Maslow

"In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety." - Maslow

i feel like i spend my moments stepping forwards and then backwards again, afraid of change. afraid of becoming a butterfly. i think i am the hungry caterpillar content to munch my way through all the leaves and fruit not worrying about when to spin my cocoon. like i went into a cocoon and came out still a caterpillar. 

stepping into growth is scary. terrifying in fact. and no one can do it alone. nosy nora says we all need each other. it's hard to accept that need sometimes. hard to accept that i'm not superwoman.

dr g. said that moods are like the stock market. that there are ups and downs and sometimes little blips. and that you have to look at the overall ongoing mood - rather than focusing on the downward blips. but man it's hard when you're in the middle of a blip. 

choosing to step into growth while in a downward blip is rather tricky. the step back into safety feels better - even when that safety feels bad. growth and change means stepping into the unknown and that is uncomfortable. 

you can also look at moods in relation to maslow's hierarchy of needs: this five stage model can be seen in the pyramid below. regardless of all the criticism of his theory, i think that it is important to look at the ways in which needs affect your ability to function. worrying about self-esteem and self-actualization when you don't have enough food to eat, or shelter ... well that seems rather difficult. 

"Any thwarting or possibility of thwarting of these basic human goals, or danger to the defenses which protect them, or to the conditions upon which they rest, is considered to be a psychological threat." - Maslow

you can't self actualize when you're working on esteem. and you can't meet your need for love if you are busy meeting your need for basic necessities like food and shelter. 

"Human needs arrange themselves in hierarchies of pre-potency. That is to say, the appearance of one need usually rests on the prior satisfaction of another, more pre-potent need. Man is a perpetually wanting animal. Also no need or drive can be treated as if it were isolated or discrete; every drive is related to the state of satisfaction or dissatisfaction of other drives." - Maslow

so lets think about moods like the pyramid too, with different levels of contentness and enoughness. 

in the case of my moods, the necessities like getting out of bed, eating breakfast, and going to work every day affect my ability to reach a higher level on the mood pyramid. this cymbalta chart is sort of what i am referring to. one day i will figure out how to create and insert my own drawings into my blog. in the meanwhile, this will have to do. 

being stuck in melancholy makes daily tasks a challenge. it makes thinking about life a challenge. unlike maslow's pyramid, the top of the mood pyramid also poses challenges and risks. ecstasy and mania make it difficult to make good choices because you feel invincible. 

now let's look at moods like the stock market like dr. g suggested. 

moods go up and down, and are often affected by external circumstances. the overall trend is what we need to be looking at when it comes to mood. 

how are your moods? have you ever kept a chart? do you pay attention to what brings you ups and downs? try it. and let me know how it goes. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

decompression

finding ways to decompress is so important for our mental health. 

Allow yourself time to decompress and process what has happened. - Lynn Lawrance

sometimes it takes time to process things that have happened, or things that have been said. sometimes that means sitting by yourself and writing, like i do. other times it means tuning out and not thinking while the ideas percolate in your mind. 

They want to just decompress a little bit and enjoy a good time together. Listen to some great music, have a drink and maybe a little bit of denial. Maybe exit the real world for a little while and enter fantasy land. - Richard Feldman

there are times when you need to decompress from your day, or from a visit from family, and spending time with your friends. this kind of decompression means finding a way to take yourself out of your life for a moment or two. by watching a movie, reading a book, listening to music, or dancing the night away with good friends. 

“Ah! There is nothing like staying at home, for real comfort.” ― Jane Austen

i like to decompress at home. i like to take time for myself and write, or read, or even watch tv. i love my couch time. i love the time that i take to relax on my couch with a cup of tea - to feel the comfort of being in my own home. 

“There are times when we stop, we sit still. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper.” ― James Carroll

another way to decompress is to be in nature. to go for a walk through the woods, or by water. to take the time to notice the little things like the buds on the trees in spring, the birds singing, the squirrels chasing. being still through meditation or just sitting with yourself is another way for breezes from another world to whisper to you. some people believe that the voice that whispers is a higher power. others believe that the voice is yours. whatever your belief system, being still and listening inside is a way to be with yourself and to decompress. 

