the eating disorder shame cycle

i am going to tell you a story.  as i write this, my personal shame gremlins (credit brene brown) are yelling at me that this is a bad idea, that i will be judged, that it's private and not for sharing, that no one wants to hear about my inner struggle with shame and food, that NO ONE will be able to relate to my story ... a story that is hard for me to share. but important for me to share.

it starts out as a regular morning. i get out of bed feeling good. feeling like today is the day that i am going to be good. today is the day that i am going to eat well, and exercise, and be a good girl. 

breakfast goes off without a hitch. feeling good. i even walk the dog. all is going well. 

then i remember the paperwork that was due that day and know that i will be stuck at work after hours finishing it. so i decide that "deserve" a starbucks. i stop on the way to work and get my non-fat skinny latte. i look at the pastries and remember that i have been "good" this week so i don't get one. as i drive to work, i think about those pastries and how good they would taste. 

i go to work and half way through the morning i start to get hungry. i have brought yogurt and an apple, but there are doughnuts in the staff room and i have been so good all week and all can think about are those pastries that i didn't have ... but i resist. see how good i am? see what a good girl i am? i can follow the rules. i can be good. 

after a healthy lunch beside my colleagues who are eating pizza, fries, and cake (which i turned down), i go back to work. and after work, as i am driving home, i pass a tim hortons and decide that i deserve a doughnut after being so good all day. so i go through the drive-thru and get one ... except i actually get two. and i eat them in the car, rapidly, without actually tasting them. if i did sit and eat a doughnut paying attention to the taste, i would remember that i don't actually like them because they are too sweet. but i eat them while driving, so that they remain secret. as if the car blocks out the world and no one can see me scarfing down 2 doughnuts in rapid succession. 

when i get home, as i am making dinner, i snack on some chips and a handful (or 2) of chocolate mini eggs. i then eat dinner, and after dinner i keep eating. i eat mindlessly while i watch tv. i eat non-stop until i feel sick. 

then i feel shame. 

true deep self-loathing shame. 

which makes me eat more. eat past the sick. until i throw up. 

which makes me feel a deeper shame. 

so i go to sleep, resolving to have a better day. and when i wake up, i am convinced that today is the day that i am going to be good. in fact, i am going to be so good that i am not going to eat at all. i am going to be soooooo good. 

so, i skip breakfast and go to work. i allow myself to have tea ... 3 cups of tea ... and i skip lunch ... and i skip dinner ... and i drink lots of water to fill the rumbling emptiness in my stomach. and i feel strong. i feel like i can conquer the world. until the next day, when i wake up hungry and allow myself a slice of toast ... followed by more tea and water to fill my belly, no lunch, and a bit of food at dinner. this can go on for days until i am literally STARVING and i give in to my hunger and eat and eat and eat ... which leads to what? shame shame shame. and shame leads to more eating. which leads to throwing up. which leads to more shame. which leads to deprivation, which leads to a binge and back into shame. 

this, my friends, is my eating disorder shame cycle. and when i figure out how to break the cycle, i will let you know. i was told that if i eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, on a schedule that after 3 months it will become normal and my body will relax into knowing that it will have food every 3-4 hours. that sounds scary and sounds like a lot of eating and a lot of planning and a lot food. 3 months also sounds like a really long time. 

let me know about your shame cycles, and ways to breakthrough. 

and remember deprivation leads to binge eating, and diets are made to fail. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

the i-hate-this-fracking-cold-and-snow winter blues

the winter blues ... the blahs ... the post-holiday disappointment ... SAD ... depression ... whatever you want to call it, this seemingly endless canadian winter just plan sucks. 

today, as the snow continues to pile up outside my window, and i am home from work yet again under my blue blanket, i am thinking about how the long, cold, dark days affect us. okay, so the idea actually came from Zed. but i liked the idea. 

whether we suffer from depression, or SAD, or we are just sick and tired of the cold and the dark, winter gets old rather quickly. having to put on so many layers, and boots, and then having to shovel the snow just to get to the car. then you have to clean off the car and possibly shovel your way out of your parking spot. only to get to where you have to be and trudge through the snow to get inside ... and then do it all in reverse to go home again. waking up in the dark to go to work. getting home from work in the dark. how can that NOT feel depressing!?!?!?!???

my solution has been to curl up on the couch by my fireplace, to do a whole lot of reading, and sleeping. it's like i am hibernating and just waiting for winter to be over. i am also enjoying a lot of tea, and today i have added chocolate chip cookies. 

however, my solution will not actually HELP you to overcome or get through this long cold winter. here are some actual ideas:

1. find a tea you love and drink it to cheer yourself up. experiment with different types of tea. i am not a fan of herbal teas, but there are endless varieties and you might find one you absolutely LOVE. there is also an endless supply of black teas and white teas and green teas. i am a fan of david's tea, and they are good about letting you try samples. 

2. make yourself get some exercise. even if you think you are going to hate it. even if you think it's only going to make things worse. you don't have to join a gym. you don't have to take up bob-sledding, or cross country skiing. you don't even have to go skating. you could simply go for a walk. make it a good walk. start by walking to the store for something that you need. then maybe walk to a coffee shop. perhaps your cocooning on the couch reading could be turned into reading in a coffee shop. 

3. vitamin D, vitamin D, vitamin D!!!!!!! i can't say it enough. VITAMIN DEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! the sun is such an important part of balancing our emotions. so if there is sun, then get outside and soak it in. and since there isn't much sun right now, go and buy a bottle of vitamin D and take it. seriously. it is important. and while you're at it, eat some citrus fruit and maybe take some vitamin C. 

4. there is no reason not to have a dinner party, just because the holidays are over. invite people you like, family or friends, and make your own special occasion. it could be something complicated like a full on turkey dinner, or it could be hot dogs. who cares? it's not about the food, or the decorations, or even the occasion. it is about asking for love, support, and compassion from people who care about you and who make you feel good. for some of us, that IS family. for others, it is absolutely NOT family. create your own special event. maybe you play board games, or drink wine, or just sit and chat. either way, there's no real reason to hibernate for the winter. despite our best efforts, we are not actually bears. 

5. there are people smarter than me who have their own lists and i have included them in links at the end of this post.

6. if you feel like your winter blahs are bigger than you. if you feel like you are alone. don't be alone. talk to someone about these feelings. because it is okay to need help. and a quick visit to your doctor to talk about it, might reveal that you need more than a kitchen dance party, or some vitamin D. 

xoxo

...

Here is some information on Seasonal Affective Disorder:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/category/disorders/seasonal-affective-disorder

http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/mood-disorders/seasonal-affective-disorder/

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047

http://www.mooddisorders.ca/faq/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad

http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/about_camh/newsroom/news_releases_media_advisories_and_backgrounders/current_year/Pages/Seasonal-depression,-winter-blues-and-seasonal-affective-disorder--CAMH-expert-available-for-interview-.aspx



Here are some articles for ways to break the monotony of the blahs:

http://thedevalife.com/beat-the-winter-blahs/\

http://www.canadianliving.com/health/mind_and_spirit/7_creative_ways_to_shake_off_the_winter_blues.php

http://www.wikihow.com/Fight-Winter-Blues

http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/beating-winters-woes

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=341

http://www.psychologies.co.uk/self/10-ways-to-beat-the-winter-blues-2.html