scared part 2

yesterday i wrote a post about 50 things that i was scared of. but since then i have thought of so many more things that scare me. 

51. being authentic in case it means no one likes me.
52. i can't sleep with any part of me hanging over the side of the bed (or too close to the edge of the bed) in case something grabs me. or someone. 
53. dogs.
54. gory movies.
55. my parents dying.
56. snakes.
57. people who get angry.
58. my car dying in the middle of nowhere.
59. flat tires.
60. death in general.
61. guns.
62. violence.
63. being late.
64. not sleeping. 
65. sleeping too much.
66. anxiety.
67. being pulled over by the police.
68. wild animals.
69. being reincarnated as a frog. ok, not really. that one was for nosy nora. 
70. that there is life after death and i will have to live all over again and never get to just sleep.
71. that there is no life after death and this is all we have.
72. moving.
73. debt.
74. panic attacks.
75. anger.
76. yelling.
77. ants in my house.
78. drugs.
79. driving in the dark.
80. driving in the dark in the rain.
81. driving in a snow storm.
82. war.
83. genocide.
84. tornadoes.
85. the power going off.
86. bad credit.
87. running out of money.
88. my teeth falling out. 
89. strangers.
90. getting in trouble at work. 
91. having to work forever.
92. not being able to work. 
93. tv shows and movies about violence.
94. DP leaving me.
95. ghost stories.
96. public bathrooms.
97. cancer.
98. not being able to pay the bills.
99. the dark.
100. running out of things to write about.

and that makes my top 100 things that i am afraid of. there's a few repeats from yesterday's list i think. but that's only 'cause those things are really scary. 

be kind to yourself,

xoxo

...

scared

i have noticed that many of my readers are from Russia. I wanted to say welcome and thank you for reading my blog. 

Добро пожаловать и спасибо за чтение моего блога . Я ценю, что ты , что нашли время , чтобы посетить мой сайт и читать мои мысли .

Dobro pozhalovat' i spasibo za chteniye moyego bloga 

YA tsenyu, chto ty , chto nashli vremya , chtoby posetit' moy sayt 

i chitat' moi mysli 

as halloween approaches, i thought it would write about things that scare me. the list is long. and sometimes irrational. 

here are my top 50 fears:

1. i am afraid of getting lost
2. i am afraid of not finding parking
3. i am afraid of my car breaking down - or spontaneously exploding
4. i am afraid of getting a flat tire
5. i am afraid of dark parking lots
6. i'm afraid of dark streets at night
7. i'm afraid of being raped.
8. i'm afraid of being murdered
9. i'm afraid of burning dinner when i cook
10. i'm afraid of people being mad at me
11. i'm afraid when people yell
12. i'm afraid of the news
13. i'm afraid of dogs
14. i'm afraid of being wrong
15. i'm afraid of breaking the rules
16. i'm afraid of being fat forever
17. i'm afraid of being in trouble
18. i'm afraid of insects
19. i'm afraid of mice and rats
20. i'm afraid of police
21. i'm afraid of bad guys
22. i'm afraid that if i drive with the windows open someone will reach inside and steal my bag
23. i'm afraid of my car windows being smashed in (which has happened twice so it's not irrational)
24. i'm afraid of drinking too much
25. i'm afraid of getting stuck on an elevator
26. i'm afraid of my house being broken into
27. i'm afraid of the people i love dying
28. i'm afraid of losing my friends
29. i'm afraid of being car jacked or shot
30. i'm afraid of a shooting happening at my school
31. i'm afraid of guns
32. i'm afraid of stray cats
33. i'm afraid of magic being real and i'm afraid that it's not
34. i'm afraid of men i pass walking down the street
35. i'm afraid of strangers
36. i'm afraid of my fears
37. i'm afraid of death
38. i'm afraid of living
39. i'm afraid of sleeping to much and of sleeping too little
40. i'm afraid of sharing too much
41. i'm afraid of scary movies
42. i'm afraid of shows like "criminal minds"
43. i'm afraid of my friends changing their minds about wanting to be friends with me (which has happened numerous times and isn't an irrational fear either)
44. i'm afraid of my teeth falling out
45. i'm afraid of car commercials, and credit card commercials
46. i'm afraid to take pills and i'm afraid not to
47. i'm afraid of spiders
48. i'm afraid of money - of not having enough, of owing too much
49.i'm afraid of my back being sore
50. i'm afraid of the subway. 

i am pretty much afraid of something all the time. it's exhausting. do any of you have any advice to deal with my fears?

