Let there be love ( revised ) ...

this weekend as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs reminded me that i wrote about it and how... i was moved to become very introspective.

we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason this weekend it really hit home ... for the second time ... 

"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth

i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...

"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth

i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.

"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last year, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.

"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth

There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or the course that we are taking, or the hoops we are jumping through, or the interviews and home visits and references ... 

i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.

"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the ways"
- Dawn Lanstroth

people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could do so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....

"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth

this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time.  i am trying to let go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way. i am trying really hard. 

"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth

this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2014. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.

and so i am trying to believe.

i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.

i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.

i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.

be kind to yourself

xoxo

Anne Murray - Let There Be Love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ

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apple cover

last night i crocheted a cover for my apple. 

yes, you read that correctly: a cover for my apple. 

i hate when i carry my apple in my bag and it gets bruised, or punctured. so i made a protective sleeve, a buffer, to protect my apple from the bumps and bruises that happen in a day in my bag. 

we all need a buffer. we all need a layer of protection between us and the bumps and bruises of life. for years, i found ways to protect myself by numbing myself from feelings and by keeping things inside. 

CP said that a protective layer is harmful. she said: "i have a little infant who is growing into a toddler. there is no protection from bumps and bruises. they just happen, have to happen. they let him know what he can do. what he is capable of. they are reminders that we are human, mortal, imperfect."

her friend said: "a layer may protect from the pain, but then we might miss the positive things along the way."

this is not the same as the protective layer that i am talking about. self-medication, numbing, alcohol, drugs .... are ways of being isolated and alone. i am talking about a healthy layer that protects you from the hurts. 

so what are some healthy ways to protect yourself?

nosy nora says, "listen and let go" rather than holding other people's issues. that's hard to do when you are someone who wants so badly to help everyone and make everything okay. but it is important to hold your own stuff, to listen to others, and let their stuff go. 

this layer is called a boundary. 

healthy boundaries come from a place of love; love for yourself and love for others. 

state your limits. say what they are. and stick to them. saying "no" can be such a difficult thing to do. but it's okay to say no. it's also okay not to answer. my mom taught me that just because someone is knocking at the front door, doesn't mean you have to answer it - even if they can see you through the window. don't go into a long explanation. don't apologize. state your boundary clearly, respectfully, calmly, and firmly. 

listen to your cues. pay attention when you are feeling discomfort, or resentment. and then revisit your boundaries. are you feeling taken advantage of? are you pushing yourself too hard because you feel guilty? are you doing more than you are able?

give yourself permission to have a layer of protection that prevents you from being in an unhealthy relationship. give yourself permission to respect yourself and your limits. give yourself permission to do what YOU need to do. 

you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. you are responsible for your own feelings. if you can't attend a meeting, or go to a movie with a friend, or be in charge of the bake sale, you do not need to worry about how other people will feel about you saying no. 

if you set a boundary with a friend, and their feelings get hurt (and you were respectful and kind), then that person is not a good friend. good friends respect each other's boundaries and limits. 

self-care needs to be a priority. this comes from the belief that you are important and worth it. it might be taking time off, taking time out, or taking the time to be in. meditation, a sick day, or a vacation are all forms of self-care. having a cup of tea, sitting in a cafe, writing, reading, playing music, listening to music, watching your favourite tv show, baking, painting, getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water ... these are all things that you can do for yourself to take care of YOU. 

be aware that boundaries will be tested. the protective layer around my apple will be stretched, just as your layer will be stretched. people who are used to taking advantage of you, or abusing you, will not be used to the boundaries. and these people will test you to see if they can get past that protective layer. 

i carried my apple in it's little crocheted apple holder today. and it came out whole and unbruised. 

bruises and bumps are part of life. they teach us our limits. and at the same time, we can protect ourselves by being patient with ourselves and allowing ourselves to set boundaries. 

how do you protect yourself? how do you communicate your limits and your boundaries? 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

pain

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”― J.K. Rowling

i have a low pain threshold. lots of people do. and then there are the people who can take pain. or who like pain. that's not me. 

however, despite my intense fear of and dislike for pain, i suffered most of my life because i didn't know that i was allowed to speak about my pain - both physical and emotional. 

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose Kennedy

i didn't talk about my emotional pain when my best friend Gigi died. i kept it inside. i suffered in silence. for many many many many years. and i don't know if that is worse than the physical pain i endured for years without speaking up.

