Food Rules

As most of my readers know, I have an eating disorder. It started around the time that I was twelve years old. I was convinced from an early age that I was fat. Recently I have looked at photos of myself as a child and discovered that in fact I was not. I was an average sized girl. 

But family influences, people's comments, and my experience of the world led me to believe that I was enormous. 

My eating disorder is known as EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. That basically means that my behaviours do not fit the criteria for anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder. It also involves atypical eating behaviours.  

I have symptoms of all three disorders but do not fall into any diagnosed category. 

I have written about my eating rules in the past. But I want to revisit them because I am trying to break my own rules. 

Rule number one: do not eat foods that are phalic in shape unless they are broken or cut up into pieces. Bananas. Cucumbers. Carrots. Eating these foods in front of people is a definite no no. It has the potential to draw attention to myself. Which is not okay. 

Rule number 2:  never eat messy foods with my hands. This draws attention to me as well. People see me opening my mouth wide. They see me biting into the food. They see me dropping bits of the food. Or getting it on my hands. Or my shirt. This is completely unacceptable. 

Rule number 3:  eating foods that you need to bite into is just plain wrong. Hamburgers, sandwiches, cookies, even apples. This also draws attention to me. Everyone looks. Everyone stares. Everyone judges me. So I need to tear off pieces of the food. Or use a knife and fork. 

Rule number 4:   Do not eat anything on a bone. On a bone and messy is even worse. Chicken wings are the absolute worst! If I do eat chicken wings which is basically NEVER, I eat them with a knife and fork. Trust me, this isn't easy. But eating such a messy food on a bone would certainly make me be noticed by people around me. Being seen equals being judged. 

Rule number 5:   Do not eat brown foods if there are other people around. This includes cake, brownies, cookies, chocolate bars, or pudding. It also includes drinking things like hot chocolate. Why? Because it can get on your teeth. Getting brown stuff on your teeth means people seeing. People seeing means people knowing what I ate. People knowing what I ate means that I will be judged. 

Rule number 6:    Do not eat treats in front of other people. Fat people aren't supposed to eat or enjoy treats. We are supposed to eat salads. And if we are seen eating treats, then people will think, ahh. That's why she's so fat. 

I can't tell you how many times colleagues, family, or friends have commented on what I choose to eat. All in the guise of concern. Giving weight loss advice. Worrying about my health. My food choices are noticed and pointed out by the people around me. Eating treats in front of others means being judged. 

If I do break the brown, sweets, or hands rule, then I am convinced that everyone sees me as a big fat pig covered in the evidence of my choices. I am convinced that I will be seen as even larger than I really am. 

So when treats are brought to work, I say no thank you. I WANT the cookies or pastries or cupcakes. But my fear of being judged. My fear of the comments, prevents me from enjoying what everyone else enjoys. Instead, I stick to eating salad. Regardless of what I feel like eating. And it's not fair. I watch everyone else enjoying and savouring their desserts while I sit and eat my Special K bar, or my weight watchers square. And it's truly unfair. 

If I do break the rules, then I imagine that the people seeing me start to picture me sitting home alone stuffing my face. Recklessly devouring entire cakes all on my own. I imagine that people are picturing me covered in icing. Surrounded by empty wrappers. My stomach distended from a binge. 

These thoughts lead me to want to binge. To go home and secretly eat a container of danishes. To hide chocolate in my car and eat it surreptitiously as I drive. 

Fat people are public property. We are ridiculed, shamed, called names, commented on. Commented to. What we eat is everyone else's business. So I imagine that when I eat, I am being observed. Judged. Seen. I imagine that I look like I am binging, even when I am breaking my food into small pieces that are barely noticeable.

And sometimes, it isn't my imagination at all. Sometimes people do comment on my food choices. Sometimes people call me names. Sometimes people call out to me from cars. 

Fat people are somehow subhuman. 

