Food Rules

As most of my readers know, I have an eating disorder. It started around the time that I was twelve years old. I was convinced from an early age that I was fat. Recently I have looked at photos of myself as a child and discovered that in fact I was not. I was an average sized girl. 

But family influences, people's comments, and my experience of the world led me to believe that I was enormous. 

My eating disorder is known as EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. That basically means that my behaviours do not fit the criteria for anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder. It also involves atypical eating behaviours.  

I have symptoms of all three disorders but do not fall into any diagnosed category. 

I have written about my eating rules in the past. But I want to revisit them because I am trying to break my own rules. 

Rule number one: do not eat foods that are phalic in shape unless they are broken or cut up into pieces. Bananas. Cucumbers. Carrots. Eating these foods in front of people is a definite no no. It has the potential to draw attention to myself. Which is not okay. 

Rule number 2:  never eat messy foods with my hands. This draws attention to me as well. People see me opening my mouth wide. They see me biting into the food. They see me dropping bits of the food. Or getting it on my hands. Or my shirt. This is completely unacceptable. 

Rule number 3:  eating foods that you need to bite into is just plain wrong. Hamburgers, sandwiches, cookies, even apples. This also draws attention to me. Everyone looks. Everyone stares. Everyone judges me. So I need to tear off pieces of the food. Or use a knife and fork. 

Rule number 4:   Do not eat anything on a bone. On a bone and messy is even worse. Chicken wings are the absolute worst! If I do eat chicken wings which is basically NEVER, I eat them with a knife and fork. Trust me, this isn't easy. But eating such a messy food on a bone would certainly make me be noticed by people around me. Being seen equals being judged. 

Rule number 5:   Do not eat brown foods if there are other people around. This includes cake, brownies, cookies, chocolate bars, or pudding. It also includes drinking things like hot chocolate. Why? Because it can get on your teeth. Getting brown stuff on your teeth means people seeing. People seeing means people knowing what I ate. People knowing what I ate means that I will be judged. 

Rule number 6:    Do not eat treats in front of other people. Fat people aren't supposed to eat or enjoy treats. We are supposed to eat salads. And if we are seen eating treats, then people will think, ahh. That's why she's so fat. 

I can't tell you how many times colleagues, family, or friends have commented on what I choose to eat. All in the guise of concern. Giving weight loss advice. Worrying about my health. My food choices are noticed and pointed out by the people around me. Eating treats in front of others means being judged. 

If I do break the brown, sweets, or hands rule, then I am convinced that everyone sees me as a big fat pig covered in the evidence of my choices. I am convinced that I will be seen as even larger than I really am. 

So when treats are brought to work, I say no thank you. I WANT the cookies or pastries or cupcakes. But my fear of being judged. My fear of the comments, prevents me from enjoying what everyone else enjoys. Instead, I stick to eating salad. Regardless of what I feel like eating. And it's not fair. I watch everyone else enjoying and savouring their desserts while I sit and eat my Special K bar, or my weight watchers square. And it's truly unfair. 

If I do break the rules, then I imagine that the people seeing me start to picture me sitting home alone stuffing my face. Recklessly devouring entire cakes all on my own. I imagine that people are picturing me covered in icing. Surrounded by empty wrappers. My stomach distended from a binge. 

These thoughts lead me to want to binge. To go home and secretly eat a container of danishes. To hide chocolate in my car and eat it surreptitiously as I drive. 

Fat people are public property. We are ridiculed, shamed, called names, commented on. Commented to. What we eat is everyone else's business. So I imagine that when I eat, I am being observed. Judged. Seen. I imagine that I look like I am binging, even when I am breaking my food into small pieces that are barely noticeable.

And sometimes, it isn't my imagination at all. Sometimes people do comment on my food choices. Sometimes people call me names. Sometimes people call out to me from cars. 

Fat people are somehow subhuman. 

