keeping myself small

"why do we feel that we have to have small bodies to have big lives? what feels good about feeling bad? and where do we turn for nourishment when it's not in the places we thought it would be?" - Geneen Roth

i have kept myself small for many years. large in physique and small in my life. i have diminished my accomplishments so as not to make other people feel bad. i worry about how my accomplishments will make other people feel, so i diminish my achievements thinking that will make other people feel good. 

my parents had their problems; both in their relationship and in their own lives. and i learned that by being small, i could blend into the background. i didn't share my report cards. i didn't share my writing. i kept it all to myself. keeping my life small and meaningless. keeping myself from being the centre of attention. 

"we believe we are not enough, we also believe that if we had more or were different, we would feel nourished." - Geneen Roth

i have spent my small life believing that i am not enough, that i don't do enough, that i don't have enough. believing that if only i were thin, if only i were smart, if only i were ______ i would feel nourished and fulfilled. not knowing that what i need to be nourished has been right here inside of me all along. 

for years i turned to my addictions: food and pills. using both to try to fill the empty spaces inside of me. 

"what did i want that i could never have, which made me feel like an endless pit of need?" - Geneen Roth

what did i want? i wanted to fit in with the other kids. i wanted to feel part of a group. i wanted to feel belonging and connection. instead, i felt like "an endless pit of need." and i tried to fill that pit with food. 

but you cannot fill an endless pit. 

"when you hide [eating] you give yourself the message that who you are is not acceptable, and that you must pretend to be someone else to be loved." - Geneen Roth

i spend way too much of my life hiding my eating. i would sneak to the store, buy a chocolate bar, and eat it as fast as i could. when i was 9. 

and i continued to hide my eating well into my 30s. in public, eating "healthy" foods, in private consuming vast quantities of "unhealthy" foods. making myself bigger to keep my life small. 

"when you sneak food, you perpetuate the belief that you are too ugly, too needy, too intense to be seen and loved for who you are. the same is true when you sneak feelings." - Geneen Roth

sneaking food and sneaking feelings are one and the same in my life. afraid to tell people how i feel. afraid to show people what i eat. afraid to live a big and full life. afraid to show people who i really am. 

"there is no such thing as enough because we believe that our very being is not enough. [...] to have enough, we have to believe that we are enough." - Geneen Roth

believing that i am enough is the most difficult affirmation i have ever tried to tell myself. that and a line from an article by nosy nora, "i love and accept myself deeply and completely." ... i have that as the screen saver on my phone and though i see it a zillion times a day, i find it hard to believe. hard to accept as my truth. believing that i am enough means loving myself deeply and completely. believing that i am enough means accepting myself for who i am. believing that i am enough means sharing my feelings, sharing my eating, and letting people know me for who i really am. 

"wanting things that could easily be given, be gotten, rather than wanting what i knew i couldn't have from either of my parents: being seen, being met. being valued for the fullness i already embodied." - Geneen Roth

it was much easier ... is much easier ... to want to be thin, to want new shoes, to want the newest indigo girls album ... than it is to demand to be valued, to be seen, to be heard. it became easier to keep my life small than to accept that i wasn't being seen or heard. it became easier to make my body bigger, to protect myself. 

at 13, i became noticed for my body. and that noticing led to events that i would rather forget. some that i have forgotten. and at 13, i began to make myself small, to blend into the background, to not be noticed. at 13, i learned that to lead a small life meant to have a large body. 

this is all subconscious of course. i never set out to be fat. but i have kept myself fat for many years. keeping myself big as a way to protect myself from living a full life. 

i leave you with this thought ...

"the world will not fall apart if we let ourselves express our vastness. it is more likely the world will stop falling apart when we do." - Geneen Roth

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

baby steps

change is hard. 

and it doesn't happen all at once. 

i often make the mistake of trying to make a bunch of changes all at once which is setting myself up for failure ... which is inevitable ... 

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein

i need to change my thinking about changing. i need to stop trying to make all these giant shifts all at once. small steps each day is the only way to make effective changes. 

for example, tonight i added broccoli to dinner. that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is. broccoli and carrots. tomorrow i plan to drink a glass of water. just one. i never drink water. mostly because i have to pee all the time and i know that drinking water will make it a hundred times worse. but tomorrow my baby step will be to drink a glass of water. 

