vulnerability part 2

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Madeleine L'Engle

today, nosy nora told me that my blog is helping people. she told me that vulnerability, with maturity, means putting yourself out there, opening up, and not getting hurt the way you did as a child. 

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.Brene Brown

to stay out of the discomfort of vulnerability, i found ways to numb myself. i ignored my feelings, and i didn't share my stories out of fear of rejection and abandonment. 

what i have learned from allowing myself to be vulnerable, to be heard, and to be known, is that the people who love me - who truly and deeply love me - will stay BECAUSE of who i am, not in spite of it. 

In the beginning, people think vulnerability will make you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you're strong enough to care.

Victoria Pratt

i care enough to share myself with others. with the people who have earned the right to hear my story. my vulnerability is seen as courage and strength. 

being seen is really scary. like, really, REALLY, scary. being seen means letting my darkness into the light. it means being willing to tell my truths. 

Through my research, I found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It's the magic sauce.

Brene Brown

being willing to tell my truths means forming relationships based on trust. 

i hope that you can find a way to "lean into" your vulnerability. 

monarch butterflies are the most vulnerable creature i know. they manage to find their way from canada to mexico, following the path their ancestors took. the route somehow ingrained in their dna. landing on the same trees their predecessors landed on. and then flying all the way back to canada to lay their eggs and start the process again. the eggs are left on their own, and the caterpillar somehow knows to eat milkweed, which is poisonous to other critters. and then it just knows to spin a chrysalis and trust that as they dissolve into a goo, they will weather the storms until they re-form themselves as a completely different creature. 

if a monarch can do all that, then you can share your stories. email me your story and i will happily share it here, under your name or a pseudonym. i look forward to hearing from you. 

be kind and truthful to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Cocooned vs. Metamorphosis

today i read on someone's blog, "If nothing changed there'd be no butterflies"

 ... and i want to know ... what's wrong with caterpillars? 

monarch caterpillars have always been my favourite. they're plump and colourful and they have little legs that tickle when they crawl on you. they can easily curl up into a ball. and they eat milkweed which makes them poisonous to birds - their stripes protect them from being eaten. 

they spend their days crawling around the milkweed, eating. 

and eventually spin themselves into a cocoon. 

i've been a caterpillar for so long that i don't want to ever come out of my cocoon. i can't see the future and i don't know what kind of butterfly i'm going to be. 

and it scares me. 

i want to stay safe and wrapped up and protected in my cocoon forever. 

i could hide away from the world, from pain, from hurt, from sadness. 

i could blend into the colours of the trees, the only thing giving me away would be the gold "stitches" along the top of my cocoon ...

                      * * * * * * *

my dad used to let us collect monarch caterpillars at the end of august. 

we would keep them in a terrarium with lots of milkweed. and within a week or so of their captivity, they would spin their bright green cocoons. 

we would watch the chrysalis for days. gold threading along the top, and hanging from the lid of the terrarium. and then one day they would change from green to black and then to clear and then the majestic monarchs would work their way out. 

at first, their wings would be wet. so we would carefully lift them out, letting their legs cling to our fingers.  

we would set them down in the backyard. and they would open their wings to let them dry in the sun. and once the wings were dry, they would flap them and fly away. 

until next august when we would hunt through the milkweed and start the process all over again. 

and as beautiful and incredible as this process is ... the metamorphosis leaves those monarch caterpillars completely vulnerable and helpless. 

when my brother was 3, he had his very own caterpillar in a jar. holes in the lid for air, and lovely milkweed for food. the plump little creature spun a green and gold chrysalis attached to the lid. 

our babysitter's son was at our house and my brother wanted to show him his pet. so the exuberant and over-eager visitor opened the lid, looked into the jar, and slammed the lid down on the table saying "where? i don't see anything!?" 

that morphing creature wasn't the only thing that got squashed that day. my brother crumpled in on himself. i've never seen him cry so much. i've never seen him so hurt. it was as if all of his hopes and dreams were being held in that green cocoon waiting to fly away into the sun and everything got squished and killed by someone else's careless actions. 

i feel like a caterpillar in a chrysalis: not safe and snug, cocooned and protected. i feel vulnerable and unsafe and easily squishable. 

but the thing about change is that it is going to happen whether we want to or not, and whether we like it or not. 

AG said to me today, "i guess the best thing about butterflies is they don't have to choose it. it comes naturally. amazingly enough."

wise words to ponder today, as i am cocooned in my duvet wanting to stay here on the couch forever. 

xoxo

...

(images from google images https://www.google.ca/search?q=monarch+butterflies&rlz=1C1SNNT_enCA410CA411&espv=210&es_sm=93&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=2bjaUvbbBOGh2gXqtoGwBQ&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=666)