“All relaxation does is allow the truth to be felt. The mind is cleared, like a dirty window wiped clean, and the magnitude of what we might ordinarily take for granted inspires tears.” ― Jay Michaelson

there are times when we need to debrief what has happened. this is another way to get it out of you in order to decompress. this can be through talking it out with a friend, or through writing it down. feeling our truth is bigger than speaking it. there are times when our truth is larger than us and feels crushing. but your truth is your most important tool in self-love and in happiness. 

there are many instances where i need to decompress. coming home from work, i am exhausted. sometimes that means taking a nap. other times it means writing. coming home from a family event means tuning out the world and my thoughts and entering a fantasy world through reading or watching tv. after therapy, i need time to myself, to write, to think, to process, to debrief. and after a medical appointment, i need to listen to music or to a podcast, to let the emotions calm down before i think about what the doctor has said. 

how do you decompress? what do you need decompression from? share your ideas in the comments section. and if you get this blog emailed to you, please consider visiting the website and feeding the fish. it is very calming. and then you can leave me a comment. 

www.aprilgigiangels.blogspot.com 


be kind to yourself, and remember ... 

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” ― Pema Chödrön

xoxo

...

butterfly wings

my blog is doing better than i ever expected. 

Pageviews today

69

Pageviews yesterday

56

Pageviews all time history

11,046

those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people. 

today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me. 

how will i know?  

“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.” 

― Haruki Murakami

in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.

maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature. 

change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...

 in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before  i try to fly.

going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be. 

that was complicated ... 

going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself. 

as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.

sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply. 

i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Hugs

i thought today was a blogless day. a day without writing. i thought today was a day without the joy and tranquility that envelop me when i write. and then an amazing woman over at www.thedevalife.com posted a quote about hugging as good medicine. i agree. there is nothing like a hug to make you feel like you matter.

hugging. writing is one of the ways that i give myself hugs. i didn't grow up with hugs. it wasn't a normal part of my life. hugs were things that you got when you saw someone you hadn't seen in a long time. they weren't an everyday event. 

“A hug is the perfect gift- one size fits all and nobody minds if you exchange it. ” ― Irvin Ball

so i spent my life finding hugs through other sources. and now, i spend my life seeking out hugs from the people who matter to me. because there is NOTHING more soothing, loving, calming, or wonderful as a hug.

“He tells me I look as if I could use a hug and i laugh at him and he ignores me and steps forward and puts his arms around me and hugs me. I warm at the simple pleasure of human contact and for the first time in a long time i actually feel good.” ― James Frey

human contact. we are hardwired to need contact with other humans. i have been watching children lately. watching how they need to physically connect to the adults in their lives. today at D&N's concert, i watched as a little girl held her mother's hand and kissed it, and the mother put her arm around her daughter as they sat watching the show. and i wondered about my own childhood and how that act of hand-kissing would have been received. not that i would ever have dreamed of doing such a thing. but would i have received a hug if i had asked for one? my child will receive a hundred hugs a day. just saying.

“One day, someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together.” ― Anonymous

the simple act of a hug can be healing. a hug reaches inside of you and touches the spaces that hide from the light. a hug communicates so much without words. the act of hugging tells someone that they matter, that they are worth connection with. 

“She grabbed me in a hug so ferocious, the love reached clean to my bones.” 

― Susan Crandall

clean to my bones. clean to my soul. hugs reach inside of us and warm our hearts because that kind of touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that is a neurotransmitter in the brain. it facilitates bonding, and it reduces cortisol, the stress hormone. 

not everyone is a hugger. there are many people in my life who i love but don't hug. because invading someone's space is worse than not hugging them. 

“When I met Millie, she was a hugger. She hugged over everything. I didn’t. We came to an agreement that hugs are reserved for prolonged partings and death. That’s it. At least, I thought that was our agreement. It seems like she’s figured out how to steal hugs more frequently. Millie’s turned into a hit and run hugger.” 

― H.M. Ward

a "hit and run hugger" ... i love that. finding ways to hug people without actually hugging them is my goal in life. hugs through music, conversation, little gifts, and helping. 

if you haven't had your daily dose of hugs, it's time to seek one out. i have decided that asking for hugs is the most important thing that i can do for myself. a good, tight hug is better than any other medicine. try it. 

be kind to yourself, 

click here for a hugging kind of a song from A.S.

xoxo

...

hunger

i am hungry all the time. 

i hunger for love, for affection, for validation, for acceptance, for art, for beauty, for inspiration ... i have an insatiable hunger for joy. 

“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are still alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.” 

