april

i want to write about april. 

april is my pseudonym, but the name comes from a real person. from a young and vibrant woman whom i loved very much. 

april could get me to do things that i would never do on my own. things that wouldn't occur to me. this photo was taken at a volunteer appreciation picnic for the sexual assault centre where we both volunteered.  

at the picnic, april decided that she wanted to go swimming. we were by the otonabee river, near the water treatment centre. not the cleanest place to swim. there were rumours about how polluted and gross the water was. 

but april liked to jump first and look later. and she wanted to swim. she convinced a group of us to go skinny dipping. *shaking my head* i had never done that before and have never done it since. but there i was, 20 years old being dragged skinny dipping with a group of women into the otonabee river. 

sometimes april's impulsive decision making scared me. like the time she wanted to jump off a bridge into a river without checking the water to see how deep it was, or if there were any rocks. however, she taught me to let go of many of my fears and to take risks. 

april was a force to be reckoned with. there was no stopping her. she was a community organizer at 16. she was amazing. 

we worked on a couple of committees together and attended endless meetings. we joined a "lesbian talking group" together where everyone thought we were a couple. 

she moved away for a year to work in jasper. she came home so happy. so full of life. so loving. so glad to be with family and friends. she showed up at my house in a yellow sarong ... and nothing else. that's the kind of thing she did: ride the bus with no shoes (or underwear) for no reason other than she felt like it. for no reason other than that she could. she was so beautiful that day. we talked for hours and caught up on each other's lives and crushes. 

a week later, we ran into each other in a parking lot. we were on opposite fundraising shifts for the ywca. she was just about to get a ride home and i had just arrived. she was literally bouncing with glee. she was wearing purple cotton overalls and jumping up and down and the last words she ever said to me were "i have so much to tell you!" and she bounced away into the parking lot ...

she was 18 years old. 

... a few days later, she was staying over at a friend's house and she and her friends fell asleep leaving a candle burning. 

the house caught fire. 

she and her friends got out. as did the family who lived in the downstairs apartment. unfortunately, april and her friends thought that there was still someone inside. there wasn't. but they didn't know that, so all 3 went back into the burning building to rescue their friend (their friend who wasn't even there ... jump first, look later ... give ... take care of everyone ... these were april's traits ...). a beam fell and one of them had to turn around and get out. she survived. 

april and her other friend were trapped. and both of them died. 

april's loss hit me hard. after losing my friend gigi only a few years earlier, i wasn't ready to endure the loss of someone i loved. 

the difference for me this time was that i was surrounded by a community of women who were also affected by her loss. and we supported each other. 

i turned to my writing. i wrote many poems, journal entries, and songs for and about april. i was also taking a theatre course that year. so i wrote and performed a one woman show about the loss and my grieving, using dance, song, and masks. it was incredibly cathartic. 

i still miss april. she was an incredible young woman who touched my life in many ways. she taught me that it's okay to jump. 

i look first, 

but i can jump. 

she taught me how to love with an open heart. she taught me to LIVE life, not to just let it pass you by. 

here is my song for april:

you always asked me to sing for you
you always wanted a song
i knew that one day i would write one for you
i just want this to be your song

i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song

i remember the way you looked the day you came home
your arms around me, at home
oh, how you had grown

i'll never forget your yellow sarong
and how you looked when you put it on
that day you wore purple and said
"i've so much to tell you"
and then you were gone ...

i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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Let there be love ( revised ) ...

this weekend as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs reminded me that i wrote about it and how... i was moved to become very introspective.

we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason this weekend it really hit home ... for the second time ... 

"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth

i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...

"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth

i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.

"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last year, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.

"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth

There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or the course that we are taking, or the hoops we are jumping through, or the interviews and home visits and references ... 

i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.

"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the ways"
- Dawn Lanstroth

people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could do so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....

"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time.  i am trying to let go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way. i am trying really hard. 

"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth

this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2014. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.

and so i am trying to believe.

i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.

i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.

i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.

be kind to yourself

xoxo

Anne Murray - Let There Be Love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ

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horoscope

i don't usually pay attention to horoscopes. and when i do, they are just silly. however, my last 2 horoscopes have been incredibly accurate and right on. this morning i woke up feeling vulnerable and raw. and this was today's horoscope that i will go through bit by bit. 

May 27, 2014
A Loving Trust
Aries Daily Horoscope

You may feel wide open and vulnerable today, and you could feel the need to reach out and share your fears and insecurities with others. It's possible you will seek the company of dear friends or loved ones, individuals you know you can trust. 

i use my blog as a way to reach out and share with others. seeking the company of people i can trust is my plan for today. 

You might consider asking one of these people to get together with you today to have a long conversation. If you do, you might first think about how you're feeling today and what may be at the root of any worry or conflict you could be experiencing. If you communicate these things openly with another person, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you may get emotional support in response. 

i am meeting Zed for coffee this afternoon, with the plan to have a long conversation about all our worries. and my constant goal at the moment is to be open and vulnerable. which is why this horoscope speaks to me so deeply. 

Should you wish to be open and vulnerable today but feel blocked, you might consider letting yourself really trust those with whom you speak.

