my blog is doing better than i ever expected.
Pageviews today
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69
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Pageviews yesterday
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56
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Pageviews all time history
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11,046
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those are the stats from this blog. 11,046 page views. i have started to receive feedback through email, and comments. and it feels great. i hope that my words resonate with people.
today i want to write about butterflies. again. i was recently asked how i will know when i have grown my wings, and that question has stayed with me.
how will i know?
“Hundreds of butterflies flitted in and out of sight like short-lived punctuation marks in a stream of consciousness without beginning or end.”
in order to gain my wings, i will need to come to terms with my past. butterflies leave their caterpillar selves behind them. i am examining my story. sharing my truths that have been bottled up and kept secret for so long. through this process i am growing my wings.
maya angelou wrote: "we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." the changes that i am going through are long and hard. looking at myself and looking at my past is hard work. understanding where i came from and how i came to be who i am today is helping me to become a stronger, happier, healthier person. we can't just become a butterfly without entering a cocoon and turning to goo and reforming as a new creature.
change is terrifying. change means giving up the familiar, giving up what we know to be comfortable even when that means remaining in discomfort. sometimes it is easier to stay with the discomfort that we know instead of moving into the discomfort of the unknown ...
in order to fully change, i have entered the discomfort of facing my darkness and sharing those dark spaces with the people i love. choosing the right people to share with means receiving empathy and compassion. a mere 2 months ago, i couldn't get off the couch, and now i have crawled out of my cocoon and am letting my new wings dry before i try to fly.
going through darkness means facing the discomfort of my past. not dwelling in the darkness, not dwelling in what was, but learning how to make what is out of what i know, and relearning what could be.
that was complicated ...
going through darkness means facing the reality of my childhood, and learning how to take care of myself instead of everyone else around me. it means acknowledging what i didn't get from my parents, so that i can seek out those things now from other people, and learn to be a better teacher and a better parent myself.
as scary as change can be, it can also be good. without change, there would be no butterflies. without change, there would be no growth, there would be no flowers, there would be no beauty in the world. without change there would be no art, no music, no creativity. without change, there would be no need for courage. and we would repeat the cycle of our parents, and grandparents, and their parents, and their parents. cycles of poverty, of violence, of addictions, of struggle. we need change to be able to create new cycles of love, hugs, beauty, affection, healthy relationships, and self-love.
sometimes changing is scary for the people around us. they wonder how they fit with the new you. remember that you aren't changing to get away from people, but to learn to love yourself more deeply.
i trust this process. i trust the changes that have been happening within me and around me. i trust that one day i will be able to fly.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
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