Beads

nosy nora suggested creating a ritual to acknowledge the weight that i have lost (33 lbs). i thought and thought and thought and couldn't think of anything. 

i wanted to include all the changes that i have made, not just weight loss. so i talked about it with radical t. she suggested that at sick kids hospital, the kids get beads for things like each time they have chemo. and that i could create a string of beads for my accomplishments and for things that i have overcome. 

so i went out and bought some beads and string and brought them with me when i went to see nosy nora. together we went through the list of changes, accomplishments, and things that i have overcome. and we created the string of beads in the photo above. 

here are some of the meanings behind the beads:

1-6. a bead for losing 33 lbs (one bead for each 5 lbs)

7. a bead for learning how not to binge

8. a bead for no longer purging

9. a bead for facing my addiction to nortriptyline

10. a bead for no longer abusing sedatives

11. a bead for writing a letter to some people who hurt me when i was younger, and talking it out with one of them

12. a bead for eating what i want

13. a bead for eating in front of other people

14. a bead for not sleeping my life away (not napping every day or going to bed at 8pm)

15. a bead for blogging about my experience

i decided that i want to have the beads with me all the time, so i turned them into a bracelet. when i have more beads to add, i can always restring the beads. 

it's amazing to see visually how much i have accomplished/overcome in the last few years. much of which was in the last year alone. there's a sense of pride, of gratification, and of satisfaction in seeing visually how i have changed. (thank you for your part in that nosy nora)

what will you do to recognize your accomplishments? how will you toot your own horn? 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

grumblins

“There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.” 

― Terry Pratchett

i like to make up words, and to use made up words. for example, "grosh" means grumpy and irritable. "skress" is when you are frustrated and stressed out. "frazzle razzle dazzle" is my way of swearing around little ears. 

and then there is the grumblins. 

grumblins are when you hold on to things from the past that are long past time to let go of. 

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

i am thinking about my grumblins today because a political figure, whom i plan to vote for, was my first bully. i was 5. he was 7. but it's hard to let go of that. 

i still remember the mean things that he did to me when i was 5. i remember the teasing when i was 9. and yet, he is an excellent politician who has made a difference in our community ... but every time i see his face on a poster or a lawn sign, i think about the time he asked me to rate the breasts of all the girls in the school (it was a teeny tiny school). 

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

so what purpose does it serve to hang on so tightly to my grumblins? why do i remember every tiny injustice done to me? like when B&M stole my stickers when i was 8? or when J pinched me under the table with his toes when i was 6? or when A said "you know you have to dance at this rehearsal right?" when i was 14. 

the grumblins often weigh me down. 

so i turn to you ... what's your advice on how to get rid of the grumblins? what's your advice on how to choose what to hold onto and what is a balloon that needs to be let go of?

i eagerly await your responses. and if you are reading this by email, feel free to visit the website and leave your comment there. www.aprilgigiangels.blogspot.com

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

apple cover

last night i crocheted a cover for my apple. 

yes, you read that correctly: a cover for my apple. 

i hate when i carry my apple in my bag and it gets bruised, or punctured. so i made a protective sleeve, a buffer, to protect my apple from the bumps and bruises that happen in a day in my bag. 

we all need a buffer. we all need a layer of protection between us and the bumps and bruises of life. for years, i found ways to protect myself by numbing myself from feelings and by keeping things inside. 

CP said that a protective layer is harmful. she said: "i have a little infant who is growing into a toddler. there is no protection from bumps and bruises. they just happen, have to happen. they let him know what he can do. what he is capable of. they are reminders that we are human, mortal, imperfect."

her friend said: "a layer may protect from the pain, but then we might miss the positive things along the way."

this is not the same as the protective layer that i am talking about. self-medication, numbing, alcohol, drugs .... are ways of being isolated and alone. i am talking about a healthy layer that protects you from the hurts. 

so what are some healthy ways to protect yourself?

nosy nora says, "listen and let go" rather than holding other people's issues. that's hard to do when you are someone who wants so badly to help everyone and make everything okay. but it is important to hold your own stuff, to listen to others, and let their stuff go. 