Eating in front of people causes me great shame. It makes me vulnerable. Raw. It hurts to chew if I am being watched. It makes me feel naked. Exposed. Every bite is a burden. Every piece of food is a giant wailing siren drawing attention to the size of my thighs. The size of my stomach. The size of my double chin. 

And so I sit with the dilemma of what to eat. Whether I am alone, with friends, with family, with colleagues, or in public. It doesn't matter. The more I lean towards how I SHOULD choose fruit salad, the more I WANT to eat chocolate cake. Whenever I impose rules on my choices of foods, I rebel. The more I tell myself to eat salad, the more cookies I eat. 

Eating is either a chore or a punishment. I don't enjoy my food. I either eat because I am supposed to eat, or I eat in response to strong emotions. Both are painful. Neither involve pleasure, enjoyment, fulfilment. 

What I eat seems to be everyone else's business. HOW I eat is my response to that. 

The fact is, what I eat is nobody's fucking business. I should be able to eat what I want and to enjoy it. I wish that I could. 

I wish that we could all go back to a time of innocence before societal influences caused us to care about our appearance. Before we cared about where our food came from or where it ended up. Before our size mattered to us. 

Let's break our rules. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Asking for support

For many years I felt alone. 

Most of my life in fact. 

I felt like I wasn't allowed to have emotions, let alone express them. So I held everything inside. 

The pain of holding in my emotions led me to self-medicate. I turned to food, and drugs, and purging, and shame. 

I was afraid to ask for help. 

When I was 13, I wanted nothing more than to die. And I told no one. I was afraid that no one could possibly understand my pain. That I would be laughed at. Scorned. That i would be punished for not being able to suck it up and to survive on my own. 

So I suffered in silence. 

As I got older, things only got worse. I had more access to drugs. I had money to spend. I had more privacy for my bingeing and purging. 

I was so afraid to ask for help. Asking for help meant that I was weak. It meant that I would be judged. It meant that I would be deserted. Abandoned. I would be even more alone. So I said nothing. 

I was afraid. 

And time continued to pass me by. I felt trapped by my own fears and sadness. I was afraid of everything. I never wanted to carry a purse because someone might steal it. I couldn't have the car windows open because someone could reach in and take what was on the front passenger seat, or worse, attack me. I couldn't walk alone because I might be raped. I was afraid of the tires falling off my car. I was afraid that I would fall down the stairs. I was afraid that my house would burn down. 

I was trapped by my anxiety. In a prison of fears. 

So I focused on solving other people's problems. I put everyone's needs ahead of my own. I joined a million committees. I took extra courses at university. I took on 3 jobs. 

And this continued into my adult life. Focusing on other people's problems. Helping everyone else. Taking on their emotions until I felt like I was being stretched in 10 directions at one time. 

And then one day, I had enough. Enough of being scared. Enough of holding in all my feelings. Enough of taking care of everyone else and not taking care of myself. I knew that if I didn't ask for help that I was going to snap. 

I needed support. 

So ... I went online and looked up therapists. I looked through profiles, reading about different modalities. But to be honest, I was mostly looking at the photos. Trying to decide who looked kind. Who looked like they wouldn't judge me. Whose eyes I could trust. 

I chose Nosy Nora. 

At first I was resistant. Asking for support was scary. It meant giving myself over to someone else. Opening up and talking about those pesky things called "feelings" and it was hard. She kept asking me about feelings. I actually had to google a list of feeling words. Write them down. Refer to them. So that I had words to choose from. 

It got easier over time. As I got to know her, I grew to trust her. And I started to learn that it was ok to share my feelings. That it was okay to ask for help. 

The more I began to ask Nosy Nora for support, the harder it became. I felt so needy. I felt like a burden. I felt like I was too much. (Sometimes I still do) But the more she supported me, the more I began to realize that it was okay to need support. She kept telling me that everyone needs each other. That no one can go through life alone. 

So slowly, I let myself be vulnerable and I began to open up to friends. I began to ask for support. And shockingly to me .... I got it. 

People were willing to listen. People were willing to be with me. No matter how messed up I was. 