― George Eliot

the hunger for what is beautiful and good rumbles in my heart. my need feels so huge that it may consume me, if i don't consume what i hunger for. 

“Hunger of choice is a painful luxury; hunger of necessity is terrifying torture.” ― Mike Mullin

being hungry often leads us to fill that void with an attainable source. we replaced our hunger for love and affection with a hunger for food. because food can be found and consumed. food can be used as an attempt to fill those empty spaces where beauty and worthiness are missing.

We hunger for something more, something other.” ― Ann Voskamp

we are often on the lookout for something else. constantly seeking what we don't have. amassing wealth, power, possessions, in an attempt to fill that empty aching space inside of us that is a hunger for more. the feelings of not enoughness drive us to seek out more and more items, instead of looking for what will actually fulfill us which may be as simple as music, hugs, laughter, and good friends. 

“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty. 
” ― Jarod Kintz

what is your truth? and how can it feed your hunger? hunger is like an ache that can only be satiated by filling yourself with what is missing. food hunger happens because our bodies need fuel. food is fuel. and when we fuel our bodies, we are able to function through our day. but what about that other hunger? the hunger for affection, for love, for validation, for acceptance ... what about the hunger that we don't know how to fill?

 "Guilt is fueled by obligation hunger is fueled by desire.”― Tyler Edwards

if hunger is fueled by desire, then filling yourself with what you desire is the solution to the emptiness. seeking out what we need. asking for what we need and deserve. demanding respect. seeking out relationships that satiate our hunger for acceptance, love, belonging, and affection. fill yourself with the goodness of the people around you. find a way to fill yourself with beauty through art, music, dance, theatre - as a spectator or a participant. 

“Someday we shall look back on this dark era of agriculture and shake our heads. How could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poisons?” ― Jane Goodall

"how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poison?" ... how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our souls with poison? to grow requires love, affection, devotion, praise, belonging, worth, and enoughness. 

you are enoughness. you are worthy, and deserving, and the hunger you feel for whatever it is that you need ... that hunger can be filled by seeking it out and demanding it. there is nothing wrong with asking for a hug from someone who will genuinely hug you back. there is nothing wrong with telling a friend that you need to know you are loved. we hunger for more than food, water, and shelter. we hunger to feel like we matter. 

if you are reading this, you matter to me. 

you matter.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

the eating disorder shame cycle

i am going to tell you a story.  as i write this, my personal shame gremlins (credit brene brown) are yelling at me that this is a bad idea, that i will be judged, that it's private and not for sharing, that no one wants to hear about my inner struggle with shame and food, that NO ONE will be able to relate to my story ... a story that is hard for me to share. but important for me to share.

it starts out as a regular morning. i get out of bed feeling good. feeling like today is the day that i am going to be good. today is the day that i am going to eat well, and exercise, and be a good girl. 

breakfast goes off without a hitch. feeling good. i even walk the dog. all is going well. 

then i remember the paperwork that was due that day and know that i will be stuck at work after hours finishing it. so i decide that "deserve" a starbucks. i stop on the way to work and get my non-fat skinny latte. i look at the pastries and remember that i have been "good" this week so i don't get one. as i drive to work, i think about those pastries and how good they would taste. 

i go to work and half way through the morning i start to get hungry. i have brought yogurt and an apple, but there are doughnuts in the staff room and i have been so good all week and all can think about are those pastries that i didn't have ... but i resist. see how good i am? see what a good girl i am? i can follow the rules. i can be good. 

after a healthy lunch beside my colleagues who are eating pizza, fries, and cake (which i turned down), i go back to work. and after work, as i am driving home, i pass a tim hortons and decide that i deserve a doughnut after being so good all day. so i go through the drive-thru and get one ... except i actually get two. and i eat them in the car, rapidly, without actually tasting them. if i did sit and eat a doughnut paying attention to the taste, i would remember that i don't actually like them because they are too sweet. but i eat them while driving, so that they remain secret. as if the car blocks out the world and no one can see me scarfing down 2 doughnuts in rapid succession. 

when i get home, as i am making dinner, i snack on some chips and a handful (or 2) of chocolate mini eggs. i then eat dinner, and after dinner i keep eating. i eat mindlessly while i watch tv. i eat non-stop until i feel sick. 

then i feel shame. 

true deep self-loathing shame. 

which makes me eat more. eat past the sick. until i throw up. 

which makes me feel a deeper shame. 