“The damage was permanent; there would always be scars. But even the angriest scars faded over time until it was difficult to see them written on the skin at all, and the only thing that remained was the memory of how painful it had been.” 
― Jodi Picoult

i got my period when i was 10 years old. i knew very little about it. my mother had never had cramps with her cycles. so she didn't tell me about them. it didn't occur to her. i had cramps from the first period. my PCOS symptoms started at a young age, they just weren't diagnosed. so the pain i was experiencing was "normal" only i didn't know there was anything i could DO about it. 

it wasn't until i was 16 and i was at CP's house and she flaked out on going to the zoo because she had cramps. and her mom took care of her and gave her pills ... pills? there were pills that i could take that would help with the cramps?!?!?!? and i could curl up in bed and someone could take care of me? i was in shock. 

the curling up and being taken care of never happened. but i was old enough that i could go buy mydol. and i did. 

menstrual cramps. that's not pain. i know some of you are thinking that. 

well that's not the only pain i lived with. 

the dentist. i have such anxiety about the dentist. more than most people. why? because when i was 34 (THIRTY FOUR !!!), my mom was telling me about her trip to the dentist and needing 3 freezings. and i looked at her and said, "3? you can have more than 1?" and she explained that she always needed at least 2 needles before she was frozen. 

imagine my SHOCK at learning, at 34, that the dentist isn't supposed to hurt ...

... yes, that's right ... for 34 years i would get one needle and be a little bit tingly. then i would endure the pain of getting my cavities filled and other dental procedures. and i would feel them. 

the dentist hurt. a lot. every time. and i didn't know. 

we spend too much time taking care of other people and not taking care of ourselves. we spend too much time tending to the needs of others and not speaking up about our own pains. 

don't be alone. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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decompression

finding ways to decompress is so important for our mental health. 

Allow yourself time to decompress and process what has happened. - Lynn Lawrance

sometimes it takes time to process things that have happened, or things that have been said. sometimes that means sitting by yourself and writing, like i do. other times it means tuning out and not thinking while the ideas percolate in your mind. 

They want to just decompress a little bit and enjoy a good time together. Listen to some great music, have a drink and maybe a little bit of denial. Maybe exit the real world for a little while and enter fantasy land. - Richard Feldman

there are times when you need to decompress from your day, or from a visit from family, and spending time with your friends. this kind of decompression means finding a way to take yourself out of your life for a moment or two. by watching a movie, reading a book, listening to music, or dancing the night away with good friends. 

“Ah! There is nothing like staying at home, for real comfort.” ― Jane Austen

i like to decompress at home. i like to take time for myself and write, or read, or even watch tv. i love my couch time. i love the time that i take to relax on my couch with a cup of tea - to feel the comfort of being in my own home. 

“There are times when we stop, we sit still. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper.” ― James Carroll

another way to decompress is to be in nature. to go for a walk through the woods, or by water. to take the time to notice the little things like the buds on the trees in spring, the birds singing, the squirrels chasing. being still through meditation or just sitting with yourself is another way for breezes from another world to whisper to you. some people believe that the voice that whispers is a higher power. others believe that the voice is yours. whatever your belief system, being still and listening inside is a way to be with yourself and to decompress. 

“All relaxation does is allow the truth to be felt. The mind is cleared, like a dirty window wiped clean, and the magnitude of what we might ordinarily take for granted inspires tears.” ― Jay Michaelson

there are times when we need to debrief what has happened. this is another way to get it out of you in order to decompress. this can be through talking it out with a friend, or through writing it down. feeling our truth is bigger than speaking it. there are times when our truth is larger than us and feels crushing. but your truth is your most important tool in self-love and in happiness. 

there are many instances where i need to decompress. coming home from work, i am exhausted. sometimes that means taking a nap. other times it means writing. coming home from a family event means tuning out the world and my thoughts and entering a fantasy world through reading or watching tv. after therapy, i need time to myself, to write, to think, to process, to debrief. and after a medical appointment, i need to listen to music or to a podcast, to let the emotions calm down before i think about what the doctor has said. 

how do you decompress? what do you need decompression from? share your ideas in the comments section. and if you get this blog emailed to you, please consider visiting the website and feeding the fish. it is very calming. and then you can leave me a comment. 

www.aprilgigiangels.blogspot.com 


be kind to yourself, and remember ... 

