holiday food survival guide

as the holidays approach and parties are thrown, many of us start to worry about all the extra calories we will ingest. 

so i'm here to tell you how to manage your way through holiday foods. 

it all boils down to one word: eat. 

yep, you heard me. eat. once a year, we indulge in our favourite foods. comfort foods, sweet foods, festive foods, traditional foods, yearly foods. for me it's turkey and mashed potatoes and "magic squares" which consist of graham cracker crumbs, coconut, condensed milk, and chocolate chips. 

eat them. 

what the hell is going to happen to you if you eat and enjoy? you might gain a few pounds. it could happen. 

the problem with holiday foods and party foods is that we deny ourselves these foods and then we over do it. the fact is. you can make yourself a turkey whenever you want. you can cook mashed potatoes whenever you want. you don't need to eat the entire pot of mashed potatoes at christmas dinner. there is an abundance of delicious foods in the world and you can make them for yourself whenever you want to. 

so how do you survive the indulgent holiday season? 

you don't survive it. 

you enjoy it. 

you eat. 

eat what you want. eat what tastes good. eat until you feel satisfied and then stop eating. and then eat again when you are hungry again. and enjoy the delicious, the familiar, the comforting, the holiday favourites. 

i know too many people who don't eat at parties. or who stick the the veggie trays. i know too many people who bring diet treats with them to parties and eat their own treats. 

seriously? eat a damn cookie and get over it. you aren't going to gain 20 lbs over a few weeks of parties and special dinners. 

so to sum it up ... over the holidays you can survive the parties and the indulgent foods by eating. 

eat. 

trust me. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

Beads

nosy nora suggested creating a ritual to acknowledge the weight that i have lost (33 lbs). i thought and thought and thought and couldn't think of anything. 

i wanted to include all the changes that i have made, not just weight loss. so i talked about it with radical t. she suggested that at sick kids hospital, the kids get beads for things like each time they have chemo. and that i could create a string of beads for my accomplishments and for things that i have overcome. 

so i went out and bought some beads and string and brought them with me when i went to see nosy nora. together we went through the list of changes, accomplishments, and things that i have overcome. and we created the string of beads in the photo above. 

here are some of the meanings behind the beads:

1-6. a bead for losing 33 lbs (one bead for each 5 lbs)

7. a bead for learning how not to binge

8. a bead for no longer purging

9. a bead for facing my addiction to nortriptyline

10. a bead for no longer abusing sedatives

11. a bead for writing a letter to some people who hurt me when i was younger, and talking it out with one of them

12. a bead for eating what i want

13. a bead for eating in front of other people

14. a bead for not sleeping my life away (not napping every day or going to bed at 8pm)

15. a bead for blogging about my experience

i decided that i want to have the beads with me all the time, so i turned them into a bracelet. when i have more beads to add, i can always restring the beads. 

it's amazing to see visually how much i have accomplished/overcome in the last few years. much of which was in the last year alone. there's a sense of pride, of gratification, and of satisfaction in seeing visually how i have changed. (thank you for your part in that nosy nora)

what will you do to recognize your accomplishments? how will you toot your own horn? 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

eating mindfully

geneen roth has changed my life through her books. i no longer mindlessly eat. i no longer binge. i no longer eat when i am not hungry. these are big changes for me. 

roth has 7 guidelines for eating. 

1. eat when you are hungry

2. eat sitting down in a calm environment. 

