my spring thoughts
“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” ― Simone de Beauvoir
i wanted to spend a bit of time this weekend talking about the renewal of spring. now is the time when the days are longer, the evenings are brighter, the temperature is theoretically warmer ... the flowers are starting to make their way through the cold hard earth and blooming.
it makes me think about all the changes that i am making in my life.
and all the changes i hope that you are making too.
i have been thinking a lot about eating and my disordered eating. and about body image in general.
“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.”
where do our ideas and our ideals come from? before the diet industry, being plump meant being healthy because it meant that you had enough food to eat.
it's time to start thinking about all the things that i am, instead of all the things that i am not. i am "not a problem to be solved."
“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.”
i am precious. i am worthy. i am enough. i am deserving ... if i tell myself those things over and over, maybe i will start to believe them.
“What if I'm so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive?” ― Amy Reed
disordered eating affects every part of my life. right now, for example, i KNOW that i am not hungry. that i can't possibly be hungry. that i have eaten more than enough food. and yet, all i want is to go into the kitchen and find something to eat. for no real reason other than i feel like something is missing. there are other times where i convince myself that i don't need to eat at all. that i can make it through the day on an apple and a lot of tea. it's very confusing to determine which kind of day it is.
“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.” ― Naomi Wolf
growing up, i was encouraged to be thin. by my parents, by my extended family, by my dance teachers, by the media, by society ... being thin meant being successful and being enough. being thin meant being accepted. and as my medical conditions (PCOS and hypothyroidism) caused me to gain weight, i began to feel more and more anxious and less and less worthy.
at age 3, i started ballet and i was taught to suck in my stomach. i haven't let it out since then.
what screws us up most is what other people expect our life is supposed to be. especially our early childhood expectations. what we learn then is what sets us up for the rest of our lives. it is the unlearning that is most important.
i don't want to regret not taking advantage of opportunities that life throws my way. as much as i want to continue the patterns that have served me well for so many years ... the familiar patterns that have plagued me for so many years ... it's time for a change. it's time for renewal, and rejuvenation. it is time to refresh my life.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
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