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol

i could sit around and wait for my life to change. i could get up tomorrow and eat only healthy foods, drink lots of water, work-out for an hour and a half ... i could do all that ... but i wont do it again the next day. changing yourself means being realistic and making small steps. 

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

my current state is not nurturing. i am not happy with my life the way it is right now. there are things that i need to make different. and i need to acknowledge that it is hard. 

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

we only have one life, and we only have one self. altering our lives means altering ourselves. we need to adapt ourselves to be our best selves. and this means taking baby steps towards greatness. this means pushing through, and pushing past what we think we cannot achieve. 

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” ― Madonna

who knew i would offer advice from madonna. but it's good advice. becoming a better version of yourself is possible. it is not out of reach. but not by making giant changes all at once. 

“How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the whole day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day.” ― Anne Frank

now anne frank, that's more my style of offering wisdom. 

each night when i lay in bed, i make it a point to go over my day and consider the good and the bad. i then follow zed's example and i think about the people in my life and my wishes for them. and in the morning, i endeavor to do better.  

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ― Carl R. Rogers

geneen roth said, you are not a problem to be solved. that is a very difficult thing to hear and believe. but making changes doesn't mean that you are broken or worthless. it simply means that you want more for yourself. that you deserve better than the life that you are living. that you deserve more. that you deserve to experience enoughness. 
(see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/enoughness.html) 

“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

remaking ourselves IS possible. it isn't easy. but nothing worthwhile is easy. altering habits isn't easy, but it can be done one day at a time. it's the belief in ourselves that needs to change.

believe in yourself and your ability to be great. believe in your ability that you are enough. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

hunger

i am hungry all the time. 

i hunger for love, for affection, for validation, for acceptance, for art, for beauty, for inspiration ... i have an insatiable hunger for joy. 

“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are still alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.” 

― George Eliot

the hunger for what is beautiful and good rumbles in my heart. my need feels so huge that it may consume me, if i don't consume what i hunger for. 

“Hunger of choice is a painful luxury; hunger of necessity is terrifying torture.” ― Mike Mullin

being hungry often leads us to fill that void with an attainable source. we replaced our hunger for love and affection with a hunger for food. because food can be found and consumed. food can be used as an attempt to fill those empty spaces where beauty and worthiness are missing.

We hunger for something more, something other.” ― Ann Voskamp

we are often on the lookout for something else. constantly seeking what we don't have. amassing wealth, power, possessions, in an attempt to fill that empty aching space inside of us that is a hunger for more. the feelings of not enoughness drive us to seek out more and more items, instead of looking for what will actually fulfill us which may be as simple as music, hugs, laughter, and good friends. 

“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty. 
” ― Jarod Kintz

what is your truth? and how can it feed your hunger? hunger is like an ache that can only be satiated by filling yourself with what is missing. food hunger happens because our bodies need fuel. food is fuel. and when we fuel our bodies, we are able to function through our day. but what about that other hunger? the hunger for affection, for love, for validation, for acceptance ... what about the hunger that we don't know how to fill?

 "Guilt is fueled by obligation hunger is fueled by desire.”― Tyler Edwards

if hunger is fueled by desire, then filling yourself with what you desire is the solution to the emptiness. seeking out what we need. asking for what we need and deserve. demanding respect. seeking out relationships that satiate our hunger for acceptance, love, belonging, and affection. fill yourself with the goodness of the people around you. find a way to fill yourself with beauty through art, music, dance, theatre - as a spectator or a participant. 

“Someday we shall look back on this dark era of agriculture and shake our heads. How could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poisons?” ― Jane Goodall

"how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poison?" ... how could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our souls with poison? to grow requires love, affection, devotion, praise, belonging, worth, and enoughness. 

you are enoughness. you are worthy, and deserving, and the hunger you feel for whatever it is that you need ... that hunger can be filled by seeking it out and demanding it. there is nothing wrong with asking for a hug from someone who will genuinely hug you back. there is nothing wrong with telling a friend that you need to know you are loved. we hunger for more than food, water, and shelter. we hunger to feel like we matter. 

if you are reading this, you matter to me. 

you matter.

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

enoughness

"Most of us spend our lives protecting ourselves from losses that have already happened." 

— Geneen Roth

i have enough, but i am always looking for more. 

i do enough, but i am always thinking that i need to do more. 

i am enough, but i am always looking to be more. 

what is enoughness? well first, it's a word that i made up. and second, enoughness is living your life in the moment. it is living as if what you have, what you do, and what you are, are tantamount to enough. 

enoughness is accepting that this moment is the most important moment because it is now. enoughness means not waiting for the right time that will never come. 

i want to write about enoughness in relation to food and eating.


my parents grew up with very little. they didn't have enough; not enough food, not enough attention, not enough love. and so they passed on the legacy of not enough to me, even though in reality i have everything i need. 

i was given everything i could ever need or want. and i never asked for anything. i didn't need to. there was an abundance of food. it was readily available. i helped with the grocery shopping and got to choose what i wanted to eat. there was always enough. 

and yet, it never felt like enough. the not-enough legacy was passed on so that i felt the need to sneak food. to hide food and eat it later. when i tried to go into the kitchen to get food, i was always told "you're not hungry, you're bored." perhaps i was bored and not hungry, but that need wasn't met either. so i stopped looking for food publicly and ate in secret, trying to give myself enough. 

this feeling of looking for what i don't have, of wanting something that may not even exist, this feeling of never having enough is a legacy passed down to me from poverty. but it's more than that. i think that our society is obsessed with the idea of more. and more means never having enough. 

"...compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting -- of leaving ourselves -- hundreds of times a day." 

— Geneen Roth

anorexia of the soul ... starving your soul. not feeding your soul what it needs to thrive. the feeling of not BEING enough makes me eat foods that my body doesn't need, in amounts that my body doesn't need so that i can have a false sense of enoughness. i am feeding my need to fill myself without feeding my heart. enoughness means eating when you are hungry, stopping when you are full, and choosing foods that taste good to you. enoughness means feeding your heart and soul with music, friendship, reading good books, writing, walking, gardening, or whatever makes you feel content and enough. when the focus turns to food, the lack of enoughness causes you to overeat. 

"We keep wanting more because we don't let ourselves have what we already have" — Geneen Roth

let myself have what i already have ... i have been learning a great deal about kindness. i have been allowing myself to experience kindness without bolting, as well as asking for (demanding) kindness. and most importantly, i have been demanding that i treat mySelf with kindness. it is time to let myself have what i already have - to practice letting myself experience the joys in life that are right here and right now. 

"You will never stop wanting more until you allow yourself to have what you already have. To take it in. Savor it. Now is a good time to do that . . ." 

— Geneen Roth

taking the time to eat slowly ... to truly taste the foods you eat ... to feel the textures, to know what you like and what you don't like ... this is about allowing yourself to have what you already have. i bought a bag of chocolate easter eggs. i was excited. i peeled the pink shiny foil off the egg and smelled the chocolate. i popped it into my mouth and let the chocolate begin to dissolve. then i bit into the chocolate egg and began to chew ... at which point i discovered that i don't actually like chocolate easter eggs. they are waxy and way too sweet. normally i just pop them in my mouth, chew and swallow, and move onto the next one. enoughness means tasting what you eat and choosing to eat what tastes good. and it also means not wasting time eating things that you discover you don't even like. 

when it comes to the enoughness of life, i am working on allowing myself to be treated well. to savor feeling loved. to take in feeling cared about, cherished, treasured. allowing myself to have what is here. and rejecting what doesn't feel good. 

merriam webster defines "enough" as "occuring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations." the scope of your life, right now, as you are, is enough because it is what you are. 

some of you reading this are thinking that this doesn't apply to you because you don't have a job, or you hate your job, or you have an illness, or you are fighting cancer, or your marriage is ending, or you are thinking about moving, or or or ... but i promise you that you are enough, as you are. enoughness means looking past the events and looking into your heart. enoughness is practicing gratitude for the things that make you smile. 

right now, in this moment, i am in enoughness because i am writing and drinking a chai tea latte. i am savoring each word i write, and each sip of hot creamy spicy goodness. 

enoughness isn't about what you have. enoughness is about living each moment with gusto. 

i leave you with this thought: 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...