3. eat without distractions

4. eat what your body wants

5. eat until you are satisfied

6. eat (with the intention of) being in full view of others

7. eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure

that's it. 7 simple yet challenging guidelines for eating. it's not a diet. it's not a lifestyle change. it's a reframing of your relationship with food. 

the idea of eating what i want when i am hungry in full view of other people was the hardest thing i faced. i'm not supposed to eat chocolate or chips or candy. i'm not supposed to eat in front of people. fat women eating in public experience shame, either internally or by other people's looks or comments. so it was really hard ... is really hard to eat fully in view of others. 

another challenge is eating without distractions which includes tv, reading, music, and driving. we always eat in front of the tv. i find myself sitting alone at the table sometimes. and i'm okay with that now. 

another difficult change was eating until i was satisfied. for a couple of reasons. first of all, when you eat in front of the tv (or with other distractions) you don't recognize the signals that your body sends to tell you to stop eating. so i would finish what was on my plate without really noticing. second, i feel guilty throwing out food, so i would finish what was on my plate. 

i started to watch other people's eating habits and noticed that often people stop eating when they are satisfied and leave food on their plates. 

what?

people don't finish their food all the time. and that's okay. it's okay to throw out what you don't eat. (or put it away as leftovers)

if you have a difficult relationship with food, i suggest you read one or more of geneen roth's books. they really were life changing for me. 

http://geneenroth.com/books/

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

numbing

ways to be numb:

pills
food
alcohol
extreme sports
exercise
sleep
avoiding people and social situations
gambling
smoking
sex
the internet


we numb ourselves to avoid the difficult feelings. the feelings that are overwhelming. 

“I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind.” 
― Jessica Sorensen

the pain of being left behind can be drowning. the pain of friends growing apart. of lovers leaving. of loved ones dying. of friends moving away or moving on. 

“I’ve perfected the art of the fake smile. It’s not so difficult when you are completely numb.” 
― Bethany Griffin

when you numb yourself to the pain so completely, that you feel nothing, you find yourself able to fake your way through your life. a fake smile plastered on your face and the answer, "fine" when asked how you are. when you numb yourself so completely to the pain, you feel nothing, not even the good feelings. 

“I was enveloped in numbness, and absence of feeling so deep the bottom was lost from view.” 
― Haruki Murakami

when you allow the numbness to take over, you can no longer see how far there is to fall. the bottom has fallen out from under you and you feel nothing. numbing yourself prevents you from being able to see the world realistically. you see only what you want to see. 

“Once I was free; there was no cage that could bind me, and I had yet to create my box of numbness within my mind to be my silent protector.” 
― J.D. Stroube

numbness is used for protection. to protect your mind from reliving pain, from experiencing sadness, from thinking about loss. but the numbness, whether through food or drugs or alcohol or gambling or sleep ... the numbness prevents you from feeling the good things in life. prevents you from seeing the beauty in a sunflower, the wonder in a baby's smile, the amazement of a sunset, the warmth of a hug. 

numbing is a form of addiction. or what i like to call CRBDAC (Continued repetition of Behaviours Despite Adverse Consequences - Nosy Nora).

Addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease affecting the brain’s reward, motivation, and related systems. People struggling with addiction are unable to control their actions or make rational decisions about their behaviour, even in the face of negative consequences.
http://www.albertafamilywellness.org/brain-development-addiction/different-kinds-addiction

finding a way to work through the numbness, to allow in the feelings, means overcoming addiction and you may need to seek support to do this effectively. 

being numb may feel good in the moment, in the short-term. but over time numbness takes over and becomes a natural way of being. but the truth is, there is nothing natural about being numb to the wonderous world in which we live. 

finding ways to numb yourself becomes habitual and can feel good. interesting ... the lack of feeling can feel good. but it is not a real feeling of goodness. it is false. 

if you are finding that you are numbing ... please seek support. feel free to email me and i will try to help you find support in your area. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

keeping myself small

"why do we feel that we have to have small bodies to have big lives? what feels good about feeling bad? and where do we turn for nourishment when it's not in the places we thought it would be?" - Geneen Roth

i have kept myself small for many years. large in physique and small in my life. i have diminished my accomplishments so as not to make other people feel bad. i worry about how my accomplishments will make other people feel, so i diminish my achievements thinking that will make other people feel good. 

my parents had their problems; both in their relationship and in their own lives. and i learned that by being small, i could blend into the background. i didn't share my report cards. i didn't share my writing. i kept it all to myself. keeping my life small and meaningless. keeping myself from being the centre of attention. 