Eating in front of people causes me great shame. It makes me vulnerable. Raw. It hurts to chew if I am being watched. It makes me feel naked. Exposed. Every bite is a burden. Every piece of food is a giant wailing siren drawing attention to the size of my thighs. The size of my stomach. The size of my double chin. 

And so I sit with the dilemma of what to eat. Whether I am alone, with friends, with family, with colleagues, or in public. It doesn't matter. The more I lean towards how I SHOULD choose fruit salad, the more I WANT to eat chocolate cake. Whenever I impose rules on my choices of foods, I rebel. The more I tell myself to eat salad, the more cookies I eat. 

Eating is either a chore or a punishment. I don't enjoy my food. I either eat because I am supposed to eat, or I eat in response to strong emotions. Both are painful. Neither involve pleasure, enjoyment, fulfilment. 

What I eat seems to be everyone else's business. HOW I eat is my response to that. 

The fact is, what I eat is nobody's fucking business. I should be able to eat what I want and to enjoy it. I wish that I could. 

I wish that we could all go back to a time of innocence before societal influences caused us to care about our appearance. Before we cared about where our food came from or where it ended up. Before our size mattered to us. 

Let's break our rules. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Shame Cycle

I am caught in a vicious shame cycle. 

I start to feel good about myself. So I panic. I try to identify what is feeling good. And I try to recreate that. I haven't been eating bread. So that must be it. Obviously. 

So I don't eat any bread. And I'm feeling good. 

I can conquer the world. I'm unstoppable. And I don't eat bread. 

Which makes me want bread. But I won't cheat on myself. So I don't eat bread. Until all I can think about is eating bread. So I buy some and eat 2 slices. 

And then that's it. 

I'm a fucking idiot who has screwed up her life because obviously it was not eating bread that had been making things good. And I've already screwed it up by eating those 2 slices, so why not 2 more. And while we are at it, I'll have a few cookies. Okay maybe 5. And now I've really messed up and ruined everything. So I eat a bag of chips. Followed by 9 danishes. 

Then why stop? There's ice cream in the freezer. So let's eat that right out of the carton standing in the kitchen. 

At that point in the binge there are no thoughts. There is only numbness and the automatic muscle memory of lifting hand to mouth, chewing fast, without thinking. Swallowing. Fast. Gulping down the food. Maybe if I can make the food disappear then I can disappear with it. Or at least my feelings can. 

At some point the trance breaks and I am left with wrappers and crumbs and a very full belly and mounds of guilt and shame. 

Them comes the struggle. The tears begin. I am a disappointment. I am a loser. I am out of control. My life is shit. I'm useless. Worthless. Undeserving. 

Then the anger. How could I have done this? Why I am I so stupid? Why can't I stop myself? Why do I do this over and over again? Who is the boss of my body? How am I such an idiot? 

And there is only one way to end the physical discomfort along with the shame. I need to empty myself of these feelings that I have shoved deep down inside of me with piles of food. 

So I go up to the bathroom, close the door, put my hair in a ponytail and crouch down over the toilet. 

And then comes the release. The purging of all that is bad and rotten and dark and secretive inside of me. It all comes out and I can flush it away. 

For a few minutes. 

Then reality sets back in. The reality of being weak. The reality of being stuck in this eating disordered way of thinking. And the shame comes back. Stronger than ever. 

Because I know better. 

So I promise myself that I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to be "good". I'm going to take care of myself. I'm going to eat right and exercise and I am going to feel good. When I want to binge I am going to do something active instead. When I want to purge I am going to email nosy Nora and tell her all the things I am thinking and feeling. What she aptly named "word vomit". I'm going to go to therapy and talk about my feelings. So I have no reasons to binge or to purge. 

Then I start to feel good. And I panic. What is making me feel good? And what happens if I lose this shred of happiness. What am I doing different? And how can I keep doing it? 

And the cycle repeats. 

Restricting. Rebelling. Shaming. Restricting. Rebelling. Shaming. 

There must be a way to climb out of this hole. To break the cycle. To break the chains that hold me in this pattern of shame and blame. 

