dis-em-bodied

disembodied. 

dis em body

dis them body

dis my body

this body is not me. this body is not my body. i don't recognize this body that i am in. mounds of flesh that aren't mine. layers of protection from the outside world. protection that got too thick. protection that got carried away. 

this body is not my body. 

this body is not me.

i talk to this body,

beg it to change. beg it to cooperate. beg it to be different. 

i hide this body. i hide it under layers of clothing. baggy tops that hide my flesh. sweaters when it's hot, hiding this body that is not mine. this body that is not me. 

i hate this body that i carry around. it's an imposition. i am an impostor, walking around in a body that is not mine. 

i am thoughts and feelings and energy and words. i am writing and reading and guitar playing and piano notes and songs. i am teaching and learning. i am talking. i am thinking. i am not this body. this body is not me. this body is not mine. 

people see this body. this body is presented as me. i am read as this body. this body that is not me. this body that is not mine. these mounds of flesh that hide who i am. 

when a stranger on the street calls me fat, i can't say, "oh yeah, well DP says i'm beautiful." or "oh yeah, well nosy nora says i have an energy about me and you're stupid that you can't see it." all i can do is take in the abuse. and then abuse myself. call myself names. call myself fat, and ugly, and lazy, and stupid, and useless, and worthless, and undeserving. 

all because of this extra weight that is carried on this body that is not me, this body that is not mine. 

this body doesn't move how i tell it to. the body in my mind can dance and walk for hours. the body in mind can do yoga like i used to. the body in my mind can do all sorts of things that this body can't do. this body gets tired. this body gets sore. this body doesn't have the flexibility. this body refuses to cooperate. 

i HATE this body. i HATE being stuck in a body that isn't mine, that isn't me. i HATE this body and i want it to go away. i want to peel off the layers. until i find myself. until i find the body underneath that is me. the body that is mine. 

i feel trapped inside a body that isn't me.

disconnected. disembodied. 

this is my body. but it is not my body. my body is not me. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

the rules

having an eating disorder involves having rules around food and eating. often the rules are complex and to the outside world ridiculous or nonsensical. 

****NOTE: the rules only apply to me. I don't pay attention to what other people eat or how other people eat. 

here are my rules:

1. never eat crunchy food in front of other people. it makes too much noise and draws attention to the fact that i am eating. 

2. never eat messy food in front of other people. messy food is anything that gets on your hands, teeth, or lips. no powdered sugar, no jam, no creamy sauces, nothing sticky, nothing that could get on your hands. 

3. chicken wings are a non-negotiable item. they must never be eaten. meat on a bone is a mostly never item. but chicken wings, especially with sauce, are never ever ever ever allowed. 

4. salad must be consumed without dressing. dressing is a sauce. sauce is messy. messy means drawing attention to my eating. 

5. fruit and vegetables are acceptable items to eat in public. it's better if they are cut into smaller pieces rather than just eating them whole. but whole is acceptable in certain circumstances or when cutting them is not an option. 

6. doughnuts ... doughnuts are a no-no in public. however, if the rule is broken and i am to eat one, there are certain rules applied to said doughnut. first, it must be fairly plain. no powder, no filling. second, if it has icing on top, then i must tear a small piece off the bottom and put it on top of the icing and then tear that piece off making a little sandwich. i can then eat that bite-sized piece. third, all donuts and other pastries must be plain and eaten in bite-sized pieces. 

7. sandwiches are to be eaten by tearing off small pieces, like the above description of the doughnut. biting into a sandwich is entirely unacceptable. 

8. soup? don't even think about it. i might slurp, thus drawing attention to my eating. or it could drip on my chin. no way i am taking that kind of a chance in public. 

9. there are sometimes exceptions to these rules when faced with public settings. however, it is completely uncomfortable to be in these settings and i am aware of every bite. 

10. nothing brown because it can get on my teeth and people will see it and then they will know i was eating. attention drawn = bad.

