“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom
in my last post, i shared that i have named my anxiety martha. i imagine her as a 75 year old plump and grumpy woman. she likes to knit and nag. and nag and nag and nag. she sits in her rocking chair and tells me all the bad things that are going to happen to me.
here is what a conversation with martha would sound like:
Me: i have to drive home from the cottage. look, someone has a flat tire.
Martha: you're going to have a flat tire. watch out for that bump.
Me: it's just a bump.
Martha: nope, it's a bump that is going to pop your tire. and then you'll have to call a tow truck and ride in with with SC and the dog for 2 1/2 hours.
Me: it's just a bump.
Martha: nope.
Me: okay, we passed the bump and no flat tire.
Martha: your tire is going to explode. at some point on this drive.
Me: really?
Martha: really. it's going to explode and you'll have to sit on the side of the road for hours waiting for CAA to come with a tow truck.
Me: it's not going to explode.
Martha: what's that sound?
Me: what sound?
Martha: the rattling squeaking sound.
Me: i don't know.
Martha: the car is going to spontaneously burst into flames.
Me: really?
Martha: yes, i told you that you should have taken the car in for a check-up. and you should have gotten an oil change. and you really should pull over the car right now. right, right NOW. because the car is going to burst into flames with you in it. seriously, pull over.
Me: i can't pull over. i want to pull over. because i know you're right. but i can't pull over here.
Martha: you should have pulled over while you had the chance. you're an idiot. and now you're going to be an idiot with a flat tire, and a car in flames.
Me: i'm an idiot.
what would a conversation with your anxiety sound like? who wins, you or your anxiety? lots of times my anxiety wins. lots and lots of times. the trick is to find a way to tell your martha that she isn't wanted, that she isn't invited, and that you don't want her around. sending away your anxiety and telling it that it doesn't run your life is one way to deal with anxiety.
“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.”
― Dorothy M. Neddermeyer
naming your anxiety is another way to separate it from yourself. you are not your anxiety, you are having anxiety. by naming it, you are giving it a separate identity and putting distance between you and your anxiety.
“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
― Epictetus
martha and i are safely home from the cottage now. no flat tire, and no flames. in case you were worried like i was.
in the meanwhile ...
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Saturday, 19 July 2014
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Anxious Martha
Solitude.
It doesn't have to be lonely. I am sitting on the porch at the cottage listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the shoreline and trying to convince myself that it is enjoyable to be alone.
Sometimes being alone is great. Time to think. Time to recharge. Time to reflect, rejuvenate ... Other times it's just lonely.
The truth is, I keep thinking about my anxiety.
"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."
Charles Spurgeon
I have named my anxiety Martha.
Martha is a 75 year old plump old woman who likes to knit in her rocking chair. She likes to nag and harp on the same topic repeatedly. Her current obsession is money and the lack of it. She worries constantly about how to spend money and how to save it. But she's not helpful. She just nags.
Martha is smart and knows how to scare me. She whispers all day long until she convinces me that the car is going to explode, or some such nonsense. And even though I KNOW it not to be true, I can't help but listen to her.
Martha is bossy too. She tells me not to do things like go out to parties or try new things.
"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."
Soren Kierkegaard
I am trying to think of ways to send Martha away when she gets persistent. I've tried talking to her. But seeing as she is my anxiety and not an actual person, sometimes that feels really dumb. But I keep telling her she isn't welcome. That she wasn't invited to the party, I was. She wasn't asked out to coffee, I was.
"I think anxiety is dangerous, but it makes you think it's your friend."
Noah Baumbach
If you could name your anxiety, what would its name be? What would its personality be? And how would you tell it to leave you alone?
Be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Friday, 11 July 2014
what i learned from pokey sue
pokey sue is my acupuncturist. i hate acupuncture. i hate needles. but i love the feeling of being the centre of attention and care for an hour. and i love the balance i feel after treatment.
i wanted to write about the lessons i have learned from pokey sue over the last 3 years ...
1. you wouldn't eat garbage, so why would you listen to people who speak garbage? why would you take in their words? learn to separate the garbage from the healthy words and take in only those words that are good for you.
2. if you cut a quince and take out the seeds, and soak the seeds in water overnight, and then drink the goo that forms, it will coat your sore throat ... it also tastes like goo and makes you gag, but that's beside the point ... (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-quinces.html)
3. celery can be put in the blender, drained, and drunk, helping to lower your blood sugar. it also tastes like crap. which is surprising because i love celery. but i don't like it as a drink. as a drink it is very nasty.
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4. lemon trees are hard to grow. (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/02/pokey-sues-plant-predicament.html)
5. truth can set you free and break a million hearts at once.
