depression

there are several people in my life struggling with depression right now. aside from myself. the best post that i have read about depression is at http://daisiesandbruises.com/2014/09/27/full-weight-depression/

she wrote that depression feels like one of those vests they put on you when you get an x ray. and she talked about how it weighs you down. and how no one can fight it for you, it is something you have to do yourself no matter how much support you receive. 

it gets harder and harder to pretend to be fine all the time. harder to smile and to laugh. harder to do daily activities. depression saps your energy. there is a theory about spoons ( http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ ) that explains how you start your day with a certain number of spoons and that each task uses up spoons. i often feel like i am out of spoons. nosy nora says you can always find more spoons . i spend my days looking for more spoons or finding ways to complete tasks without any spoons. 

i will keep this post brief in the hopes that you click on the link and read the post i mentioned above. because it explains depression and its effects better than i can. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

blogging

“Blogging is to writing what extreme sports are to athletics: more free-form, more accident-prone, less formal, more alive. It is, in many ways, writing out loud.”- Andrew Sullivan

why do i blog? 

i have found that my writing is often as much for me as it is for the people who read me. 

“Writing is the only way I have to explain my own life to myself.” 
― Pat Conroy

i work out a lot of the things in my head through my writing. it is how i sort out my ideas, thoughts, dreams, frustrations, and inspirations. and by sharing these things in a blog, maybe one person will take something from my sorting and apply it to their own life. i have to believe that someone is getting something from my writing as i am at nearly 14,000 page views. mostly from the USA and russia. 

“My blog is a collection of answers people don’t want to hear to questions they didn’t ask.” 
― Sebastyne Young

i do often wonder if i am babbling. or if people are skimming my writing and moving on to their next thing. my blog is a collection of thoughts on random ideas from my head. 

“She logged in and read a few of her old posts, smiling at the issues she had raged about and shaking her head at how some of the rants now seemed pretentious and judgmental. She had grown so much without even realizing she had. Mythili typed out the draft, spicing it up subtly and after a last read, she published it. Admiring the brand new post on her main page, she realized she missed writing. She had barely written anything since her last by-line. Typing this out, she felt like she was back with a long-lost friend who understood her. It was like snuggling up in a warm blanket when a thunderstorm raged outside.” 
― Shweta Ganesh Kumar

writing has got to be my most favourite thing to do. and sharing my writing makes me feel heard and understood. blogging is a way to share my writing easily. 

“In a sense who you are has always been a story that you told to yourself. Now your self is a story that you tell to others.” 
― Geoff Ryman

telling my story and sharing my SELF with others makes me feel like i matter. little insignificant me in this vast world. 

“Blogging isn’t about publishing as much as you can. It’s about publishing as smart as you can.” 
― Jon Morrow

lately i haven't been blogging daily. and that is because i don't want to write random posts that are meaningless. i wait until i have a topic that i feel passionate about discussing, or when someone gives me an idea, or when i have a burst of inspiration. sometimes it happens daily, and other times there is a space of time in between. 

writing is my passion. what is yours?

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

i am ...

"Remind yourself of all the things you are besides your body. Make a list. Begin it with "I am..." and don't allow any negative judgments about your body to creep in. In case you forget, you are worthwhile, you are caring, you are growing--to name just a few attributes." - Geneen Roth

i have written some difficult posts. posts about addiction, about eating disorders, about death and loss ... but this post, THIS post, is proving to be much more challenging. writing about what i am without allowing any negative judgments is incredibly hard. 

i am ...

i am worthwhile, caring, growing. 

i am a daughter, a partner, a spouse, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, a niece. 

i am a teacher, a student, a learner, a singer, a guitar player, a piano note plunker. 

i am strong, wise, intelligent. 

i am a question asker, a seeker of knowledge, a pursuer of truth. 

i am loyal, kind, caring, helpful, honest, truthful, thoughtful, pensive. 

i am a woman, a lesbian, a dyke, a queer, a feminist, an activist, a writer, a reader, a blogger, a pacifist.

i am drinker of iced tea and hot tea, an eater of apples. 

i am hard and shiny, soft and sparkling, blurred and crisp. i am incongruous, dichotomous, and most importantly, i am here. 

now it's your turn. who are you? what are you? you are ...

be kind to yourself, to all of you,

xoxo

...

grumblins

“There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.” 

― Terry Pratchett

i like to make up words, and to use made up words. for example, "grosh" means grumpy and irritable. "skress" is when you are frustrated and stressed out. "frazzle razzle dazzle" is my way of swearing around little ears. 

and then there is the grumblins. 

grumblins are when you hold on to things from the past that are long past time to let go of. 

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

i am thinking about my grumblins today because a political figure, whom i plan to vote for, was my first bully. i was 5. he was 7. but it's hard to let go of that. 

i still remember the mean things that he did to me when i was 5. i remember the teasing when i was 9. and yet, he is an excellent politician who has made a difference in our community ... but every time i see his face on a poster or a lawn sign, i think about the time he asked me to rate the breasts of all the girls in the school (it was a teeny tiny school). 

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

so what purpose does it serve to hang on so tightly to my grumblins? why do i remember every tiny injustice done to me? like when B&M stole my stickers when i was 8? or when J pinched me under the table with his toes when i was 6? or when A said "you know you have to dance at this rehearsal right?" when i was 14. 

the grumblins often weigh me down. 

so i turn to you ... what's your advice on how to get rid of the grumblins? what's your advice on how to choose what to hold onto and what is a balloon that needs to be let go of?

i eagerly await your responses. and if you are reading this by email, feel free to visit the website and leave your comment there. www.aprilgigiangels.blogspot.com

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

butterfly wings

my blog is doing better than i ever expected. 