When I find the way out, I'll let you know. In the meanwhile, I will keep hanging on and I hope that you can too. 

Be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

purging

"For me, the shame of having eaten "too much" is more than the shame of purging. Feeling empty equals feeling in control." - blog reader

i recently worked up the courage to write about bingeing ... and now i am going to write about purging. 

purging is filled with so much shame and stigma. even more so than bingeing.

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.” 
― Marya Hornbacher

when i was 13 years old, i started at a new school. it was terrifying. and i was severely bullied. each morning, i would hide in the bathroom at school, sick to my stomach, and i would throw up. and as time went on, it became more of a habit than a need. 

purging is often inevitable. when you feel like you have filled your belly. especially after a binge, when you feel disgustingly full. purging is the ultimate form of control. emptying yourself of all emotions. taking your energy and emptying yourself of all your thoughts.

i started to have panic attacks when i was 26. only i didn't know what they were. i, and my doctors, thought there was something physically wrong with me. it would start with a crushing sensation around my rib cage. and i would feel a sharp pain in my shoulder blade. and the only relief from the pain would be to make myself vomit. i even had my gallbladder taken out, the doctors thinking that my gallbladder was the cause. but the crushing pains continued. i had test after test and was put on all sorts of pills - pills to make my esophagus move, pills to deal with heartburn. 

it wasn't until last year that i came to realize and understand that it was panic attacks and that i was making myself throw up to relieve the pressure.  

“If you put the wrong foods in your body, you are contaminated and dirty and your stomach swells. Then the voice says, Why did you do that? Don't you know better? Ugly and wicked, you are disgusting to me.” 
― Bethany Pierce

after a binge, one feels disgusting and disappointed. one feels ugly and fat and stupid. and feels the need to rid oneself of the food that was consumed in a passion, in oblivion ...

“Your lowest moment in life can be your best if you survive it and learn from it” 
― Brian Cuban

i learned to control my purging. i learned to write instead of purge. it took time and support. it took survival skills. 

“You know you've got problems when your head is hanging over the toilet, puking up your dinner, and what you're thinking of is your dad. And how he thinks you're not pretty.” 
― Teresa Lo

people who purge do so for so many, many reasons. some of which have to do with body image or childhood trauma. often it has to do with a sense of the need for control. and other times it has nothing to do with body image but has to do with the need to deny one's feelings. to numb oneself to the pain of the world.

“In yet another paradox, bulimia nervosa serves as both an expression of feelings and a defense against experiencing feelings, particularly shame, anger, loneliness, sadness, envy, and guilt. A person with bulimia nervosa fear, whether consciously or unconsciously, that painful feelings would be unbearable, even annihilating".” 
― Sheila M. Reindl

painful feelings .... unbearable ... annihilating ... purging is ultimately empowering. it is a way to control the uncontrollable. 

bingeing and purging often go hand in hand. it begins with a diet. a sense of control. feeling like THIS time the diet will work. this time you will be able to control everything. but then, when you feel deprived, you cheat on your diet. you then feel like a total and complete loser. so you figure, what the hell, you might as well keep eating. so you eat and eat ...

“You see, a binge is almost always inevitable when one goes withut eating for such a long period of time. It doesn't just satisfy the physical hunger that becomes you; it nourishes the psychological need to escape from your own controlling mind. In this way, the binge presents itself as the ultimate loss of control.” 
― Leanne Waters

... and after the binge i feel worse than imaginable. i wake up from the loss of control and need to get that control back. to empty myself. 

it's a cycle of shame. shame of how you look or how you feel. shame about your choices. shame about what you put into your body and shame about what you took out. 

"My whole life I’ve leaned toward all-or-nothing thinking. Black or white. Binge or restrict. Terrible day or terrific.

In my mind I was either the energizer bunny or a sloth. I was either beautiful or blah. And how could I be beautiful if I was only pretty sometimes?

If I ate too much, I’d think F that, my diet is ruined! and pile on the extra helpings. I didn’t ask myself if I really wanted more, if I genuinely wanted to enjoy extra bites. No. Instead, I was focused on the fact that tomorrow I’d need to be perfect. 