6. willpower comes from hope. and when you lose hope, you lose your willpower.
7. focusing on the positives are important.
8. everyday, wake up and tell yourself that you are worthy and deserving.
9. there are people in this world who care so much about other people that they devote their career to caring for them - even if that means stabbing them with needles.
10. plants have similar reactions to lie detectors that humans do. plants have been shown to react to negative and positive stimuli.
11. stick tea shrinks cysts.
12. love is the most important emotion.
13. different parts of your body have different times that they are ... i dunno, active?
14. people come in and out of your life at different times to teach you things. some people can really touch your life without them even knowing it.
what lessons have you been taught?
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
i wanted to write about the lessons i have learned from pokey sue over the last 3 years ...
1. you wouldn't eat garbage, so why would you listen to people who speak garbage? why would you take in their words? learn to separate the garbage from the healthy words and take in only those words that are good for you.
2. if you cut a quince and take out the seeds, and soak the seeds in water overnight, and then drink the goo that forms, it will coat your sore throat ... it also tastes like goo and makes you gag, but that's beside the point ... (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-quinces.html)
3. celery can be put in the blender, drained, and drunk, helping to lower your blood sugar. it also tastes like crap. which is surprising because i love celery. but i don't like it as a drink. as a drink it is very nasty.
4. lemon trees are hard to grow. (http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/02/pokey-sues-plant-predicament.html)
5. truth can set you free and break a million hearts at once.
6. willpower comes from hope. and when you lose hope, you lose your willpower.
7. focusing on the positives are important.
8. everyday, wake up and tell yourself that you are worthy and deserving.
9. there are people in this world who care so much about other people that they devote their career to caring for them - even if that means stabbing them with needles.
10. plants have similar reactions to lie detectors that humans do. plants have been shown to react to negative and positive stimuli.
11. stick tea shrinks cysts.
12. love is the most important emotion.
13. different parts of your body have different times that they are ... i dunno, active?
14. people come in and out of your life at different times to teach you things. some people can really touch your life without them even knowing it.
what lessons have you been taught?
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Thursday, 10 July 2014
owning your feelings
it's easy for us to admit and own our kindness, our happiness, our helpfulness. but LES suggested i write about owning our anger, our frustration, and those emotions that we think of as "bad." to own your feelings means to admit that you have those feelings, to accept the feeling, to feel it, and to express it in a healthy way.
“We think too much and feel too little.”
― Charles Chaplin
i have written before about there being no such thing as good or bad emotions, there are just emotions. and they ebb and flow. and they are all okay.
but how do we actually own those emotions that we try hard to pretend that we don't have: jealousy, rage, frustration, anger, disappointment ...
... as a child, my family didn't talk about emotions. but if i expressed any of those "bad" emotions, i was taught to bury it and be a good girl. good girls don't get angry. good girls aren't jealous or disappointed. good girls smile and accept what life hands them.
“Emotions come and go and can't be controlled so there's no reason to worry about them. That in the end, people should be judged by their actions since in the end it was actions that defined everyone.”
― Nicholas Sparks
in my life, i have faced experiences that have left me feeling lonely, and empty, and i didn't know how to handle those feelings because i was taught to suck it up and be good.
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.”
― Khalil Gibran
good girls don't express their feelings, they hold them in.
i have been thinking a lot about loss lately and my reactions to the losses i have faced in life.
i shut down years ago and found ways to numb myself from the pain of loss. one of those ways was food, another was sedatives, and another was to shut down part of my heart to protect myself from further loss.
had i been taught how to own my emotions and to express them in healthy ways, i think my life would have been very different.
now, i blog. blogging is how i sort out my thoughts and my feelings.
“Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.”
― José N. Harris
so how do we own our emotions? what can we DO with those emotions that scare us?
yell
sing
run
walk
jump
scream
do yoga
breathe
mediate
talk
write
call a friend
listen to music
make music
draw
sculpt
cry
take a bath
find something to do that makes you feel good. allow yourself to feel the emotion. there is nothing wrong with feeling. there is nothing wrong with being jealous, angry, hurt, disappointed ... there is nothing wrong with feelings.
how we act upon our feelings is a whole other story. i am not suggesting you take out your rage on someone else. that isn't healthy. neither is it healthy to take out your rage on yourself. and yet, it is okay to FEEL rage and to express yourself in healthy safe ways. through writing, for example. and then tearing up your writing.
the truth is ... i am telling myself this as much as i am telling you.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
“We think too much and feel too little.”
― Charles Chaplin
i have written before about there being no such thing as good or bad emotions, there are just emotions. and they ebb and flow. and they are all okay.
but how do we actually own those emotions that we try hard to pretend that we don't have: jealousy, rage, frustration, anger, disappointment ...