Trusting the people we are closest to allows us to be vulnerable. Having faith that others love and want the best for us creates an atmosphere of openness and willingness. We are able to set aside our fears and can freely express anything that weighs on our minds or hearts. 

trust. i put my trust in my readers that my openness and my willingness to share the deepest parts of myself with be received with love and not with judgement. 

The simple act of communicating these things to a caring person lightens our burden. The more we share, the better we feel, and the more closely connected we are to the other person. Trust that those you choose to be open with today care about you and appreciate your honesty, and they will respond to your vulnerability with love and support. 

trust, openness, vulnerability ... those are the messages i will carry with me today. 

yesterday, i was having a bad day and i reached out to gigi's mom and told her how i was feeling and why. she shared with me a website called  www.dailyom.com which had these horoscopes as well as a beautiful message about grief. this was yesterday's horoscope:

When we are trying to piece together the puzzle of our future, we can get help and guidance from other people. 

gigi's mom offered me support and guidance and hope in her email to me. she gave me a piece of my puzzle. 

Everyone we interact with has something to contribute to our journey. As we engage with others and listen to their advice, we can formulate our image of the right path, solution, or action for ourselves. Each person we question can add a small piece to the puzzle of our future. 

gigi's mom set me on the right path as i was wavering in an opposite direction. 


Seek recommendations and guidance from others regarding your aspirations today, absorb the wisdom that benefits you, and watch a new piece of your life's puzzle fall into place.

each person who offers me wisdom has offered me a piece of my puzzle, or as directed me as to where my piece needs to go ... i have never been good at puzzles, so having help makes me feel less lonely and less alone. 

it's amazing how one person can say one thing that can have a huge impact on your day. be that person today ... be that person who says something to someone that changes their day. 

be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...

gathering my chicks revisited

in january, i wrote about how radical t called me a mother hen gathering her chicks and i said that i would write about it again when i had more time to digest the analogy. 

to read the original, click here.

i am gathering to me now, people who are understanding and compassionate. i am gathering people who believe me, and who believe in me. 

theheritagefarm.me

what surprises me most is how many chicks there really are in my world. the more people i speak my truth to, the more people i find who are supportive, and compassionate, and kind. the kindness scares me sometimes, because i am not used to it. 

we use chickens in our communication:

“Now, brooder is an interesting word. People who worry a lot in silence are known as brooders. But then again so is a hen sitting on her eggs. The more I get to know chickens, the more I realize half our language comes from chickens. Well, not half. But an awful lot considering this isn't Latin or anything. Cooped up. Egghead. Hatch a plan. Henpecked. Pecker. Cock. Chickenshit. Chicken-scratch. A lot of chicken words are meant to deliver attitude, which isn't surprising to me now that I have chickens. Chickens aren't background animals like fish or sheep or horses. Chickens are in-your-face animals. Chickens if you have them, come to bracket your days. The rooster hollers all morning, and then in the evening the hens have left you their mysterious gift of eggs. 
Silkies are said to be excellent brooders, to have a tendency toward "broodiness." This, too, is usually meant as a compliment.” ― Jeanne Marie Laskas, Growing Girls: The Mother of All Adventures

i am a brooder. i have sat and worried in silence for years. but now i think that i am a hen on her eggs, brooding to create something new. no longer cooped up, i am telling my story to more and more people. trusting. gathering my chicks and creating my own brood of supportive people.

my little chickens, i gather you close and you do more for me than you know. 


be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

being still ...

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.” 

- T.S. Elliot

last night i was chatting with K.M. about being still and listening ...

i am trying to learn to be still. it feels like an insurmountable task. 

to me, T.S. Elliot's definition of being still means turning off my brain, sitting in silence, and waiting for something magical to happen to you ... 

... it feels impossible ... i can't turn off my mind. 

ever.

... i used to believe that stillness meant sitting without movement and thinking about nothing. for 3 years i have lay on Pokey Sue's treatment bed desperately trying to clear my mind, to still my thoughts, to think about nothing ... pokey sue always tells me to be kind to myself while she leaves the room ... and i would lay there beating myself up for not being able to turn off my mind; for not being able to be still ...

Brene Brown wrote: "stillness is not about focusing on nothingness. it's about creating a clearing. it's opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question."

... Brown's definition allows for my tumbling mind that is open during those treatments - my mind that feels and thinks and dreams and questions. 

perhaps stillness isn't sitting here trying to make my mind stop. perhaps stillness is letting my mind wander and seeing where my thoughts take me. LISTENING to my thoughts and getting a better understanding of what is going on inside my (jumbled) head. perhaps being still means letting the inner-critic finish her rant, and waiting to see what voice speaks next; listening for that gentle voice, and waiting to hear what she has to say ...

today i invite you to be still. 

i invite you to take time, 5 or 10 minutes out of your busy day, to sit with your thoughts and see where they take you. 

maybe you will discover something new about yourself, or about your path ... you have nothing to lose. 

be gentle with yourself, for as i have learned, stillness doesn't mean silence or a lack of movement. 

it means listening to the thoughts in your head without judgement, and allowing your thoughts to communicate themselves freely.  

xoxo

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