"we believe we are not enough, we also believe that if we had more or were different, we would feel nourished." - Geneen Roth

i have spent my small life believing that i am not enough, that i don't do enough, that i don't have enough. believing that if only i were thin, if only i were smart, if only i were ______ i would feel nourished and fulfilled. not knowing that what i need to be nourished has been right here inside of me all along. 

for years i turned to my addictions: food and pills. using both to try to fill the empty spaces inside of me. 

"what did i want that i could never have, which made me feel like an endless pit of need?" - Geneen Roth

what did i want? i wanted to fit in with the other kids. i wanted to feel part of a group. i wanted to feel belonging and connection. instead, i felt like "an endless pit of need." and i tried to fill that pit with food. 

but you cannot fill an endless pit. 

"when you hide [eating] you give yourself the message that who you are is not acceptable, and that you must pretend to be someone else to be loved." - Geneen Roth

i spend way too much of my life hiding my eating. i would sneak to the store, buy a chocolate bar, and eat it as fast as i could. when i was 9. 

and i continued to hide my eating well into my 30s. in public, eating "healthy" foods, in private consuming vast quantities of "unhealthy" foods. making myself bigger to keep my life small. 

"when you sneak food, you perpetuate the belief that you are too ugly, too needy, too intense to be seen and loved for who you are. the same is true when you sneak feelings." - Geneen Roth

sneaking food and sneaking feelings are one and the same in my life. afraid to tell people how i feel. afraid to show people what i eat. afraid to live a big and full life. afraid to show people who i really am. 

"there is no such thing as enough because we believe that our very being is not enough. [...] to have enough, we have to believe that we are enough." - Geneen Roth

believing that i am enough is the most difficult affirmation i have ever tried to tell myself. that and a line from an article by nosy nora, "i love and accept myself deeply and completely." ... i have that as the screen saver on my phone and though i see it a zillion times a day, i find it hard to believe. hard to accept as my truth. believing that i am enough means loving myself deeply and completely. believing that i am enough means accepting myself for who i am. believing that i am enough means sharing my feelings, sharing my eating, and letting people know me for who i really am. 

"wanting things that could easily be given, be gotten, rather than wanting what i knew i couldn't have from either of my parents: being seen, being met. being valued for the fullness i already embodied." - Geneen Roth

it was much easier ... is much easier ... to want to be thin, to want new shoes, to want the newest indigo girls album ... than it is to demand to be valued, to be seen, to be heard. it became easier to keep my life small than to accept that i wasn't being seen or heard. it became easier to make my body bigger, to protect myself. 

at 13, i became noticed for my body. and that noticing led to events that i would rather forget. some that i have forgotten. and at 13, i began to make myself small, to blend into the background, to not be noticed. at 13, i learned that to lead a small life meant to have a large body. 

this is all subconscious of course. i never set out to be fat. but i have kept myself fat for many years. keeping myself big as a way to protect myself from living a full life. 

i leave you with this thought ...

"the world will not fall apart if we let ourselves express our vastness. it is more likely the world will stop falling apart when we do." - Geneen Roth

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

eating mindfully

so ... many of you know that geneen roth is my guru. but you might not know why. i have been trying to follow her eating guidelines for almost a year now, but over the last month i have been following them more carefully and i have noticed a real difference. here guidelines are: 

• Eat when you are hungry.
• Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
• Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
• Eat what your body wants.
• Eat until you are satisfied.
• Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
• Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Eating-Guidelines-Women-Food-and-God

these are not easy things to do, as simple as they seem. but wow they make a difference in the way my body feels, and in my relationship to food. i have barely eaten any chocolate in a couple of months. and i LOVE chocolate. i was addicted to chocolate. i needed it every day. but when i slowed down, ate chocolate without distractions, and listened to what my body wanted, i discovered that i don't actually like the chocolate that i have been eating. so i don't crave it. and not craving it means not eating it. the same is true with chips. 