Because I was able to ask for support, I was able to face my darkness. To open myself up. To share my secrets. To tell my story. To start this blog. To use my experiences to help other people. To share with the world that we are not alone. 

As Nosy Nora says, we all need each other (even if I still often struggle to accept that and feel like my need is a burden). 

The more I ask for support, the more I find it. In unexpected places. The more I share my story, the more love I receive. 

And even when I feel completely alone, I am not. 

Thank goodness for friendship. For love. For my spouse. For my colleagues. For my friends. 

Thank goodness for support. And for hugs. 

If you feel alone. Ask for help. It's okay. I promise. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Shame Cycle

I am caught in a vicious shame cycle. 

I start to feel good about myself. So I panic. I try to identify what is feeling good. And I try to recreate that. I haven't been eating bread. So that must be it. Obviously. 

So I don't eat any bread. And I'm feeling good. 

I can conquer the world. I'm unstoppable. And I don't eat bread. 

Which makes me want bread. But I won't cheat on myself. So I don't eat bread. Until all I can think about is eating bread. So I buy some and eat 2 slices. 

And then that's it. 

I'm a fucking idiot who has screwed up her life because obviously it was not eating bread that had been making things good. And I've already screwed it up by eating those 2 slices, so why not 2 more. And while we are at it, I'll have a few cookies. Okay maybe 5. And now I've really messed up and ruined everything. So I eat a bag of chips. Followed by 9 danishes. 

Then why stop? There's ice cream in the freezer. So let's eat that right out of the carton standing in the kitchen. 

At that point in the binge there are no thoughts. There is only numbness and the automatic muscle memory of lifting hand to mouth, chewing fast, without thinking. Swallowing. Fast. Gulping down the food. Maybe if I can make the food disappear then I can disappear with it. Or at least my feelings can. 

At some point the trance breaks and I am left with wrappers and crumbs and a very full belly and mounds of guilt and shame. 

Them comes the struggle. The tears begin. I am a disappointment. I am a loser. I am out of control. My life is shit. I'm useless. Worthless. Undeserving. 

Then the anger. How could I have done this? Why I am I so stupid? Why can't I stop myself? Why do I do this over and over again? Who is the boss of my body? How am I such an idiot? 

And there is only one way to end the physical discomfort along with the shame. I need to empty myself of these feelings that I have shoved deep down inside of me with piles of food. 

So I go up to the bathroom, close the door, put my hair in a ponytail and crouch down over the toilet. 

And then comes the release. The purging of all that is bad and rotten and dark and secretive inside of me. It all comes out and I can flush it away. 

For a few minutes. 

Then reality sets back in. The reality of being weak. The reality of being stuck in this eating disordered way of thinking. And the shame comes back. Stronger than ever. 

Because I know better. 

So I promise myself that I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to be "good". I'm going to take care of myself. I'm going to eat right and exercise and I am going to feel good. When I want to binge I am going to do something active instead. When I want to purge I am going to email nosy Nora and tell her all the things I am thinking and feeling. What she aptly named "word vomit". I'm going to go to therapy and talk about my feelings. So I have no reasons to binge or to purge. 

Then I start to feel good. And I panic. What is making me feel good? And what happens if I lose this shred of happiness. What am I doing different? And how can I keep doing it? 

And the cycle repeats. 

Restricting. Rebelling. Shaming. Restricting. Rebelling. Shaming. 

There must be a way to climb out of this hole. To break the cycle. To break the chains that hold me in this pattern of shame and blame. 

When I find the way out, I'll let you know. In the meanwhile, I will keep hanging on and I hope that you can too. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

purging

"For me, the shame of having eaten "too much" is more than the shame of purging. Feeling empty equals feeling in control." - blog reader

i recently worked up the courage to write about bingeing ... and now i am going to write about purging. 

purging is filled with so much shame and stigma. even more so than bingeing.