this layer is called a boundary. 

healthy boundaries come from a place of love; love for yourself and love for others. 

state your limits. say what they are. and stick to them. saying "no" can be such a difficult thing to do. but it's okay to say no. it's also okay not to answer. my mom taught me that just because someone is knocking at the front door, doesn't mean you have to answer it - even if they can see you through the window. don't go into a long explanation. don't apologize. state your boundary clearly, respectfully, calmly, and firmly. 

listen to your cues. pay attention when you are feeling discomfort, or resentment. and then revisit your boundaries. are you feeling taken advantage of? are you pushing yourself too hard because you feel guilty? are you doing more than you are able?

give yourself permission to have a layer of protection that prevents you from being in an unhealthy relationship. give yourself permission to respect yourself and your limits. give yourself permission to do what YOU need to do. 

you are NOT responsible for other people's feelings. you are responsible for your own feelings. if you can't attend a meeting, or go to a movie with a friend, or be in charge of the bake sale, you do not need to worry about how other people will feel about you saying no. 

if you set a boundary with a friend, and their feelings get hurt (and you were respectful and kind), then that person is not a good friend. good friends respect each other's boundaries and limits. 

self-care needs to be a priority. this comes from the belief that you are important and worth it. it might be taking time off, taking time out, or taking the time to be in. meditation, a sick day, or a vacation are all forms of self-care. having a cup of tea, sitting in a cafe, writing, reading, playing music, listening to music, watching your favourite tv show, baking, painting, getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water ... these are all things that you can do for yourself to take care of YOU. 

be aware that boundaries will be tested. the protective layer around my apple will be stretched, just as your layer will be stretched. people who are used to taking advantage of you, or abusing you, will not be used to the boundaries. and these people will test you to see if they can get past that protective layer. 

i carried my apple in it's little crocheted apple holder today. and it came out whole and unbruised. 

bruises and bumps are part of life. they teach us our limits. and at the same time, we can protect ourselves by being patient with ourselves and allowing ourselves to set boundaries. 

how do you protect yourself? how do you communicate your limits and your boundaries? 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

hunger

i am hungry all the time. 

i hunger for love, for affection, for validation, for acceptance, for art, for beauty, for inspiration ... i have an insatiable hunger for joy. 

“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are still alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.” 

― George Eliot

the hunger for what is beautiful and good rumbles in my heart. my need feels so huge that it may consume me, if i don't consume what i hunger for. 

“Hunger of choice is a painful luxury; hunger of necessity is terrifying torture.” ― Mike Mullin

being hungry often leads us to fill that void with an attainable source. we replaced our hunger for love and affection with a hunger for food. because food can be found and consumed. food can be used as an attempt to fill those empty spaces where beauty and worthiness are missing.

We hunger for something more, something other.” ― Ann Voskamp

we are often on the lookout for something else. constantly seeking what we don't have. amassing wealth, power, possessions, in an attempt to fill that empty aching space inside of us that is a hunger for more. the feelings of not enoughness drive us to seek out more and more items, instead of looking for what will actually fulfill us which may be as simple as music, hugs, laughter, and good friends. 

“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty. 
” ― Jarod Kintz

what is your truth? and how can it feed your hunger? hunger is like an ache that can only be satiated by filling yourself with what is missing. food hunger happens because our bodies need fuel. food is fuel. and when we fuel our bodies, we are able to function through our day. but what about that other hunger? the hunger for affection, for love, for validation, for acceptance ... what about the hunger that we don't know how to fill?

 "Guilt is fueled by obligation hunger is fueled by desire.”― Tyler Edwards

if hunger is fueled by desire, then filling yourself with what you desire is the solution to the emptiness. seeking out what we need. asking for what we need and deserve. demanding respect. seeking out relationships that satiate our hunger for acceptance, love, belonging, and affection. fill yourself with the goodness of the people around you. find a way to fill yourself with beauty through art, music, dance, theatre - as a spectator or a participant. 