now, if i WANT chips, i eat them. but only if i feel hungry. and most of the time, after dinner i am not hungry. 

the other thing that i am doing is making sure that i am eating regularly throughout the day. eating what i want, trying to enjoy it, and stopping when i am satisfied (not full). 

these are things that might sound normal to some of you. but my relationship with food has never been healthy. which has made me unhealthy. 

by eating regularly, following geneen roth's guidelines, and allowing myself to enjoy eating, my relationship with food is changing. 

the fact is, diets don't work for me. for every diet there is an equal binge. by restricting, i end up desiring. craving. bingeing. 

diets work for me in the short term. i lose weight. but then i can't keep it off. because of my unhealthy relationship with food. so i yo yo. 

i am a textbook. 

at the beginning of july, i was the heaviest that i have ever been. which was 3 lbs heavier than i was the first time i did weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. i was miserable looking at the scale. i was miserable trying on clothes. 

over the last month, by eating regularly, eating whatever i want, listening to my body, and not restricting, i have actually lost 15 lbs. by NOT dieting. 

we shall see if this trend continues. but it is pretty amazing to me that eating makes me lose weight, and restricting makes me gain weight. it seems counter intuitive. 

i would love to lie and say that it doesn't matter whether or not i lose weight. but this body feels so full and heavy and it's hard to get up the energy to do physical activity. so i DO want to lose weight.  

i encourage you to try the eating guidelines and allow yourself to have a healthy relationship with food. and if you already have a healthy relationship with food, i feel happy for you and hope that i can one day feel as you do. in the meanwhile, i will struggle to learn not to hate eating, not to restrict my food, and not to hate food. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

the rules

having an eating disorder involves having rules around food and eating. often the rules are complex and to the outside world ridiculous or nonsensical. 

****NOTE: the rules only apply to me. I don't pay attention to what other people eat or how other people eat. 

here are my rules:

1. never eat crunchy food in front of other people. it makes too much noise and draws attention to the fact that i am eating. 

2. never eat messy food in front of other people. messy food is anything that gets on your hands, teeth, or lips. no powdered sugar, no jam, no creamy sauces, nothing sticky, nothing that could get on your hands. 

3. chicken wings are a non-negotiable item. they must never be eaten. meat on a bone is a mostly never item. but chicken wings, especially with sauce, are never ever ever ever allowed. 

4. salad must be consumed without dressing. dressing is a sauce. sauce is messy. messy means drawing attention to my eating. 

5. fruit and vegetables are acceptable items to eat in public. it's better if they are cut into smaller pieces rather than just eating them whole. but whole is acceptable in certain circumstances or when cutting them is not an option. 

6. doughnuts ... doughnuts are a no-no in public. however, if the rule is broken and i am to eat one, there are certain rules applied to said doughnut. first, it must be fairly plain. no powder, no filling. second, if it has icing on top, then i must tear a small piece off the bottom and put it on top of the icing and then tear that piece off making a little sandwich. i can then eat that bite-sized piece. third, all donuts and other pastries must be plain and eaten in bite-sized pieces. 

7. sandwiches are to be eaten by tearing off small pieces, like the above description of the doughnut. biting into a sandwich is entirely unacceptable. 

8. soup? don't even think about it. i might slurp, thus drawing attention to my eating. or it could drip on my chin. no way i am taking that kind of a chance in public. 

9. there are sometimes exceptions to these rules when faced with public settings. however, it is completely uncomfortable to be in these settings and i am aware of every bite. 

10. nothing brown because it can get on my teeth and people will see it and then they will know i was eating. attention drawn = bad.

11. if given a choice, i would always eat alone in private. but eating is such a social experience that i force myself to eat with other people despite my discomfort. 

and now you know how completely insane i am. welcome to my world of food and eating rules. 

do you have rules? what are they?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

hunger

i am hungry all the time. 

i hunger for love, for affection, for validation, for acceptance, for art, for beauty, for inspiration ... i have an insatiable hunger for joy. 

