i asked LES first if i should write about bingeing. it's a scary topic. she wrote to me and said,
"i read your work because it normalizes it for me… helps me feel a wee bit less shame. I may not have the strength that you have in this moment to control it or frankly even notice it/that i was binging until reading your thing.. but yeah, it helps to remove shame by sharing our stories.. you may not be able to remove your own shame but by sharing you help remove a bit of mine"
i have been a binge-er since i was 13.
and i now have gone months without bingeing and feel like i have that part of my life under some semblance of control (yes nosy nora, i will admit and take responsibility for SOME control in my life, for some things that i have control over ...).
but as a child, i was a secret binge-er. i would sneak food and eat it super fast and hide the wrappers. i would eat nothing all day and then gorge myself on chocolate bars on the way home from school. i would snack on chips and cookies and crackers.
i sent the above to LES and she wrote back:
*she reads this with eyes wide open taking it all in as she binges on crackers, cookies and gold fish - not having eaten all day"
as i grew into an adult, the hiding became more intense and more important to the behaviour.
what's it like to binge? it's the ultimate numbing experience. the food doesn't matter. it could be stale, hard, old ... it doesn't matter. because you don't taste the food. it's not about eating, it's about numbing.
at my lowest point, i took a cake out of the garbage can and ate it. i ate a cake out of the garbage. i have also eaten cold french fries. out of a macdonalds bag. that was crumpled in the garbage can.
geneen roth describes a binge as a way of eating, not an amount of food. she wrote that a binge can be 2 cookies.
i have never eaten until i was sick. it is the intensity with which i find junk food and stuff it into me without tasting it. a binge can be on carrots. a binge is when you are eating instead of feeling your feelings.
i often would binge because i didn't want to feel the emotions that come up - those difficult emotions that no one likes to feel: loneliness, fear, anger, sadness ...
"if you don't allow feelings, if you push them away, they get bigger, become more threatening. feelings don't go away because you're afraid of them." - geneen roth
... i find myself now looking for food to binge on when i am feeling those emotions. but instead, i stop, i breathe, i sit down, and i ask myself what it is that i am feeling. what am i feeling and why? and i let the emotions pass through me.
healing from bingeing (and purging) is hard work and there will always be relapses.
geneen roth offers strategies for dealing with bingeing that include allowing yourself to binge and then being kind to yourself afterwards - incredibly kind and gentle.
nosy nora suggested that i have a hole inside of me ... a hole that can't be filled, instead it needs to be mended.
i like that image.
i like the idea that i was using food to stuff myself to try to fill an endless pit. but an endless pit can't be filled.
i have been working on sealing up the hole inside of me instead. through gentleness and inquiry.
if you are struggling with bingeing, there are places that can help. i got help. i didn't solve this myself. email me and i will help you find support in your area.
be kind to yourself, there's no other way to be
xoxo
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