"Most of us spend our lives protecting ourselves from losses that have already happened."
i have enough, but i am always looking for more.
i do enough, but i am always thinking that i need to do more.
i am enough, but i am always looking to be more.
what is enoughness? well first, it's a word that i made up. and second, enoughness is living your life in the moment. it is living as if what you have, what you do, and what you are, are tantamount to enough.
enoughness is accepting that this moment is the most important moment because it is now. enoughness means not waiting for the right time that will never come.
i want to write about enoughness in relation to food and eating.
my parents grew up with very little. they didn't have enough; not enough food, not enough attention, not enough love. and so they passed on the legacy of not enough to me, even though in reality i have everything i need.
i was given everything i could ever need or want. and i never asked for anything. i didn't need to. there was an abundance of food. it was readily available. i helped with the grocery shopping and got to choose what i wanted to eat. there was always enough.
and yet, it never felt like enough. the not-enough legacy was passed on so that i felt the need to sneak food. to hide food and eat it later. when i tried to go into the kitchen to get food, i was always told "you're not hungry, you're bored." perhaps i was bored and not hungry, but that need wasn't met either. so i stopped looking for food publicly and ate in secret, trying to give myself enough.
this feeling of looking for what i don't have, of wanting something that may not even exist, this feeling of never having enough is a legacy passed down to me from poverty. but it's more than that. i think that our society is obsessed with the idea of more. and more means never having enough.
"...compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting -- of leaving ourselves -- hundreds of times a day."
anorexia of the soul ... starving your soul. not feeding your soul what it needs to thrive. the feeling of not BEING enough makes me eat foods that my body doesn't need, in amounts that my body doesn't need so that i can have a false sense of enoughness. i am feeding my need to fill myself without feeding my heart. enoughness means eating when you are hungry, stopping when you are full, and choosing foods that taste good to you. enoughness means feeding your heart and soul with music, friendship, reading good books, writing, walking, gardening, or whatever makes you feel content and enough. when the focus turns to food, the lack of enoughness causes you to overeat.
"We keep wanting more because we don't let ourselves have what we already have" — Geneen Roth
let myself have what i already have ... i have been learning a great deal about kindness. i have been allowing myself to experience kindness without bolting, as well as asking for (demanding) kindness. and most importantly, i have been demanding that i treat mySelf with kindness. it is time to let myself have what i already have - to practice letting myself experience the joys in life that are right here and right now.
"You will never stop wanting more until you allow yourself to have what you already have. To take it in. Savor it. Now is a good time to do that . . ."
taking the time to eat slowly ... to truly taste the foods you eat ... to feel the textures, to know what you like and what you don't like ... this is about allowing yourself to have what you already have. i bought a bag of chocolate easter eggs. i was excited. i peeled the pink shiny foil off the egg and smelled the chocolate. i popped it into my mouth and let the chocolate begin to dissolve. then i bit into the chocolate egg and began to chew ... at which point i discovered that i don't actually like chocolate easter eggs. they are waxy and way too sweet. normally i just pop them in my mouth, chew and swallow, and move onto the next one. enoughness means tasting what you eat and choosing to eat what tastes good. and it also means not wasting time eating things that you discover you don't even like.
when it comes to the enoughness of life, i am working on allowing myself to be treated well. to savor feeling loved. to take in feeling cared about, cherished, treasured. allowing myself to have what is here. and rejecting what doesn't feel good.
merriam webster defines "enough" as "occuring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations." the scope of your life, right now, as you are, is enough because it is what you are.
some of you reading this are thinking that this doesn't apply to you because you don't have a job, or you hate your job, or you have an illness, or you are fighting cancer, or your marriage is ending, or you are thinking about moving, or or or ... but i promise you that you are enough, as you are. enoughness means looking past the events and looking into your heart. enoughness is practicing gratitude for the things that make you smile.
right now, in this moment, i am in enoughness because i am writing and drinking a chai tea latte. i am savoring each word i write, and each sip of hot creamy spicy goodness.
enoughness isn't about what you have. enoughness is about living each moment with gusto.
i leave you with this thought:
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
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