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes and fear

a few months ago, i wrote a blog post about changes. http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/05/changes.html advising that change can be good. 

well, that was easy to say when the changes were being faced by others. now i am facing my own change and all i feel is fear, resentment, and the dragging of my feet. 

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

the idea of doing things that scare me, scares me. :)

i don't like the idea of trying something new. of moving. of change. change is terrifying. 

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

i am anxious about change. change means having to admit that i don't know everything. it means having to try something that i know nothing about. it means experimenting, learning new things, and not knowing. last night i had a panic attack. my chest felt like it was being crushed and it was hard to breathe. 

“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.” 
― Lemony Snicket

my fear of change is both rational and irrational. i have to learn to adjust to a major change and what i fear most is the not knowing. 

“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....” 
― Erica Jong

turn back. turn back. i tried to turn back. but i have to go forward and embrace the change. i want to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and scream and cry until my face turns blue. 

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.” 
― Shel Silverstein

it's all about perspective. i need to view change as a challenge, as exciting, as an opportunity for a fresh start. i need to view change as an opportunity to learn. 

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.” 
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

i am afraid of the known coming to an end. i am afraid of having to start all over again. i am afraid of not being good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough, or brave enough to handle the changes. i am afraid of losing what i had. have. had. afraid of leaving the comfort of the familiar. the comfort of the known. the comfort of routine. structure. rules. everything that i have put in place that now will change. 

so, my point is, a few months ago, i wrote about change. i wrote advice on how to embrace change. what a jerk i was. change sucks. it's too scary. it just plain sucks. 

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo

...

changes

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'. - Bob Dylan

i hate change. there aren't enough words to explain how uncomfortable change makes me. and yet, change is constantly happening. good changes, bad changes, neutral changes. i hate them all. 

this post is for all the people in my life being forced to change. especially LAC (... yes you, i'm talking about you ...) who is moving on to greener pastures whether she wants to or not, whether she is willing to admit that they are greener or not ...

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” 
― Mary Shelley

we navigate our way through the world in the safety of what we know ... what we are used to ... what is comfortable. the idea of something new and different is scary to us. we fear what we don't know. we doubt ourselves and our abilities. in the midst of change, we forget that we always have options. we externalize our worth rather than looking within - we define ourselves by what job we have, how much money we make, what we own, and how we are seen. real change means accepting that who we are matters more than what we are. the truth is that we cling to what we know for fear of losing what we have; for fear of losing ourselves in what we don't know. 

there is one fact that we often forget: we take ourselves with us wherever we go. you can't leave yourself behind no matter how many changes you make (or are forced into making).

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan

change is discomfort. change is facing the unknown. sometimes facing your fears. this can be really scary, and it can also be really exciting. everything is in a constant state of change. nothing stagnates. 

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” 
― Stephen Chbosky

life doesn't stop. for anybody. for anything. the world turns whether we stand still and cry or run around in circles screaming about the changes that we don't want to happen. people grow, people change, people move on. and we have to keep living. 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” 
― Lao Tzu

the world is in a constant state of change. life is full of cycles, but things don't cycle back in exactly the same way. the flowers come back after the winter, but they aren't the same flowers. they are new flowers from the same bulbs. 

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

throw yourself ... it is time to embrace change - as much as we drag our feet and stagnate in what we know, the world is in a constant state of change. it is the one thing that we can count on. captain stressy pants says that the world would be boring without change. that doesn't make me hate it any less. but i am willing to throw myself, to be open to possibilities that come with changes. 

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.- Bob Dylan


“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

sometimes staying in the position that we are in means staying in a situation that is not good for us. sometimes we think that we are happy because we have been here for so long that we think this is what happiness is. and then, surprisingly, things in the new place are better and we discover that the change was a good thing. 