Tomorrow would be the day. The day I’d follow that diet flawlessly. And then in a week, a few weeks, when I lost some weight, I could finally start taking better care of myself. I could show my face at the gym. I could finally appreciate my body. I could feel better about myself." - http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2014/09/the-opportunity-in-every-moment/

shame.

bulimia is filled with shame. 

be kind to yourself,
xoxo
... here are some websites that are helpful:

http://sheenasplace.org/

http://susanschulherr.com/index.php

http://www.fatnutritionist.com/

http://sheenasplace.org/category/blog/

http://makepeacewithfood2day.blogspot.ca/

http://eatingdisordersblogs.com/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_treatment.htm

http://www.nedic.ca/

http://www.bulimia.com/topics/support-groups/

http://www.bellwood.ca/eating-disorders/

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/

https://www.facebook.com/sheenasplacetoronto


http://www.bulimia.com/

bulimia.supportgroups.com/



http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/overcoming-bulimia-online/

binge

i want to write about bingeing. i want to take away the secrecy and stop perpetuating the shame of it. 

i asked LES first if i should write about bingeing. it's a scary topic. she wrote to me and said, 

"i read your work because it normalizes it for me… helps me feel a wee bit less shame. I may not have the strength that you have in this moment to control it or frankly even notice it/that i was binging until reading your thing.. but yeah, it helps to remove shame by sharing our stories.. you may not be able to remove your own shame but by sharing you help remove a bit of mine"

i have been a binge-er since i was 13. 

and i now have gone months without bingeing and feel like i have that part of my life under some semblance of control (yes nosy nora, i will admit and take responsibility for SOME control in my life, for some things that i have control over ...). 

but as a child, i was a secret binge-er. i would sneak food and eat it super fast and hide the wrappers. i would eat nothing all day and then gorge myself on chocolate bars on the way home from school. i would snack on chips and cookies and crackers. 

i sent the above to LES and she wrote back: 

*she reads this with eyes wide open taking it all in as she binges on crackers, cookies and gold fish - not having eaten all day"

as i grew into an adult, the hiding became more intense and more important to the behaviour. 

what's it like to binge? it's the ultimate numbing experience. the food doesn't matter. it could be stale, hard, old ... it doesn't matter. because you don't taste the food. it's not about eating, it's about numbing. 

at my lowest point, i took a cake out of the garbage can and ate it. i ate a cake out of the garbage. i have also eaten cold french fries. out of a macdonalds bag. that was crumpled in the garbage can. 

geneen roth describes a binge as a way of eating, not an amount of food. she wrote that a binge can be 2 cookies. 

i have never eaten until i was sick. it is the intensity with which i find junk food and stuff it into me without tasting it. a binge can be on carrots. a binge is when you are eating instead of feeling your feelings. 

i often would binge because i didn't want to feel the emotions that come up - those difficult emotions that no one likes to feel: loneliness, fear, anger, sadness ... 

"if you don't allow feelings, if you push them away, they get bigger, become more threatening. feelings don't go away because you're afraid of them." - geneen roth

... i find myself now looking for food to binge on when i am feeling those emotions. but instead, i stop, i breathe, i sit down, and i ask myself what it is that i am feeling. what am i feeling and why? and i let the emotions pass through me. 

healing from bingeing (and purging) is hard work and there will always be relapses. 

geneen roth offers strategies for dealing with bingeing that include allowing yourself to binge and then being kind to yourself afterwards - incredibly kind and gentle. 

nosy nora suggested that i have a hole inside of me ... a hole that can't be filled, instead it needs to be mended. 

i like that image. 

i like the idea that i was using food to stuff myself to try to fill an endless pit. but an endless pit can't be filled. 

i have been working on sealing up the hole inside of me instead. through gentleness and inquiry. 

if you are struggling with bingeing, there are places that can help. i got help. i didn't solve this myself. email me and i will help you find support in your area. 


be kind to yourself, there's no other way to be

xoxo

...

secrecy and privacy

“All human beings have three lives: public, private, and secret.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

today nosy nora brought up the difference between secrecy and privacy. 

secrecy: the action of keeping something secret. something that is kept unknown by others. 

privacy: the condition of being free from being observed by other people. 

i think that there are much larger differences. i think that secrecy implies shame. captain stressy pants suggested that it also implies something negative. 

