blogging

“Blogging is to writing what extreme sports are to athletics: more free-form, more accident-prone, less formal, more alive. It is, in many ways, writing out loud.”- Andrew Sullivan

why do i blog? 

i have found that my writing is often as much for me as it is for the people who read me. 

“Writing is the only way I have to explain my own life to myself.” 
― Pat Conroy

i work out a lot of the things in my head through my writing. it is how i sort out my ideas, thoughts, dreams, frustrations, and inspirations. and by sharing these things in a blog, maybe one person will take something from my sorting and apply it to their own life. i have to believe that someone is getting something from my writing as i am at nearly 14,000 page views. mostly from the USA and russia. 

“My blog is a collection of answers people don’t want to hear to questions they didn’t ask.” 
― Sebastyne Young

i do often wonder if i am babbling. or if people are skimming my writing and moving on to their next thing. my blog is a collection of thoughts on random ideas from my head. 

“She logged in and read a few of her old posts, smiling at the issues she had raged about and shaking her head at how some of the rants now seemed pretentious and judgmental. She had grown so much without even realizing she had. Mythili typed out the draft, spicing it up subtly and after a last read, she published it. Admiring the brand new post on her main page, she realized she missed writing. She had barely written anything since her last by-line. Typing this out, she felt like she was back with a long-lost friend who understood her. It was like snuggling up in a warm blanket when a thunderstorm raged outside.” 
― Shweta Ganesh Kumar

writing has got to be my most favourite thing to do. and sharing my writing makes me feel heard and understood. blogging is a way to share my writing easily. 

“In a sense who you are has always been a story that you told to yourself. Now your self is a story that you tell to others.” 
― Geoff Ryman

telling my story and sharing my SELF with others makes me feel like i matter. little insignificant me in this vast world. 

“Blogging isn’t about publishing as much as you can. It’s about publishing as smart as you can.” 
― Jon Morrow

lately i haven't been blogging daily. and that is because i don't want to write random posts that are meaningless. i wait until i have a topic that i feel passionate about discussing, or when someone gives me an idea, or when i have a burst of inspiration. sometimes it happens daily, and other times there is a space of time in between. 

writing is my passion. what is yours?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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writers block

“Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?” 

― Kurt Vonnegut

i have been struggling to write over the last month. struggling to find topics. struggling to find words. i have spent hours staring at the blank screen, waiting for ideas to burst forth from my fingers. 

i love the feeling of the keys clicking under my fingers. the sound of the keys, clicking and clacking. click click click making words, sentences, thoughts and ideas. phrases that will be read. phrases that share my inner world. 

“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.” 

― Lili St. Crow

i love to write. i am scripturient. my OAC english teacher called me a prolific writer. i write every day. and the idea that i am out of ideas scares me. so, i am writing about writing. i am writing about my lack of writing, my struggle to write.

“Don’t waste time waiting for inspiration. Begin, and inspiration will find you.” 

― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

i am sitting here, listening to the click click click, feeling the keys clickity clack under my fingers. hoping that i will come up with some brilliant idea that will inspire my readers. or more importantly, inspire myself. 

“I haven't written in a week. It's like holding your breath under water. You feel an awful constriction and then the instinct to propel yourself.” ― D.A. Botta

it's only been 2 days since i have written. but it feels much longer. the absence of words leaves an emptiness inside of me. a longing to put my thoughts into words. words into phrases. phrases into organized ideas. breathing life into words, and words into breath. 

the typing is rhythmic and soothing. like a drum beating to the rhythm of a heartbeat, my typing makes me feel alive. and having nothing to write about leaves an absence deep inside of me. 

“All writing problems are psychological problems. Blocks usually stem from the fear of being judged. If you imagine the world listening, you'll never write a line. That's why privacy is so important. You should write first drafts as if they will never be shown to anyone.” ― Erica Jong

as a blog writer, i don't have the luxury of pretending to write like no one will ever read what i say. this blog has had over 12,500 page views. 12,500 times something that i have written has been read. it is an instant way of connecting with the world. there is nothing as satisfying as getting comments and responses to my writing - even when those responses disagree with me. in fact, the disagreements are the most exciting responses for me to read.

“writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all” ― Charles Bukowski

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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hunger

i am hungry all the time. 

i hunger for love, for affection, for validation, for acceptance, for art, for beauty, for inspiration ... i have an insatiable hunger for joy. 