... as a child, my family didn't talk about emotions. but if i expressed any of those "bad" emotions, i was taught to bury it and be a good girl. good girls don't get angry. good girls aren't jealous or disappointed. good girls smile and accept what life hands them.
“Emotions come and go and can't be controlled so there's no reason to worry about them. That in the end, people should be judged by their actions since in the end it was actions that defined everyone.”
― Nicholas Sparks
in my life, i have faced experiences that have left me feeling lonely, and empty, and i didn't know how to handle those feelings because i was taught to suck it up and be good.
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.”
― Khalil Gibran
good girls don't express their feelings, they hold them in.
i have been thinking a lot about loss lately and my reactions to the losses i have faced in life.
i shut down years ago and found ways to numb myself from the pain of loss. one of those ways was food, another was sedatives, and another was to shut down part of my heart to protect myself from further loss.
had i been taught how to own my emotions and to express them in healthy ways, i think my life would have been very different.
now, i blog. blogging is how i sort out my thoughts and my feelings.
“Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.”
― José N. Harris
so how do we own our emotions? what can we DO with those emotions that scare us?
yell
sing
run
walk
jump
scream
do yoga
breathe
mediate
talk
write
call a friend
listen to music
make music
draw
sculpt
cry
take a bath
find something to do that makes you feel good. allow yourself to feel the emotion. there is nothing wrong with feeling. there is nothing wrong with being jealous, angry, hurt, disappointed ... there is nothing wrong with feelings.
how we act upon our feelings is a whole other story. i am not suggesting you take out your rage on someone else. that isn't healthy. neither is it healthy to take out your rage on yourself. and yet, it is okay to FEEL rage and to express yourself in healthy safe ways. through writing, for example. and then tearing up your writing.
the truth is ... i am telling myself this as much as i am telling you.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
death
death.
no one wants to talk about it. but the fact is, it's a part of our life.
this post might be hard for some people to read. because it is sad.
so i am giving you fair warning that it might bring up past experiences for you and you might want to stop reading now. i won't be offended or sad if you decide not to read this post. if you stop reading now, be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
― Mitch Albom
my friend asked me to blog about how to deal with death. frankly, i don't know. i have faced the deaths of dear friends, of students, of my grandmother, of aunts and uncles. and i will continue to experience death and loss because i love so deeply.
for awhile, i thought it would be easier not to love at all. if you don't love, you don't feel, and you don't lose.
“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling
but life is about loving. and i have a huge heart.
so what to write about ...
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
― Lemony Snicket
... loss. i experienced a loss today. someone that i care about very much emailed to say that they were going away and wouldn't be in my life anymore. although this was a healthcare practitioner, we have built a relationship over the last 3 years of seeing her weekly. she knows intimate details of my life. and i will miss her deeply.
... loss ... how do you talk to someone who is experiencing loss? is there a right way and a wrong way?
“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?”
― Jodi Picoult
first of all, don't say "it will be alright" because it wont. don't say "it was meant to be" because that\s just shitty. don't say "s/he's in a better place" because a better place would be here with their loved ones.
second, listen. no one experiencing loss needs advice. they need an ear, a shoulder, a friend. just listen. just be there. distract if they ask for distraction. make them laugh if they want to laugh. and let them cry if they want to cry. listen with compassion and an open mind.
“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.”
― Haruki Murakami
third, be willing to show empathy and to face the darkness that surrounds the loss. don't be afraid of that darkness. we all have faced it, or will. the darkness will not overcome you. don't be afraid of the grief the other person is experiencing. it won't hurt you. it may touch you, and it may be hard. so self-care is important. as nosy nora once told me, listen but don't hold onto it.
here are some tips from the american cancer society:
most of all, be there. loss and death are dark and scary and most of us don't know how to deal with it ourselves let alone with other people. but be there. because your friends and loved ones need you. and one day, they will remember what you did for them and will be there for you too.
“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
a space
and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times
we will know it
we will know it
more than
ever
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and
we will wait
and
wait
in that space.”
― Charles Bukowski
be kind to yourself, and each other,
xoxo
...
no one wants to talk about it. but the fact is, it's a part of our life.
this post might be hard for some people to read. because it is sad.
so i am giving you fair warning that it might bring up past experiences for you and you might want to stop reading now. i won't be offended or sad if you decide not to read this post. if you stop reading now, be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
― Mitch Albom
my friend asked me to blog about how to deal with death. frankly, i don't know. i have faced the deaths of dear friends, of students, of my grandmother, of aunts and uncles. and i will continue to experience death and loss because i love so deeply.
for awhile, i thought it would be easier not to love at all. if you don't love, you don't feel, and you don't lose.