“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are still alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.” 

― George Eliot

the hunger for what is beautiful and good rumbles in my heart. my need feels so huge that it may consume me, if i don't consume what i hunger for. 

“Hunger of choice is a painful luxury; hunger of necessity is terrifying torture.” ― Mike Mullin

being hungry often leads us to fill that void with an attainable source. we replaced our hunger for love and affection with a hunger for food. because food can be found and consumed. food can be used as an attempt to fill those empty spaces where beauty and worthiness are missing.

We hunger for something more, something other.” ― Ann Voskamp

we are often on the lookout for something else. constantly seeking what we don't have. amassing wealth, power, possessions, in an attempt to fill that empty aching space inside of us that is a hunger for more. the feelings of not enoughness drive us to seek out more and more items, instead of looking for what will actually fulfill us which may be as simple as music, hugs, laughter, and good friends. 

“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty. 
” ― Jarod Kintz

what is your truth? and how can it feed your hunger? hunger is like an ache that can only be satiated by filling yourself with what is missing. food hunger happens because our bodies need fuel. food is fuel. and when we fuel our bodies, we are able to function through our day. but what about that other hunger? the hunger for affection, for love, for validation, for acceptance ... what about the hunger that we don't know how to fill?

 "Guilt is fueled by obligation hunger is fueled by desire.”― Tyler Edwards

if hunger is fueled by desire, then filling yourself with what you desire is the solution to the emptiness. seeking out what we need. asking for what we need and deserve. demanding respect. seeking out relationships that satiate our hunger for acceptance, love, belonging, and affection. fill yourself with the goodness of the people around you. find a way to fill yourself with beauty through art, music, dance, theatre - as a spectator or a participant. 

“Someday we shall look back on this dark era of agriculture and shake our heads. How could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poisons?” ― Jane Goodall

"how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poison?" ... how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our souls with poison? to grow requires love, affection, devotion, praise, belonging, worth, and enoughness. 

you are enoughness. you are worthy, and deserving, and the hunger you feel for whatever it is that you need ... that hunger can be filled by seeking it out and demanding it. there is nothing wrong with asking for a hug from someone who will genuinely hug you back. there is nothing wrong with telling a friend that you need to know you are loved. we hunger for more than food, water, and shelter. we hunger to feel like we matter. 

if you are reading this, you matter to me. 

you matter.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

enoughness

"Most of us spend our lives protecting ourselves from losses that have already happened." 

— Geneen Roth

i have enough, but i am always looking for more. 

i do enough, but i am always thinking that i need to do more. 

i am enough, but i am always looking to be more. 

what is enoughness? well first, it's a word that i made up. and second, enoughness is living your life in the moment. it is living as if what you have, what you do, and what you are, are tantamount to enough. 

enoughness is accepting that this moment is the most important moment because it is now. enoughness means not waiting for the right time that will never come. 

i want to write about enoughness in relation to food and eating.


my parents grew up with very little. they didn't have enough; not enough food, not enough attention, not enough love. and so they passed on the legacy of not enough to me, even though in reality i have everything i need. 

i was given everything i could ever need or want. and i never asked for anything. i didn't need to. there was an abundance of food. it was readily available. i helped with the grocery shopping and got to choose what i wanted to eat. there was always enough. 

and yet, it never felt like enough. the not-enough legacy was passed on so that i felt the need to sneak food. to hide food and eat it later. when i tried to go into the kitchen to get food, i was always told "you're not hungry, you're bored." perhaps i was bored and not hungry, but that need wasn't met either. so i stopped looking for food publicly and ate in secret, trying to give myself enough. 

this feeling of looking for what i don't have, of wanting something that may not even exist, this feeling of never having enough is a legacy passed down to me from poverty. but it's more than that. i think that our society is obsessed with the idea of more. and more means never having enough. 

"...compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting -- of leaving ourselves -- hundreds of times a day." 