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” ― Pema Chödrön

xoxo

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self-care

one of my best friends, captain stressy pants, is nearing burnout and as far as i can tell, has very little time for self-care. 

i want to talk about what self-care means. 

i have not been practicing self-care in my time off. i have been sitting around, napping, watching tv, and killing time. 

the only 2 things that i have been doing that involves self-care has been blogging, and going to therapy. 

so it's time for me to write about it, and then begin to DO it. 

so what IS self-care anyway? 

it is doing things that make you feel good. it is taking the time to make yourself important. 

self-care means only taking on what you can handle. it means choosing to put yourself first once in awhile. CP says, "whenever i think of self-care i always think about when you fly on an airplane and the emergency instructions tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others." .it means taking time to do the things that make you happy, like making music, or going for a walk, doing yoga, and having fun. as a new mom, CP says that you don't find time for self-care, you have to advocate for yourself and ASK for it. 

i asked LES what she thinks about self-care. she replied:

i feel a constant drive to do things, be for others, take care of others, move forward … i feel like stopping and putting me first means putting others last and doing that makes me feel worse and then not at all self-carish ... i practice self-preservation, like having a cup of tea and being silent … even if just for a moment… it restores me enough to keep going

i assured her that self-preservation is a form of self-care. taking time in your day to take care of yourself and tend to your needs. even if that means a cup of tea. 

captain stressy pants is close to burnout because of her job. so i thought i would share these tips on how to practice self-care at work:

the biggest problem that we have with self-care is that the word "self" sounds like the word "selfish" ... but putting your needs ahead of others isn't selfish, it is self-preservation. 

saying "no" is a complex but simple way to practice self-care. something that we certainly need to do more of, and feel less guilty about. as i said in a previous post, nosy nora says that saying no is simple ... "it starts with your tongue on the back of your teeth and ends with your lips in a circle."

today i challenge you to take a few minutes to do something entirely for yourself. something that makes you feel good. it could be as simple as sitting at the table and eating an apple. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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what's best

today i am celebrating that my blog has had more than 10,000 views - and that doesn't include any of the people who get the posts emailed to them. 

10,000 views of things that i have written. little, insignificant me. people from all over the world are visiting my blog. 

it is mind-boggling, overwhelming, and humbling. 

to celebrate this milestone, i am writing about doing what is best for myself. 

it's not easy to do what is best for myself. taking time off work was the most difficult decision i have ever had to make. there has been so much guilt associated with the decision. and it has been the best thing that i ever did for myself. self-care is not valued in our society. self-care is viewed as selfish. i was taught to take care of everyone, to take care of the needs of others, to give and give and give, and not to take. the idea of taking time for myself is so foreign that it feels kind of crazy. 

part of the anxiety about taking time for myself comes from wanting to be "better" ... wanting to fast forward to the place and time where i feel strong, and healthy, and happy. 

i asked nosy nora if she could wave a magic wand to make me all "better" ...

it is going to take time, unfortunately, for me to get to the place that i want to get to. i am moving forward on my journey. i am much further along than i was a year ago. i am much further along that i was a few months ago. but the only thing that is going to get me to where i want to be is ME. 

i have also wished for a fast forward button. this kind of work is HARD. and whenever i wish to skip ahead, i am reminded of the lyrics to my favourite song:

"sometimes we ask to take a closer look, skip to the final chapter of the book, and then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took, to get us where we are this far. but the question drowns in its futility, and even i have got to laugh at me. no one gets to miss the storm of what will be, just holding on for the ride." - emily saliers

here i am, in what i think is the eye of the storm. things have been quiet and calm lately, but i know that there will be stormy weather before i come out the other side. 

this blog has been a life-saver for me. it keeps me grounded. it keeps me afloat. it keeps me focused on what i need to do to get better. 

i appreciate all my readers. i appreciate the feedback and support that i receive. 

my best advice is to take time for yourself, even if it is 5 minutes a day. give yourself what you deserve, which is time and self-focused energy. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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balance and self-care

www.achieveinafrica.org

when i was a child, i had penpals all over the world. my favourite activity was to write a letter, on real paper, put it in an international mail envelope, put a stamp on it, and then drop it into the red mailbox. then i would wait about a month until i received a reply. my best pen pal lived in zimbabwe and sent me all sorts of letters and presents. i still have a necklace that she sent me 25 years ago. 

as an adult, in our constantly advancing technological world, i now have a digital pen pal: WTR

howtothisandthat.com 

WTR and i met randomly on a scrabble app about 4 years ago. and after a year of playing each other and chatting, decided to become facebook friends. and now she is my pen pal, only we chat in real time. funny how the world and the ways we make connections has changed so much in 20 years. 

today when i was chatting with WTR about my guilt over having been off work, she said:

"As women, we're programmed to think we can and should do it all. it's hard to accept that we can't and shouldn't try."

she is so right. 

from birth, we are conditioned to think that we can do it all. and when we can't do it all, we feel bad about ourselves. and we judge other women who don't seem to be doing it all. we judge women who give themselves permission to take time for themselves. we judge women who choose to stay home with their kids and we judge women who leave their kids and go to work. 

vicky-lifeonthehill.blogspot.com

we feel guilty and ashamed of being unable to balance work, family, home, friends, and a social life. cooking, cleaning, working, being a loving and attentive wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, an employee with responsibilities ... it's hard work. and no one can do it all without giving up themselves and their own needs. 

