keeping myself small

"why do we feel that we have to have small bodies to have big lives? what feels good about feeling bad? and where do we turn for nourishment when it's not in the places we thought it would be?" - Geneen Roth

i have kept myself small for many years. large in physique and small in my life. i have diminished my accomplishments so as not to make other people feel bad. i worry about how my accomplishments will make other people feel, so i diminish my achievements thinking that will make other people feel good. 

my parents had their problems; both in their relationship and in their own lives. and i learned that by being small, i could blend into the background. i didn't share my report cards. i didn't share my writing. i kept it all to myself. keeping my life small and meaningless. keeping myself from being the centre of attention. 

"we believe we are not enough, we also believe that if we had more or were different, we would feel nourished." - Geneen Roth

i have spent my small life believing that i am not enough, that i don't do enough, that i don't have enough. believing that if only i were thin, if only i were smart, if only i were ______ i would feel nourished and fulfilled. not knowing that what i need to be nourished has been right here inside of me all along. 

for years i turned to my addictions: food and pills. using both to try to fill the empty spaces inside of me. 

"what did i want that i could never have, which made me feel like an endless pit of need?" - Geneen Roth

what did i want? i wanted to fit in with the other kids. i wanted to feel part of a group. i wanted to feel belonging and connection. instead, i felt like "an endless pit of need." and i tried to fill that pit with food. 

but you cannot fill an endless pit. 

"when you hide [eating] you give yourself the message that who you are is not acceptable, and that you must pretend to be someone else to be loved." - Geneen Roth

i spend way too much of my life hiding my eating. i would sneak to the store, buy a chocolate bar, and eat it as fast as i could. when i was 9. 

and i continued to hide my eating well into my 30s. in public, eating "healthy" foods, in private consuming vast quantities of "unhealthy" foods. making myself bigger to keep my life small. 

"when you sneak food, you perpetuate the belief that you are too ugly, too needy, too intense to be seen and loved for who you are. the same is true when you sneak feelings." - Geneen Roth

sneaking food and sneaking feelings are one and the same in my life. afraid to tell people how i feel. afraid to show people what i eat. afraid to live a big and full life. afraid to show people who i really am. 

"there is no such thing as enough because we believe that our very being is not enough. [...] to have enough, we have to believe that we are enough." - Geneen Roth

believing that i am enough is the most difficult affirmation i have ever tried to tell myself. that and a line from an article by nosy nora, "i love and accept myself deeply and completely." ... i have that as the screen saver on my phone and though i see it a zillion times a day, i find it hard to believe. hard to accept as my truth. believing that i am enough means loving myself deeply and completely. believing that i am enough means accepting myself for who i am. believing that i am enough means sharing my feelings, sharing my eating, and letting people know me for who i really am. 

"wanting things that could easily be given, be gotten, rather than wanting what i knew i couldn't have from either of my parents: being seen, being met. being valued for the fullness i already embodied." - Geneen Roth

it was much easier ... is much easier ... to want to be thin, to want new shoes, to want the newest indigo girls album ... than it is to demand to be valued, to be seen, to be heard. it became easier to keep my life small than to accept that i wasn't being seen or heard. it became easier to make my body bigger, to protect myself. 

at 13, i became noticed for my body. and that noticing led to events that i would rather forget. some that i have forgotten. and at 13, i began to make myself small, to blend into the background, to not be noticed. at 13, i learned that to lead a small life meant to have a large body. 

this is all subconscious of course. i never set out to be fat. but i have kept myself fat for many years. keeping myself big as a way to protect myself from living a full life. 

i leave you with this thought ...

"the world will not fall apart if we let ourselves express our vastness. it is more likely the world will stop falling apart when we do." - Geneen Roth

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

brene brown

last night, radical t and i were talking about connection and its importance in our lives. radical t reminded me that brene brown states that we, as humans, are hard wired for connection. i then went to bed and read some brene brown. i wanted to share some of her gems of wisdom ... 

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ..............  “Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”  
― Brené Brown


connecting with others makes us feel seen, heard, and valued. it gives us a sense of belonging and a reason to be here on this planet. 

“Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.” 
― Brené Brown

connecting doesn't happen with everyone. i can't be authentic with my students all the time. i'm not authentic with the grocery store clerk. i make my connections with the people in life who matter. finding the right people to make connections with means figuring out who makes you feel heard and valued.