— Geneen Roth

anorexia of the soul ... starving your soul. not feeding your soul what it needs to thrive. the feeling of not BEING enough makes me eat foods that my body doesn't need, in amounts that my body doesn't need so that i can have a false sense of enoughness. i am feeding my need to fill myself without feeding my heart. enoughness means eating when you are hungry, stopping when you are full, and choosing foods that taste good to you. enoughness means feeding your heart and soul with music, friendship, reading good books, writing, walking, gardening, or whatever makes you feel content and enough. when the focus turns to food, the lack of enoughness causes you to overeat. 

"We keep wanting more because we don't let ourselves have what we already have" — Geneen Roth

let myself have what i already have ... i have been learning a great deal about kindness. i have been allowing myself to experience kindness without bolting, as well as asking for (demanding) kindness. and most importantly, i have been demanding that i treat mySelf with kindness. it is time to let myself have what i already have - to practice letting myself experience the joys in life that are right here and right now. 

"You will never stop wanting more until you allow yourself to have what you already have. To take it in. Savor it. Now is a good time to do that . . ." 

— Geneen Roth

taking the time to eat slowly ... to truly taste the foods you eat ... to feel the textures, to know what you like and what you don't like ... this is about allowing yourself to have what you already have. i bought a bag of chocolate easter eggs. i was excited. i peeled the pink shiny foil off the egg and smelled the chocolate. i popped it into my mouth and let the chocolate begin to dissolve. then i bit into the chocolate egg and began to chew ... at which point i discovered that i don't actually like chocolate easter eggs. they are waxy and way too sweet. normally i just pop them in my mouth, chew and swallow, and move onto the next one. enoughness means tasting what you eat and choosing to eat what tastes good. and it also means not wasting time eating things that you discover you don't even like. 

when it comes to the enoughness of life, i am working on allowing myself to be treated well. to savor feeling loved. to take in feeling cared about, cherished, treasured. allowing myself to have what is here. and rejecting what doesn't feel good. 

merriam webster defines "enough" as "occuring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations." the scope of your life, right now, as you are, is enough because it is what you are. 

some of you reading this are thinking that this doesn't apply to you because you don't have a job, or you hate your job, or you have an illness, or you are fighting cancer, or your marriage is ending, or you are thinking about moving, or or or ... but i promise you that you are enough, as you are. enoughness means looking past the events and looking into your heart. enoughness is practicing gratitude for the things that make you smile. 

right now, in this moment, i am in enoughness because i am writing and drinking a chai tea latte. i am savoring each word i write, and each sip of hot creamy spicy goodness. 

enoughness isn't about what you have. enoughness is about living each moment with gusto. 

i leave you with this thought: 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

feeding me with feedback

there is nothing greater than getting feedback on my blog. i wanted to share this email that i received from E, about the post from yesterday, "unleashing my hunger" (click here to read the original post). 

So here is our guest blogger of the day, E:

What is forbidden is desired.  Which is why my own kids eat when they want and what they want.  

Of course we do have dinner as a family but depending on their snacking throughout the day they may eat more or less at the table with us and it was and still is never a problem.  

My Mom did the same thing as yours about food with us, especially junk food.  Which is why I have a huge junk food drawer at my house with a basket filled with chocolate and candy on the coffee table and every now and again I have to dump it in the trash because no one really seems to care about it.  As you say, it is there and not restricted and anyone that comes over always comments on how “good” my kids have it with the abundance and accessability of treats.

My Mom used to discipline us to eat our dinner.  The more she forced us to eat everything that was on our plates, the less hungry I became.  Dinner was a dreadful event. My mom was one of 7 kids in a very poor home and so she just couldn’t understand how we did not want food when she would have killed for it growing up.  

By the time she had my younger brother and sister, she didn’t care anymore and pretty much changed her whole attitude about eating and the rules around it.  She cleaned homes for a living and often commented on how the families she worked for did things very differently and then she would try to do the same at home.