“If you have to keep a secret it's because you shouldn't be doing it in the first place” ― David Nicholls

secrets are things that can hurt other people. secrets are gossip. secrets are harmful. 

“Privacy - like eating and breathing - is one of life's basic requirements.” ― Katherine Neville

privacy is a right we all have. privacy means being able to keep things to yourself. privacy means having things that no one else needs to know - things that are just for you. 

“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it- it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” 

― Brené Brown

secrets are shameful things that we don't want to bring into the light. private things are simply that: private. 

“If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.” ― David Sedaris

when we invade someone's privacy, we sometimes learn things that we didn't want to know. and the only people who suffer are the ones who invaded the privacy in the first place. 

everyone has the right to private thoughts, private desires, private fantasies, private writing, private space. 

“Here in your mind you have complete privacy. Here there's no difference between what is and what could be.” ― Chuck Palahniuk

we all have private lives. not telling my students about my life at home isn't about me keeping secrets, it's about me having privacy. 

“Privacy is not something that I'm merely entitled to, it's an absolute prerequisite.” ― Marlon Brando

we are all entitled to privacy, even from our best friends, our family, and our partners. everyone needs to be able to have thoughts and desires that are simply theirs for their own minds. nosy nora used the example of sexual fantasies - before the internet and the ability to look up anything and everything, people fantasized privately in their own minds. now when they get "caught" looking at their fantasies online, it becomes a secret ... which implies shame. but there is nothing wrong with having a fantasy. it's not a secret, it's a private thought. 

“Privacy - like eating and breathing - is one of life's basic requirements.” ― Katherine Neville

there is nothing wrong with privacy. we are all entitled to it. secrets, on the other hand, breed shame. so ask yourself, is what you're keeping to yourself a secret, or is it private? 

be kind to yourself, in public and in private,

xoxo

“And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell...You know you love me.XOXO,Gossip Girl” ― Cecily von Ziegesar

...

guilt

guilt. 

we all have it. we all claim that it's not worth having. we all want to be rid of it. and we all have it anyway. 

“Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” 
― Veronica Roth

guilt can be used as a means to get yourself to do something that you don't want to be do. it can be used to remind us of what we can improve upon. there is always something that could be better - something that could have been done better. 

"There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.” 
― Bill Watterson

today nosy nora absolved me of my guilt over something small and huge that i did. it doesn't matter what i did or didn't do. the point is that it took someone else telling me that it's okay. it took someone else to forgive me before i could forgive myself. maybe that's why confession is so important. maybe we need to have someone forgive us so that we can do the work required to forgive ourselves. 

“So full of artless jealousy is guilt,
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.” 
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

guilt can eat you up. in an attempt to prevent the world from knowing what you feel guilty about, you often show your cards. we can't keep secrets forever. we have to tell someone. no matter how guilty we feel. no matter how shameful the secret is. 

there is a difference between shame and guilt. 

shame is a deep feeling of unworthiness, whereas guilt is a regret for something we have done. they are not the same thing. yet, you can feel both guilt and shame about the same event. 

“Sometimes I just want to paint the words "It's my fault" across my forehead to save people the time of being pissed off at me.” 
― Christina Westover

sometimes we have so much guilt that it is easier to just walk around apologizing for everything despite whose fault it is. there are times i feel so guilty for something that someone else did that it crushes me. 

“Guilt isn't always a rational thing, Clio realized. Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.” 
― Maureen Johnson

guilt is crushing. it just is. 