“Someday we shall look back on this dark era of agriculture and shake our heads. How could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poisons?” ― Jane Goodall

"how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poison?" ... how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our souls with poison? to grow requires love, affection, devotion, praise, belonging, worth, and enoughness. 

you are enoughness. you are worthy, and deserving, and the hunger you feel for whatever it is that you need ... that hunger can be filled by seeking it out and demanding it. there is nothing wrong with asking for a hug from someone who will genuinely hug you back. there is nothing wrong with telling a friend that you need to know you are loved. we hunger for more than food, water, and shelter. we hunger to feel like we matter. 

if you are reading this, you matter to me. 

you matter.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

what's best

today i am celebrating that my blog has had more than 10,000 views - and that doesn't include any of the people who get the posts emailed to them. 

10,000 views of things that i have written. little, insignificant me. people from all over the world are visiting my blog. 

it is mind-boggling, overwhelming, and humbling. 

to celebrate this milestone, i am writing about doing what is best for myself. 

it's not easy to do what is best for myself. taking time off work was the most difficult decision i have ever had to make. there has been so much guilt associated with the decision. and it has been the best thing that i ever did for myself. self-care is not valued in our society. self-care is viewed as selfish. i was taught to take care of everyone, to take care of the needs of others, to give and give and give, and not to take. the idea of taking time for myself is so foreign that it feels kind of crazy. 

part of the anxiety about taking time for myself comes from wanting to be "better" ... wanting to fast forward to the place and time where i feel strong, and healthy, and happy. 

i asked nosy nora if she could wave a magic wand to make me all "better" ...

it is going to take time, unfortunately, for me to get to the place that i want to get to. i am moving forward on my journey. i am much further along than i was a year ago. i am much further along that i was a few months ago. but the only thing that is going to get me to where i want to be is ME. 

i have also wished for a fast forward button. this kind of work is HARD. and whenever i wish to skip ahead, i am reminded of the lyrics to my favourite song:

"sometimes we ask to take a closer look, skip to the final chapter of the book, and then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took, to get us where we are this far. but the question drowns in its futility, and even i have got to laugh at me. no one gets to miss the storm of what will be, just holding on for the ride." - emily saliers

here i am, in what i think is the eye of the storm. things have been quiet and calm lately, but i know that there will be stormy weather before i come out the other side. 

this blog has been a life-saver for me. it keeps me grounded. it keeps me afloat. it keeps me focused on what i need to do to get better. 

i appreciate all my readers. i appreciate the feedback and support that i receive. 

my best advice is to take time for yourself, even if it is 5 minutes a day. give yourself what you deserve, which is time and self-focused energy. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

activism and social justice ...

social justice has always been a part of my life ... a part of me. 

it started when i was 9 and i was boycotting products from south africa in protest of apartheid. i was 9, and writing letters to the government asking for tighter restrictions on factories that were polluting the environment. 

at 10, i was writing letters to Nelson Mandela while he was in prison. i was so angry at his imprisonment. 

at 12,  i wore a red armband to show my support of the first nations protest at oka. i wrote letters to the federal and provincial government demanding an end to the standoff. 

by 17 i was speaking at 'take back the night' rallies in toronto, participating in a young feminist activist group, and continuing to write letters to government, to organizations, and individuals. 

by 20, i had started a sit-in that lasted 6 days and 6 nights. i was marching in protest of all sorts of injustices. and still writing letters. 

by 24 i had completed a masters degree in women's studies, and by 26 i had completed my teaching degree and was planning to be an out lesbian teacher ...

... then i got into a school and discovered that activism can come in many forms. and the idea of being an out lesbian teacher was scary. and felt unsafe. and as much as i was angry with myself for taking a step back into the closet, and as much as i toy with the idea of coming out to my students ... there are many other ways to be an activist. 

merriam webster dictionary defines an activist as "a person who uses or supports strong actions (such as public protests) to help make changes in politics or society." notice the word SUPPORTS. an activist doesn't have to be the one doing the marching. an activist can be a person who supports actions that help make changes. 