11. if given a choice, i would always eat alone in private. but eating is such a social experience that i force myself to eat with other people despite my discomfort. 

and now you know how completely insane i am. welcome to my world of food and eating rules. 

do you have rules? what are they?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

the eating disorder shame cycle

i am going to tell you a story.  as i write this, my personal shame gremlins (credit brene brown) are yelling at me that this is a bad idea, that i will be judged, that it's private and not for sharing, that no one wants to hear about my inner struggle with shame and food, that NO ONE will be able to relate to my story ... a story that is hard for me to share. but important for me to share.

it starts out as a regular morning. i get out of bed feeling good. feeling like today is the day that i am going to be good. today is the day that i am going to eat well, and exercise, and be a good girl. 

breakfast goes off without a hitch. feeling good. i even walk the dog. all is going well. 

then i remember the paperwork that was due that day and know that i will be stuck at work after hours finishing it. so i decide that "deserve" a starbucks. i stop on the way to work and get my non-fat skinny latte. i look at the pastries and remember that i have been "good" this week so i don't get one. as i drive to work, i think about those pastries and how good they would taste. 

i go to work and half way through the morning i start to get hungry. i have brought yogurt and an apple, but there are doughnuts in the staff room and i have been so good all week and all can think about are those pastries that i didn't have ... but i resist. see how good i am? see what a good girl i am? i can follow the rules. i can be good. 

after a healthy lunch beside my colleagues who are eating pizza, fries, and cake (which i turned down), i go back to work. and after work, as i am driving home, i pass a tim hortons and decide that i deserve a doughnut after being so good all day. so i go through the drive-thru and get one ... except i actually get two. and i eat them in the car, rapidly, without actually tasting them. if i did sit and eat a doughnut paying attention to the taste, i would remember that i don't actually like them because they are too sweet. but i eat them while driving, so that they remain secret. as if the car blocks out the world and no one can see me scarfing down 2 doughnuts in rapid succession. 

when i get home, as i am making dinner, i snack on some chips and a handful (or 2) of chocolate mini eggs. i then eat dinner, and after dinner i keep eating. i eat mindlessly while i watch tv. i eat non-stop until i feel sick. 

then i feel shame. 

true deep self-loathing shame. 

which makes me eat more. eat past the sick. until i throw up. 

which makes me feel a deeper shame. 

so i go to sleep, resolving to have a better day. and when i wake up, i am convinced that today is the day that i am going to be good. in fact, i am going to be so good that i am not going to eat at all. i am going to be soooooo good. 

so, i skip breakfast and go to work. i allow myself to have tea ... 3 cups of tea ... and i skip lunch ... and i skip dinner ... and i drink lots of water to fill the rumbling emptiness in my stomach. and i feel strong. i feel like i can conquer the world. until the next day, when i wake up hungry and allow myself a slice of toast ... followed by more tea and water to fill my belly, no lunch, and a bit of food at dinner. this can go on for days until i am literally STARVING and i give in to my hunger and eat and eat and eat ... which leads to what? shame shame shame. and shame leads to more eating. which leads to throwing up. which leads to more shame. which leads to deprivation, which leads to a binge and back into shame. 

this, my friends, is my eating disorder shame cycle. and when i figure out how to break the cycle, i will let you know. i was told that if i eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, on a schedule that after 3 months it will become normal and my body will relax into knowing that it will have food every 3-4 hours. that sounds scary and sounds like a lot of eating and a lot of planning and a lot food. 3 months also sounds like a really long time. 

let me know about your shame cycles, and ways to breakthrough. 

and remember deprivation leads to binge eating, and diets are made to fail. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

spring thoughts

my spring thoughts

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

i wanted to spend a bit of time this weekend talking about the renewal of spring. now is the time when the days are longer, the evenings are brighter, the temperature is theoretically warmer ... the flowers are starting to make their way through the cold hard earth and blooming. 

it makes me think about all the changes that i am making in my life. 

and all the changes i hope that you are making too.

i have been thinking a lot about eating and my disordered eating. and about body image in general. 

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.” 

― Marya Hornbacher,

where do our ideas and our ideals come from? before the diet industry, being plump meant being healthy because it meant that you had enough food to eat. 

it's time to start thinking about all the things that i am, instead of all the things that i am not. i am "not a problem to be solved." 

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.” 

― Geneen Roth

i am precious. i am worthy. i am enough. i am deserving ... if i tell myself those things over and over, maybe i will start to believe them. 

“What if I'm so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive?” ― Amy Reed

disordered eating affects every part of my life. right now, for example, i KNOW that i am not hungry. that i can't possibly be hungry. that i have eaten more than enough food. and yet, all i want is to go into the kitchen and find something to eat. for no real reason other than i feel like something is missing. there are other times where i convince myself that i don't need to eat at all. that i can make it through the day on an apple and a lot of tea. it's very confusing to determine which kind of day it is. 

