death

death. 

no one wants to talk about it. but the fact is, it's a part of our life. 

this post might be hard for some people to read. because it is sad.  

so i am giving you fair warning that it might bring up past experiences for you and you might want to stop reading now. i won't be offended or sad if you decide not to read this post. if you stop reading now, be kind to yourself, 
xoxo
...

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” 
― Mitch Albom

my friend asked me to blog about how to deal with death. frankly, i don't know. i have faced the deaths of dear friends, of students, of my grandmother, of aunts and uncles. and i will continue to experience death and loss because i love so deeply. 

for awhile, i thought it would be easier not to love at all. if you don't love, you don't feel, and you don't lose. 

“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” 
― J.K. Rowling

but life is about loving. and i have a huge heart. 

so what to write about ... 

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 
― Lemony Snicket

... loss. i experienced a loss today. someone that i care about very much emailed to say that they were going away and wouldn't be in my life anymore. although this was a healthcare practitioner, we have built a relationship over the last 3 years of seeing her weekly. she knows intimate details of my life. and i will miss her deeply. 

... loss ... how do you talk to someone who is experiencing loss? is there a right way and a wrong way? 

“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?” 
― Jodi Picoult

first of all, don't say "it will be alright" because it wont. don't say "it was meant to be" because that\s just shitty. don't say "s/he's in a better place" because a better place would be here with their loved ones. 

Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved

• "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
• "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
• "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
• "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."

Source: American Hospice Foundation

second, listen. no one experiencing loss needs advice. they need an ear, a shoulder, a friend. just listen. just be there. distract if they ask for distraction. make them laugh if they want to laugh. and let them cry if they want to cry. listen with compassion and an open mind. 

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” 
― Haruki Murakami

third, be willing to show empathy and to face the darkness that surrounds the loss. don't be afraid of that darkness. we all have faced it, or will. the darkness will not overcome you. don't be afraid of the grief the other person is experiencing. it won't hurt you. it may touch you, and it may be hard. so self-care is important. as nosy nora once told me, listen but don't hold onto it. 

here are some tips from the american cancer society:

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Source: American Cancer Society

most of all, be there. loss and death are dark and scary and most of us don't know how to deal with it ourselves let alone with other people. but be there. because your friends and loved ones need you. and one day, they will remember what you did for them and will be there for you too. 

“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.” 
― Charles Bukowski


be kind to yourself, and each other,

xoxo

...