... i teach my students social justice topics. we study historical atrocities and current ones as well. we talk about human rights. i teach them to be accepting of differences. and although i am no longer marching in protests, speaking at rallies, or participating in sit-ins ... my activism is to teach my students to be global citizens who are passionate about social justice. 

being an activist doesn't have to mean being loud. it doesn't have to mean being out there and marching. it can be through small things like teaching a group of children to be kind, to care about social justice, and to want to change the world. 

as always, 

be kind to yourself (and everyone else)

xoxo

...

balance and self-care

www.achieveinafrica.org

when i was a child, i had penpals all over the world. my favourite activity was to write a letter, on real paper, put it in an international mail envelope, put a stamp on it, and then drop it into the red mailbox. then i would wait about a month until i received a reply. my best pen pal lived in zimbabwe and sent me all sorts of letters and presents. i still have a necklace that she sent me 25 years ago. 

as an adult, in our constantly advancing technological world, i now have a digital pen pal: WTR

howtothisandthat.com 

WTR and i met randomly on a scrabble app about 4 years ago. and after a year of playing each other and chatting, decided to become facebook friends. and now she is my pen pal, only we chat in real time. funny how the world and the ways we make connections has changed so much in 20 years. 

today when i was chatting with WTR about my guilt over having been off work, she said:

"As women, we're programmed to think we can and should do it all. it's hard to accept that we can't and shouldn't try."

she is so right. 

from birth, we are conditioned to think that we can do it all. and when we can't do it all, we feel bad about ourselves. and we judge other women who don't seem to be doing it all. we judge women who give themselves permission to take time for themselves. we judge women who choose to stay home with their kids and we judge women who leave their kids and go to work. 

vicky-lifeonthehill.blogspot.com

we feel guilty and ashamed of being unable to balance work, family, home, friends, and a social life. cooking, cleaning, working, being a loving and attentive wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, an employee with responsibilities ... it's hard work. and no one can do it all without giving up themselves and their own needs. 

i decided to ask CP how she manages. she said:

"mostly i just make it all happen. and it feels like no one really notices,, except for other mamas. i tend to have a deep connection with those women. so, i make it work until i can't. and when i can't, i let it wash over me ... the way i do when i sit in a river with moving water. i cling to rocks and let the cool waters swim past me. and hopefully, when i come up for air, pieces of me haven't washed away ... no matter what, a new version of me will eventually be molded, eroded, and sculpted. and most of the time i am tickled and delighted to be in it. but it's fucking hard." 

how do we balance our lives so that we can give to others and to ourselves? how do we give to ourselves? 

kirstentulsian.com 

i think the balance comes in finding something for yourself. maybe it's coffee with a friend once a week, a yoga class, a favourite tv show, meditation, going for a walk, going to the gym, or even blogging. this blog is where i put my energy for myself. and writing posts for this blog is how i take time for myself.

i asked CP, what about time for yourself? her response was "hahahahahaha, i have to work up the courage to ask for it. and not feel guilty. or shitty."

so i asked Kate the same question. she replied: 

"i am an extremely high energy person. i value my time and my life. i love my job but it will never take precedence over my kids. i love my girls but work made me a better mom. working out gives me joy, a social life, and keeps me fit and sane."

so how do we give ourselves permission to do the things that nourish our soul? how do we make ourselves believe and accept that we are worthy and deserving of time for ourselves? 

Geneen Roth wrote:

finding the things that are worth doing is the secret to happiness. i totally just made that up. but i think that it might be true. "celebrate every one of your hungers" whether it be hunger for food, or hunger for writing, or hunger for running, or dancing, or reading, or walking, or talking to a friend, or volunteering ... "if it doesn't bring you pleasure, it's not worth doing" doesn't mean don't do the laundry. the laundry needs to get done. so do the dishes, and the cooking, and the cleaning, and paying the bills, and doing the grocery shopping ... what it does mean is, if working out at the gym doesn't bring you pleasure, then that isn't the right exercise for you; find a dance class, or go for a walk, or swim, or ride your bike. find the thing that brings you pleasure. 

in the meanwhile, as always, 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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