new years eve 2014

new years eve ... a time for reflection on the year that is ending before a new one begins. a time to ponder the events of the year that has passed and to make plans for the coming year. 

i don't make resolutions. they are too easy to break and let yourself down. but i do reflect on the past and the future. i do dream of things to come. 

2014 was a very difficult year for me. if you read through my blog posts from this last year, you can see how much i have changed. 

last year at this time i was barely holding myself together. i was emailing nosy nora (my therapist) pretty much daily just to keep connected to someone who knew that i was falling apart. in january i ended up taking a leave of absence from work. i was off for 6 weeks and spent that time curled up on the couch wrapped in a blanket. unable to do much of anything else. 

when i went back to work, it was only half time. that's all i could manage. 

i cried all the time. i felt like the world was crashing down around me and that i was being crushed underneath it. 

the fall of 2014 brought more sadness and hard times. i was dragging myself into work every day, but barely functioning. i was doing the bare minimum and luckily had GT to pick up the loose ends and keep things running smoothly. thank goodness for GT. 

every day at work i get a 40 minute prep time, where i plan my lessons, photocopy, mark work, etc. but i was using those 40 minutes to curl up in a ball on a dog bed that i had stashed under my desk. when i think of it now, it feels crazy. totally and completely crazy. but at the time it was what i needed to do just to function. i needed to curl up in a ball and close my eyes for those 40 minutes. 

then at lunch time i would eat quickly and head back to my dog bed under my desk for a 15 minute curl up. 

i have come a long way. not only am i now using my prep time to actually prepare things, i have moved the dog bed out from under my desk and i no longer feel the need to curl up in a ball. 

i will admit that part of the change has to do with a change in medications that has really helped me cope with the world. but part of it are the huge changes that i have made over the last year. 

see the following blog posts to read about the changes that i have made. 

http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/11/changes.html

http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/11/beads.html

i can honestly say that i feel happiness. i am sitting my couch, listening to christmas music by the tree and thinking about the good things that are to come. 2015 is a mystery. full of potential and adventure. and it will be what we make it. 

i can't talk about new years eve without talking about gigi. 19 years ago today was the last time that i spoke to her. she was trying to convince me to go to a party with her, but i had chosen to babysit. i was miserable that night. grumpy. out of sorts. 

and gigi died at that party. i always wonder how my life would have been different had i been there. for years i believed that i could have changed the outcome. could have noticed earlier. could have called 911 faster. could have saved her. 

i know now that i couldn't. i know now that she came into my life to give me the gift of true friendship. to teach me that i could be loved for who i am, not for who people tried to make me be. and that is a gift i have carried with me all these years. 

i wish you all the best in 2015. i wish you happiness, magic, and adventure. i wish you true friendship and that you can believe that you deserve to be love for who you are. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo