spring thoughts

my spring thoughts

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

i wanted to spend a bit of time this weekend talking about the renewal of spring. now is the time when the days are longer, the evenings are brighter, the temperature is theoretically warmer ... the flowers are starting to make their way through the cold hard earth and blooming. 

it makes me think about all the changes that i am making in my life. 

and all the changes i hope that you are making too.

i have been thinking a lot about eating and my disordered eating. and about body image in general. 

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need.” 

― Marya Hornbacher,

where do our ideas and our ideals come from? before the diet industry, being plump meant being healthy because it meant that you had enough food to eat. 

it's time to start thinking about all the things that i am, instead of all the things that i am not. i am "not a problem to be solved." 

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.” 

― Geneen Roth

i am precious. i am worthy. i am enough. i am deserving ... if i tell myself those things over and over, maybe i will start to believe them. 

“What if I'm so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive?” ― Amy Reed

disordered eating affects every part of my life. right now, for example, i KNOW that i am not hungry. that i can't possibly be hungry. that i have eaten more than enough food. and yet, all i want is to go into the kitchen and find something to eat. for no real reason other than i feel like something is missing. there are other times where i convince myself that i don't need to eat at all. that i can make it through the day on an apple and a lot of tea. it's very confusing to determine which kind of day it is. 

“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.” ― Naomi Wolf

growing up, i was encouraged to be thin. by my parents, by my extended family, by my dance teachers, by the media, by society ... being thin meant being successful and being enough. being thin meant being accepted. and as my medical conditions (PCOS and hypothyroidism) caused me to gain weight, i began to feel more and more anxious and less and less worthy. 

at age 3, i started ballet and i was taught to suck in my stomach. i haven't let it out since then. 

what screws us up most is what other people expect our life is supposed to be. especially our early childhood expectations. what we learn then is what sets us up for the rest of our lives. it is the unlearning that is most important. 

i don't want to regret not taking advantage of opportunities that life throws my way. as much as i want to continue the patterns that have served me well for so many years ... the familiar patterns that have plagued me for so many years ... it's time for a change. it's time for renewal, and rejuvenation. it is time to refresh my life. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

fresh starts

my very favourite quote from anne of green gables is "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." there is something comforting about the idea that you can always make a fresh start. 

nothing represents a fresh start for me more than green gables. it was a new beginning for anne. a place where dreams could come true. where mistakes could me made and second chances were given. where the love healed all wounds. 

i am thinking about fresh starts today. new beginnings. which reminds me of yesterday's post about spring and renewal. flowers coming back after a dormancy through the harsh winter. 

i am thinking about how i have taken time for myself, and today i am going back to work. 

what is a fresh start? what does it mean to start fresh? it's a clean slate. an opportunity to begin again without prejudice. tabula rasa. 

today will feel like the first day. because i am different. because i have been away. because the kids have been away. 

merriam webster defines fresh as newly made, not spoiled, clean and pure. my start today is not spoiled. it is clean, and pure, and ready for me to live to the fullest. 

i think that courage is showing up. sometimes showing up after hardship. sometimes showing up after humiliation. and sometimes, just showing up. 

a fresh start is courageous because it is showing up. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

spring IS coming ...

"you can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming." - Pablo Neruda

it isn't quite spring yet. there is still snow and ice on the ground. it's -13 degrees today. but it is coming. 

and under the earth, plants lie dormant. but they will grow again. 

flowers can teach us a great deal about ourselves. 

spring can be a time of renewal for ourselves, both mentally and physically (it is easier to go for a walk in the spring than it is in the winter on the slippery freezing cold streets).

under the ground right now, the flowers are waiting. and soon they will work their way through the hard earth, reaching for the warmth and light of the sun. no matter how cold and hard the winter was, they will grow and bloom. 

the same can be said for us. this has been a long and cold, harsh winter. more harsh than we have had in awhile. and the harshness and coldness have made it feel like a much longer winter than usual. 

i know that i feel like a dormant bulb under the cold hard earth. waiting for the temperature to warm up, for the sun to be stronger, for my limbs to stretch through, out of this cold dormancy and be revitalized. 

i want to be renewed. 

according to deborah day: "renewal requires opening yourself up to new ways of thinking and feeling." i want to be open to newness. to learning about myself, about others, and about the world. 

renewal ... 

merriam webster defines renewal as making something new, fresh, or strong again. to make a promise again. to begin again with more force or enthusiasm. 

notice that each definition includes the word "again" as in, returning to what you once were or once did. we were born new, fresh, strong, forceful, and enthusiastic. and we can reclaim those attributes. 

"for within your flesh, deep within the centre of your being, is the undaunted, waiting, longing, all-knowing. is the ready, able, perfect. within you, waiting its turn to emerge, piece by piece, with the dawn of every former test of trial and blackness, is the next unfolding, the great unfurling of wings, the reforged backbone of a true child of light." - jennifer delucy

we are always already strong, vibrant, magical, and enough. and now is the time to find those things inside ourselves. to push through this harsh winter and put the cold, ice, and snow ... the frozen, behind us. 

to let ourselves bloom, and start fresh in the spring. 

i have always thought that spring should be the start of the new year. because it is when everything that has been dormant comes back to life. 

including me. 

including you. 

may you find renewal and your best self, and bloom like the flowers. 


be kind to yourself, 

(this time, all the photos are mine)
xoxo

...