“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are still alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.” 

― George Eliot

the hunger for what is beautiful and good rumbles in my heart. my need feels so huge that it may consume me, if i don't consume what i hunger for. 

“Hunger of choice is a painful luxury; hunger of necessity is terrifying torture.” ― Mike Mullin

being hungry often leads us to fill that void with an attainable source. we replaced our hunger for love and affection with a hunger for food. because food can be found and consumed. food can be used as an attempt to fill those empty spaces where beauty and worthiness are missing.

We hunger for something more, something other.” ― Ann Voskamp

we are often on the lookout for something else. constantly seeking what we don't have. amassing wealth, power, possessions, in an attempt to fill that empty aching space inside of us that is a hunger for more. the feelings of not enoughness drive us to seek out more and more items, instead of looking for what will actually fulfill us which may be as simple as music, hugs, laughter, and good friends. 

“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty. 
” ― Jarod Kintz

what is your truth? and how can it feed your hunger? hunger is like an ache that can only be satiated by filling yourself with what is missing. food hunger happens because our bodies need fuel. food is fuel. and when we fuel our bodies, we are able to function through our day. but what about that other hunger? the hunger for affection, for love, for validation, for acceptance ... what about the hunger that we don't know how to fill?

 "Guilt is fueled by obligation hunger is fueled by desire.”― Tyler Edwards

if hunger is fueled by desire, then filling yourself with what you desire is the solution to the emptiness. seeking out what we need. asking for what we need and deserve. demanding respect. seeking out relationships that satiate our hunger for acceptance, love, belonging, and affection. fill yourself with the goodness of the people around you. find a way to fill yourself with beauty through art, music, dance, theatre - as a spectator or a participant. 

“Someday we shall look back on this dark era of agriculture and shake our heads. How could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poisons?” ― Jane Goodall

"how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poison?" ... how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our souls with poison? to grow requires love, affection, devotion, praise, belonging, worth, and enoughness. 

you are enoughness. you are worthy, and deserving, and the hunger you feel for whatever it is that you need ... that hunger can be filled by seeking it out and demanding it. there is nothing wrong with asking for a hug from someone who will genuinely hug you back. there is nothing wrong with telling a friend that you need to know you are loved. we hunger for more than food, water, and shelter. we hunger to feel like we matter. 

if you are reading this, you matter to me. 

you matter.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

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Inspiration

i want to inspire people. i want this blog to be inspiring ... the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me was that they were able to come out because i did first. that i made it okay, and safe. 

instead of trying too hard to be an inspiration, i thought that i would share with you some of the things that inspire me ...

i spend way too much time worrying about the mean people in my life and what i have done wrong to bring on the meanness. the truth is, it has nothing to do with me. their wounds, their darkness, their struggles bring out a mean and nasty way of treating people that is both beyond my control, and entirely not my fault. 

no one lives in a vacuum with one challenge. no one exists as on identity. our identities are multifaceted, as are our struggles. 

sharing your darkness with others is terrifying and liberating. my biggest fear is that people will leave me if they knew who i truly am. and i have learned over the last year that the people who stay are my true friends. the people who know my darkness, face it, and accept it, are the people who will be here for me for many, many years to come. 

wow. that one gets me every time. enough is in "relationship to what you already have." as a person who is always worried about not having enough and not getting enough, this always stops me in my tracks. i have enough love, enough food, enough support, enough friendship, enough greatness. and yet, i always feel like i will lose it all, so i gather it as close to me as i can get it. i worry about never eating chocolate again, so i feel like i can't get enough of it and i eat too much. i worry about my friends leaving me, so i gather them under my wings and sometimes hold them too tightly. and i reach out constantly to nosy nora, afraid that the connection to her, and the support from her will cease to exist. 

there is no point in getting into loud screaming matches. i spent much of my childhood being yelled at. and i have learned that it is the words you use to stand up for yourself and to speak your truth, not the volume of your voice. 

a process. a big, long, complicated, messy process. healing takes time. do you remember the rice krispies commercial where the mom is in the kitchen reading a book and the kids and dad call from the other room "are they ready yet?" and the says "these things take time!"? and then she splashes herself with flour and makes it look like she worked really hard ... it reminds me of healing and changing. "these things take time" and these things are hard work, but only as hard as we make them. softening yourself to the changes and the healing will allow them to happen. giving yourself time, and being compassionate with yourself will allow them to happen. even though you need to be patient. 

