binge

i want to write about bingeing. i want to take away the secrecy and stop perpetuating the shame of it. 

i asked LES first if i should write about bingeing. it's a scary topic. she wrote to me and said, 

"i read your work because it normalizes it for me… helps me feel a wee bit less shame. I may not have the strength that you have in this moment to control it or frankly even notice it/that i was binging until reading your thing.. but yeah, it helps to remove shame by sharing our stories.. you may not be able to remove your own shame but by sharing you help remove a bit of mine"

i have been a binge-er since i was 13. 

and i now have gone months without bingeing and feel like i have that part of my life under some semblance of control (yes nosy nora, i will admit and take responsibility for SOME control in my life, for some things that i have control over ...). 

but as a child, i was a secret binge-er. i would sneak food and eat it super fast and hide the wrappers. i would eat nothing all day and then gorge myself on chocolate bars on the way home from school. i would snack on chips and cookies and crackers. 

i sent the above to LES and she wrote back: 

*she reads this with eyes wide open taking it all in as she binges on crackers, cookies and gold fish - not having eaten all day"

as i grew into an adult, the hiding became more intense and more important to the behaviour. 

what's it like to binge? it's the ultimate numbing experience. the food doesn't matter. it could be stale, hard, old ... it doesn't matter. because you don't taste the food. it's not about eating, it's about numbing. 

at my lowest point, i took a cake out of the garbage can and ate it. i ate a cake out of the garbage. i have also eaten cold french fries. out of a macdonalds bag. that was crumpled in the garbage can. 

geneen roth describes a binge as a way of eating, not an amount of food. she wrote that a binge can be 2 cookies. 

i have never eaten until i was sick. it is the intensity with which i find junk food and stuff it into me without tasting it. a binge can be on carrots. a binge is when you are eating instead of feeling your feelings. 

i often would binge because i didn't want to feel the emotions that come up - those difficult emotions that no one likes to feel: loneliness, fear, anger, sadness ... 

"if you don't allow feelings, if you push them away, they get bigger, become more threatening. feelings don't go away because you're afraid of them." - geneen roth

... i find myself now looking for food to binge on when i am feeling those emotions. but instead, i stop, i breathe, i sit down, and i ask myself what it is that i am feeling. what am i feeling and why? and i let the emotions pass through me. 

healing from bingeing (and purging) is hard work and there will always be relapses. 

geneen roth offers strategies for dealing with bingeing that include allowing yourself to binge and then being kind to yourself afterwards - incredibly kind and gentle. 

nosy nora suggested that i have a hole inside of me ... a hole that can't be filled, instead it needs to be mended. 

i like that image. 

i like the idea that i was using food to stuff myself to try to fill an endless pit. but an endless pit can't be filled. 

i have been working on sealing up the hole inside of me instead. through gentleness and inquiry. 

if you are struggling with bingeing, there are places that can help. i got help. i didn't solve this myself. email me and i will help you find support in your area. 


be kind to yourself, there's no other way to be

xoxo

...

balance and self-care

www.achieveinafrica.org

when i was a child, i had penpals all over the world. my favourite activity was to write a letter, on real paper, put it in an international mail envelope, put a stamp on it, and then drop it into the red mailbox. then i would wait about a month until i received a reply. my best pen pal lived in zimbabwe and sent me all sorts of letters and presents. i still have a necklace that she sent me 25 years ago. 

as an adult, in our constantly advancing technological world, i now have a digital pen pal: WTR

howtothisandthat.com 

WTR and i met randomly on a scrabble app about 4 years ago. and after a year of playing each other and chatting, decided to become facebook friends. and now she is my pen pal, only we chat in real time. funny how the world and the ways we make connections has changed so much in 20 years. 

today when i was chatting with WTR about my guilt over having been off work, she said:

"As women, we're programmed to think we can and should do it all. it's hard to accept that we can't and shouldn't try."

she is so right. 

from birth, we are conditioned to think that we can do it all. and when we can't do it all, we feel bad about ourselves. and we judge other women who don't seem to be doing it all. we judge women who give themselves permission to take time for themselves. we judge women who choose to stay home with their kids and we judge women who leave their kids and go to work. 

vicky-lifeonthehill.blogspot.com

we feel guilty and ashamed of being unable to balance work, family, home, friends, and a social life. cooking, cleaning, working, being a loving and attentive wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, an employee with responsibilities ... it's hard work. and no one can do it all without giving up themselves and their own needs. 

i decided to ask CP how she manages. she said:

"mostly i just make it all happen. and it feels like no one really notices,, except for other mamas. i tend to have a deep connection with those women. so, i make it work until i can't. and when i can't, i let it wash over me ... the way i do when i sit in a river with moving water. i cling to rocks and let the cool waters swim past me. and hopefully, when i come up for air, pieces of me haven't washed away ... no matter what, a new version of me will eventually be molded, eroded, and sculpted. and most of the time i am tickled and delighted to be in it. but it's fucking hard." 

how do we balance our lives so that we can give to others and to ourselves? how do we give to ourselves? 

kirstentulsian.com 

i think the balance comes in finding something for yourself. maybe it's coffee with a friend once a week, a yoga class, a favourite tv show, meditation, going for a walk, going to the gym, or even blogging. this blog is where i put my energy for myself. and writing posts for this blog is how i take time for myself.

i asked CP, what about time for yourself? her response was "hahahahahaha, i have to work up the courage to ask for it. and not feel guilty. or shitty."

so i asked Kate the same question. she replied: 

"i am an extremely high energy person. i value my time and my life. i love my job but it will never take precedence over my kids. i love my girls but work made me a better mom. working out gives me joy, a social life, and keeps me fit and sane."

so how do we give ourselves permission to do the things that nourish our soul? how do we make ourselves believe and accept that we are worthy and deserving of time for ourselves? 

Geneen Roth wrote:

finding the things that are worth doing is the secret to happiness. i totally just made that up. but i think that it might be true. "celebrate every one of your hungers" whether it be hunger for food, or hunger for writing, or hunger for running, or dancing, or reading, or walking, or talking to a friend, or volunteering ... "if it doesn't bring you pleasure, it's not worth doing" doesn't mean don't do the laundry. the laundry needs to get done. so do the dishes, and the cooking, and the cleaning, and paying the bills, and doing the grocery shopping ... what it does mean is, if working out at the gym doesn't bring you pleasure, then that isn't the right exercise for you; find a dance class, or go for a walk, or swim, or ride your bike. find the thing that brings you pleasure. 

in the meanwhile, as always, 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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