LAC, i have a message for you:

“You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

we get so used to what we know, that even when what we know is unhealthy we want to stay. you don't know what is out there. you don't know how good other people have it because we, you AND i, have been here in this place for so long. we call it home. we call it family. and family doesn't stop being family just because you move away. we will always been family. this will always be a second home. and you are going to find joy in the new place with the new people and with children who WANT to learn. 

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

- Bob Dylan

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

i hate change. and i am trying to embrace it. i am trying to get used to the idea of my friends leaving my school, of nosy nora moving her office, of the furniture in my living room being rearranged, of driving a rental car instead of my own, of meeting with a new doctor today and another new doctor in a few weeks ... i am trying to embrace the changes within my self. i am trying to get used to the idea of saying what i think, of expressing my feelings, of allowing myself to HAVE feelings, of allowing myself to FEEL those emotions, of standing up for myself ...

change isn't all bad. even the hard change has a purpose. and besides ...


“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” 
― Margaret Mead

be kind to yourself, 

xoxo
...

fears revisited ...

“Now it's the dark's turn to be afraid.” 

― Joseph Delaney

fears.

Feelings Evoked by an Anxiety Response.

fears can take over our life and prevent us from truly living. i have written about fears before, in relation to worries and anxiety. today i want to talk about fear in relation to taking risks. 

“I’m afraid I’ll be a book that no one reads. Music that no one listens to anymore. I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned like a movie playing in an empty theater.” 

― Tablo

being afraid of not being seen, of not being remembered, of not being noticed, is very common among women that i have been speaking to. the idea that the world could continue on without us in it is scary and causes you to feel lonely and alone. 

“Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” 

― J.K. Rowling

but naming your fear takes away some of its power. i am afraid of losing people. it's my biggest and scariest fear. the fact is, people come in and out of your life at different times and for different reasons. when i was younger, i was afraid that there were "bad guys" hiding under the bed. and to this day, i have to sleep with my hand curled up in my blanket and no part of me can be hanging off of the bed. 

“Fear cuts deeper than swords.” ― George R.R. Martin

our fears can prevent us from taking that leap towards greatness. fear of change, fear of the unknown ... fear of discomfort. these fears can be paralyzing and prevent us from doing the things that we need to do to grow our wings. 

“Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.” ― Paulo Coelho

facing our fears is a challenge. but the rewards can be plentiful. overcoming the things that scare us set us up on the road to greatness, to self-discovery, and to growth of our wings. 

“To know a species, look at its fears. To know yourself, look at your fears. Fear in itself is not important, but fear stands there and points you in the direction of things that are important. Don't be afraid of your fears, they're not there to scare you; they're there to let you know that something is worth it.” 

― C. JoyBell

fears are there to let you know that something is worth doing, worth having, worth being. fear is there to tell you that taking a risk is necessary to reach the next step. 

“It's like the smarter you are, the more things can scare you.” ― Katherine Paterson

some fears are there to protect you. like fear of dying prevents you from jumping off a cliff. duh. i'm not talking about self-preservation. i am talking about fear of public speaking, of applying for a new job, of leaving an abusive relationship, of moving, of starting fresh, of singing, of making art, of trying something new ... fear of taking a risk, getting messy, and making a mistake. 

“...she was so afraid of everything that she made it impossible to really enjoy anything at all.” ― Lemony Snicket

intense fear can overtake you and make it difficult to enjoy life. if you are always taking the safe and easy path, it can become boring and you can become stuck. trying something new can add an enrichment to your life that you never thought possible. my newest thing is listening to podcasts about PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and learning everything that i can about this disorder so that i can start to make the changes that i need to feel better in my body. admitting that i need help to navigate my way through this journey called "life" was scary - asking for that help was terrifying! in the beginning, receiving help was uncomfortable. now it has become okay for me, and i am asking more often.

when i picture fear, i picture a turtle, who protects itself inside its shell. i don't want to poke my head out of my shell, i want to shed my shell entirely. 

eleanor roosevelt said: "do one thing every day that scares you." what will your one thing be today?


be kind to yourself,