sometimes i just need to vent. period. 

see previous post here on how we treat ourselves. 

we are all in this life thing together, as nosy nora likes to tell me. she also says we all need each other. i have tried for a very long time to do it all by myself - to live i mean. but the reality is that my friends have ignited in me many hopes, dreams, loves, desires, longings, and passion. and i am grateful to all of them. 

i spend way to much time wanting what i don't have, planning how to get it, and working towards that goal. what i need to do is to look at what i already have, enjoy that, and LIVE. 

permission to feel good ... wow. i don't know about you, but i spend so much time worrying about the feelings of other people that i rarely pay attention to my needs or my feelings. and when i do pay attention, it is to all the negative feelings and the hardships of my life. permission to feel good. permission to admit that there are many wonderful aspects of my life. i like that idea ... putting into practice is another story. 

i have been letting go of people and things in my life that do not give me what i deserve. and i have been asking for what i deserve from the people who i don't want to let go. and it is really, really HARD, and really, really IMPORTANT. if you aren't already doing it ... start now ... RIGHT NOW!

waiting to be rich, waiting to be thin, waiting to get promoted, waiting to have kids, waiting to buy a house, waiting for the next thing. waiting for you life to begin. guess what? first, your life began a very long time ago when you were born. and second, waiting isn't living. you have a life, here and now. you have a life worth living because you are worthy as you are. think about it. try it. try living the life you have right now. 

as always ... 

be kind to yourself ...

xoxo

...

never give up

i have been receiving comments from people lately about this blog and how they connect to my stories - my truths. readers have been offering me their own stories, their own truths. some are heart-breaking, some inspiring. all are valuable. 

i have been sharing with readers, and readers have been sharing with me. i take as much from you who read my blog as you are taking from my writing. this sharing of knowledge, of wisdom, gives me the strength and courage to keep writing. 

one of the emails i received was about tenacity. so i started to think about the ability to face a challenge, to look it in the face, and to keep going.  

change is hard. change is a long process. a winding path that doubles back on itself in crazy loops. 2 steps forward, 73 steps back ... ok, maybe 1 step back. the magic won't happen if you give up. the magic comes from tenacity. my point is, that anything worth doing takes time - sometimes a LOT of time. but don't give up on your dreams, on your goals, on your SELF. 

be kind to yourself, and "don't quit too soon!"

xoxo

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meraki and self-hate

why does shame and self-loathing become cruelty to the innocent? - anne rice

meraki: the soul, creativity, or love put into something; the essence of yourself that is put into your work. 

this blog is my meraki. this blog is where i put my emotional energy. it is a way to feel connected to other people. the emails that i get from readers who say that they relate to my stories make this blog worthwhile. 

AT said to me that this blog is like my personal journal that i make public. she's right. and it's also a way for me to find connection in a safe way. because the people who don't want to read it, wont read it. the people who i don't want to know my story don't know who i am anyway. 

writing this blog gives me strength. 

i have discovered recently that there are many people who have stories similar to mine. many people who find themselves in a spiral of self-hatred. chuck palahniuk wrote: "when we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves." i agree to an extent. and yet i think that we know exactly who to hate, but we think that we are not deserving of having these feelings, and so we blame ourselves for the hurt inflicted upon us and we hate ourselves instead. 

self-hatred is a coping mechanism that allows us to focus the anger that we don't think other people deserve. LES takes her anger and rage and frustration and history of abuse and turns it inward. hating herself and allowing people to continue to treat her like shit. and then treats herself the way she has learned to be treated ... sound familiar? 

it is easier to think that we deserve mistreatment than it is to stand up for ourselves. it is easier to believe that we are unworthy than it is to give ourselves what we need. 

i am dealing with my self-hatred by blogging. i am dealing with my feelings of inadequacy by making myself believe that i have something to say that is worth sharing; by making myself believe that people actually are interested in what i have to say. 

blogging is my meraki. i want to encourage you, my faithful readers, to find your meraki. find something that you put your soul, your love, and your essence into. 


and as always ... be kind to yourself

xoxo

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