As far as the rule on love goes, the Biblical command to “love your neighbour as yourself” can only work if you truly do love yourself and treat yourself kindly.  Otherwise if you don’t love yourself and treat others as yourself, then wouldn’t that mean you are not being truly kind to others?

As you can see, you have struck a cord in me.  I too get angry about the whole food issue when it comes to kids.  When I am hungry I NEED to eat. That is all I can think about at that moment. Therefore, when students are hungry then they should be allowed to eat as well. Especially them, who are growing little bodies.

thank you E, for sharing your story. what is forbidden is desired. love yourself and love others. eat when you are hungry. eat what you feel for. 

treating yourself well so that you can treat others well. that is a good message. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

unleashing my hunger

throughout my childhood, i was told that i wasn't hungry. i would open the fridge and my mother would say, "you're not hungry, you're bored." and then i would be pointed towards the carrots. 

at school, eating was regimented. we could eat when it was snack time, and lunch time, and those were the only times when food was allowed. as a teacher, i fight against this idea of children not know when they are hungry. what if they aren't hungry at lunch time? what if they are hungry at 10:30 am? or at 2:45? 

in my classroom, students are allowed to eat when they are hungry. we do have a healthy-food-only rule. at lunch time they are allowed whatever junk they feel for. but in the classroom, there are no chips, chocolate, cookies, or sugary drinks allowed as a snack. 

i want my students to learn that they are in charge of their bodies and that their bodies know what they need. so if they want to eat chicken noodle soup at 10 am, they are allowed. if they want to eat an apple or yogurt or cheese and crackers at 2:30 pm, they are allowed. i never ever tell them that they aren't hungry. if they say, "i'm hungry" i either direct them to their lunch bag, or to the "hungry basket" i have at the front of the room that is filled with fruit and crackers and bagels and melba toast and bread sticks. there is one child whose mother sends a bag of snacks every month and he keeps them in a drawer. he knows where his snacks are and he can eat them whenever he wants to. 

i can see parents cringing when they read this. a child allowed to eat whenever s/he wants to? they will over-eat and gain weight and be unhealthy and unhappy. 

bullshit. 

i overate as a child when i was denied food. i overate in secret. and what i snuck to eat was unhealthy, full of trans fats, and full of sugar. food became a comfort. it became my secret rebellion against the lack of control i was given around my hunger. and other times, i used my ability to starve myself as a form of control. the summer i was 12, i lived on juice. i was taken to doctors and weighed and measured. i was bribed with food. but i refused to eat for an entire 2 months. 

the child in my classroom who was given free-reign over his food started out eating non-stop all day long. he would forage and stuff his face with the snacks his mother sent for him. but over time, as he learned that the food was there whenever he wanted it, and that his teachers would allow him to eat whenever he wanted ... he slowed down. now, he may go days without accessing his snack drawer. his hunger is real. his hunger is legitimate. and his hunger is his responsibility. so he manages it in a healthy way. because HE is in charge of his body. he listens to his hunger. 

i could learn an awful lot from this little boy. 

i have unleashed my hunger over the last few months. my hunger for food. my hunger for knowledge. my hunger for spiritual fulfillment. my hunger for love. my hunger for peace and stillness in myself. 

unleashing my hunger means trusting myself. and trusting myself is terrifying. i was taught from birth not to trust my instincts. i was taught not to listen to myself. i was taught to eat breakfast before school, even if i wasn't hungry; to eat lunch at 12:00, even if i wasn't hungry; and to wait until dinner at 5:00 before i eat again, even if i was feeling hungry before then. 

i was taught to do what i was told, regardless of what i want. 

i was taught that love meant putting everyone else ahead of me and my needs. 

i am unleashing my hunger on the world. i am taking it all in. sometimes that means i am so overwhelmed that i can't get off the couch. sometimes it means i curl up in my self-imposed cocoon and cry. sometimes it means i eat an entire bowl of cadbury mini-eggs. sometimes it means i listen harder, i speak my truth clearer, and i love more intensely. 

unleash your hunger. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo


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