brene brown

last night, radical t and i were talking about connection and its importance in our lives. radical t reminded me that brene brown states that we, as humans, are hard wired for connection. i then went to bed and read some brene brown. i wanted to share some of her gems of wisdom ... 

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ..............  “Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”  
― Brené Brown


connecting with others makes us feel seen, heard, and valued. it gives us a sense of belonging and a reason to be here on this planet. 

“Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.” 
― Brené Brown

connecting doesn't happen with everyone. i can't be authentic with my students all the time. i'm not authentic with the grocery store clerk. i make my connections with the people in life who matter. finding the right people to make connections with means figuring out who makes you feel heard and valued.

“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” 
― Brené Brown

suffering is what happens when there is a lack of connection. not connecting with people leaves you feeling lost, undervalued, unheard, and not belonging. loneliness leads to numbing through things like addictions, eating disorders, anxiety, depression ... 

“There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

letting yourself be seen is the scariest and bravest choice that you can make. it means living an authentic life. telling your story to those who deserve to hear it. 

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” 
― Brené Brown

i used to be an expert on numbing emotions. i found many non-unique ways to rid myself of painful emotions which led to the ridding of positive emotions. you can't feel joy if you don't allow yourself to feel grief. 

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

being courageous and being seen is the opposite of numbing emotions. showing yourself to the people who you can make real connections with is a way to feel like you belong. courage and authenticity go hand in hand. 

“If we can find someone who has earned the right to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken. In this way, we need to cultivate our story to let go of shame, and we need to develop shame resilience in order to cultivate our story.” 
― Brené Brown

i have chosen this blog as a way to tell my story. by sharing my story with the world, although anonymously, my shame loses its power. and by sharing even more details about my story with people who have earned the right to hear it, shame disappears. 

“the culture of shame is driven by fear, blame and disconnection and it's often a powerful incubator for issues like perfectionism, stereotyping, gossip and addiction” 
― Brené Brown

disconnection happens when shame is allowed to fester and run your life. disconnection is the opposite of feeling seen, heard, and valued. 

“In our technology-crazed world, we’ve confused being communicative with feeling connected. Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on Facebook than we do face-to-face with the people we care about.” 
― Brené Brown

i spend way too much time on the computer. communicating through social media, blogging, and texting, and until i really thought about it, i thought that it was connecting. but it's important to get off the techno, and come face to face with the people that matter in our lives. 

try it. 

be kind to yourself, 
and most importantly ...

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” 
― Brené Brown

xoxo

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baby steps

change is hard. 

and it doesn't happen all at once. 

i often make the mistake of trying to make a bunch of changes all at once which is setting myself up for failure ... which is inevitable ... 

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein

i need to change my thinking about changing. i need to stop trying to make all these giant shifts all at once. small steps each day is the only way to make effective changes. 

for example, tonight i added broccoli to dinner. that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is. broccoli and carrots. tomorrow i plan to drink a glass of water. just one. i never drink water. mostly because i have to pee all the time and i know that drinking water will make it a hundred times worse. but tomorrow my baby step will be to drink a glass of water. 

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol

i could sit around and wait for my life to change. i could get up tomorrow and eat only healthy foods, drink lots of water, work-out for an hour and a half ... i could do all that ... but i wont do it again the next day. changing yourself means being realistic and making small steps. 

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

my current state is not nurturing. i am not happy with my life the way it is right now. there are things that i need to make different. and i need to acknowledge that it is hard. 

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

we only have one life, and we only have one self. altering our lives means altering ourselves. we need to adapt ourselves to be our best selves. and this means taking baby steps towards greatness. this means pushing through, and pushing past what we think we cannot achieve. 

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” ― Madonna

who knew i would offer advice from madonna. but it's good advice. becoming a better version of yourself is possible. it is not out of reach. but not by making giant changes all at once. 

“How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the whole day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day.” ― Anne Frank

now anne frank, that's more my style of offering wisdom. 

each night when i lay in bed, i make it a point to go over my day and consider the good and the bad. i then follow zed's example and i think about the people in my life and my wishes for them. and in the morning, i endeavor to do better.  

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ― Carl R. Rogers

geneen roth said, you are not a problem to be solved. that is a very difficult thing to hear and believe. but making changes doesn't mean that you are broken or worthless. it simply means that you want more for yourself. that you deserve better than the life that you are living. that you deserve more. that you deserve to experience enoughness. 
(see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/enoughness.html) 

“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

remaking ourselves IS possible. it isn't easy. but nothing worthwhile is easy. altering habits isn't easy, but it can be done one day at a time. it's the belief in ourselves that needs to change.

believe in yourself and your ability to be great. believe in your ability that you are enough. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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butterfly wings

my blog is doing better than i ever expected. 

Pageviews today

69

Pageviews yesterday

56

Pageviews all time history

11,046

those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people. 

today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me. 

how will i know?  

“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.” 

― Haruki Murakami

in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.

maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature. 

change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...

 in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before  i try to fly.

going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be. 

that was complicated ... 

going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself. 

as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.

sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply. 

i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fears revisited ...

“Now it's the dark's turn to be afraid.” 

― Joseph Delaney

fears.

Feelings Evoked by an Anxiety Response.

fears can take over our life and prevent us from truly living. i have written about fears before, in relation to worries and anxiety. today i want to talk about fear in relation to taking risks. 