“I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.” 
― Rosamund Lupton

we can't walk away from our guilt. it follows us throughout life and throughout time. and the only way to get out from under guilt is to forgive. i don't mean rationalize, i mean truly forgive. 

when i was 18, i was working at the school library. on the last day before the christmas holidays, a grade 9 boy found a wallet and turned it in to me. i then turned it in to the office. it had over $2000 in it. the gentleman who had lost the wallet, right before christmas, was so impressed and grateful, that i was given a monetary reward. my friend gigi said that i shouldn't keep the money because it was the young boy who found the wallet and turned it in. 

i kept the money. 

it has been 18 years and i still think about that. i still wish that i could find that man, and give him the money and apologize for keeping it. 

i had to forgive myself, however. i didn't know who the boy was. i wouldn't have recognized him. and i was so overcome with grief at gigi's death that it didn't occur to me that i could have made an announcement to find him. 

i forgive myself. 

but i don't forget. 

“When you are guilty, it is not your sins you hate but yourself.” 
― Anthony de Mello

guilt causes shame gremlins to shout at you that you are unworthy, undeserving, useless, and a loser. guilt makes you hate yourself. which is why it is so important to forgive yourself and move on. learn from your mistakes. and don't repeat them. 

“It has always seemed that a fear of judgment is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity.” 
― Criss Jami

guilt is the fear of being judged. by others, and by yourself. the fear of being judged makes me choose to do things that i don't want to do because i feel guilty saying no. i feel guilty standing up for myself. i feel guilty not doing what i feel obligated to do. 

“I would forget it fain,
But oh, it presses to my memory,
Like damnèd guilty deeds to sinners' minds.
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

I would love to forget my guilt, but it is ingrained in my memory. so how do we move on? how do we forgive ourselves? what do we have to DO?

“Guilt is a destructive and ultimately pointless emotion” 
― Lynn Crilly

we simply have to forgive. there are no steps. there is no magic wand. there is only forgiveness and knowledge that you have learned a lesson. life is about learning. life is one giant classroom. without mistakes, the world would be boring. without mistakes, there would be no creativity, no inventions, no inspiration, no adventure. guilt is what keeps our morals in check. 

be kind to yourself, and forgive yourself. 

xoxo

...

the eating disorder shame cycle

i am going to tell you a story.  as i write this, my personal shame gremlins (credit brene brown) are yelling at me that this is a bad idea, that i will be judged, that it's private and not for sharing, that no one wants to hear about my inner struggle with shame and food, that NO ONE will be able to relate to my story ... a story that is hard for me to share. but important for me to share.

it starts out as a regular morning. i get out of bed feeling good. feeling like today is the day that i am going to be good. today is the day that i am going to eat well, and exercise, and be a good girl. 

breakfast goes off without a hitch. feeling good. i even walk the dog. all is going well. 

then i remember the paperwork that was due that day and know that i will be stuck at work after hours finishing it. so i decide that "deserve" a starbucks. i stop on the way to work and get my non-fat skinny latte. i look at the pastries and remember that i have been "good" this week so i don't get one. as i drive to work, i think about those pastries and how good they would taste. 

i go to work and half way through the morning i start to get hungry. i have brought yogurt and an apple, but there are doughnuts in the staff room and i have been so good all week and all can think about are those pastries that i didn't have ... but i resist. see how good i am? see what a good girl i am? i can follow the rules. i can be good. 

after a healthy lunch beside my colleagues who are eating pizza, fries, and cake (which i turned down), i go back to work. and after work, as i am driving home, i pass a tim hortons and decide that i deserve a doughnut after being so good all day. so i go through the drive-thru and get one ... except i actually get two. and i eat them in the car, rapidly, without actually tasting them. if i did sit and eat a doughnut paying attention to the taste, i would remember that i don't actually like them because they are too sweet. but i eat them while driving, so that they remain secret. as if the car blocks out the world and no one can see me scarfing down 2 doughnuts in rapid succession. 

when i get home, as i am making dinner, i snack on some chips and a handful (or 2) of chocolate mini eggs. i then eat dinner, and after dinner i keep eating. i eat mindlessly while i watch tv. i eat non-stop until i feel sick. 