“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling
but life is about loving. and i have a huge heart.
so what to write about ...
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
― Lemony Snicket
... loss. i experienced a loss today. someone that i care about very much emailed to say that they were going away and wouldn't be in my life anymore. although this was a healthcare practitioner, we have built a relationship over the last 3 years of seeing her weekly. she knows intimate details of my life. and i will miss her deeply.
... loss ... how do you talk to someone who is experiencing loss? is there a right way and a wrong way?
“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?”
― Jodi Picoult
first of all, don't say "it will be alright" because it wont. don't say "it was meant to be" because that\s just shitty. don't say "s/he's in a better place" because a better place would be here with their loved ones.
Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved
- "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
- "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
- "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
- "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
- "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
- Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."
Source: American Hospice Foundation
second, listen. no one experiencing loss needs advice. they need an ear, a shoulder, a friend. just listen. just be there. distract if they ask for distraction. make them laugh if they want to laugh. and let them cry if they want to cry. listen with compassion and an open mind.
“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.”
― Haruki Murakami
third, be willing to show empathy and to face the darkness that surrounds the loss. don't be afraid of that darkness. we all have faced it, or will. the darkness will not overcome you. don't be afraid of the grief the other person is experiencing. it won't hurt you. it may touch you, and it may be hard. so self-care is important. as nosy nora once told me, listen but don't hold onto it.
here are some tips from the american cancer society:
What to say to someone who has lost a loved one
It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.
- Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
- Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
- Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
- Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
- Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
Source: American Cancer Society
most of all, be there. loss and death are dark and scary and most of us don't know how to deal with it ourselves let alone with other people. but be there. because your friends and loved ones need you. and one day, they will remember what you did for them and will be there for you too.
“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
a space
and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times
we will know it
we will know it
more than
ever
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and
we will wait
and
wait
in that space.”
― Charles Bukowski
be kind to yourself, and each other,
xoxo
...
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
tired
i haven't been writing as much lately.
because i am tired.
incredibly drainingly tired.
i go to bed at 10, sleep until 1, take a nap in the afternoon, and am ready for bed at 10 again. and i am without energy all day long.
i yawn and drag myself around and my eye lids are droopy.
i have begun to worry that there is something wrong.
it isn't normal to be so tired and to want to sleep so much.
today i did yoga, and went for a 30 minute walk. and it nearly killed me. then i went out for dinner with friends and had trouble staying awake at the table!
i feel like i am dragging myself through my days. and missing out on life.
have any of you ever experienced this constant unexplained fatigue? and what have you done to counteract it? i don't want to be this tired. and i don't want to sleep this much.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
because i am tired.
incredibly drainingly tired.
i go to bed at 10, sleep until 1, take a nap in the afternoon, and am ready for bed at 10 again. and i am without energy all day long.
i yawn and drag myself around and my eye lids are droopy.
i have begun to worry that there is something wrong.
it isn't normal to be so tired and to want to sleep so much.
today i did yoga, and went for a 30 minute walk. and it nearly killed me. then i went out for dinner with friends and had trouble staying awake at the table!
i feel like i am dragging myself through my days. and missing out on life.
have any of you ever experienced this constant unexplained fatigue? and what have you done to counteract it? i don't want to be this tired. and i don't want to sleep this much.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Sunday, 6 July 2014
baby steps
and it doesn't happen all at once.
i often make the mistake of trying to make a bunch of changes all at once which is setting myself up for failure ... which is inevitable ...
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein
i need to change my thinking about changing. i need to stop trying to make all these giant shifts all at once. small steps each day is the only way to make effective changes.
for example, tonight i added broccoli to dinner. that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is. broccoli and carrots. tomorrow i plan to drink a glass of water. just one. i never drink water. mostly because i have to pee all the time and i know that drinking water will make it a hundred times worse. but tomorrow my baby step will be to drink a glass of water.
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol
i could sit around and wait for my life to change. i could get up tomorrow and eat only healthy foods, drink lots of water, work-out for an hour and a half ... i could do all that ... but i wont do it again the next day. changing yourself means being realistic and making small steps.
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou
my current state is not nurturing. i am not happy with my life the way it is right now. there are things that i need to make different. and i need to acknowledge that it is hard.
“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
we only have one life, and we only have one self. altering our lives means altering ourselves. we need to adapt ourselves to be our best selves. and this means taking baby steps towards greatness. this means pushing through, and pushing past what we think we cannot achieve.
“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” ― Madonna
who knew i would offer advice from madonna. but it's good advice. becoming a better version of yourself is possible. it is not out of reach. but not by making giant changes all at once.