“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” 
― Brené Brown

suffering is what happens when there is a lack of connection. not connecting with people leaves you feeling lost, undervalued, unheard, and not belonging. loneliness leads to numbing through things like addictions, eating disorders, anxiety, depression ... 

“There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

letting yourself be seen is the scariest and bravest choice that you can make. it means living an authentic life. telling your story to those who deserve to hear it. 

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” 
― Brené Brown

i used to be an expert on numbing emotions. i found many non-unique ways to rid myself of painful emotions which led to the ridding of positive emotions. you can't feel joy if you don't allow yourself to feel grief. 

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown

being courageous and being seen is the opposite of numbing emotions. showing yourself to the people who you can make real connections with is a way to feel like you belong. courage and authenticity go hand in hand. 

“If we can find someone who has earned the right to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken. In this way, we need to cultivate our story to let go of shame, and we need to develop shame resilience in order to cultivate our story.” 
― Brené Brown

i have chosen this blog as a way to tell my story. by sharing my story with the world, although anonymously, my shame loses its power. and by sharing even more details about my story with people who have earned the right to hear it, shame disappears. 

“the culture of shame is driven by fear, blame and disconnection and it's often a powerful incubator for issues like perfectionism, stereotyping, gossip and addiction” 
― Brené Brown

disconnection happens when shame is allowed to fester and run your life. disconnection is the opposite of feeling seen, heard, and valued. 

“In our technology-crazed world, we’ve confused being communicative with feeling connected. Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on Facebook than we do face-to-face with the people we care about.” 
― Brené Brown

i spend way too much time on the computer. communicating through social media, blogging, and texting, and until i really thought about it, i thought that it was connecting. but it's important to get off the techno, and come face to face with the people that matter in our lives. 

try it. 

be kind to yourself, 
and most importantly ...

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” 
― Brené Brown

xoxo

...

hunger

i am hungry all the time. 

i hunger for love, for affection, for validation, for acceptance, for art, for beauty, for inspiration ... i have an insatiable hunger for joy. 

“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are still alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.” 

― George Eliot

the hunger for what is beautiful and good rumbles in my heart. my need feels so huge that it may consume me, if i don't consume what i hunger for. 

“Hunger of choice is a painful luxury; hunger of necessity is terrifying torture.” ― Mike Mullin

being hungry often leads us to fill that void with an attainable source. we replaced our hunger for love and affection with a hunger for food. because food can be found and consumed. food can be used as an attempt to fill those empty spaces where beauty and worthiness are missing.

We hunger for something more, something other.” ― Ann Voskamp

we are often on the lookout for something else. constantly seeking what we don't have. amassing wealth, power, possessions, in an attempt to fill that empty aching space inside of us that is a hunger for more. the feelings of not enoughness drive us to seek out more and more items, instead of looking for what will actually fulfill us which may be as simple as music, hugs, laughter, and good friends. 

“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty. 
” ― Jarod Kintz

what is your truth? and how can it feed your hunger? hunger is like an ache that can only be satiated by filling yourself with what is missing. food hunger happens because our bodies need fuel. food is fuel. and when we fuel our bodies, we are able to function through our day. but what about that other hunger? the hunger for affection, for love, for validation, for acceptance ... what about the hunger that we don't know how to fill?

 "Guilt is fueled by obligation hunger is fueled by desire.”― Tyler Edwards

if hunger is fueled by desire, then filling yourself with what you desire is the solution to the emptiness. seeking out what we need. asking for what we need and deserve. demanding respect. seeking out relationships that satiate our hunger for acceptance, love, belonging, and affection. fill yourself with the goodness of the people around you. find a way to fill yourself with beauty through art, music, dance, theatre - as a spectator or a participant. 

“Someday we shall look back on this dark era of agriculture and shake our heads. How could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poisons?” ― Jane Goodall

"how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poison?" ... how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our souls with poison? to grow requires love, affection, devotion, praise, belonging, worth, and enoughness. 

you are enoughness. you are worthy, and deserving, and the hunger you feel for whatever it is that you need ... that hunger can be filled by seeking it out and demanding it. there is nothing wrong with asking for a hug from someone who will genuinely hug you back. there is nothing wrong with telling a friend that you need to know you are loved. we hunger for more than food, water, and shelter. we hunger to feel like we matter. 

if you are reading this, you matter to me. 

you matter.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

what's best

today i am celebrating that my blog has had more than 10,000 views - and that doesn't include any of the people who get the posts emailed to them. 

