keeping myself small

"why do we feel that we have to have small bodies to have big lives? what feels good about feeling bad? and where do we turn for nourishment when it's not in the places we thought it would be?" - Geneen Roth

i have kept myself small for many years. large in physique and small in my life. i have diminished my accomplishments so as not to make other people feel bad. i worry about how my accomplishments will make other people feel, so i diminish my achievements thinking that will make other people feel good. 

my parents had their problems; both in their relationship and in their own lives. and i learned that by being small, i could blend into the background. i didn't share my report cards. i didn't share my writing. i kept it all to myself. keeping my life small and meaningless. keeping myself from being the centre of attention. 

"we believe we are not enough, we also believe that if we had more or were different, we would feel nourished." - Geneen Roth

i have spent my small life believing that i am not enough, that i don't do enough, that i don't have enough. believing that if only i were thin, if only i were smart, if only i were ______ i would feel nourished and fulfilled. not knowing that what i need to be nourished has been right here inside of me all along. 

for years i turned to my addictions: food and pills. using both to try to fill the empty spaces inside of me. 

"what did i want that i could never have, which made me feel like an endless pit of need?" - Geneen Roth

what did i want? i wanted to fit in with the other kids. i wanted to feel part of a group. i wanted to feel belonging and connection. instead, i felt like "an endless pit of need." and i tried to fill that pit with food. 

but you cannot fill an endless pit. 

"when you hide [eating] you give yourself the message that who you are is not acceptable, and that you must pretend to be someone else to be loved." - Geneen Roth

i spend way too much of my life hiding my eating. i would sneak to the store, buy a chocolate bar, and eat it as fast as i could. when i was 9. 

and i continued to hide my eating well into my 30s. in public, eating "healthy" foods, in private consuming vast quantities of "unhealthy" foods. making myself bigger to keep my life small. 

"when you sneak food, you perpetuate the belief that you are too ugly, too needy, too intense to be seen and loved for who you are. the same is true when you sneak feelings." - Geneen Roth

sneaking food and sneaking feelings are one and the same in my life. afraid to tell people how i feel. afraid to show people what i eat. afraid to live a big and full life. afraid to show people who i really am. 

"there is no such thing as enough because we believe that our very being is not enough. [...] to have enough, we have to believe that we are enough." - Geneen Roth

believing that i am enough is the most difficult affirmation i have ever tried to tell myself. that and a line from an article by nosy nora, "i love and accept myself deeply and completely." ... i have that as the screen saver on my phone and though i see it a zillion times a day, i find it hard to believe. hard to accept as my truth. believing that i am enough means loving myself deeply and completely. believing that i am enough means accepting myself for who i am. believing that i am enough means sharing my feelings, sharing my eating, and letting people know me for who i really am. 

"wanting things that could easily be given, be gotten, rather than wanting what i knew i couldn't have from either of my parents: being seen, being met. being valued for the fullness i already embodied." - Geneen Roth

it was much easier ... is much easier ... to want to be thin, to want new shoes, to want the newest indigo girls album ... than it is to demand to be valued, to be seen, to be heard. it became easier to keep my life small than to accept that i wasn't being seen or heard. it became easier to make my body bigger, to protect myself. 

at 13, i became noticed for my body. and that noticing led to events that i would rather forget. some that i have forgotten. and at 13, i began to make myself small, to blend into the background, to not be noticed. at 13, i learned that to lead a small life meant to have a large body. 

this is all subconscious of course. i never set out to be fat. but i have kept myself fat for many years. keeping myself big as a way to protect myself from living a full life. 

i leave you with this thought ...

"the world will not fall apart if we let ourselves express our vastness. it is more likely the world will stop falling apart when we do." - Geneen Roth

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

the eating disorder shame cycle

i am going to tell you a story.  as i write this, my personal shame gremlins (credit brene brown) are yelling at me that this is a bad idea, that i will be judged, that it's private and not for sharing, that no one wants to hear about my inner struggle with shame and food, that NO ONE will be able to relate to my story ... a story that is hard for me to share. but important for me to share.

it starts out as a regular morning. i get out of bed feeling good. feeling like today is the day that i am going to be good. today is the day that i am going to eat well, and exercise, and be a good girl. 

breakfast goes off without a hitch. feeling good. i even walk the dog. all is going well. 

then i remember the paperwork that was due that day and know that i will be stuck at work after hours finishing it. so i decide that "deserve" a starbucks. i stop on the way to work and get my non-fat skinny latte. i look at the pastries and remember that i have been "good" this week so i don't get one. as i drive to work, i think about those pastries and how good they would taste. 