so i go to sleep, resolving to have a better day. and when i wake up, i am convinced that today is the day that i am going to be good. in fact, i am going to be so good that i am not going to eat at all. i am going to be soooooo good. 

so, i skip breakfast and go to work. i allow myself to have tea ... 3 cups of tea ... and i skip lunch ... and i skip dinner ... and i drink lots of water to fill the rumbling emptiness in my stomach. and i feel strong. i feel like i can conquer the world. until the next day, when i wake up hungry and allow myself a slice of toast ... followed by more tea and water to fill my belly, no lunch, and a bit of food at dinner. this can go on for days until i am literally STARVING and i give in to my hunger and eat and eat and eat ... which leads to what? shame shame shame. and shame leads to more eating. which leads to throwing up. which leads to more shame. which leads to deprivation, which leads to a binge and back into shame. 

this, my friends, is my eating disorder shame cycle. and when i figure out how to break the cycle, i will let you know. i was told that if i eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, on a schedule that after 3 months it will become normal and my body will relax into knowing that it will have food every 3-4 hours. that sounds scary and sounds like a lot of eating and a lot of planning and a lot food. 3 months also sounds like a really long time. 

let me know about your shame cycles, and ways to breakthrough. 

and remember deprivation leads to binge eating, and diets are made to fail. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

motivation

“For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it.” 

― Allie Brosh

motivation is something that is plaguing me these days. well, actually, what is plaguing me is my complete lack of motivation. it's my complete inability to DO anything. 

“Most people can motivate themselves to do things simply by knowing that those things need to be done. But not me. For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it. If I win, I have to do something I don't want to do. And if I lose, I'm one step closer to ruining my entire life. And I never know whether I'm going to win or lose until the last second.” 

― Allie Brosh,

i don't know what the mental block is, but i have this list of really important things that need to be done and i can't make myself do any of them. i am well aware of the consequences of NOT doing what needs to be done ... and yet i sit here, blogging, instead of doing it. 

it's annoying. 

nosy nora says it's not annoying enough. she says that when it becomes truly annoying, i will start doing what needs to be done. 

“Fear and shame are the backbone of my self-control. They are my source of inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely unacceptable. They help me do the right thing. And I am terrified of what I would be without them. Because I suspect that, left to my own devices, I would completely lose control of my life. I'm still hoping that perhaps someday I'll learn how to use willpower like a real person, but until that very unlikely day, I will confidently battle toward adequacy, wielding my crude skill set of fear and shame.” 

― Allie Brosh

if i were truly in charge of my life, i would do nothing at all. i would spend the days in my pajamas, curled up in bed, reading, and writing, and eating chocolate. but if i were truly in charge of my life, i probably wouldn't want to do those things. 

“Fortunately, it turns out that being scared of yourself is a somewhat effective motivational technique.” 

― Allie Brosh

being scared of my own judgement can sometimes make me do one or two of the things on my list. i judge myself a whole lot harsher than i even think other people judge me. unfortunately, this fear doesn't get me to do the really big things. it simply gets me to do things like unload the dishwasher so that the sink isn't full of dishes ... and who am i kidding? SC does that most of the time too. 

“Тo me, the future doesn’t seem real. It’s just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don’t have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour.” ― Allie Brosh

i most certainly feel like the future is never going to come. that i can put things off forever and the inevitable will never happen. this makes my motivation non-existent. if tomorrow never arrives, then i never actually have to DO anything that i don't want to do. i don't have to have any responsibilities. i don't have to follow through on my commitments. i can simply stay in my pajamas, nap all afternoon, and do a whole lot of nothing. 

and no, this hasn't been working out well for me for the last 37 years. but i feel stuck. 

what do you do to motivate yourself?



be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

fears revisited ...

“Now it's the dark's turn to be afraid.” 

― Joseph Delaney

fears.

Feelings Evoked by an Anxiety Response.

fears can take over our life and prevent us from truly living. i have written about fears before, in relation to worries and anxiety. today i want to talk about fear in relation to taking risks. 

“I’m afraid I’ll be a book that no one reads. Music that no one listens to anymore. I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned like a movie playing in an empty theater.” 

― Tablo

being afraid of not being seen, of not being remembered, of not being noticed, is very common among women that i have been speaking to. the idea that the world could continue on without us in it is scary and causes you to feel lonely and alone. 

“Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” 

― J.K. Rowling

but naming your fear takes away some of its power. i am afraid of losing people. it's my biggest and scariest fear. the fact is, people come in and out of your life at different times and for different reasons. when i was younger, i was afraid that there were "bad guys" hiding under the bed. and to this day, i have to sleep with my hand curled up in my blanket and no part of me can be hanging off of the bed. 

“Fear cuts deeper than swords.” ― George R.R. Martin

our fears can prevent us from taking that leap towards greatness. fear of change, fear of the unknown ... fear of discomfort. these fears can be paralyzing and prevent us from doing the things that we need to do to grow our wings. 

“Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.” ― Paulo Coelho

facing our fears is a challenge. but the rewards can be plentiful. overcoming the things that scare us set us up on the road to greatness, to self-discovery, and to growth of our wings. 

“To know a species, look at its fears. To know yourself, look at your fears. Fear in itself is not important, but fear stands there and points you in the direction of things that are important. Don't be afraid of your fears, they're not there to scare you; they're there to let you know that something is worth it.” 

― C. JoyBell

fears are there to let you know that something is worth doing, worth having, worth being. fear is there to tell you that taking a risk is necessary to reach the next step. 

“It's like the smarter you are, the more things can scare you.” ― Katherine Paterson

some fears are there to protect you. like fear of dying prevents you from jumping off a cliff. duh. i'm not talking about self-preservation. i am talking about fear of public speaking, of applying for a new job, of leaving an abusive relationship, of moving, of starting fresh, of singing, of making art, of trying something new ... fear of taking a risk, getting messy, and making a mistake. 

“...she was so afraid of everything that she made it impossible to really enjoy anything at all.” ― Lemony Snicket

intense fear can overtake you and make it difficult to enjoy life. if you are always taking the safe and easy path, it can become boring and you can become stuck. trying something new can add an enrichment to your life that you never thought possible. my newest thing is listening to podcasts about PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and learning everything that i can about this disorder so that i can start to make the changes that i need to feel better in my body. admitting that i need help to navigate my way through this journey called "life" was scary - asking for that help was terrifying! in the beginning, receiving help was uncomfortable. now it has become okay for me, and i am asking more often.

when i picture fear, i picture a turtle, who protects itself inside its shell. i don't want to poke my head out of my shell, i want to shed my shell entirely. 

eleanor roosevelt said: "do one thing every day that scares you." what will your one thing be today?


be kind to yourself, 

creativity

"to live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong." - Joseph Chilton Pearce

being wrong. total fear. who wants to be wrong? who wants to put themselves out there and make a big mistake? but in order to live a full life, we need to be creative. 

"we have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down." - Kurt Vonnegut

creativity doesn't mean that you have to paint, or draw, or sculpt, or write plays, or make music. creativity can be in the kitchen, as you add a new ingredient or cook something new. it can be in the way you speak, the way you arrange your furniture, the accessories you wear or dress your house in, the way you play with your kids ... there's no limit on the ways to be creative. 

"others have seen what is and asked why. i have seen what could be and asked why not." - pablo picasso

without creativity, the world would be boring. everything would be the same. the sameness would be suffocating. but often creativity isn't easy. we are bombarded with images and messages all day long, both obvious and subliminal. these messages encourage sameness, not creativity. 

"creativity takes courage." - henri matisse

it takes courage to break out of what society tells us we should be, how we should look, what we should value, and how we should behave. creativity is being willing to step outside what is considered "normal" and be willing to make mistakes. life is messy. life is not perfection. and being imperfect and messy is exceptionally terrifying. 

"to be creative means to be in love with life. you can be creative only if you love life enough that you want to enhance its beauty, you want to bring a little more music to it, a little more poetry to it, a little more dance to it." - osho

i think that we need to take the idea of creativity beauty, dance, poetry, art, and music and look at those metaphorically ... making beauty in the things that you do - in trying new things, in speaking your truth, in managing your life ... in finding ways to engage in play. 


i think that a creative life is a brave life. how do you incorporate creativity into your life?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

let them eat cake ... the whole cake ...

the other night i was introduced to the idea that some people settle for crumbs instead of expecting and demanding the whole cake. 

when it comes to actual cake, eating the crumbs instead of the cake only leads to deprivation and later sneaking the cake. it leads to thinking about nothing BUT cake. and it leads to shame. 