then i feel shame. 

true deep self-loathing shame. 

which makes me eat more. eat past the sick. until i throw up. 

which makes me feel a deeper shame. 

so i go to sleep, resolving to have a better day. and when i wake up, i am convinced that today is the day that i am going to be good. in fact, i am going to be so good that i am not going to eat at all. i am going to be soooooo good. 

so, i skip breakfast and go to work. i allow myself to have tea ... 3 cups of tea ... and i skip lunch ... and i skip dinner ... and i drink lots of water to fill the rumbling emptiness in my stomach. and i feel strong. i feel like i can conquer the world. until the next day, when i wake up hungry and allow myself a slice of toast ... followed by more tea and water to fill my belly, no lunch, and a bit of food at dinner. this can go on for days until i am literally STARVING and i give in to my hunger and eat and eat and eat ... which leads to what? shame shame shame. and shame leads to more eating. which leads to throwing up. which leads to more shame. which leads to deprivation, which leads to a binge and back into shame. 

this, my friends, is my eating disorder shame cycle. and when i figure out how to break the cycle, i will let you know. i was told that if i eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, on a schedule that after 3 months it will become normal and my body will relax into knowing that it will have food every 3-4 hours. that sounds scary and sounds like a lot of eating and a lot of planning and a lot food. 3 months also sounds like a really long time. 

let me know about your shame cycles, and ways to breakthrough. 

and remember deprivation leads to binge eating, and diets are made to fail. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

betrayal and marbles

i remember my first ever betrayal by a friend. i was in kindergarten. we were sitting in circle and the teacher was talking. i whispered to my friend that the doctor said i didn't have to wear glasses anymore ... the teacher yelled at us for talking and asked if we were talking on topic. my friend could have lied and said yes. she lied all the time. but she didn't. she said "no" so i got yelled at some more. 

i remember that feeling of my heart sinking. of knowing that my best friend didn't have my back. 

so what do we do with these feelings of betrayal? i want to share with you a really important part of Brene Brown's Daring Greatly. she wrote about trust as a jar of marbles. 

when someone does something trusting, we add marbles to their jar, and when we are betrayed we take marbles out. she wrote:

When we think about betrayal in terms of the marble jar metaphor, most of us think of someone we trust doing something so terrible that it forces us to grab the jar and dump out every single marble. What’s the worst betrayal of trust? He sleeps with my best friends. She lies about where the money went. He/she chooses someone over me. Someone uses my vulnerability against me (an act of emotional treason that causes most of us to slam the entire jar to the ground rather than just dumping out the marbles.)

All terrible betrayals, definitely, but there is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust. In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the  betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people.

These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal. If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would would say disengagement. When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in.

Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain - there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.

so what do we DO? how do we recover when we notice the marble jar is empty?

we trust ourselves in asking for what we need. we notice the people whose jars are over-flowing and we focus on those relationships. we let go of our fear of being abandoned and alone and we turn to our full-jarred relationships. because those are the people who will fill your life with more than simply marbles. 

as well as remembering my first betrayal, i also remember the first time someone had my back. it was my cousin D. i was the youngest kid on the street and all the older kids used to tease me and bully me. i had these shoes ... these really cool red plastic sandals. and the boys on the street would tease me by calling them orange. i know how dumb that sounds. i really do. but i was only 7 years old and it was one of the many things the boys did to make me cry. they seemed to take pleasure in my tears. tying me up to the tree with skipping ropes, trying to get me to eat poison berries ... anyway ... my cousin D was visiting. he is 3 years older than me, so he seemed like a big grown-up teenager to me though he was only 10. and he stood up to those boys and told them that the shoes were, in fact, red. RED. 

such a small thing. but it has stayed with me for 30 years. D remembers it too. his jar is over-flowing with marbles. 

who are your full-jar people? how do they add marbles to the jar? what will you do to add marbles to theirs?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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