i go to work and half way through the morning i start to get hungry. i have brought yogurt and an apple, but there are doughnuts in the staff room and i have been so good all week and all can think about are those pastries that i didn't have ... but i resist. see how good i am? see what a good girl i am? i can follow the rules. i can be good. 

after a healthy lunch beside my colleagues who are eating pizza, fries, and cake (which i turned down), i go back to work. and after work, as i am driving home, i pass a tim hortons and decide that i deserve a doughnut after being so good all day. so i go through the drive-thru and get one ... except i actually get two. and i eat them in the car, rapidly, without actually tasting them. if i did sit and eat a doughnut paying attention to the taste, i would remember that i don't actually like them because they are too sweet. but i eat them while driving, so that they remain secret. as if the car blocks out the world and no one can see me scarfing down 2 doughnuts in rapid succession. 

when i get home, as i am making dinner, i snack on some chips and a handful (or 2) of chocolate mini eggs. i then eat dinner, and after dinner i keep eating. i eat mindlessly while i watch tv. i eat non-stop until i feel sick. 

then i feel shame. 

true deep self-loathing shame. 

which makes me eat more. eat past the sick. until i throw up. 

which makes me feel a deeper shame. 

so i go to sleep, resolving to have a better day. and when i wake up, i am convinced that today is the day that i am going to be good. in fact, i am going to be so good that i am not going to eat at all. i am going to be soooooo good. 

so, i skip breakfast and go to work. i allow myself to have tea ... 3 cups of tea ... and i skip lunch ... and i skip dinner ... and i drink lots of water to fill the rumbling emptiness in my stomach. and i feel strong. i feel like i can conquer the world. until the next day, when i wake up hungry and allow myself a slice of toast ... followed by more tea and water to fill my belly, no lunch, and a bit of food at dinner. this can go on for days until i am literally STARVING and i give in to my hunger and eat and eat and eat ... which leads to what? shame shame shame. and shame leads to more eating. which leads to throwing up. which leads to more shame. which leads to deprivation, which leads to a binge and back into shame. 

this, my friends, is my eating disorder shame cycle. and when i figure out how to break the cycle, i will let you know. i was told that if i eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, on a schedule that after 3 months it will become normal and my body will relax into knowing that it will have food every 3-4 hours. that sounds scary and sounds like a lot of eating and a lot of planning and a lot food. 3 months also sounds like a really long time. 

let me know about your shame cycles, and ways to breakthrough. 

and remember deprivation leads to binge eating, and diets are made to fail. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

Treating myself with compassion

tonight i ate half a pizza in one sitting in a very short time span. that was a lot of pizza. 

why did i eat so much pizza? 

i have come to learn that we are all made up of many parts of ourselves. the adult me is often not the one in charge. tonight, it was my 3 year old self who decided to eat the pizza.

last night i saw a photo in an old book. it was a photo of me at my 3rd birthday party. 

look at my eyes. look how scared I am. 

that day, i faced trauma and ran from it, only to be shamed by my parents and told to go back and face it again. i wasn't asked why i ran away. i wasn't asked why i was so scared. no one hugged me, or comforted me, or took the time to find out why i would hide in my room crying at my own birthday party. instead, i was scolded and forced to return to the scene of the trauma. 

no one listened to that 3 year old little girl. no one believed her. 

she learned that day that she didn't matter. that she wasn't worthy or deserving of care. that she wasn't worth listening to. so she found ways to numb her pain.

and tonight she reacted to the trauma by making the adult me eat half a pizza. 

which then brought on a shame storm. (Brene Brown) 

i began listing all the things that i hate about myself. 

the list is long and possibly endless. and i wont bore you with the details. suffice it to say, it was an incredibly long list of every little detail that i hate about myself which only led to more shame. 

and letting yourself be swallowed by a shame storm only begets more shame.

a very wise woman, who is also a very dear friend, AG, said "your little part is severely hurting ... you can believe her. i can believe her. i DO believe her. So are you going to continue to slap her in the face with it? ... resolve to treat her better." 

this is my attempt at treating her with compassion instead of the rejection that she received that day. 

i am choosing to share this piece of my story ... i am choosing to give her a voice. she wants to say that she was scared. she wants to say that she was hurt. she wants to say that she was just as important as the guests at the party who she was told were the reason she had to get her ass back down the stairs. she wants to say that someone needed to ask her what scared her to the core. why she would hide and repeatedly kick the dresser at her own birthday party. someone needed to notice that her fear was REAL.

giving her a voice makes her feel heard. making her feel heard helps me to forgive myself for eating half a pizza. giving her a voice gives ME a voice. makes ME feel heard. 

and it is my way of showing myself compassion. 

xoxo

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