“...compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting -- of leaving ourselves -- hundreds of times a day.” ― Geneen Roth

cake as a metaphor can allude to so many things.

relationships
settling for the crumbs means not expecting or demanding what you deserve from family, friends, or your partner. you deserve to be treated with respect. you deserve to be asked how you feel, how your day was, what you like, and what you want. you deserve to matter. you deserve to be in mutually respectful relationships in which you are equally important. you deserve to be compatible with the people you love. you deserve not to get text messages from your mother that say "you suck" or "you are a bad person." 



work
do you know how many times i have wanted to ask for more but was afraid to look like a jerk? i want better preps, i want better duties. i want less meetings and more of a break. i want a shorter lunch hour ... so many of us settle for the crumbs at work. not asking for a promotion. not sharing our ideas for fear of rejection. not demanding equal pay. work isn't just a place you go to get money. work often defines how we feel about ourselves. you are worth the whole cake at work too. 

sex
yeah ... i'm not going to write about sex. but RS wanted me to include it. when it comes to sex, many people settle for crumbs. you deserve a slice of cake. with layers. and lots of icing. and sprinkles. you get the point. 

food
when it comes to eating, too often i settle for the crumbs. literally. i starve myself until i am so hungry that i over-eat. because i don't think that i deserve to eat a slice of cake like everyone else. so alone and unobserved, i will eat my cake. but i will eat it like it is the last piece of cake i will ever have in my life. i don't taste it. and i don't enjoy it because i am being sneaky and don't think that i deserve to enjoy it. if i DO eat cake in front of people, i spend the entire time wondering what people are thinking about my cake eating. so i don't enjoy the cake at all. i barely taste it. 

so now what? i wish i had an answer for you. i wish i could tell you HOW to stop living on crumbs and to live a cake-filled life. but if i knew that, i would be living on cake myself. if i knew that, i wouldn't have a plate full of crumbs in front of me and i wouldn't feel guilty about even having that. i would ask for what i need, demand what i deserve, and seek out more cake varieties. 

so that is our homework ... choose one small area of your life where you accept crumbs, and look for a way to have a slice of cake. then email me or comment at the bottom of the post and tell me about it. i look forward to hearing about your accomplishments, and your struggles!

be kind to yourself, and go for the cake

xoxo

...

spring thoughts

my spring thoughts

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

i wanted to spend a bit of time this weekend talking about the renewal of spring. now is the time when the days are longer, the evenings are brighter, the temperature is theoretically warmer ... the flowers are starting to make their way through the cold hard earth and blooming. 

it makes me think about all the changes that i am making in my life. 

and all the changes i hope that you are making too.

i have been thinking a lot about eating and my disordered eating. and about body image in general. 

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.” 

― Marya Hornbacher,

where do our ideas and our ideals come from? before the diet industry, being plump meant being healthy because it meant that you had enough food to eat. 

it's time to start thinking about all the things that i am, instead of all the things that i am not. i am "not a problem to be solved." 

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.” 

― Geneen Roth

i am precious. i am worthy. i am enough. i am deserving ... if i tell myself those things over and over, maybe i will start to believe them. 

“What if I'm so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive?” ― Amy Reed

disordered eating affects every part of my life. right now, for example, i KNOW that i am not hungry. that i can't possibly be hungry. that i have eaten more than enough food. and yet, all i want is to go into the kitchen and find something to eat. for no real reason other than i feel like something is missing. there are other times where i convince myself that i don't need to eat at all. that i can make it through the day on an apple and a lot of tea. it's very confusing to determine which kind of day it is. 

“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.” ― Naomi Wolf

growing up, i was encouraged to be thin. by my parents, by my extended family, by my dance teachers, by the media, by society ... being thin meant being successful and being enough. being thin meant being accepted. and as my medical conditions (PCOS and hypothyroidism) caused me to gain weight, i began to feel more and more anxious and less and less worthy. 

at age 3, i started ballet and i was taught to suck in my stomach. i haven't let it out since then. 

what screws us up most is what other people expect our life is supposed to be. especially our early childhood expectations. what we learn then is what sets us up for the rest of our lives. it is the unlearning that is most important. 

i don't want to regret not taking advantage of opportunities that life throws my way. as much as i want to continue the patterns that have served me well for so many years ... the familiar patterns that have plagued me for so many years ... it's time for a change. it's time for renewal, and rejuvenation. it is time to refresh my life. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...