“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.” ― Naomi Wolf

growing up, i was encouraged to be thin. by my parents, by my extended family, by my dance teachers, by the media, by society ... being thin meant being successful and being enough. being thin meant being accepted. and as my medical conditions (PCOS and hypothyroidism) caused me to gain weight, i began to feel more and more anxious and less and less worthy. 

at age 3, i started ballet and i was taught to suck in my stomach. i haven't let it out since then. 

what screws us up most is what other people expect our life is supposed to be. especially our early childhood expectations. what we learn then is what sets us up for the rest of our lives. it is the unlearning that is most important. 

i don't want to regret not taking advantage of opportunities that life throws my way. as much as i want to continue the patterns that have served me well for so many years ... the familiar patterns that have plagued me for so many years ... it's time for a change. it's time for renewal, and rejuvenation. it is time to refresh my life. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

damaged antenna

last night i learned from D B-R, that we are born with the ability to be intuitive. we are naturally able to tell the good people from the bad people - meaning the people who make us feel good and the people who make us feel bad. 

but what happens when a child is told that their instinct is wrong, or crazy, or stupid? what happens when children are made to feel like their natural intuition is off? 

it teaches you to not trust yourself and your intuition. it teaches you that what you feel is wrong. 

imagine a child who cried every time she saw her cousin. cried so much that she threw up. and the response to that was for her parents to work on desensitizing her to seeing his face by putting photos of him in bedtime story books. 

imagine a child who cried every time she saw her cousin. cried so much that she threw up. and the response to that was for her parents to ask her questions about why, to never leave her alone with that cousin, and to be on red alert around him.  

which child do you think will grow up trusting themselves? trusting their intuition? trusting the people whose job it is to take care of them, to protect them, and to keep them safe?

a child whose intuition isn't trusted learns that she can't trust herself. 

that's me. 

i have a damaged antenna. i know perfectly well who is going to harm me, and yet i act as if i trust those people. 

up until the last few years, i would enact untrustworthy relationships repeatedly. 

i remember being 6 and cabbage patch kids were all the rage. people had swarmed stores and near-riots had broken out in december as people fought to buy cabbage patch kids for christmas. 

my dad managed to get me one on christmas eve. 

so there i was, 6 years old, at ballet class. my friends and i went downstairs with our cabbage patch kids and our moms were still upstairs. a man walked up to us and asked us about our dolls and asked if he could take one to show his friends in a restaurant. 

i handed over that doll. i was sure that i would never see it again. i was sure that he had stolen it forever. my damaged antenna told me that talking to a strange man was bad, but that i must be crazy so i talked to him. my intuition told me that he was stealing my doll, but my busted antenna told me that i was wrong about everything else, so i must be wrong about this too. 

in the end, the man did actually come back with the doll. but my mom was furious at me for talking to a stranger and for giving that stranger my doll to take into a restaurant. 

damaged antenna. 

about ten years ago i became friends with a woman whom i shall call Leanne. this was an odd friendship. my intuition told me that this friendship was never going to work. Leanne told me that if i ever crossed her she would hate me for life. but because i believed that my intuition was off, i stayed friends with Leanne and took her constant verbal abuse. this went on for 2 years, me thinking that this friendship was crappy, but convincing myself that i am always wrong, and staying her friend. 

it wasn't until i crossed her that the friendship ended. it was a little thing. i turned my back and spoke to someone that wasn't her in a staff meeting. seriously. i'm not kidding. that one act made her decide to hate me "for life." and we haven't spoken since. it's been 8 years. we still work together and she continues to ignore me as much as it is possible to do in a work setting. 

i look back on that friendship, and on many others that i had before that one ... and i think about my damaged antenna. 

so ask yourself this ... when you were a child, were you taught that your intuition was worth listening to? or were you taught to mistrust yourself?

my damaged antenna plays out in all areas of my life. it plays out in food and eating. i make a list of the foods that i can't eat, even though intuition tells me that deprivation will lead to a binge. which it does. which then leads to further deprivation of food altogether. 

i don't know my own cues for when i am hungry and when i am full, because i wasn't taught to believe myself or to believe what my mind and body tell me. 

can a damaged antenna be repaired? of course it can. through mindfulness. through trusting myself. through listening to myself. 

even after this terrible winter, the flowers come back. they know when to grow. they know when to lie dormant in the earth. i saw these flowers today on my walk and thought about intuition. 

how is your antenna?  


be kind to yourself, and listen to your intuition

xoxo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btbTj7DJ1yM ...