“I’m afraid I’ll be a book that no one reads. Music that no one listens to anymore. I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned like a movie playing in an empty theater.” 

― Tablo

being afraid of not being seen, of not being remembered, of not being noticed, is very common among women that i have been speaking to. the idea that the world could continue on without us in it is scary and causes you to feel lonely and alone. 

“Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” 

― J.K. Rowling

but naming your fear takes away some of its power. i am afraid of losing people. it's my biggest and scariest fear. the fact is, people come in and out of your life at different times and for different reasons. when i was younger, i was afraid that there were "bad guys" hiding under the bed. and to this day, i have to sleep with my hand curled up in my blanket and no part of me can be hanging off of the bed. 

“Fear cuts deeper than swords.” ― George R.R. Martin

our fears can prevent us from taking that leap towards greatness. fear of change, fear of the unknown ... fear of discomfort. these fears can be paralyzing and prevent us from doing the things that we need to do to grow our wings. 

“Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.” ― Paulo Coelho

facing our fears is a challenge. but the rewards can be plentiful. overcoming the things that scare us set us up on the road to greatness, to self-discovery, and to growth of our wings. 

“To know a species, look at its fears. To know yourself, look at your fears. Fear in itself is not important, but fear stands there and points you in the direction of things that are important. Don't be afraid of your fears, they're not there to scare you; they're there to let you know that something is worth it.” 

― C. JoyBell

fears are there to let you know that something is worth doing, worth having, worth being. fear is there to tell you that taking a risk is necessary to reach the next step. 

“It's like the smarter you are, the more things can scare you.” ― Katherine Paterson

some fears are there to protect you. like fear of dying prevents you from jumping off a cliff. duh. i'm not talking about self-preservation. i am talking about fear of public speaking, of applying for a new job, of leaving an abusive relationship, of moving, of starting fresh, of singing, of making art, of trying something new ... fear of taking a risk, getting messy, and making a mistake. 

“...she was so afraid of everything that she made it impossible to really enjoy anything at all.” ― Lemony Snicket

intense fear can overtake you and make it difficult to enjoy life. if you are always taking the safe and easy path, it can become boring and you can become stuck. trying something new can add an enrichment to your life that you never thought possible. my newest thing is listening to podcasts about PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and learning everything that i can about this disorder so that i can start to make the changes that i need to feel better in my body. admitting that i need help to navigate my way through this journey called "life" was scary - asking for that help was terrifying! in the beginning, receiving help was uncomfortable. now it has become okay for me, and i am asking more often.

when i picture fear, i picture a turtle, who protects itself inside its shell. i don't want to poke my head out of my shell, i want to shed my shell entirely. 

eleanor roosevelt said: "do one thing every day that scares you." what will your one thing be today?


be kind to yourself, 

creativity

"to live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong." - Joseph Chilton Pearce

being wrong. total fear. who wants to be wrong? who wants to put themselves out there and make a big mistake? but in order to live a full life, we need to be creative. 

"we have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down." - Kurt Vonnegut

creativity doesn't mean that you have to paint, or draw, or sculpt, or write plays, or make music. creativity can be in the kitchen, as you add a new ingredient or cook something new. it can be in the way you speak, the way you arrange your furniture, the accessories you wear or dress your house in, the way you play with your kids ... there's no limit on the ways to be creative. 

"others have seen what is and asked why. i have seen what could be and asked why not." - pablo picasso

without creativity, the world would be boring. everything would be the same. the sameness would be suffocating. but often creativity isn't easy. we are bombarded with images and messages all day long, both obvious and subliminal. these messages encourage sameness, not creativity. 

"creativity takes courage." - henri matisse

it takes courage to break out of what society tells us we should be, how we should look, what we should value, and how we should behave. creativity is being willing to step outside what is considered "normal" and be willing to make mistakes. life is messy. life is not perfection. and being imperfect and messy is exceptionally terrifying. 

"to be creative means to be in love with life. you can be creative only if you love life enough that you want to enhance its beauty, you want to bring a little more music to it, a little more poetry to it, a little more dance to it." - osho

i think that we need to take the idea of creativity beauty, dance, poetry, art, and music and look at those metaphorically ... making beauty in the things that you do - in trying new things, in speaking your truth, in managing your life ... in finding ways to engage in play. 


i think that a creative life is a brave life. how do you incorporate creativity into your life?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fresh starts

my very favourite quote from anne of green gables is "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." there is something comforting about the idea that you can always make a fresh start. 

nothing represents a fresh start for me more than green gables. it was a new beginning for anne. a place where dreams could come true. where mistakes could me made and second chances were given. where the love healed all wounds. 

i am thinking about fresh starts today. new beginnings. which reminds me of yesterday's post about spring and renewal. flowers coming back after a dormancy through the harsh winter. 

i am thinking about how i have taken time for myself, and today i am going back to work. 

what is a fresh start? what does it mean to start fresh? it's a clean slate. an opportunity to begin again without prejudice. tabula rasa. 

today will feel like the first day. because i am different. because i have been away. because the kids have been away. 

merriam webster defines fresh as newly made, not spoiled, clean and pure. my start today is not spoiled. it is clean, and pure, and ready for me to live to the fullest. 

i think that courage is showing up. sometimes showing up after hardship. sometimes showing up after humiliation. and sometimes, just showing up. 

a fresh start is courageous because it is showing up. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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