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.” 
― Marya Hornbacher

when i was 13 years old, i started at a new school. it was terrifying. and i was severely bullied. each morning, i would hide in the bathroom at school, sick to my stomach, and i would throw up. and as time went on, it became more of a habit than a need. 

purging is often inevitable. when you feel like you have filled your belly. especially after a binge, when you feel disgustingly full. purging is the ultimate form of control. emptying yourself of all emotions. taking your energy and emptying yourself of all your thoughts.

i started to have panic attacks when i was 26. only i didn't know what they were. i, and my doctors, thought there was something physically wrong with me. it would start with a crushing sensation around my rib cage. and i would feel a sharp pain in my shoulder blade. and the only relief from the pain would be to make myself vomit. i even had my gallbladder taken out, the doctors thinking that my gallbladder was the cause. but the crushing pains continued. i had test after test and was put on all sorts of pills - pills to make my esophagus move, pills to deal with heartburn. 

it wasn't until last year that i came to realize and understand that it was panic attacks and that i was making myself throw up to relieve the pressure.  

“If you put the wrong foods in your body, you are contaminated and dirty and your stomach swells. Then the voice says, Why did you do that? Don't you know better? Ugly and wicked, you are disgusting to me.” 
― Bethany Pierce

after a binge, one feels disgusting and disappointed. one feels ugly and fat and stupid. and feels the need to rid oneself of the food that was consumed in a passion, in oblivion ...

“Your lowest moment in life can be your best if you survive it and learn from it” 
― Brian Cuban

i learned to control my purging. i learned to write instead of purge. it took time and support. it took survival skills. 

“You know you've got problems when your head is hanging over the toilet, puking up your dinner, and what you're thinking of is your dad. And how he thinks you're not pretty.” 
― Teresa Lo

people who purge do so for so many, many reasons. some of which have to do with body image or childhood trauma. often it has to do with a sense of the need for control. and other times it has nothing to do with body image but has to do with the need to deny one's feelings. to numb oneself to the pain of the world.

“In yet another paradox, bulimia nervosa serves as both an expression of feelings and a defense against experiencing feelings, particularly shame, anger, loneliness, sadness, envy, and guilt. A person with bulimia nervosa fear, whether consciously or unconsciously, that painful feelings would be unbearable, even annihilating".” 
― Sheila M. Reindl

painful feelings .... unbearable ... annihilating ... purging is ultimately empowering. it is a way to control the uncontrollable. 

bingeing and purging often go hand in hand. it begins with a diet. a sense of control. feeling like THIS time the diet will work. this time you will be able to control everything. but then, when you feel deprived, you cheat on your diet. you then feel like a total and complete loser. so you figure, what the hell, you might as well keep eating. so you eat and eat ...

“You see, a binge is almost always inevitable when one goes withut eating for such a long period of time. It doesn't just satisfy the physical hunger that becomes you; it nourishes the psychological need to escape from your own controlling mind. In this way, the binge presents itself as the ultimate loss of control.” 
― Leanne Waters

... and after the binge i feel worse than imaginable. i wake up from the loss of control and need to get that control back. to empty myself. 

it's a cycle of shame. shame of how you look or how you feel. shame about your choices. shame about what you put into your body and shame about what you took out. 

"My whole life I’ve leaned toward all-or-nothing thinking. Black or white. Binge or restrict. Terrible day or terrific.

In my mind I was either the energizer bunny or a sloth. I was either beautiful or blah. And how could I be beautiful if I was only pretty sometimes?

If I ate too much, I’d think F that, my diet is ruined! and pile on the extra helpings. I didn’t ask myself if I really wanted more, if I genuinely wanted to enjoy extra bites. No. Instead, I was focused on the fact that tomorrow I’d need to be perfect. 