“How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the whole day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day.” ― Anne Frank
now anne frank, that's more my style of offering wisdom.
each night when i lay in bed, i make it a point to go over my day and consider the good and the bad. i then follow zed's example and i think about the people in my life and my wishes for them. and in the morning, i endeavor to do better.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ― Carl R. Rogers
geneen roth said, you are not a problem to be solved. that is a very difficult thing to hear and believe. but making changes doesn't mean that you are broken or worthless. it simply means that you want more for yourself. that you deserve better than the life that you are living. that you deserve more. that you deserve to experience enoughness.
(see http://aprilgigiangels.blogspot.ca/2014/04/enoughness.html)
“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
remaking ourselves IS possible. it isn't easy. but nothing worthwhile is easy. altering habits isn't easy, but it can be done one day at a time. it's the belief in ourselves that needs to change.
believe in yourself and your ability to be great. believe in your ability that you are enough.
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Friday, 4 July 2014
body image
“In all the years I've been a therapist, I've yet to meet one girl who likes her body.”
― Mary Pipher
i am a woman who hates her body. i have spent years talking about body image, teaching young girls to love themselves, and yet, here i am, admitting to the world, that i hate hate hate my body.
“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”
― Amy Bloom
intellectually i get that i am more than my body. intellectually i can understand that it is my mind, my personality, my love, that makes me who i am. but emotionally, i am my body. this body that doesn't move the way i want it to.
“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.”
― Geneen Roth
i am constantly trying to reinvent myself. and banging my head against the wall of shame. i am constantly judging myself and my body. holding up the image of myself against the thin bodies around me.
“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”
― Simone de Beauvoir
my lack of confidence in my body and in myself is overwhelming at times. i want to hide away inside my house and never be seen. being seen is my worst fear. and i have to be seen every day, which really sucks to be honest.
“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.”
― Naomi Wolf
this post is about my journey from self-hatred.
i wish i knew where the journey was going to ...
“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”
― Cheri K. Erdman
our ideal image of beauty is false. i get that. i don't want to look like pages from a magazine. but i do want to look like the thin women i see walking down the street. and i know that they want to look like someone else as well. we all have parts of us that we wish we could change.
“Every woman knows that, regardless of all her other achievements, she is a failure if she is not beautiful.”
― Germaine Greer,
i have always wished to be beautiful AND smart. and if i had to choose, i think i would choose beautiful. which is sad. but it's the truth.
“Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten your life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way -- and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it.”
― Geneen Roth
i spent years flattening my life - using food to numb my feelings. over the last year i have been learning to feel my feelings and i am happy to say that i no longer turn to food. i eat when i am hungry. i eat meals. i eat snacks. and i don't binge.
unfortunately, it's taking my body a long time to catch up with my actions. i feel like i am stuck in this body that no longer represents my behaviours.
“Every weight loss program, no matter how positively it’s packaged, whispers to you that you’re not right. You’re not good enough. You’re unacceptable and you need to be fixed.”
― Kim Brittingham
i have dieted for years. lost weight, and then gained it back. because dieting didn't address my problem. dieting told me that i wasn't good enough - told me that i needed to be a better version of myself and that if i deprived myself i would get thin. and i was never thin enough. but i was deprived. and then i would "cheat" on my diet and feel like crap. and i would figure, well i screwed that up, i might as well keep eating.
and eating. and eating. and numbing myself to all my emotions.
“Eating – overeating – saved me. It comforted me when I was at the mercy of grown-ups who didn't know how to give what I needed. Food was something to which I had ready access, and with it I cleverly fashioned a survival mechanism that pulled me back from the edge of insanity. – a young MacGuyver of angst and junk food.”
― Kim Brittingham
i learned from a young age that food would soothe me in the ways that the adults around me couldn't. and now i have unlearned to use food to soothe.
but there is so much more to unlearn.
this is my journey, and welcome to it ...
“I have a body,
but I am not my body.
I have a face,
but I am not my face.”
― Iyanla Vanzant
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
― Mary Pipher
i am a woman who hates her body. i have spent years talking about body image, teaching young girls to love themselves, and yet, here i am, admitting to the world, that i hate hate hate my body.
“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”
― Amy Bloom
intellectually i get that i am more than my body. intellectually i can understand that it is my mind, my personality, my love, that makes me who i am. but emotionally, i am my body. this body that doesn't move the way i want it to.
“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.”
― Geneen Roth
i am constantly trying to reinvent myself. and banging my head against the wall of shame. i am constantly judging myself and my body. holding up the image of myself against the thin bodies around me.