Pageviews today

69

Pageviews yesterday

56

Pageviews all time history

11,046

those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people. 

today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me. 

how will i know?  

“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.” 

― Haruki Murakami

in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.

maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature. 

change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...

 in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before  i try to fly.

going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be. 

that was complicated ... 

going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself. 

as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.

sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply. 

i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

what's best

today i am celebrating that my blog has had more than 10,000 views - and that doesn't include any of the people who get the posts emailed to them. 

10,000 views of things that i have written. little, insignificant me. people from all over the world are visiting my blog. 

it is mind-boggling, overwhelming, and humbling. 

to celebrate this milestone, i am writing about doing what is best for myself. 

it's not easy to do what is best for myself. taking time off work was the most difficult decision i have ever had to make. there has been so much guilt associated with the decision. and it has been the best thing that i ever did for myself. self-care is not valued in our society. self-care is viewed as selfish. i was taught to take care of everyone, to take care of the needs of others, to give and give and give, and not to take. the idea of taking time for myself is so foreign that it feels kind of crazy. 

part of the anxiety about taking time for myself comes from wanting to be "better" ... wanting to fast forward to the place and time where i feel strong, and healthy, and happy. 

i asked nosy nora if she could wave a magic wand to make me all "better" ...

it is going to take time, unfortunately, for me to get to the place that i want to get to. i am moving forward on my journey. i am much further along than i was a year ago. i am much further along that i was a few months ago. but the only thing that is going to get me to where i want to be is ME. 

i have also wished for a fast forward button. this kind of work is HARD. and whenever i wish to skip ahead, i am reminded of the lyrics to my favourite song:

"sometimes we ask to take a closer look, skip to the final chapter of the book, and then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took, to get us where we are this far. but the question drowns in its futility, and even i have got to laugh at me. no one gets to miss the storm of what will be, just holding on for the ride." - emily saliers

here i am, in what i think is the eye of the storm. things have been quiet and calm lately, but i know that there will be stormy weather before i come out the other side. 

this blog has been a life-saver for me. it keeps me grounded. it keeps me afloat. it keeps me focused on what i need to do to get better. 

i appreciate all my readers. i appreciate the feedback and support that i receive. 

my best advice is to take time for yourself, even if it is 5 minutes a day. give yourself what you deserve, which is time and self-focused energy. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

the real deal

nosy nora asked me if my positive blog posts were reflective of how i was feeling these days, or if i was projecting into the future of how i want to feel ... 

... i think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. i am a different person than i was a year ago. i feel different than i did a few months ago. and i write my blog in a positive tone because i feel like no one wants to hear about what depression really feels like. 

so ... here i am, writing about where i am at right now. 

i wake up in the morning and i drag myself out of bed. i go to work because i want to have structure and routine in my day. but i am not "into" it. i plan my lessons and i teach my class. and the kids are sweet. today one of them gave me a jar of paper stars that she made for me. 

after 3 hours at work, i am exhausted and i head home. i try to stay awake, but end up napping. then i sit on the couch and try to convince myself that i need to get outside, get some fresh air, and go for a walk. i try to convince myself that i will feel better if i move my body, mostly because nosy nora thinks i will. but i lack the motivation to DO anything. i flip through channels on the tv and never settle on anything. so i end up putting on some music. i try to read a book, but i can't concentrate for more than a few pages at a time. i can't crochet because my hands hurt. i don't like talking on the phone, and even if i did, most people are at work or out doing things besides sitting on the couch. 

i want, more than anything, to go to the gym. and i keep planning to go, and then when the time comes, i have a panic attack and just can't get there. the longer i put it off, the harder it becomes to go. 

eventually i will find something to eat. maybe. and then i flip through the channels again until i end up on music and read a few more pages. 

depression is energy sucking. the only thing that i am interested in doing these days is writing. it is the one thing that helps me to get out of bed in the morning. i love knowing that when i get up, i can write. and knowing that after work i can come home and write. 

writing is my way of coping, of organizing my thoughts and feelings and packaging it all in one place - the page. 

so i hope that you will continue to indulge me as i write each day, sharing my thoughts, ideas, and feelings with the world - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but always speaking my truth.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

scipturient: having a consuming passion to write

"a word after a word after a word is power" - margaret atwood

i am consumed by my passion to write. i am scripturient. 

"there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - maya angelou

i cannot go a day without writing. my dream job would be to be a writer. but then i would miss teaching. so i settle for blogging as a way to feed my passion while still keeping my day job. 

SC wants to be a writer. she is a talented writer. she says reading my blog makes her not want to write herself. but i can't wait to read what she writes. 

sometimes i think that i write too much. sometimes i think that readers must be bored with getting so much of me, and so much of my words. 

"if my doctor told me i had only six minutes to live, i wouldn't brood. i'd type a little faster" - isaac asimov

sometimes i am compelled to write. nothing else will settle me. i need to write. an email, a blog post, an online chat with a friend - there are times when my fingers need to be flying across the keys. 

this is one of those times. 


i have a consuming desire to make words appear in order on the screen. 

"everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise." - silvia plath

there is nothing more satisfying that words on a page. i breathe life into words, into breath, and i live. 

find your consuming passion, 
and be kind to yourself ...

xoxo

...