it starts out as a regular morning. i get out of bed feeling good. feeling like today is the day that i am going to be good. today is the day that i am going to eat well, and exercise, and be a good girl.
breakfast goes off without a hitch. feeling good. i even walk the dog. all is going well.
then i remember the paperwork that was due that day and know that i will be stuck at work after hours finishing it. so i decide that "deserve" a starbucks. i stop on the way to work and get my non-fat skinny latte. i look at the pastries and remember that i have been "good" this week so i don't get one. as i drive to work, i think about those pastries and how good they would taste.
i go to work and half way through the morning i start to get hungry. i have brought yogurt and an apple, but there are doughnuts in the staff room and i have been so good all week and all can think about are those pastries that i didn't have ... but i resist. see how good i am? see what a good girl i am? i can follow the rules. i can be good.
after a healthy lunch beside my colleagues who are eating pizza, fries, and cake (which i turned down), i go back to work. and after work, as i am driving home, i pass a tim hortons and decide that i deserve a doughnut after being so good all day. so i go through the drive-thru and get one ... except i actually get two. and i eat them in the car, rapidly, without actually tasting them. if i did sit and eat a doughnut paying attention to the taste, i would remember that i don't actually like them because they are too sweet. but i eat them while driving, so that they remain secret. as if the car blocks out the world and no one can see me scarfing down 2 doughnuts in rapid succession.
when i get home, as i am making dinner, i snack on some chips and a handful (or 2) of chocolate mini eggs. i then eat dinner, and after dinner i keep eating. i eat mindlessly while i watch tv. i eat non-stop until i feel sick.
then i feel shame.
true deep self-loathing shame.
which makes me eat more. eat past the sick. until i throw up.
which makes me feel a deeper shame.
so i go to sleep, resolving to have a better day. and when i wake up, i am convinced that today is the day that i am going to be good. in fact, i am going to be so good that i am not going to eat at all. i am going to be soooooo good.
so, i skip breakfast and go to work. i allow myself to have tea ... 3 cups of tea ... and i skip lunch ... and i skip dinner ... and i drink lots of water to fill the rumbling emptiness in my stomach. and i feel strong. i feel like i can conquer the world. until the next day, when i wake up hungry and allow myself a slice of toast ... followed by more tea and water to fill my belly, no lunch, and a bit of food at dinner. this can go on for days until i am literally STARVING and i give in to my hunger and eat and eat and eat ... which leads to what? shame shame shame. and shame leads to more eating. which leads to throwing up. which leads to more shame. which leads to deprivation, which leads to a binge and back into shame.
this, my friends, is my eating disorder shame cycle. and when i figure out how to break the cycle, i will let you know. i was told that if i eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, on a schedule that after 3 months it will become normal and my body will relax into knowing that it will have food every 3-4 hours. that sounds scary and sounds like a lot of eating and a lot of planning and a lot food. 3 months also sounds like a really long time.
let me know about your shame cycles, and ways to breakthrough.
and remember deprivation leads to binge eating, and diets are made to fail.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
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