Tomorrow would be the day. The day I’d follow that diet flawlessly. And then in a week, a few weeks, when I lost some weight, I could finally start taking better care of myself. I could show my face at the gym. I could finally appreciate my body. I could feel better about myself." - http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2014/09/the-opportunity-in-every-moment/

shame.

bulimia is filled with shame. 

be kind to yourself,
xoxo
... here are some websites that are helpful:

http://sheenasplace.org/

http://susanschulherr.com/index.php

http://www.fatnutritionist.com/

http://sheenasplace.org/category/blog/

http://makepeacewithfood2day.blogspot.ca/

http://eatingdisordersblogs.com/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_treatment.htm

http://www.nedic.ca/

http://www.bulimia.com/topics/support-groups/

http://www.bellwood.ca/eating-disorders/

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/

https://www.facebook.com/sheenasplacetoronto


http://www.bulimia.com/

bulimia.supportgroups.com/



http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/overcoming-bulimia-online/

binge

i want to write about bingeing. i want to take away the secrecy and stop perpetuating the shame of it. 

i asked LES first if i should write about bingeing. it's a scary topic. she wrote to me and said, 

"i read your work because it normalizes it for me… helps me feel a wee bit less shame. I may not have the strength that you have in this moment to control it or frankly even notice it/that i was binging until reading your thing.. but yeah, it helps to remove shame by sharing our stories.. you may not be able to remove your own shame but by sharing you help remove a bit of mine"

i have been a binge-er since i was 13. 

and i now have gone months without bingeing and feel like i have that part of my life under some semblance of control (yes nosy nora, i will admit and take responsibility for SOME control in my life, for some things that i have control over ...). 

but as a child, i was a secret binge-er. i would sneak food and eat it super fast and hide the wrappers. i would eat nothing all day and then gorge myself on chocolate bars on the way home from school. i would snack on chips and cookies and crackers. 

i sent the above to LES and she wrote back: 

*she reads this with eyes wide open taking it all in as she binges on crackers, cookies and gold fish - not having eaten all day"

as i grew into an adult, the hiding became more intense and more important to the behaviour. 

what's it like to binge? it's the ultimate numbing experience. the food doesn't matter. it could be stale, hard, old ... it doesn't matter. because you don't taste the food. it's not about eating, it's about numbing. 

at my lowest point, i took a cake out of the garbage can and ate it. i ate a cake out of the garbage. i have also eaten cold french fries. out of a macdonalds bag. that was crumpled in the garbage can. 

geneen roth describes a binge as a way of eating, not an amount of food. she wrote that a binge can be 2 cookies. 

i have never eaten until i was sick. it is the intensity with which i find junk food and stuff it into me without tasting it. a binge can be on carrots. a binge is when you are eating instead of feeling your feelings. 

i often would binge because i didn't want to feel the emotions that come up - those difficult emotions that no one likes to feel: loneliness, fear, anger, sadness ... 

"if you don't allow feelings, if you push them away, they get bigger, become more threatening. feelings don't go away because you're afraid of them." - geneen roth

... i find myself now looking for food to binge on when i am feeling those emotions. but instead, i stop, i breathe, i sit down, and i ask myself what it is that i am feeling. what am i feeling and why? and i let the emotions pass through me. 

healing from bingeing (and purging) is hard work and there will always be relapses. 

geneen roth offers strategies for dealing with bingeing that include allowing yourself to binge and then being kind to yourself afterwards - incredibly kind and gentle. 

nosy nora suggested that i have a hole inside of me ... a hole that can't be filled, instead it needs to be mended. 

i like that image. 

i like the idea that i was using food to stuff myself to try to fill an endless pit. but an endless pit can't be filled. 

i have been working on sealing up the hole inside of me instead. through gentleness and inquiry. 

if you are struggling with bingeing, there are places that can help. i got help. i didn't solve this myself. email me and i will help you find support in your area. 


be kind to yourself, there's no other way to be

xoxo

...

emotional harm reduction

harm reduction is a set of principles used in addiction support. it is strategies for supporting people, in whatever stage of their drug use, to make their use safer. 

today LES suggested i write about emotional harm reduction and what that means to me. for example, if you have a list of things to do and you feel completely paralyzed, picking one thing and focusing on that and doing that one thing can make it easier to accomplish something.  

i thought a lot today about harm reduction and how it could be applied to emotions and to our responses to emotions. and i decided that i would write 8 principles of emotional harm reduction, based on the principles of harm reduction as it relates to substance abuse. 

