Learning to be Second

somewhere in my childhood, i was taught that i was not first. 

i wasn't entitled to be first. wasn't worthy. was not deserving. 

someone taught me that i don't matter as much as everyone else. 

and i believed it. i have always been good at learning. i have always been good at paying attention to what i am being taught - to the overt and unspoken messages being given to me. 

for as long as i can remember, i have always put everyone else ahead of me - other people's needs in front of my needs. it doesn't matter if it is my partner, my friends, my family, my students, my colleagues, or even strangers. 

i have very few memories of feeling like i mattered. 

i never chose what game we were going to play, what movie we would watch, what we would have for dinner, where we would go, or any other "easy" decision that people make hundreds of throughout the day.

a pivotal moment in this process was my 9th birthday. that day has stuck with me for the last 30 years. 

my cousin CP is my best friend. she is 16 days older than me, so she has literally been in my life since birth. there were stretches of years where we were completely inseparable. we continue to be inseparable through the wonders of technology despite so many provinces separating us physically. 

for our 9th birthday, we celebrated at our Gram's house. We were given Barbie-style rockstar dolls. Mine had curly red hair and i thought it was the coolest most beautiful doll i had ever gotten. CP had a matching doll but it had blue hair. 

i was really excited about my doll. The red hair was beautiful. and i imagined the different stories that we were going to act out with our new dolls. 

we were also given plastic hoop earrings. CP got a pair of turquoise earrings and i got a pair of purple earrings. purple was (and still is!) my favourite colour. 

these gifts were awesome. i couldn't wait to put the earrings in and i took out the ones that i was wearing.

this next moment shaped my relationships for many years. not just with CP, but with everyone, and with everyone to come. 

i am not sure that much has really changed.

CP asked me to trade. 

she said that she liked the one with the red hair better. i didn't really like the blue-haired doll. it was the runner up. but i liked CP. i loved her. she was my best friend. and i was terrified that if i didn't do the trade, that she would be mad at me. disappointed me in. that maybe she wouldn't like me anymore. i was scared that i would be left alone with no friends. 

in that moment, i set up the pattern that would follow for the next 30 years. 

so many things went through my mind. i asked myself, did it matter that the blue doll was second best? did i deserve the better doll? was i worthy of keeping something that i liked. 

i loved CP more than i loved myself. 

it was mere seconds before i made my decision. and in that one decision, i gave away more than the doll; i gave away the idea that i was worthy of having something that i wanted. 

then it was time to put in our new earrings. i was ready to show off my new purple accessories and was happy that people knew that purple was my favourite colour. CP looked at my earrings, and then at her turquoise earrings and told me that purple was her favourite colour. and she asked if i would be willing to trade.   

of course i agreed. and i didn't simply give away the purple earrings, i gave away the last vestige of any self-mattering. 

i talked to CP before writing this post. because i know that she has sad feelings about that day. sad feelings about asking me to trade. 

i don't blame CP for the choices that i made that day. because that's what they were: choices. i could have said "no" if i hadn't learned that my wants and needs were secondary to everyone else's. i could have said "no" if someone hadn't taught me that it was more important to keep everyone else happy at my own expense. 

i was so scared that if i said "no" and kept my own things, that CP would no longer be my friend. that she would see me as selfish and mean and rude. so there wasn't ever really a question of whether or not i should do the trade. she asked, and my brain jumped to the thought of losing her a friend, so i said yes. 

over the last 30 years, i have given away so much. not only items but pieces of my very self. 

i always take the smaller piece of whatever food we are eating. i will also always take the burnt piece, or the piece of pie that fell apart, or the drink that is less bubbly. 

i tell myself that i don't care. that i don't need to choose what movie to watch because i don't care. i hate making decisions. 

but i do care. i care a lot. 

of course there are things that i like and things that i don't like. but my fear of being disliked, or being left, overrides my desire to have my way - my desire to make a choice. 

i don't want to make a decision for fear that that decision will lead to judgment and that that judgment will lead to being abandoned. 

it's odd to look back at that photo of my 9th birthday as our 39th birthday approaches us in a month. i remember being happy to be celebrating my birthday with my best friend. i remember how important it was that CP be my best friend. and i remember how scared i was that if i didn't give her what she wanted that she would stop being friends with me. and it was easier to give her my doll and my earrings that it was to take that risk. 

i didn't understand then that it in fact wasn't easy at all. 

it feels so much easier to say "i don't care" than it does to assert what i need or what i want. it is so much easier to let everyone else decide. it is so much easier to believe that i am not worthy of having what i want than it is to try to believe that i am deserving of anything at all. 

my feelings of self-worth haven't changed much in 30 years. 

i would rather help everyone else than help myself. i would rather give away what i have and end up in debt than be seen as selfish. i would rather drive back and forth across the city for someone else 3 times in one day than be seen as lazy. i would rather say yes when all i want to say is no, for fear of being disliked. 

my fear of judgement overrides my instinct for survival. 

i want to change. i want to learn that i matter. i want to learn that i am worthy and deserving. 

people tell me that i am. and i sometimes believe that they actually think they what they are saying is true. 

but what i want to learn, is how to believe it about myself. i want to learn how to believe that i am worthy of putting myself first. of making choices. of saying no when i want to. of learning to know WHAT i want, and expressing it to others. 

it's a process. one step forward and 73 steps backwards. at least, that's how it feels. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

 

  

the eating disorder shame cycle

i am going to tell you a story.  as i write this, my personal shame gremlins (credit brene brown) are yelling at me that this is a bad idea, that i will be judged, that it's private and not for sharing, that no one wants to hear about my inner struggle with shame and food, that NO ONE will be able to relate to my story ... a story that is hard for me to share. but important for me to share.