“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”
― Simone de Beauvoir
my lack of confidence in my body and in myself is overwhelming at times. i want to hide away inside my house and never be seen. being seen is my worst fear. and i have to be seen every day, which really sucks to be honest.
“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.”
― Naomi Wolf
this post is about my journey from self-hatred.
i wish i knew where the journey was going to ...
“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”
― Cheri K. Erdman
our ideal image of beauty is false. i get that. i don't want to look like pages from a magazine. but i do want to look like the thin women i see walking down the street. and i know that they want to look like someone else as well. we all have parts of us that we wish we could change.
“Every woman knows that, regardless of all her other achievements, she is a failure if she is not beautiful.”
― Germaine Greer,
i have always wished to be beautiful AND smart. and if i had to choose, i think i would choose beautiful. which is sad. but it's the truth.
“Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten your life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way -- and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it.”
― Geneen Roth
i spent years flattening my life - using food to numb my feelings. over the last year i have been learning to feel my feelings and i am happy to say that i no longer turn to food. i eat when i am hungry. i eat meals. i eat snacks. and i don't binge.
unfortunately, it's taking my body a long time to catch up with my actions. i feel like i am stuck in this body that no longer represents my behaviours.
“Every weight loss program, no matter how positively it’s packaged, whispers to you that you’re not right. You’re not good enough. You’re unacceptable and you need to be fixed.”
― Kim Brittingham
i have dieted for years. lost weight, and then gained it back. because dieting didn't address my problem. dieting told me that i wasn't good enough - told me that i needed to be a better version of myself and that if i deprived myself i would get thin. and i was never thin enough. but i was deprived. and then i would "cheat" on my diet and feel like crap. and i would figure, well i screwed that up, i might as well keep eating.
and eating. and eating. and numbing myself to all my emotions.
“Eating – overeating – saved me. It comforted me when I was at the mercy of grown-ups who didn't know how to give what I needed. Food was something to which I had ready access, and with it I cleverly fashioned a survival mechanism that pulled me back from the edge of insanity. – a young MacGuyver of angst and junk food.”
― Kim Brittingham
i learned from a young age that food would soothe me in the ways that the adults around me couldn't. and now i have unlearned to use food to soothe.
but there is so much more to unlearn.
this is my journey, and welcome to it ...
“I have a body,
but I am not my body.
I have a face,
but I am not my face.”
― Iyanla Vanzant
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
april
i want to write about april.
april is my pseudonym, but the name comes from a real person. from a young and vibrant woman whom i loved very much.
april could get me to do things that i would never do on my own. things that wouldn't occur to me. this photo was taken at a volunteer appreciation picnic for the sexual assault centre where we both volunteered.
at the picnic, april decided that she wanted to go swimming. we were by the otonabee river, near the water treatment centre. not the cleanest place to swim. there were rumours about how polluted and gross the water was.
but april liked to jump first and look later. and she wanted to swim. she convinced a group of us to go skinny dipping. *shaking my head* i had never done that before and have never done it since. but there i was, 20 years old being dragged skinny dipping with a group of women into the otonabee river.
sometimes april's impulsive decision making scared me. like the time she wanted to jump off a bridge into a river without checking the water to see how deep it was, or if there were any rocks. however, she taught me to let go of many of my fears and to take risks.
april was a force to be reckoned with. there was no stopping her. she was a community organizer at 16. she was amazing.
we worked on a couple of committees together and attended endless meetings. we joined a "lesbian talking group" together where everyone thought we were a couple.
she moved away for a year to work in jasper. she came home so happy. so full of life. so loving. so glad to be with family and friends. she showed up at my house in a yellow sarong ... and nothing else. that's the kind of thing she did: ride the bus with no shoes (or underwear) for no reason other than she felt like it. for no reason other than that she could. she was so beautiful that day. we talked for hours and caught up on each other's lives and crushes.
a week later, we ran into each other in a parking lot. we were on opposite fundraising shifts for the ywca. she was just about to get a ride home and i had just arrived. she was literally bouncing with glee. she was wearing purple cotton overalls and jumping up and down and the last words she ever said to me were "i have so much to tell you!" and she bounced away into the parking lot ...
she was 18 years old.