i decided to ask CP how she manages. she said:

"mostly i just make it all happen. and it feels like no one really notices,, except for other mamas. i tend to have a deep connection with those women. so, i make it work until i can't. and when i can't, i let it wash over me ... the way i do when i sit in a river with moving water. i cling to rocks and let the cool waters swim past me. and hopefully, when i come up for air, pieces of me haven't washed away ... no matter what, a new version of me will eventually be molded, eroded, and sculpted. and most of the time i am tickled and delighted to be in it. but it's fucking hard." 

how do we balance our lives so that we can give to others and to ourselves? how do we give to ourselves? 

kirstentulsian.com 

i think the balance comes in finding something for yourself. maybe it's coffee with a friend once a week, a yoga class, a favourite tv show, meditation, going for a walk, going to the gym, or even blogging. this blog is where i put my energy for myself. and writing posts for this blog is how i take time for myself.

i asked CP, what about time for yourself? her response was "hahahahahaha, i have to work up the courage to ask for it. and not feel guilty. or shitty."

so i asked Kate the same question. she replied: 

"i am an extremely high energy person. i value my time and my life. i love my job but it will never take precedence over my kids. i love my girls but work made me a better mom. working out gives me joy, a social life, and keeps me fit and sane."

so how do we give ourselves permission to do the things that nourish our soul? how do we make ourselves believe and accept that we are worthy and deserving of time for ourselves? 

Geneen Roth wrote:

finding the things that are worth doing is the secret to happiness. i totally just made that up. but i think that it might be true. "celebrate every one of your hungers" whether it be hunger for food, or hunger for writing, or hunger for running, or dancing, or reading, or walking, or talking to a friend, or volunteering ... "if it doesn't bring you pleasure, it's not worth doing" doesn't mean don't do the laundry. the laundry needs to get done. so do the dishes, and the cooking, and the cleaning, and paying the bills, and doing the grocery shopping ... what it does mean is, if working out at the gym doesn't bring you pleasure, then that isn't the right exercise for you; find a dance class, or go for a walk, or swim, or ride your bike. find the thing that brings you pleasure. 

in the meanwhile, as always, 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

depression and trying to explain it

last week i went to see a psychiatrist. holy crap that was scary. it's the word "psychiatrist" ... it means being crazy, insane, unstable, psychiatric ... 

anyway, i started to think about him as a specialist. just like any other doctor. only dr G is a specialist of the thoughts and chemicals in your brain. he was a nice guy. he was kind and friendly and asked a million questions. 

anyway, the result of seeing dr G is that he "strongly recommended" that i take "at least a month off of work." 

the idea is to try some new medication, to focus on self-care, and to work my way through this tunnel of depression to find my way to the other side. 

photo credit

today is the first day of my "month of recovery." and i am going insane already!!!!!!! i have cleaned, cooked, read, written, played piano, played guitar, walked the dog, watched tv, replied to a few emails ... 

dr G told me to be kind to myself. to go gently. and to develop a routine slowly so that i don't spend all my time wrapped in my blanket cocoon, but also not to expect myself to just suddenly be able to function like i used to. 

so i thought that i would try to find the words to describe what is going on inside my head these days. allie brosh wrote:

"to me, the future doesn't seem real. it's just this magical place where i can put my responsibilities so that i don't have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour." 

that is exactly what it is like. i feel like i am hurtling towards failure and disaster and i am dragging my feet on the ground and clinging to walls to try to slow myself down. but i don't do anything about the disasters that i am hurtling towards. i could do the things that i need to do. but i can't. i can't find the motivation. i can't find the will to do the things that need to be done. 

allie brosh also described depression really, really well. "i'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you are horribly bored and lonely. [...] i've always wanted not to give a fuck. while crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, i would often fantasize that maybe someday i could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things." 


YES YES YES. i don't want to burst into tears throughout the day. i don't want to have panic attacks. i don't want to worry about everything all the time. i don't want to feel hopelessly sad. i don't want to be afraid of everything. and i don't want to be in a fog. 

i am "supposed to" be gentle with myself. to be kind to myself. to treat myself with compassion. i am "supposed to" to speak to myself kindly and gently. and all i have done all day is list all the things that i should do and can't get myself to do and then tell myself how stupid and lazy and useless i am for not doing them. 

i have been having trouble finding an ending for this post. AG suggested writing "the end. tadah!" 

photo credit

i guess i want to end by thanking the people in my life who are helping me to treat myself kindly by showing me what kindness and compassion look like and feel like. i have an incredible support system and i appreciate all of you. 

xoxo

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