1. accept that emotions are part of everyone's daily lives and that it is better to minimize the harmful effects of our responses to emotions than to ignore or suppress these emotions: each day we have various emotions flow through us. the emotions themselves are harmless, but can cause duress. we need to find ways to minimize our harmful reactions to the emotions that we feel. for example, when you are feeling overwhelmed your response to that feeling can often be to do something harmful to yourself instead of self-care; i.e. choosing to do something soothing and calming like taking a bath/shower, making some tea, taking some deep breaths, playing an instrument, going for a walk etc. 

2. emotions can elicit all sorts of responses in individuals, and some responses are more appropriate than others. it is important to acknowledge that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with our emotions: unhealthy ways to deal with emotions include self-harm or harming someone else, purging, suppressing, or taking it out on someone else. healthy ways include practicing self-care, talking to a safe person, or even meditating ... it's okay to stop and take care of yourself when you are experiencing an emotion that feels "too much."

3. successful intervention of our own responses to our emotions involve creating safe ways to express emotions, not ceasing to have emotions altogether: learning to allow myself to have emotions and to find ways to say to someone "i feel ..." has been the most challenging and also most rewarding and liberating experience of my life. for me, a safe way to express my emotions has been in writing (either this blog, emails, texts, and even facebook chats) and also in therapy. being able to express emotions safely makes experiencing emotions more comfortable (or bearable). 

4. finding ways to work with supportive people to explore our emotions in a way that reduces our negative reactions to these emotions: therapy. good friends. compassionate and loving people. finding a support system.

5. empower ourselves to be the ones to understand our emotions and to know what we need: only you can know what you are feeling and what you need. only you can know whether or not meditation is right for you. getting suggestions from people is fine, but only you can know WHAT will work for you and what wont. you need to be empowered to be able to stand up for your needs. 

6. recognize that social inequities, personal identities, past trauma, and our vulnerability affect our capacity to effectively deal with our emotions and how we react to having them: we all have a past. we all have things in our life that have made us who we are. and some of us have not learned how to react to having emotions that throw us into a tailspin. it's okay to ask for help. it's okay to admit that you don't know how to react in a safe and supportive way to your own emotions. and it is okay to seek help. 

7. do not minimize or ignore the potential harm that we can cause to ourselves based on our reactions to our sometimes difficult emotions: self-harm or harming someone else, purging, suppressing, or taking it out on someone else, can all be dangerous reactions to difficult emotions. it is important to recognize that this is true, so that we can create ways to safely and healthfully deal with our emotions. 

8. ensure that our own voices are heard when we seek help to understand our emotions: if you have taken the step to go to therapy, and you don't feel heard, then find a new therapist. seriously. i am not making light of a serious situation. i have been in various therapeutic settings over the last 17 years and only in the last year and a half have i been in a setting where my voice is heard. you are the only person who knows how you are feeling. your voice matters. (click here for my post on why i support the experience of going to therapy)

so what does this mean when we are dealing with our emotions? sometimes fear and anxiety can rule our lives. we are afraid to try things, afraid to put ourselves out there, afraid to be vulnerable. sometimes showing up is the most that we can do. LES said, "... you can do nothing for fear of failure or you can try, and see what happens ... time is going to pass anyways ..." 

for 30 years, i suppressed my emotions. i found ways to numb myself so that i didn't have to feel anger, hurt, sadness, longing, loneliness, despair, fear ... i found ways to push those emotions aside ... and to not FEEL anything. 

but in doing so, i made it impossible to feel joy, bliss, happiness, excitement, pleasure ... 

as i explore my own emotions, i am learning ways to "handle" my feelings. i am learning ways to feel the emotions without having a total and complete breakdown every time a feeling passes through me. it isn't easy. Nosy Nora says, "it sucks," and it does. but feeling is so much better than not feeling ... believe me.

as always ...

be kind to yourself, 


xoxo

...