... a few days later, she was staying over at a friend's house and she and her friends fell asleep leaving a candle burning.
the house caught fire.
she and her friends got out. as did the family who lived in the downstairs apartment. unfortunately, april and her friends thought that there was still someone inside. there wasn't. but they didn't know that, so all 3 went back into the burning building to rescue their friend (their friend who wasn't even there ... jump first, look later ... give ... take care of everyone ... these were april's traits ...). a beam fell and one of them had to turn around and get out. she survived.
april and her other friend were trapped. and both of them died.
april's loss hit me hard. after losing my friend gigi only a few years earlier, i wasn't ready to endure the loss of someone i loved.
the difference for me this time was that i was surrounded by a community of women who were also affected by her loss. and we supported each other.
i turned to my writing. i wrote many poems, journal entries, and songs for and about april. i was also taking a theatre course that year. so i wrote and performed a one woman show about the loss and my grieving, using dance, song, and masks. it was incredibly cathartic.
i still miss april. she was an incredible young woman who touched my life in many ways. she taught me that it's okay to jump.
i look first,
but i can jump.
she taught me how to love with an open heart. she taught me to LIVE life, not to just let it pass you by.
here is my song for april:
you always asked me to sing for you
you always wanted a song
i knew that one day i would write one for you
i just want this to be your song
i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song
i remember the way you looked the day you came home
your arms around me, at home
oh, how you had grown
i'll never forget your yellow sarong
and how you looked when you put it on
that day you wore purple and said
"i've so much to tell you"
and then you were gone ...
i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
april is my pseudonym, but the name comes from a real person. from a young and vibrant woman whom i loved very much.
april could get me to do things that i would never do on my own. things that wouldn't occur to me. this photo was taken at a volunteer appreciation picnic for the sexual assault centre where we both volunteered.
at the picnic, april decided that she wanted to go swimming. we were by the otonabee river, near the water treatment centre. not the cleanest place to swim. there were rumours about how polluted and gross the water was.
but april liked to jump first and look later. and she wanted to swim. she convinced a group of us to go skinny dipping. *shaking my head* i had never done that before and have never done it since. but there i was, 20 years old being dragged skinny dipping with a group of women into the otonabee river.
sometimes april's impulsive decision making scared me. like the time she wanted to jump off a bridge into a river without checking the water to see how deep it was, or if there were any rocks. however, she taught me to let go of many of my fears and to take risks.
april was a force to be reckoned with. there was no stopping her. she was a community organizer at 16. she was amazing.
we worked on a couple of committees together and attended endless meetings. we joined a "lesbian talking group" together where everyone thought we were a couple.
she moved away for a year to work in jasper. she came home so happy. so full of life. so loving. so glad to be with family and friends. she showed up at my house in a yellow sarong ... and nothing else. that's the kind of thing she did: ride the bus with no shoes (or underwear) for no reason other than she felt like it. for no reason other than that she could. she was so beautiful that day. we talked for hours and caught up on each other's lives and crushes.
a week later, we ran into each other in a parking lot. we were on opposite fundraising shifts for the ywca. she was just about to get a ride home and i had just arrived. she was literally bouncing with glee. she was wearing purple cotton overalls and jumping up and down and the last words she ever said to me were "i have so much to tell you!" and she bounced away into the parking lot ...
she was 18 years old.
... a few days later, she was staying over at a friend's house and she and her friends fell asleep leaving a candle burning.
the house caught fire.
she and her friends got out. as did the family who lived in the downstairs apartment. unfortunately, april and her friends thought that there was still someone inside. there wasn't. but they didn't know that, so all 3 went back into the burning building to rescue their friend (their friend who wasn't even there ... jump first, look later ... give ... take care of everyone ... these were april's traits ...). a beam fell and one of them had to turn around and get out. she survived.
april and her other friend were trapped. and both of them died.
april's loss hit me hard. after losing my friend gigi only a few years earlier, i wasn't ready to endure the loss of someone i loved.
the difference for me this time was that i was surrounded by a community of women who were also affected by her loss. and we supported each other.
i turned to my writing. i wrote many poems, journal entries, and songs for and about april. i was also taking a theatre course that year. so i wrote and performed a one woman show about the loss and my grieving, using dance, song, and masks. it was incredibly cathartic.
i still miss april. she was an incredible young woman who touched my life in many ways. she taught me that it's okay to jump.
i look first,
but i can jump.
she taught me how to love with an open heart. she taught me to LIVE life, not to just let it pass you by.
here is my song for april:
you always asked me to sing for you
you always wanted a song
i knew that one day i would write one for you
i just want this to be your song
i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song
i remember the way you looked the day you came home
your arms around me, at home
oh, how you had grown
i'll never forget your yellow sarong
and how you looked when you put it on
that day you wore purple and said
"i've so much to tell you"
and then you were gone ...
i don't want it to be sad, your song
i don't want it to make me feel bad, your song
i just want you to hear your song
be kind to yourself,
xoxo
...
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Let there be love ( revised ) ...
this weekend as i was singing with my choir, one of the songs reminded me that i wrote about it and how... i was moved to become very introspective.
we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason this weekend it really hit home ... for the second time ...
