "If nothing changed there'd be no butterflies"
... and i want to know ... what's wrong with caterpillars?
monarch caterpillars have always been my favourite. they're plump and colourful and they have little legs that tickle when they crawl on you. they can easily curl up into a ball. and they eat milkweed which makes them poisonous to birds - their stripes protect them from being eaten.
they spend their days crawling around the milkweed, eating.
and eventually spin themselves into a cocoon.
i've been a caterpillar for so long that i don't want to ever come out of my cocoon. i can't see the future and i don't know what kind of butterfly i'm going to be.
and it scares me.
i want to stay safe and wrapped up and protected in my cocoon forever.
i could hide away from the world, from pain, from hurt, from sadness.
i could blend into the colours of the trees, the only thing giving me away would be the gold "stitches" along the top of my cocoon ...
* * * * * * *
my dad used to let us collect monarch caterpillars at the end of august.
we would keep them in a terrarium with lots of milkweed. and within a week or so of their captivity, they would spin their bright green cocoons.
we would watch the chrysalis for days. gold threading along the top, and hanging from the lid of the terrarium. and then one day they would change from green to black and then to clear and then the majestic monarchs would work their way out.
at first, their wings would be wet. so we would carefully lift them out, letting their legs cling to our fingers.
we would set them down in the backyard. and they would open their wings to let them dry in the sun. and once the wings were dry, they would flap them and fly away.
until next august when we would hunt through the milkweed and start the process all over again.
and as beautiful and incredible as this process is ... the metamorphosis leaves those monarch caterpillars completely vulnerable and helpless.
when my brother was 3, he had his very own caterpillar in a jar. holes in the lid for air, and lovely milkweed for food. the plump little creature spun a green and gold chrysalis attached to the lid.
our babysitter's son was at our house and my brother wanted to show him his pet. so the exuberant and over-eager visitor opened the lid, looked into the jar, and slammed the lid down on the table saying "where? i don't see anything!?"
that morphing creature wasn't the only thing that got squashed that day. my brother crumpled in on himself. i've never seen him cry so much. i've never seen him so hurt. it was as if all of his hopes and dreams were being held in that green cocoon waiting to fly away into the sun and everything got squished and killed by someone else's careless actions.
i feel like a caterpillar in a chrysalis: not safe and snug, cocooned and protected. i feel vulnerable and unsafe and easily squishable.
but the thing about change is that it is going to happen whether we want to or not, and whether we like it or not.
AG said to me today, "i guess the best thing about butterflies is they don't have to choose it. it comes naturally. amazingly enough."
wise words to ponder today, as i am cocooned in my duvet wanting to stay here on the couch forever.
xoxo
...
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