10,000 views of things that i have written. little, insignificant me. people from all over the world are visiting my blog. 

it is mind-boggling, overwhelming, and humbling. 

to celebrate this milestone, i am writing about doing what is best for myself. 

it's not easy to do what is best for myself. taking time off work was the most difficult decision i have ever had to make. there has been so much guilt associated with the decision. and it has been the best thing that i ever did for myself. self-care is not valued in our society. self-care is viewed as selfish. i was taught to take care of everyone, to take care of the needs of others, to give and give and give, and not to take. the idea of taking time for myself is so foreign that it feels kind of crazy. 

part of the anxiety about taking time for myself comes from wanting to be "better" ... wanting to fast forward to the place and time where i feel strong, and healthy, and happy. 

i asked nosy nora if she could wave a magic wand to make me all "better" ...

it is going to take time, unfortunately, for me to get to the place that i want to get to. i am moving forward on my journey. i am much further along than i was a year ago. i am much further along that i was a few months ago. but the only thing that is going to get me to where i want to be is ME. 

i have also wished for a fast forward button. this kind of work is HARD. and whenever i wish to skip ahead, i am reminded of the lyrics to my favourite song:

"sometimes we ask to take a closer look, skip to the final chapter of the book, and then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took, to get us where we are this far. but the question drowns in its futility, and even i have got to laugh at me. no one gets to miss the storm of what will be, just holding on for the ride." - emily saliers

here i am, in what i think is the eye of the storm. things have been quiet and calm lately, but i know that there will be stormy weather before i come out the other side. 

this blog has been a life-saver for me. it keeps me grounded. it keeps me afloat. it keeps me focused on what i need to do to get better. 

i appreciate all my readers. i appreciate the feedback and support that i receive. 

my best advice is to take time for yourself, even if it is 5 minutes a day. give yourself what you deserve, which is time and self-focused energy. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

wants, needs, and shame

"we all struggle with feelings of not being good enough, not having enough and not belonging enough. i have found that the most effective way to overcome these feelings of inadequacy is to share our experiences. of course, in this culture, telling our stories takes courage." - Brene Brown

i have been wanting to find the courage to work my way through shame by fulfilling my need to tell my stories. and i have found lately that what we want and what we need are not always compatible.  i want to be able to go back to work and function. i want to be able to give the best of myself in my job. i need to take care of myself and i need to take some more time off. 

i need to get to a point where i am in balance. where my wants and my needs don't out-weigh each other. and, where my needs don't cause me to feel shame. 

what i crave most in the world is connection. i think that is normal. i think it is what AG called "the human condition." what we all want and need is connection, acceptance, and belonging. 

and when our needs outweigh our wants, or worse, cancel out our wants, we are afraid that we will be judged, unaccepted, and that we will no longer have a sense of belonging. sometimes our wants make us feel the same way. 

"shame unravels our connection to others. in fact, i often refer to shame as the fear of disconnection - the fear of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance and belonging." - Brene Brown

when i am so busy worrying about what others will think of me and my story, i spiral into what Brene Brown called a "shame storm" where feelings of shame beget more feelings of shame. 

but what is shame? it is not the same thing as feeling embarrassed or humiliated. if my pants feel down while walking down the street, i would be embarrassed. if i farted loudly at the front of the classroom while teaching a lesson on synonyms, i would be humiliated. but in both those case, i would still feel a sense of belonging and connection. i wouldn't feel shame. Brene Brown defines shame as:

"[...] the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." - Brene Brown

women feel shame when they can't live up to the unrealistic standards that have been set out for them. i feel shame when i can't do what i expect myself to be able to do. 

i expect myself to be able to take care of everyone around me and put myself last. i expect myself to function fully without letting my feelings interfere with what has to get done. i expect myself to put both my wants and needs last, behind everyone else's. 

my needs make me feel shame. my need to connect, my need to feel like i belong, my need to reach out to people for support, for love, for compassion, for understanding. my needs leave me in a shame storm.

shame is the belief that our stories will make us less than everyone else. but if we all feel this sense of shame, then our belonging and connection to each other comes from being willing to share our stories, to tell our truths, and to let our needs take the forefront of our lives. 


i leave you with this thought ...

"you cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviours." - Brene Brown

and that includes your own behaviours ... you cannot shame or belittle yourself into making changes in your life. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...