"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth
i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...
"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth
i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.
"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last year, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.
"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth
There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or the course that we are taking, or the hoops we are jumping through, or the interviews and home visits and references ...
i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.
"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the ways"
- Dawn Lanstroth
people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could do so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....
"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time. i am trying to let go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way. i am trying really hard.
"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth
this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2014. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.
and so i am trying to believe.
i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.
i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.
i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.
be kind to yourself
xoxo
Anne Murray - Let There Be Love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ
...
we have sung this song for years, between rehearsals and performances, i must have sung this song more than a hundred times ... but for some reason this weekend it really hit home ... for the second time ...
"Every life has a plan
Though sometimes the map is out of our hands"
- Dawn Langstroth
i have been trying to focus on letting go of the control i think i have over what goes on around me. i can't control the people around me, the choices they make, the weather, the events in my life, the cycles that my body goes through. i only have control over the way i react and respond to what goes on. i am not a religious person. i don't believe that there is a higher being paying enough attention to each of us that that higher being helps people win american idol - if a higher being helps people win american idol but allows other people to rape, murder, torture, abuse .... well then i don't want to participate in worshiping that higher being .... but i digress. my point is, that i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. the universe is full of energy and we don't control what goes on around us (no matter how hard we try! how hard i try!!!) i need to let go of these crazy attempts to control what cannot be controlled and release my fears of following a path that is not in my hands ...
"Every day is a step
Though we may not know the reason just yet" - Dawn Langstroth
i am constantly reading and researching and trying new things and trying to make things happen that i really have no control over. there are people who have come into my life to teach me things, and although some of these things have been difficult, or even painful, there are reasons i needed to learn these lessons. there is growth that comes from pain, and from heartache, and from loss.
"When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go, and just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
I don't think that letting go over the idea that i can control the uncontrollable is giving up. over the last year, i have felt like giving up on my dreams. i have felt like my dreams will never come to be. but it's time to live my words and truly stop trying to change the things that are inevitable and unchangeable. that is really easy to write. it is not as easy to live.
"Let there be love
Let there be light
Let there be hope in the dark of the night
For every heart that's lying in wait
Let there be love
Let there be love"
- Dawn Langstroth
There is a heart out there waiting to be in our family. where that heart is, no one knows. but the heart is waiting, whether or not it is already beating. and i am giving up on the notion that i have any control over this process, no matter how many books i read, or how many needles are poked in my feet and fingers, and how many cups of tree branch tea i drink, or what music i listen to while i sleep, or what mantra i say to myself, or the course that we are taking, or the hoops we are jumping through, or the interviews and home visits and references ...
i am open to whatever will come to be, in whatever form it may take.
"You are strong
You are brave
Though I couldn't even count all the ways"
- Dawn Lanstroth
people keep telling me how strong i am. how brave i am. how hard i work. what a difference i make in so many people's lives. and i don't see any of that. i see the tired, scared, girl with the bully in her head who tells me how lazy, and stupid i am. i could do so much better at so many things. i could put so much more effort into so many things. i am not strong. or brave. but i am trying to hear these words and i am trying to believe them ... i am trying .... it will take time ....
"There's a time to be still
Let the river carry you where it will
When your faith fails
When your dreams sleep
Learn to let go
Just let it be"
- Dawn Langstroth
this is my "time to be still." this is my time to take really good care of myself, not so that i can fit into a stupid white shirt that i hate with a passion that i only wear twice a year, and not so that i can fit into my favourite pants .... this is my time to take really good care of myself so that i can feel good, and have more energy, and be happy, and healthy, and not feel sluggish and feel like sleeping all the time. i am trying to let go of the notion that i will ever be a certain size or look a certain way. i am trying really hard.
"It's a long, hard road to travel
Yes, I know what it's like when you lose your way
When the best laid plans unravel
That's when you've got to believe"
- Dawn Langstroth
this has been a long road, and i'm nowhere near my destination. this isn't where we wanted to be in 2014. this isn't where we saw ourselves. but this is where we are. and i most certainly lost sight of the destination. i had lost sight not so much of where we were going .... it's more like i had a map that i was reading upside down, which i actually do quite often with real maps! i was heading in a direction that had nothing do with our destination. i was off on my own path and needed some redirection.
and so i am trying to believe.
i am trying to believe that when i take care of myself, the universe will take care of me.
i am trying to believe that the hard lessons i have learned this year have served a purpose and have made me a better person.
i am trying to believe that when i let go, i will continue to grow, and to change, and to be the person that i have always wanted to be.
be kind to yourself
xoxo
Anne Murray - Let There Be Love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjEG1skuzQ
...
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