it starts out as a regular morning. i get out of bed feeling good. feeling like today is the day that i am going to be good. today is the day that i am going to eat well, and exercise, and be a good girl. 

breakfast goes off without a hitch. feeling good. i even walk the dog. all is going well. 

then i remember the paperwork that was due that day and know that i will be stuck at work after hours finishing it. so i decide that "deserve" a starbucks. i stop on the way to work and get my non-fat skinny latte. i look at the pastries and remember that i have been "good" this week so i don't get one. as i drive to work, i think about those pastries and how good they would taste. 

i go to work and half way through the morning i start to get hungry. i have brought yogurt and an apple, but there are doughnuts in the staff room and i have been so good all week and all can think about are those pastries that i didn't have ... but i resist. see how good i am? see what a good girl i am? i can follow the rules. i can be good. 

after a healthy lunch beside my colleagues who are eating pizza, fries, and cake (which i turned down), i go back to work. and after work, as i am driving home, i pass a tim hortons and decide that i deserve a doughnut after being so good all day. so i go through the drive-thru and get one ... except i actually get two. and i eat them in the car, rapidly, without actually tasting them. if i did sit and eat a doughnut paying attention to the taste, i would remember that i don't actually like them because they are too sweet. but i eat them while driving, so that they remain secret. as if the car blocks out the world and no one can see me scarfing down 2 doughnuts in rapid succession. 

when i get home, as i am making dinner, i snack on some chips and a handful (or 2) of chocolate mini eggs. i then eat dinner, and after dinner i keep eating. i eat mindlessly while i watch tv. i eat non-stop until i feel sick. 

then i feel shame. 

true deep self-loathing shame. 

which makes me eat more. eat past the sick. until i throw up. 

which makes me feel a deeper shame. 

so i go to sleep, resolving to have a better day. and when i wake up, i am convinced that today is the day that i am going to be good. in fact, i am going to be so good that i am not going to eat at all. i am going to be soooooo good. 

so, i skip breakfast and go to work. i allow myself to have tea ... 3 cups of tea ... and i skip lunch ... and i skip dinner ... and i drink lots of water to fill the rumbling emptiness in my stomach. and i feel strong. i feel like i can conquer the world. until the next day, when i wake up hungry and allow myself a slice of toast ... followed by more tea and water to fill my belly, no lunch, and a bit of food at dinner. this can go on for days until i am literally STARVING and i give in to my hunger and eat and eat and eat ... which leads to what? shame shame shame. and shame leads to more eating. which leads to throwing up. which leads to more shame. which leads to deprivation, which leads to a binge and back into shame. 

this, my friends, is my eating disorder shame cycle. and when i figure out how to break the cycle, i will let you know. i was told that if i eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, on a schedule that after 3 months it will become normal and my body will relax into knowing that it will have food every 3-4 hours. that sounds scary and sounds like a lot of eating and a lot of planning and a lot food. 3 months also sounds like a really long time. 

let me know about your shame cycles, and ways to breakthrough. 

and remember deprivation leads to binge eating, and diets are made to fail. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

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let them eat cake ... the whole cake ...

the other night i was introduced to the idea that some people settle for crumbs instead of expecting and demanding the whole cake. 

when it comes to actual cake, eating the crumbs instead of the cake only leads to deprivation and later sneaking the cake. it leads to thinking about nothing BUT cake. and it leads to shame. 

“...compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting -- of leaving ourselves -- hundreds of times a day.” ― Geneen Roth

cake as a metaphor can allude to so many things.

relationships
settling for the crumbs means not expecting or demanding what you deserve from family, friends, or your partner. you deserve to be treated with respect. you deserve to be asked how you feel, how your day was, what you like, and what you want. you deserve to matter. you deserve to be in mutually respectful relationships in which you are equally important. you deserve to be compatible with the people you love. you deserve not to get text messages from your mother that say "you suck" or "you are a bad person." 



work
do you know how many times i have wanted to ask for more but was afraid to look like a jerk? i want better preps, i want better duties. i want less meetings and more of a break. i want a shorter lunch hour ... so many of us settle for the crumbs at work. not asking for a promotion. not sharing our ideas for fear of rejection. not demanding equal pay. work isn't just a place you go to get money. work often defines how we feel about ourselves. you are worth the whole cake at work too. 

sex
yeah ... i'm not going to write about sex. but RS wanted me to include it. when it comes to sex, many people settle for crumbs. you deserve a slice of cake. with layers. and lots of icing. and sprinkles. you get the point. 

food
when it comes to eating, too often i settle for the crumbs. literally. i starve myself until i am so hungry that i over-eat. because i don't think that i deserve to eat a slice of cake like everyone else. so alone and unobserved, i will eat my cake. but i will eat it like it is the last piece of cake i will ever have in my life. i don't taste it. and i don't enjoy it because i am being sneaky and don't think that i deserve to enjoy it. if i DO eat cake in front of people, i spend the entire time wondering what people are thinking about my cake eating. so i don't enjoy the cake at all. i barely taste it. 

so now what? i wish i had an answer for you. i wish i could tell you HOW to stop living on crumbs and to live a cake-filled life. but if i knew that, i would be living on cake myself. if i knew that, i wouldn't have a plate full of crumbs in front of me and i wouldn't feel guilty about even having that. i would ask for what i need, demand what i deserve, and seek out more cake varieties. 

so that is our homework ... choose one small area of your life where you accept crumbs, and look for a way to have a slice of cake. then email me or comment at the bottom of the post and tell me about it. i look forward to hearing about your accomplishments, and your struggles!

be kind to yourself, and go for the cake

xoxo

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